Harm's apt 0300
Harm laid in his bed unable to sleep. He just kept thinking of Mac, something he was doing more of lately. Since Paraguay he has tried desperately to keep thoughts of her, personal thoughts, at bay. They bring back too much pain. He won that battle most of the time, but not tonight. He just kept thinking about how much she's changed over the past few months. She's become withdrawn, moody, almost brittle around the edges, it's like she is void of any real emotion except anger. It scared him. She used to be a strong tough all business marine on the outside, but a kind, loving, gentle friend on the inside. She is turning into someone so cynical. He just couldn't figure out what was going on with her. why was she punishing herself? Why was she pushing everyone away, and boxing herself in so tight? He finally decided that he would stop by her place tomorrow night and try to talk to her, friend to friend.
Mac's apt. 1900
He had thought about it all day long. What would he say, how would he bring up the subject, but the truth was he was no closer to knowing now than he was 14 hours ago.
Mac heard a knock at the door. She wasn't expecting company, to be honest she couldn't remember the last time she invited anyone over. She was a little surprised to see Harm standing there holding 2 bags of take out "I'm sorry Harm did we have plans?"
"No. I just thought,its been a while, so here I am. Are you going to invite me in or are we going to eat in the hallway?" Harm said with a grin
"Sorry come on in, I just wasn't expecting company. I was just going over some cases. So what did you get?" Mac said sort of flat
"Burger for you and Chinese for me." Harm said pretending no to notice her lack of enthusiasm
"Sounds good. I'll set the table."
As they ate dinner Harm lead the conversation and did most of the talking. He realized that even though Mac was being polite she wasn't really there, she was just sort of going through the motions, being polite. When he couldn't stand it any longer he blurted out "What's going on with you Mac?"
"What? Where did that come from?"
"I'm worried about you. Lately you've been distant. You get upset so easy. It's like your pushing everyone around you away. And tonight it's like you can't wait for me to leave."
"What? Your mad at me because you stop by uninvited and I don't lavish you with attention. Maybe you have that effect on some women..."
"It's not like that Sara and you know it! Don't try to turn this around on me. Your anger here is exactly what I'm talking about Mac. Talk to me. You can talk to me." Harm says half pleading
"Not this Harm. Just don't push it. Al right." Mac says a little testy
"Your not going to push me away Mac, not this time. I can't stand to see you like this. I've walked away too much as it is."
"Everything always has to be your way Harm. You always have to be the one on top, the winner." Mac says sarcastically
Harm walked over and took her hand and pulled her toward the door "Get your coat, I want to take you somewhere, I need to show you something."
Mac grabed her jacket off the back of the chair as they walk past it, to bewilder to resist or argue with him.
Fifteen minutes later they are pulling into the parking lot of the park. Harm jumps out of the car and heads over and opens Mac's door. He takes her hand and half pulls her out of the car and starts to walk at a brisk pace pulling a dazed Mac behind him. He comes to an abrupt halt about 200 feet away. "Do you know where we are Mac?"
"No" Mac answers a bit confused
"After Mic left we ran the Jag-a-thon. Do you remember?" Harm rushes out
"Yes. I still don't get it Harm. Now your starting to scare me. Whats going on."
"This is where we finished the race. The finish line was right over there. This spot is where we came to catch our breath. I told you here that I didn't want to be in front of you, I wanted to be beside you, even, no winner no loser Mac. Just equal. I meant that. So don't tell me I'm doing all this for me and my ego Mac. Your my friend, the best friend that I have ever had and I see something going on with you and I want to help so tell me what's the matter!" Harm half yells. He didn't expect it but years worth of pent up emotions were seething to the surface.
Mac's will power was beginning to slip after watching Harm and seeing all the passion, fear, and hurt in his eyes, and knowing without a doubt that she put it all there. She tried to blink back the tears and keep them at bay while keeping herself in check. She hadn't realized that she hadn't answered him until his deep pain stricken voice came booming in her head, and she felt his hands tighten around her arm, not painful just there.
"Answer me Mac. We're not leaving here until you do. Your one of the strongest people I know, one of the smartest too, but you know being strong doesn't mean never showing any weakness. Keeping it all inside makes you weak and stupid. What's going on?"He was on the verge of he didn't know what.
"I don't know! I just don't know, al right. I feel like I'm on this roller coaster flying out of control and I keep yelling for someone to stop it but no one can hear me. All I can see are all the decisions that I've made in my life where I have hurt the people I care about and how they have hurt me flying by. I feel like I'm watching my life through someone else's eyes. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm not. I just don't know how to stop it all. I don't want my life to be like this. The more I try to get my head above water the deeper I get sucked down. The only conclusion that I can come to is that it's safest if I'm alone, for everyone. You know that Harm. Look at what I did to you.Can we go now? Are you happy now?"Mac says tears flowing freely now feeling as though a thousand pound weight has been lifted off her chest she takes a few deep breaths.
Harm stands there for a few seconds in pure shock. "No I'm not. We're not finished yet. Your not going to push me away again Mac. I've lost you enough. I wont stand for it any more!If you wont admit that your afraid then I will. Do you know what I am afraid of more than anything. I'll tell you. I'm afraid of walking away from here tonight and never feeling they way I feel when I'm with you again. I love you Sara. I always have, I was just too afraid to say it. I won't let you walk away and shut me out again without a fight. We both deserve that much. Your the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think of at night, no matter how hard I try to block you out. I know your smile, your walk, I know the popping sound your jaw makes then you eat, its not loud but I know it, I know the way you twitch ever so slightly just before falling asleep, I know your leg hurts when it rains, you would never admit it but I knowit does, I know the squeaky noise you make on your plate with your fork when your thinking about something while you eat, I know the way your smile brightens an entire room, I know everything about you Sara and maybe that's what scares you so much. I know it sure scared the hell out of me. But the thought of you not being with me, not ever holding you, not ever kissing you, you never knowing how deeply I love you scares me a whole lot more. I love you Sara and there is nothing you could ever do to change that."
Mac's eyes over flowing with tears, she has waited so long to hear that Harm loved her, but it can't be true, it's just a phase, she'll hurt him or he will hurt her in the long run and the pain would be unbearable. She can't she shouldn't love him, it's the one thing that is definitely too dangerous. It can't be true, it just can't be. "Harm we can't..."
"Damn you Sara! Don't do this!" He closed the distance, cups her face in his hands and kisses her with burning emotion. He can feel her go limp in his hands, she's not fighting, no she's kissing him back. His heart soars. He reaches down and wraps his arms around her waist and up her back to support her weight as he deepens the kiss. Her hands slide up his chest and he feels as though he might explode. When he finally regains some control he slowly slides back from the kiss and looks Mac in the eyes "I love you Sara Catherine McKenzie. I love you."
Mac once again tries to protest "Harm this is..."
"No Mac don't think just Say it. Say it." He whispers softly
"I love you too." Mac says through tears "I love you too." With the release of those three little words Mac can feel so much lifting off of her, she can feel the warmth in the middle of the cold, and knows everything going to be al rignt.