Blue
Summary: Being in love with two people is hard. Finding yourself again, despite their ghosts is even harder. (Part II of True)
Disclaimer: hmm...yeah, no.
Rating: Boarderline. Playing it safe.
A/N: So here's part II. I didn't know there was going to be a part II. But there is. This takes place after True, and if you want this could take place after Finally. It's up to you. So read it, tell me what you think, if you wanna give me that satisfaction. Okay Thanks kids.
I was awake...finally. And all I could feel the cold clear sunlight, filtered and all, through the crème colored thin musty curtains that hung over the only window in our bedroom. I didn't want to get up quite yet, clinging a little longer, and feeling the rough feeling of his hands laced with mine underneath the thin sheets and old blankets. Ever since that morning when I came in new, ever since when I'd finally let him in, we'd fallen asleep like this every night. Having pieces of each other coming together and healing every bleeding part that was left.
"Manny..." He whispered to my back. To the walls of the silent plaster filled room, and filtered light. He buried his face into my neck, and I knew today was going to be a hard one for him. It was all part of another endless chapter that made up the product of us. Of who we got to be, as we are now in our fucked up fullest. I just let him hold my hand under the sheets, because that's all I knew how to do.
I was learning, I was trying really hard, but I had a feeling today was the day I'd finally be put to the test. We both would. I couldn't shake the feeling in my stomach, and I tried every mind trick I could think of in my head to keep from thinking. Finally I knew I couldn't hide from today. That was something I had picked up on. Something my naivety no longer lingered in. I couldn't run or hide, things would happen, shit would happen, and I'd have to deal with it no matter what. I slipped out of bed, kissing him on the cheek figuring when I saw his eyes closed that he must have gone back to sleep.
Actually no, that's a lie. I knew he was pretending to be asleep, you know when someone's really asleep, the atmosphere in the room changes like your completely alone. Sean wasn't asleep; he was just pretending to be so he wouldn't have to deal with the awkwardness of talking about what was going to happen today so soon. The kitchen floor was grungy, I hadn't swept or mopped it in weeks, it was the kind of floor that stuck to your feet when you walked across it. It was the kind of floor that left you feeling dirty just by stepping on it.
The dishes were piled in the sink as usual, and the fridge was empty except for lingering bottles of beer, coke, and the occasional lemon or two. I managed to keep coffee just because it was one of the things that I held onto secretly from my little girl days when I figured when I dreamed of chocolate love and prince charmings. I always thought that coffee was grown up, and even now as I played grown up with Sean, I held onto that. What I thought to myself now, was such a childish notion. I was so much above that; I'd try to convince myself. Although I knew it wasn't true. I was exactly the same, only different. We were dirt poor, and so the stuff we got wasn't even the real kind. It was chalky instant kind, the kind you use your imagination with every sip you take. It leaves you more disgusted after drinking it but still was all part of the elaborate charade that I was waiting to unravel around me.
I sat there at the kitchen table for a little bit. Crossing my legs in the chair and stirring my coffee. The heating was practically off again, and I tried to focus on the warmth in the cup. I thought it tasted disgusting and I really wanted hot chocolate but I forced myself to drink it anyways. I was so lost in the pool in my cup that I didn't even see him standing in the doorway.
"Hi." He said making me jump just a little. He was all disheveled in grey Ecko sweatpants and no shirt. He pulled a beater over his head as he walked into the kitchen poured himself a cup of coffee and sat down next to me. The only thing that would have completed the picture of the roles we were playing would have been a newspaper, but we couldn't even afford that.
"So" I said breaking the silence between us, and finally going where we both didn't want to go, "we should probably leave by 11 or so..." I said looking to get some kind of reaction out of him.
"Yeah, okay." Was all I got as he took another sip. I wondered if he actually liked the chalk I made everyday, or if I he was kind wishing it was something else too. But then again, Sean isn't one to wish. "Okay." I said kind of amazed, relieved, and all at the same time disappointed by his reaction. I got up and put my coffee mug in the sink, completing the pile of junk. I went into the bathroom and got the water running. I stared at the door. It was one of those the million things I debated everyday, as I figured weather to close the door or not. I finally closed it. And somehow it seemed a little too loud to me.
The dim coral bathroom walls glowed and the light above the sink had burned out again. I showered and did everything by my normal rotuines. Getting out, drying off, finding underwear, blow drying my hair, and then taking the light green dress off the hanger and sliding it onto my body. I inspected myself in the mirror, my eyes, my dimples, and the fabric against my skin, my hair. Everything fell just perfectly in place. Seeing myself peering back from behind the glass so beautifully made me nostalgic and long for happiness, but I couldn't fake a smile. I practiced in the mirror, smiles I would make for the crowd. Each one more forced than the next. I decided not to smile at all. I laced my eyes with mascara, and smeared my lips with lip-gloss.
