Disclaimer: We don't own it. We've never owned it. We don't even have a passing acquaintance with it. Legolas: AhemI believe I will write this next chapter. TICS: Step away from the keyboard, Legolas. Legolas: What? I did such a wonderful job the last time. (Three sets of arrows are suddenly pointed at Legolas's face) Haldir, Elladan, and Elrohir: Step away from the keyboard, Legolas. Legolas: Everyone's a critic

A/N: I hereby solemnly swear never to allow Legolas to touch a keyboard again, so help me Eru. Did you ever think anyone could squeeze so much ego into that pretty little head?

Chapter 32

Horsy Back Rides and Demands

"Um...Mishacould you come here for a moment, please?" Legolas' head peeked around the corner of the hallway. He beckoned to Misha with one crooked finger.

Peeling herself up off the floor where she had been wrestling Sam the Tall for the dull knife, she followed Legolas back out on to the balcony.

"What is it, Legolas? Why is everyone still standing around, instead of sharpening swords, or feathering arrows, or doing whatever it is you do to prepare for battle?" She asked, looking at Elrond, the twins, Haldir, Gimli and the Hobbits, who were all staring over the balcony's railing.

."We're looking at our enemy."

"They're here already?" Misha yelled, grabbing hold of the front of Legolas' tunic. "How many are there? Two thousandfour thousandten thousand? Oh, my godwe are SO doomed"

"Two."

"Two thousandgods, we'll still be outnumbered!"

"Nojust two."

"Huh?"

"There are two enemies. Just two. Look," Legolas said, putting his head on Misha's head and swiveling it in the direction everyone was looking.

Misha felt a tremendous snort rising up her throat from her belly, threatening to spill out of her nose. She clamped a hand over her mouth and nose in an effort to keep it in.

Their enemies were approaching all rightSauron was dragging his sorry butt up the path to Rivendell with the Dragonlady perched on his shoulders, beating his back with a riding crop and shrieking at the top of her lungs like a banshee.

Coming to a stop just below the balcony, the Dragonlady screeched, "Surrender, Dorothy, erI told you a thousand times on the way over that his name is ELROND!" Sauron yelled from somewhere between the Dragonlady's thighs.

"Elrond, then," the Dragonlady sniffed, smacking Sauron on the head with her riding crop. "Surrender, Elrond!"

"I keep telling you that you're wasting your timehe's not going to surrender - there are only two of us!" Sauron bellowed, then yelped as the Dragonlady rapped him on the head again with her riding crop.

"And I told you that I was not spending the rest of my life in that pit you call your kingdom! No air-conditioning? No electricity? There wasn't even any indoor plumbing!" The Dragonlady screeched, rapping Sauron on the head yet again.

"If you so much as wave that thing in the direction of my head one more time, woman, I will turn you into a cockroach and step on you!"

"Oh, big talk from the big man! You weren't talking so big last night! Want me to tell them how you called me "Mommy" and made me spank"

"No! NO!"

"Then tell him to surrender!"

Looking up pitifully at the balcony, Sauron addressed Elrond, who was looking down at him, smirking.

"Elrondplease! Have a heart! I know I tried to plunder, pillage, and rape my way across Arda, and enslave everybody in the process, but haven't I suffered enough? Do I really deserve this too?"

"You've got to be kidding," Elrond replied, chuckling. He elbowed Haldir, who had the good grace to swallow his own laughter. He knew better than anyone what Sauron must be going through.

"Come onjust a little piece of the kingdom, okay? A parcel of landan acrea couple of feet of rocky ground and a tarpaper shanty! Anything!" Sauron was pleading, the Dragonlady's fingers digging into his shoulders.

Legolas leaned over and whispered into Elrond's ear. Elrond's eyebrows shot up, and he turned to stare at Legolas.

"You're joking, right? You want me to let them live here? In Rivendell? The BeastMaster and the Beast? Are you daft?"

"It's Sam the Tall's motheryou don't realize how tenacious this woman is. She won't give up and go away, Elrond. She'll haunt you day and night until you either give in or sail to Valinor, and I can pretty much guarantee that she'll find a way to haunt you there, too."

Elrond looked over at the Dragonlady, who was alternately beating Sauron about the ears with her riding crop and yelling obscenities at those on the balcony. Elrond actually felt almost sorry for Sauron. Sighing, he said, "All rightall right. You can have that piece of ground along the west boundary - the one with the quicksand and warg nests."

"Eru will bless you, Elrond! Thank you!" Sauron shouted, his lips actually forming a close approximation of a smile. "You hear that, sweetie? We won. Will you stop hitting me now?" he said, looking up at the Dragonlady.

"Let's go. You have a lot of work to do, Mr. Wizard. I want a huge palace, with servants, and plumbing, and a big brass bed, and clothes, and parties" Dragonlady's shrill voice faded into the distance, as Sauron carried her away to the piece of land just given him by Elrond.

Everyone on the balcony could nearly hear him thinking about dumping her in the first patch of quicksand he came across.

Sam the Tall stepped out onto the balcony, craning her neck to see around Haldir. "Was that my mom?" she asked Haldir, poking him in the ribs.

"Ouch! Yes, it was, and what are you poking me with?" Haldir replied, rubbing the spot on his ribs. He grabbed her hand and looked at the dull knife.

"Heyisn't this the dagger that Celebrian gave Elrond at their betrothal?"

"Oops. UmI just borrowed itI'll go put it back now," Sam the Tall said sheepishly, ignoring Elrond's stare.

"Sowhat do we do now?" Misha asked Legolas, who gave her a very lascivious look back. "Oh, no, palI was very drunk on imaginary wine when that happened!" She pushed Legolas back a couple of feet.

"Drunk, huh? HmmI have an idea," Legolas said, turning to Elrond. "I think it's time for a feast! Don't you agree, Elrond?" Legolas winked at the Lord of Imaldris, who immediately caught on.

"Yesyes, indeed! I do believe we have all earned a reward. A feast it iswith roast meats, fresh fruits and lots of wine and ale."

"Ale?" Merry said, his ears picking up immediately.

"Lots and lots of ale," Legolas repeated, smiling at Misha.