Disclaimer: Take a guess...Bird: Haldir, what do you think you are doing? Haldir: grumbling If that blonde ditz can write a chapter, then so can I...Bird: oh dear rolls eyes can't you two just drop this whole ego thing? Haldir: what ego...? I am just better than him...he is arrogant, and egotistical, and big headed...and I am wonderful and kind, and gentle...Bird: and oh so very modest and humble sarcastic Haldir: sarcasm is lost on him...oh yeah, and that too...:D

AN: I just wanted to say that I can write WAY better than any poncy blonde Mirkwood princeling any day...WHO can beat him in archery!? ME! WHO can outrun him!? ME! Who is TEN times better in bed than him!?

Celeborn: ME!

Author: bleah! Who asked you...!

TICS A/N: We have a guest author! Finally! It's Bird! Unfortunately, Bird has informed us that Haldir has insisted on writing this chapter...and we already know what happens when we let the Elves near the keyboard. So hold on to your hats, folks...

Exceptionally Hot, Wonderful, Sexy, So Much Better Than Sir Sucky-Elf

---------------------

It was the night of the feast, the feast the Mirkwood brat wanted to throw in honor of his stupid self. HA! He thinks he is so great, but I am the one all the ladies drool over.

Anyway, it was the night of the feast, and I was looking exceptionally hot. Sam-the-Tall wouldn't be able to keep her hands off of me. After all the crap the Dragon Lady, er, her mother had put her through, she needed a real man, um, Elf to help her forget what had happened. Of course I was just the elf for the job.

I took one more look in the mirror, pausing briefly to adjust my stunning tunic, the color of passion. Sam-the-Tall would be in for a shock.

As I made my way to the great hall for the feast, I bumped into he-who-shall-remain-nameless.

He was awfully and irritatingly perky.

"Oh, Haldir, don't you just look dashing...too bad you aren't as handsome as me. You might have actually had a chance with the ladies tonight..." He said in a saccharine sing-song voice.

GRRR! Oh the urge I felt to smack the little smirk off his face. But once again, I proved that I was the bigger elf, and kept my mouth shut as he skipped away happily.

I entered the great hall, and immediately saw Sam-the-Tall. By Eru, she was beautiful. Her dress was stunning and accented every curve of her body.

"Hal, you are creating a slipping hazard-"

"-We suggest you close your mouth and stop drooling on the floor."

At 'Ro and 'Dan's comment, I promptly looked down, and indeed, a puddle had begun to form at my feet. Slightly embarrassed, but glad that He-who-shall-not-be-mentioned had not noticed as he was in another corner trying to show off his pitiful excuses for muscles to Misha.

Misha, poor unfortunate soul, was obviously bored with his excessive showing off. However, she was feigning interest rather well. Her cheeks were rather pink, and I suspected that since the princeling had shown up, she had drunk several glasses of Elrond's miruvor.

In another corner, Jessie was completely surrounded by her hobbit admirers, who were waiting on her hand and foot.

"Frodo, I would LOVE another glass of wine," she smiled drunkenly at him. Merry and Pippin probably would have been eager to rush off and beat Frodo, but the two were already well into their fifth tankard of ale. Besides, they were probably enjoying what they were doing more...rubbing Jessie's feet, which were propped up in a very un-lady like manner on the table.

Sam the Hobbit just sat and stared at Jessie with puppy dog eyes.

I recovered from the scene and approached Sam-the-Tall. She faced away from me, and I startled her when I lightly touched her shoulder. Abruptly she turned and slammed face-first into my chest, spilling her glass of wine all down the front of her dress and my tunic.

Oh the possibilities that ran through my mind, as she blushed attractively at our situation. One certain thought crossed my mind...but I quickly squashed it as I remembered that I was typing a PG-13 fic.

Sam-the-Tall opened her mouth to speak, but quickly shut it as an earsplitting sound jarred the peaceful sounds of the party. It seemed awfully similar to microphone feedback, which I was told later, and we all turned to look at the front entrance to the front hall.

"Um, Is this on?" Elrond was looking slightly confused as he cautiously spoke into the little electronic device.

This little device would raise a lot of questions later among all present, especially from Misha, Jessie, and Sam-the-Tall who all wondered how it was working in a world that didn't have electricity.

ANYWAY...back to Elrond.

"I would like to welcome everyone to the First Homely Bash. Contrary to popular belief this is NOT a party in honor of Legolas, but to welcome our newest guests, Jessie, Misha, and Sam-the-tall. These three ladies were ever so wonderful and kind as to help us tame Sauron, and get rid of the dragon-lady." Applause sounded through the hall.

I smirked as I watched Mirkwood-Brat look sad and pitiful over the announcement that the party was NOT in his honor. However, one look back at Misha, and he was completely over it.

Airhead.

ANYWAY!

Sam-The-Tall was totally checking me out. I could feel her eyes on me, so I turned to look at her. I could see her shiver in delight at viewing my most delectable form.

Or maybe it was from the fact that she was still covered in wine? The look she was giving suddenly didn't seem like one of awe and delight, but more like a narrowing of the eyes akin to murder...

Eep.

She stalked towards me.

She angrily stared into my eyes.

I swallowed hard as she opened her mouth.

"You klutz! You ruined my dress! Wine stains DON'T come out!"

I swallowed hard again.

Then I realized something. I am HALDIR! March Warden of Lorien. I was NOT about to let some little bossy human female tell me what was what!

I returned her look, which caused her to only push her face forward more till we were nose to nose.

Eru she smelled wonderful.

My look turned lascivious. Her eyes narrowed further.

I pressed my lips to hers and held her head in my hands.

When I pulled away, her expression had changed to one of surprise. Then she slapped me. Then she marched off in the direction of the-elf-who-really-sucks and Misha. Sir Elf-Sucky had seen the whole thing and was laughing his blonde head off, and giving me the thumbs-up signal.

There was no way I would let her get the best of me in front of everyone. Especially HIM! I didn't care that she'd just had the day from hell...what with the Dragon-Lady and all.

I walked over to where she was standing talking to Misha, ignoring me. I turned her around so that she faced me.

"No one slaps the March Warden of Lorien." With that I picked her up and threw her over my shoulder. Then I turned around and walked with her out of the hall.