Disclaimer: We do not own anything, anyone, or anywhere associated with LOTR. Legolas: What the hell was that? TICS: What? Legolas: That entire chapter waswords fail me. TICS: Really? Brain fart or Blonde Moment? Legolas: What I meant was that I don't have the words to describe that last chapter. You really took the easy way out on it, you know. TICS: You think it's so easy? I'd like to see you try to write a chapter. Legolas: Don't mind if I do

A/N: Thank you most kindly for your reviews, although I have doubt that the authors truly deserved them. You have been much too generous in your praise of their meager talents. I have graciously accepted TICS' offer to write this next chapter, and suspect that it may very well be the most brilliant set of words ever put to paper. - Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood

Chapter 30

Beautiful, Sensual, Charming, Well-Endowed, and He Can Write, Too

It was with a heavy heart that Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, the handsome, well-muscled, talented, handsome, tall, broad shouldered, handsome Elf led the trembling, weak-kneed Misha from the glade of trees.

Never would Misha be the same after suffering the Prince of Love's attentions. So kind was his heart that he felt pity for the poor wretch, as he had most likely ruined her for all others for all time.

"Hail, Legolas, Most Well-Endowed Personage in all of Arda!" shouted his compadres as the Prince gently set Misha down next to her irritating friends. "We stand in awe of your sexual prowess!"

"Nay, friends, do not go on thus!" Legolas demurred, as humble as always. "Twould not behoove us to banter in such a manner in front of those of the gentler sex." Gallantly gesturing toward the trembling forms of the overwhelmed women, he bestowed upon them his most angelic smile. The women swooned, one falling atop of the other in a heap at his feet.

Elrond, sire of the Peredhil twins, came seeking Legolas' advice, as he so often did when confronted with a dilemma. "Legolas," said Elrond, genuflecting before the fair god-like creature before him, "Pray tell me what our next course of action should be. I am confused and bewildered and in need of your sage guidance. Should we stay here, in this field, romping? Or should we return to Rivendell, as pitiful a shadow of the Great Hall of Mirkwood as it is?"

Putting a kindly hand on the elderly Half Elven's shoulder the lovely Prince smiled his most endearing smile, putting the elderly Elf at ease. "We must return to The Last Homely House, Elrond, for although these past hours have been a most pleasant diversion, we must see to it that the females are safe and protected within its walls before night falls."

"Of course, Sweet One - your wisdom both comforts and astounds me. We shall depart at once for the dubious comforts of my home," Elrond replied gratefully, bowing deeply before His Highness, the Lord of the Wood.

The Hobbits came running, throwing themselves to the ground, lying prostrate before Legolas their pale guardian. "We shall forever be in your debt, Great One, for your example has taught us courage, fortitude, and benevolence!"

"Rise, Small Ones! Fear not, for I will protect you as well as these vulnerable females," Legolas smiled, patting the diminutive Hobbits on their heads.

Haldir approached His Lordship diffidently, carrying Sam the Tall slung over his shoulders like a sack of potatoes. "We are ready to leave at your order, Wise One," he said, touching his hand to his heart.

"Haldir! It would be kindlier to treat the female with more consideration, although I am aware that she does not deserve such treatment at your hands, my friend. Carry her not thus, but instead, cradled in your arms."

'My Lord, once again your words are light to my darkness," Haldir replied respectfully, heeding Legolas' advice as always, shifting his feminine bundle to the proper female-carrying position.

Frodo, being the small, physically inferior creature that he was, could not lift Jessie into his arms. Merry, advised by Legolas, helped him. Each Hobbit took hold of an opposite end, and together they carried Jessie toward Rivendell.

Scooping Misha up into his strong, capable arms, Legolas led the way back to Imaldris, his keen Elven eyes constantly scouting the surrounding area for any sign of danger.

Seeing movement in the trees ahead, he silently called a halt to the procession. Gently setting Misha down on the ground, the Golden Prince swiftly notched an arrow into his bow.

