Fallen V

~*~

I'm falling forever

I'm Going Under

~*~

The next morning Draco woke up, feeling something warm against him. He slowly opened his eyes and realised that Harry was still lying in his arms. Carefully he released Harry and walked towards the bathroom. He had a lot to think about.

He seemed to have broken Harry, but it wasn't as much fun as he thought it would be. To see the boy crumble in front of him was no fun.

He'd pleased his father in every way to get a slave. He wanted a slave to get rid of this urge lingering deep inside him. The urge was always there. At first Draco had thought it was because he was gay. Now he knew that he was wrong. This urge wasn't because he wanted to be released in a sexual way.

The sex he had with Harry was good, but last night was even better. To see the boy taking a bit of the pleasure for himself was so much better than claiming all the pleasure. He had taken Harry's first sexual experience without asking. Of course it wasn't normal to take any sexual experience without asking, but the first was different for some reason. Your first sexual experience should be something enchanting. His hadn't been that enchanting, it had been horrible. Now he'd done the same to Harry.

All though he always told himself that guilt was a feeling he didn't have. He was sure that he was feeling it now and he had no clue how to fix it.

He couldn't set Harry free. His father would kill him. He couldn't stop touching Harry. For one his father would notice and to be honest... he just couldn't stay away from the boy. The urge to posses Harry was too big.

He could try to be friendly towards Harry, but that would only make the situation more awkward and him more vulnerable. Opening his heart to someone was not something he was familiar with.

Although his father raised him well, he'd always known that his father was wrong. He couldn't admit it in front of Harry, for his father would find out, but his father was wrong. He wasn't stupid and although all the Slytherin's had slaves, he knew that it was wrong. It was wrong to decide for another person, to force yourself into them. To hurt them so bad, mentally and physically.

Harry would never be like the his father's slaves. He knew that his father had trained his slaves, but Harry knew the difference between the real world and the dark world he was living in.

Harry would never be truly his.

Draco sighed and walked back to the bedroom, watching Harry sleep peacefully. He wondered how Harry could sleep so beautifully, after everything that happened to him.

When he first heard that Harry died, he didn't want to believe it. All his life he'd spend so many time trying to make Harry's life a living hell, but when he heard Harry was dead he was in shock. There was this feeling inside him, which he didn't recognise. The thought of Harry being gone forever just didn't appeal him as much as he used to think. As he was supposed to think. It didn't appeal him at all.

Draco ran a hand through his loose hair, which was much longer than in Hogwarts. He could not understand the feelings inside him. The urge to caress Harry was just as big as the urge to hurt the boy.

He hated the boy. He always had. Or did he only hate Harry because he was supposed to hate him?

He didn't know. He was so confused.

Draco bit his lip and decided to go back to bed. There was nothing he could do in this house anyway. Except 'playing' with Harry.

Would Harry ever know what his real feelings were? That he felt abandoned and so completely miserable in this house. Would he ever have the courage to tell Harry...

His life wasn't perfect. It had been far from perfect since... he couldn't even remember the last moment he'd been truly happy. Everything inside him had been numb. His heart was cold, nearly frozen. His eyes blind for reality. His ears deaf for everything he didn't want to hear. His father raised him to play dirty games.

His father deceived him in his face and yet he was to weak to realise it. To go against it.

Draco knew damn well why his father gave him Harry. His father thought that he would change back to the Draco he was. The fact was that he could never be that Draco again. Not after everything that happened.

His father had made a mistake bringing Harry here. Now he was forced to think, see and hear Harry's cries. His father had made a mistake raping him. Now he knew what hurt he had caused. His father made him see and feel. His father had made a mistake forbidding him to leave the house, afraid he might do bring shame upon the Malfoy name.

He did not like to admit it, but when his father brought Harry home he had been glad. Glad, because he had someone to talk to, to fight with, but he ruined it. He ruined it, because of the fear that lingered inside him. Fear for his father. Fear that his father might actually place a spell upon him, because he wasn't what his father wanted him to be.

He didn't understand. His father had sex with young boys, yet he had been disgusted when he noticed his affection towards boys. His father's boys.

He was supposed to marry a woman, he knew that. His father told him that every day. He didn't understand it though. The wizard society wasn't against gay people anymore. There were accepted, just like straight people were. And yet his father found it a shame. Such a shame that he locked his son away until he found the perfect wife. In the mean time he hoped that Draco would fulfill his seksual needs, using Harry and marry a woman when the time was right.