The finished product was never satisfactory to me. I knew I was beautiful, not that to meant much to me anymore. All my life I had been told I was in little words and whispers, like "Oh Manny your so adorable!" which soon faded to "Manny your SO hot", but I never really believed any of it until he'd say it. "Your so beautiful..." he'd say into my neck, the same place Sean would lay his head and kiss every morning. As far as I wanted to keep him from creeping into my mind again, sometimes he'd come back. In little moments like the way the light flickered in the coral bathroom that smelled like clean, like his clothes. Little connections that brought me back to memories that splashed vividly in the back of my mind. I turned off the light and walked away from the steam and soap and into the fresh light of our room.
The weather had changed now, the sun replaced with the dim winter's grey clouds. Everything outside was asleep. Everything was dead. I closed the curtains, because I didn't want to have the ugliness from outside seep into our already ugly apartment. He had gone back to sleep on the bed. The comforter still warmth of both of us sleeping. I sat down with my perfect hair and light pink lips and gently ran my finger over his eyelids. He looked so sad in his sleep and as I put my mouth up against to kiss him into consciousness his I heard him murmur something against it.
A name.
And it wasn't my name.
How can hearing something like that hurt you? How can you be mad over a girl that isn't even there anymore? Over a girl that is dead? Could he get jealous over the way I looked at the burned out lights and put together like puzzles in my head connections back to Craig? I got off the bed and bit my lip. I didn't want to cry and ruin my makeup, my perfect innocent eyes and glossy lips needed to stick. I couldn't re-do it all; I couldn't go through the steps and find myself in the bathroom all over with too much time to think. I walked away from Sean sleeping on the bed and glanced at the clock. We needed to go. Hesitantly I tore him away from his alternate reality and brought him back to me. "Sean..." I said pushing away any jealousy or the selfish spitefulness I had buried deep down. "We need to go." I said looking away after the last word. "Oh right, sorry." He said rubbing his eyes completely clueless to the moment of clarity and panic that had just happened between us. I waited for him in the kitchen, pouring some water and waiting for him to appear.
He did, 3 minutes later, cleaned up nicely. I couldn't help but smile to myself. Here we were leaving our apartment, in such nice clothes, like real grownups. I liked it when things like things like this happened. He held my hand as we walked down the green rusted stairs and we giggled together outside at the sound our shoes made across the patted down snow, and slush on the sidewalks.
We may have looked like adults, but we sure acted like kids. He gave me a goofy grin and I ran ahead of him screaming.
"No!" I screamed, "You can't!! This dress!! You wouldn't dare!"
I screamed shrieking with laughter running ahead of him on our walk to the car. I hid behind a snow bank and caught my breath. I smiled and waited for him to find me. Out of nowhere he finally did screaming at me trying to scare me and picking me up. He carried me to the car and I let him. I loved how I had the ability over him to make him let loose, to create moments like these where my girlish innocence made him realize not to take everything so seriously. I still had that gift. When we both got into the car we were both out of breath. Our cheeks pink and our giddiness just starting to die down.
He looked over at me with the utmost concern, "you don't have to do this if you don't want to." He said his voice steady in all sincerity. "I know, but I want to." I said back using those eyes on him, those innocent eyes. He took my hand and kissed my forehead lightly and started the car. Driving the four miles to school, four miles to another time, in another situation we'd need each other. Another situation I'd sit and trace back connections and smile but at the same time try as hard as I could to block back the seeping memories.
He didn't go to school much anymore. I was there almost everyday, but just for classes. He'd pick me up for lunch and any other space in-between, or not in-between. He stopped after she died, and never really went back. I knew he regretted it sometimes, and sometimes he would try to make an effort to go. But with his working, and studying, nothing kept up. Sometimes he'd be sad thinking about it all.
I knew that look when he'd try not to think about the any chance for a future he'd throw away every time he cut class. So walking in was a little unfamiliar for him. Fingers laced we walked down the hall and into the gym. Emma had already started her speech and Ashley was sitting behind her on a stiff metal chair holding Paige's hand and crying. We stood in the back. We didn't even have chairs because they're where none left. She droned on and to be honest I wasn't even listening. I leaned up against the wall and Sean stood beside me. I needed to be here today because to be honest, I thought I had to be. Like if I didn't go he'd never go away.
This memorial service marked a little over a year since his death, and some of his money, of his father's, was going to be donated for a garden or something like that outside. I tried not to think about it. His death made everyone act like actors in a great charade, because without him it was like reality didn't exist anymore. In what reality did he become money? In what reality did he go from kissing me and being the first boy I giddily fell in love with and the first boy who completly broke my heart to some tree in the backyard of the school? And in what reality was Ashley stuck as playing his girlfriend to all of us for indefinitely? I broke away from it all and started to walk. I drifted down the empty hallways. I had never imagined myself here. Ever.