A tremendous warg, frothing at the tusks, burst from the underbrush, roaring and pawing the ground. Eyeing his intended prey, the horrible creature stampeded toward the party of travelers, who cowered behind the tall, strong form of their Prince and Protector.

With a speed that could not be followed by the eye, Legolas fired a dozen arrows into the beast, felling it in its tracks. Taking Misha once again in his well-muscled arms, he led the party past the dead warg, and onward to Rivendell, amidst the praise for his famous archery skills, and heartfelt thanks for single-handedly saving them, from his awestruck friends.

Misha stirred in Legolas' arms, her eyes fluttering open to behold his incredibly handsome face. "Oh, Legolas!" she murmured, her eyes fixated on his soft, full lips. "Oh, how I long for your lips to meet mine once again!"

"Nay, womanI fear I cannot. Should I have my way with you again, I may most likely kill you in the process, for my gigantic shaft nearly ripped you in two the last time!" Legolas replied truthfully. A sigh of tremendous regret slipped from Misha's lips, still bruised from the last kiss bestowed upon her by His Highness.

Sam the Tall stirred awake in Haldir's arms. Her eyes focussed only on the back of the tall, exquisite Elf who walked in front of them, carrying her friend, Misha. Jealously, she whined, "I want to be carried by the most beatific Elf in Arda! Why does Misha get to be enveloped in those strong, capable arms instead of me?"

Haldir of Lorien blushed with shame, for he knew he could not possibly compete with the Prince of Mirkwood's beauty and attributes. Even Haldir's hair, he knew, was but a pale imitation of Legolas' gleaming, golden locks.

Legolas led them boldly through the forest, up the mountain road into Rivendell, pausing only when they had reached Elrond's House.

The Peredhil twins, seeking his favor, bowed and scraped and offered to fetch him lembas and wine.

"Aye, young ones, I would be most grateful for a cup with which to quench my thirst," The golden haired Elf replied, favoring them with a pat on their dark heads.

"Legolas," Gimli the Dwarf began, standing before the Prince with his helmet in his hand, "Will you require a foot rub this day? You have walked far, battled a beast, and carried the tart all this way without complaint!"

"Aye, friend Dwarf, I would be most grateful for your ministrations."

Gimli the Dwarf's lumpy face beamed with pleasure at the opportunity to serve his Lord. He dropped to his knobby knees, reverently removing Legolas' boot, and began to massage it with sweet oils.

Immediately, the three females and two of the Hobbits began to fight and push at the Dwarf, jealous over his favor with the Prince. Legolas stayed them with one stern look, and they blushed with shame for having made him crease his lovely brow in displeasure.

"Legolas, what should Sam the Tall, Jessie, and I do now that the Dragonlady has been disposed of, according to your clever plan?" Misha asked, her eyes downcast and blushing.

"Hey! It wasn't Legolas' plan to get rid of the Dragonlady! It was" Jessie began, but was knocked flat by Sam the Tall's fist.

"How dare you insinuate that it was not Legolas' plan! Of course it was The Prince's plan! He is the only one among us brilliant enough to have conceived of such a plan!" Sam the Tall growled at Jessie.

"Sam! Resort not to violenceit is unbecoming of a Lady. I am not insulted, nor is my pride assaulted. I am stronger than that and secure in my own brilliance," Legolas admonished, staying Sam's hand from further abusing the cowering Jessie.

They all froze, hearing a roaring sound coming from without Elrond's House. Walking onto the balcony, Legolas was greeted by the sight of every Elf in Rivendell gathered before the House, chanting his name.

"LEGOLAS! LEGOLAS! LEGOLAS!"

Standing on the balcony, Legolas waved his hand in greeting, bestowing his blindingly white smile at the crowd. Several elleths dropped to the ground in a faint at the sight of their magnificent hero.

Suddenly, from the West, an eerie caterwauling reached his sensitive, delicate Elven ears.

"Silence! Our enemy approaches!"