Title: Heroes and Cowards
Author: Jo. R
Rating: PG
Category: Post-ep/Missing Scene: The Eye, McKay Angst, Thoughts, McKay/Weir
UST, Sheppard/Weir
Spoilers: 'The Eye'
Archive: Random Ramblings, SGA Helio, Gateworld,
Summary: A few minutes into McKay's mind after the episode ends.
Disclaimer: Still not mine. Never has been, never will be. Though I love
them all lots.
They call him a hero, the saviour of Atlantis.
Word has spread about how he saved the city, about how brave he was in the
face of danger. About how he moved to stand in front of her, between her and
the Genii gun.
He likes to think that he's capable of that bravery, that he's worthy of the
reputation he seems to have gained. That the newfound respect he's shown and
the gratitude he's received from Major Sheppard and Doctor Weir is
warranted.
But he knows it's not.
He knows that there was another reason for his bravado, one that isn't as
simple as being heroic.
One that reflects the true him he's ashamed of.
Rodney McKay is a coward.
He stepped in front of her to save her, yes, but it wasn't because he was
confident he could keep Kolya from pulling the trigger.
He got between her and the gun because he's grown to care about her, because
he can't imagine Atlantis without her but even that isn't the whole truth.
Even that doesn't do a thing to lift his shame.
No, Rodney McKay put his own life on the line to save Doctor Weir because
without her he couldn't have saved the city.
Because he couldn't have saved himself.
He sits to the side of the small group gathered in the common area of
Atlantis, tuning out the happy and relieved conversation going on. Wincing
subconsciously every time he hears his name.
No one can sleep tonight; the adrenaline is still coursing through their
veins. The danger is still too close to their minds, too fresh in their
memories. Instead they've chosen to stay together, to discuss what happened
and methods of how to stop it from happening again.
Every so often, someone jokes that they don't need to worry. He'll save
them. He's their hero now, just as much as Major Sheppard is.
Maybe even more.
He gets to his feet and excuses himself, half-convinced that no one will
notice. They've been too busy praising him and the Major to notice that he
hasn't been basking in his triumph so why should they notice that he's
leaving?
Rodney makes it to the corridor leading along to his quarters before
footsteps join his, a soft voice calling out to him to stop.
He turns, hoping the guilt doesn't show on his face.
"I just wanted to say thank you." Major Sheppard stands there with a
tentative, awkward at best, smile on his face, a hand held out in front of
him. A gesture of friendship Rodney hasn't seen directed at himself in such
a long time. "For what you did."
There's embarrassment in the Major's eyes and Rodney knows why it's there.
The feelings John has for their leader were forced to the surface during the
Genii attack and the Major hasn't yet had the chance to lock them away
again.
A movement behind him makes Rodney look up to see Elizabeth standing there
and he wonders if maybe the Major won't need to pretend they don't exist
anymore.
He reaches out to take the offered hand, ignoring the pang of jealousy that
rises up when John moves away after the gesture is accepted, retracing his
steps to stand beside the brunette woman gazing up at him with telling eyes.
"Anytime."
The one word hangs in the air and Rodney turns back and resumes the walk to
his quarters, thinking about the two people he'd left behind, two leaders in
their own ways, in their own right.
The jealousy fades into something else when he hears them walk past his
room, a soft laugh accompanying the murmur of voices. A promise of something
more.
He gets ready for bed and sinks down onto the mattress with a heavy sigh,
his eyes closing wistfully as he waits for his dreams to deliver what
reality cannot.
He might not be a hero, but he wonders if maybe he might not be a coward.
Fini