That little girl that I once was in these same halls would never have predicted I'd end up being with Sean now living away from my parents and throwing away almost all of the expectations of life that I once had; that death could even touched the farthest corner of my world was unimaginable, that little girl would not understand the kind of love and remorse I was feeling all at the same time. She wouldn't have understood it how I lost my virginity to Craig, and how everything we did ended up connecting ourselves back to each other. After Ashley and him had gotten back together my sophomore year we had found ourselves again. He had crawled into my window late at night and for some reason I didn't even question it. He looked at me like he had a thousand words to say and he started to but I didn't let him. All I said was "I know..." Because I did.. It was exactly the same for me. Our time together after that was some of the best. Maybe the whole magical aspect of our relationship was reliant on the fact that we were always together in secret. Everything wasn't blurred with our everyday lives. It was just me and him, falling in love with each other, again and again; again. He died 2 months later.
Here was everyone coming together, laughing and crying together. Looking back on memories together, and I knew I had once fit with those memories too. I didn't anymore. I felt like a stranger. Even to Emma who faintly smiled at me as she chatted excitedly with J.T. about what a beautiful service it was. It was just a process all of this, something I had to do, something I needed to leave behind. But with all of them growing up, and me feeling like I was the one being left behind. I didn't know any of them anymore.
"Let's go." He came up from behind me and for once I agreed. I couldn't find closure here with these fake smiles and tears, and I couldn't take anymore of this. We went out to his car and he didn't say a word. He just made a face I knew that meant he was angry but I didn't ask why. I didn't want to know right now. I was too busy wrapped up in my own memories, my own feelings. I didn't want to break them, quite yet. Darkness was creeping over the sky as we got to the apartment. Streetlamps were coming on, the orange shadows drifting across the frozen wasteland. The air was bitter, and it was one of those nights that you could swear that if you wondered away from the light there wouldn't be anything there.
Nothing was said all the way up. Nothing but the sound of my pink heels on the wood stairs, nothing but the sound of the heaters humming silently throughout the building.
"Okay, what is it." I said finally as we got into the apartment and peeled off our jackets throwing them on the couch.
"Nothing." He said angrily and stomped off being as stubborn as usual. I had learned to accept this, but now I was growing annoyed. I was growing angry and frustrated, my feet hurt and I was cold. My lips were chapped and this place was a mess.
"Sean! Stop it!" I screamed as he sat down trying to ignore me. "STOP IT!" I hated it. These little games he'd play to, trying so hard for me to figure out what was going on. He just store straight ahead and turned on the TV. I couldn't do it then. I was cold and tired, and sad and for once there was too much. Too much of everything.
"Talk to me!" I shouted. Throwing the remote out of his hand. Looking for some sign in his eyes. "TALK TO ME!!!" I was screaming now. I wanted to control myself but I couldn't. I know I was picking an argument that could have been unsaid. He could have just come in later when I was pretending to be asleep, and kissed my face and whispered in my ear that he was sorry. But it was going past that now. I knew we were on the brink of disaster.
His eyes were getting angry. Finally they looked at me.
"You wanna know Manny?" I didn't say anything because I was too busy holding my breath. For some reason I had woken up with this feeling.... that today was going to be the day it would all come down on me. I was the one that was silent now.
"Because it seems to me, you don't. I don't either sometimes Manny, but today..."
You could have heard nothing but the sound of the hum of the washing machine going from the floor below us. I knew what he was about to say but I let him say it anyways.
"They don't even give a fuck about her. Do you know what that's like? To have every one act like she was never there just because of the way she died? She killed herself Manny, and it was because of me. She said I was killing her. And here they are, crying about Craig and planting trees, when Manny all she ever wanted was a chance to be really happy." He started to cry but tried to hide it. He didn't want to be weak in front of me. Even after everything he was still afraid to be weak in front of me. I didn't know what to do. I started to walk over to over, I started to try to touch him, but he was too broken to be touched in that moment.
"Don't...okay Manny? Cause he's not coming back!! Deal with it! She's gone and I'm dealing! But I can't give you everything Manny. I'll never graduate. I'll never get out of here. I'll never be able to give you half of what he would have." He started to get angry, in that scary way Sean tended to. "Because Manny, I'm not him! And I never will be!!" He screamed and picked up his jacket on the way out the door. Knocking the telephone off the table and slamming the grey door. Everything finally crumpling into worthless bits.
All you could still hear was the sound of the dryer still, and the colors of light flashed on my face from the muted TV in the dark apartment.
"I never asked you to be..."
I whispered to myself against the blue light. With the overwhelming urge to run I gave in and grabbed my jacket. But this time, not away. Just to run. I pounded down the stairs and out the door. Opening them to a silent snow globe. Everything was silent. Just perfect little snowflakes drifting down from the sky. And it was beautiful. Everything was quiet and perfect. In the middle of the street I stood the flakes sparkling against my eyelashes and into my hair.
At first everything was with me. Craig, Sean, every aspect of my life that had caught up with me out here in the snow. But soon that all quieted in the silence and beauty of it all. I threw my hands out and spun. I spun around in it. Tasting it. Breathing it, catching them on my face. Maybe Sean and I would find away to need each other through everything, and maybe Craig would find a way just be a part of me. But for now I was alone. It was just me.
spinning in circles in the snow.