Maybe Draco wasn't strong enough to live a lie. He wasn't as strong as his father. He was weak.

Draco bit his lip and slid back under the covers of his bed. Feeling Harry's warmth next to him. He realised that things had to change dramatically if he wanted to get rid of this urge lingering inside him. If he wanted to fill this dark emptyness inside him. The dark emptyness he wasn't supposed to feel, being on the dark side.

There was something inside him that needed to be released. There was something inside him that needed to be comforted.

He didn't know why he was doing all these things, because in the end all he wanted was to be loved. Knowing that he would never get that someone.

At first he had hope that that someone could maybe be Harry, but he ruined it. Harry would spend the remainings of his days hating him. He hurt the boy. He deserved nothing but Harry's hate. He couldn't believe that he'd ruined it so badly for himself.

~*~

Closing your eyes to disappear
You pray your dreams will leave you here,
But still you wake and know the truth -
No one's there.

~*~

Harry woke up and looked beside him. Draco was lying next to him, sleeping soundly. There was a small tear in the corner of his eye.

Harry frowned. What in Merlin's name could be so bad in Malfoy's life, causing him to cry...

He turned around forcing himself not to think about last night, but images kept flashing around in his head. He grasped the sheets out of despair. The images had to go. He was so disgusted by himself.

Curled up in a little ball, Harry tried to force himself to think about Hogwarts. He succeeded, but those thoughts remembered him of what he'd lost.

To him life was about three things. Love, Friendship which would lead to Happiness. What was the point of living if you lost them all, not to get them back ever again? Love, the only time he really felt loved was in Hogwarts and when Sirius was still alive. He'd never experienced true love, if such a thing even existed and now he would never experience it... Not when he stayed locked away untill 'his master' got sick of him.

Friendship. He had the best friends someone could wish for. They loved him no matter what. Supported him in everything. Catched him when he was falling. Now he was falling and there was no one to catch him. No one to keep him from slipping into the darkness. They didn't know what he was feeling, they didn't even know he was still alive.

If those things were gone, never to come back. If you were in a situation which was driving you to the end. As if you were standing on the edge, almost falling into madness. Then what exactly is the point of living?

The point of living with hope, which you know is false. When you know that the following days of your live are the same. You'll experience the same hurt, the same shame. While you cannot push the thoughts from the previous days out of your head.

Crawling, your crawling through the remainings days of your life. With wounds that will not heal. Oblivious to everything around you, only feeling the pain inside you. Craving for love and tenderness.

There is no point in living, when all the good things are gone except for a memory. A vague memory that makes you want to go back.

Harry was crying again. Crying seemed to be the only thing he could do these last days. Crying hard, gasping for air every now and then. When he started it was as if he couldn't stop. Even when his tears stopped, he was still crying. As if that was the only thing keeping him sane.

~*~

I know you hear me,
I can taste it in your tears.

~*~

Behind him Draco woke up, realising it was Harry making so much noise. He stared at Harry's back for a few minutes, remaining silent. Awaiting the moment that Harry would stop crying, but it didn't come.

Draco carefully moved closer to Harry, not knowing what to do. He hated the boy with passion, but this was tearing his heart out. Knowing he caused it, made it even worse. He wondered if this was what guilt felt like, because it felt horrible.

He placed a cold hand upon Harry's shoulder, but Harry didn't move. Draco didn't know if the boy didn't care, or didn't notice. The urge to touch Harry was so strong, too strong to resist. His hand caressed Harry's soft hair and still Harry didn't move.

Draco tentatively moved his hand over Harry's arm, knowing he would have no defense what-so-ever if Harry questioned him about his actions. Yet he did not stop. He pressed his chest against Harry's back, offering him comfort. If only Harry would take it... Now the boy was just lying there, numb to the world.

Draco could smell the salty tears, when he placed a soft kiss on Harry's hair. Harry smelled so good, even if he smelled like salty tears.

~*~

Can you hear me?
Can you feel me in your arms?

Holding my last breath
Safe inside myself

~*~

Harry snapped back to reality, realising someone was holding him and comforting him. Just like he craved for, but the person was wrong. The person had the wrong intentions.

He realised that Draco was the only thing keeping him alive. If Draco would just let him die, he would with pleasure even. Only Draco would let him go, the boy wanted to torture him even more.

Didn't Draco see that he was already broken, Shattered? And now Draco was holding him, just like last night. It felt good, but so did last night. It felt good, because his body craved for it not his mind. His mind was telling him to scream, yell and fight. He had to yell, he couldn't let Draco play with him like this. Shattering even the shattered pieces of him.

"Malfoy, what the fuck are you doing?" Harry wanted to yell, but he could only whisper.

It took Draco long to reply. "You were crying," Draco answered, just as soft.

Harry roughly whiped away the tears on his cheeks. "It's almost as if you really care, Malfoy." Harry succeeded to spat, jerking his arm away from Draco's.

Draco rolled away from Harry, not replying.

Harry frowned, suddenly feeling suffocated. He had to get out of this cursed bed. Shaking slightly he stepped out of the bed, making his way towards the bathroom.

He slammed the door shut behind him, so hard that the mirror on the wall fell down. Shattering in little pieces in front of him.

Dark thoughts rushed through his head. Here right in front him was all he needed. It was time, time to leave this hell.

He knew that there was something after this life. He wanted to see his father and mother again. He wanted to hug Sirius. He wanted to be happy and feel loved again.

~*~

I'll miss the winter
A world of fragile things
Look for me in the white forest
Hiding in a hollow tree

Say goodnight, don't be afraid
Calling me, holding me, as you fade to black

Sweet rapture and life,
It ends here tonight.

Holding my last breath...

~*~

He began to pant slightly. Even though there was nothing left to stay for, he still had hope that his friends would find him. Now he realised that if they did, he would never be the same. He would never like to be intimate with someone again. He would never be truly happy again.

This would haunt him in his thoughts and in his dreams forever, untill he was released by death.

They already thought he was dead and the point of living was gone.

He collapsed on the floor, grabbing a piece of glass. He watched his reflection and saw how bad he was doing. His eyes were dull, his cheeks pale. He was nothing but a shadow. A dark shadow. His soul was already dead, the only thing that was still living was his body.

He pressed the glass into his finger, checking if it was sharp enough. He bit his lip, feeling the pain. To his surprise it felt good. A drop of blood dripped from his finger and splashed on the floor.

Harry sucked the blood from his finger, getting dizzy from the taste.

He realised that he had to hurry, if he didn't want some elf or Draco noticing it. Without thinking he pressed the glass against his wrist, pushing hard. He wanted to make sure he hit the blow vein.

He took in a sharp breath, bolding his fist. He couldn't afford to make a noise. To his satisfaction the blood flowed out of his wrist. He took the piece of glass in his bleeding hand, which was covered with blood and cut his other wrist a bit faster.

Somewhat shocked be dropped the glass, crawling backwards to the wall.

He sat against the wall, looking to the ceiling. His wrists hurt like hell, but he had to hold on. He had to get out of here.

His sight went blurry and he smiled to himself. He didn't feel the pain anymore. He escaped afterall...

~*~

Fallen Angels at my feet
Whispered Voices at my ear
Death before my eyes
Lying next to me I fear
She beckons me
Shall I give in
Upon my end shall I begin
Forsaking all I've fallen for
I rise to meet My End

~*~

Draco felt like screaming. Why couldn't he make Harry see that even though they were supposed to be enemies. And even though he hurt Harry so bad, over and over again. That he was just as sick of this life as Harry was. He couldn't say that he didn't meant to hurt Harry, because he did.

He just wanted to undo it now. He didn't need Harry in that way. He needed Harry in a different way, now he was pushing Harry away.

Draco frowned. Harry had been in the bathroom awfully long. He'd expected Harry to come back and shout at him, but he didn't.

Maybe he'd pushed Harry over the edge... Worry suddenly clouded his mind and he rushed towards the bathroom.

He opened the door and saw a pieces of a mirror lying in a pool of blood. Next to him Harry lay on the floor in the same pool. His wrists pressed against his chest. His eyes shut...

~*~

So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside that I'm sorry.

Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken

~*~

~*~

Used songs:

Going Under –Evanescence

My Last Breath –Evanescence

Whisper –Evanescence

Forgive Me –Evanescence

This will be continued...

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Love,

Black Elf(*Cherish)