Fallen XI
(I seem to have lost the email address of my beta-reader. So if you're reading, please email me. :$)
The day passed by slowly. Harry never spoke one word. He just sat in the room, writing endlessly.
Draco watched him secretly, while he continued his painting. The painting was ruined, his mood was dark. The colors he used were dark. All the warm brightness disappeared from the painting. There was now a figure with dark wings. Waiting for something(absolution) that would never come. Craving for his chains to be unleashed. For his wings to be set free. For a kind of freedom one would only find in another person.
Draco sighed and walked out of the room. He could not bare the tension, the guilt and the pain. He didn't know what happened. Why he did it. The pull was just too strong and his hopes to big. He should have known, remembered, that hope would only lead to disappointment. Now all his hope was shattered. Even his hope to get out of this Manor. Harry wouldn't want to take him.
He sat on his bed and sighed. It was four o'clock in the afternoon. To early to go to sleep, yet there seemed nothing else that he could do. Except maybe he should really talk to Harry. His heart was beating in his throat by the thought of even walking up to Harry. He was far to scared. Scared to see the damage his kiss had caused. Scared to see the hatred in Harry's eyes. Scared to see the pain and emptiness behind Harry's eyes and knowing he had caused it all.
Yet he knew that he did not have a choice. This was his fault and it was up to him to fix it.
It took Draco fifteen minutes to get himself to stand up and walk back into the art room.
"Harry." He whispered, barely hearable. Yet he knew Harry had heard him.
Harry didn't respond. He was sitting at Draco's desk, staring at the piece of paper in front of him.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It was so selfish to kiss you. I should have realized the impact it would have on you. I'm sorry." Draco said.
Harry was still staring and didn't respond.
Draco wondered if Harry could be so caught up in his thoughts that he'd pushed reality away and therefore would not hear him speak. His hope for getting an answer faded away and he turned around, leaving the room.
"I don't understand you." Harry suddenly said, shattering the violent silence that was tearing Draco's heart in two.
"Why not?" Draco asked.
"You... You've been through the same thing I've been through. The same hurt. Your hurt must have been so much worse. It was your own father and yet... you seem fine, while it's slowly eating me inside. Eating everything that I once was and leaving nothing but an empty me. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be who I've become. I want to be strong, like you." Harry said.
Draco shook his head, walking towards Harry and turning the boy's chair around. He wanted the boy to look at him. "Harry. You are strong and I'm not fine. Deep inside I'm everything but fine, but I just push it away in a dark corner. Force myself not to think about it and when you live in a world like mine. You learn to disguise many feelings. You even learn to disguise them for yourself. I don't know if I'll get away with it, maybe I'll go mad one day. Harry you're dealing with it, I'm hiding it away. That makes you the stronger person."
Harry looked at him and frowned. "You seem to know yourself pretty well."
"Well when you're locked into a room. It's hard not to think about yourself." Draco sighed. "I'm sorry Harry. I know I've shattered the fragile beginnings of your recovery."
Harry pushed Draco away from him and turned away from the boy. "Yes well. You should have thought about that before you kissed me."
Draco sighed. He should have known that this was coming. The guilt and pain burned him inside. He was rejected and he knew that the rejection was totally his fault. This made him hate himself even more. He knew that there was no point in staying and turned around to leave.
"Malfoy, I just want to know one thing." Harry suddenly spoke up.
"What it is Harry?" Draco asked.
"Is that all I am worth to you? A boy you take advantage of when he's vulnerable." Harry spat, angrily broken.
"No!" Draco exclaimed. "No! You're getting it all wrong. That was not what I intended to do."
"Oh. It wasn't your intention to remind me of everything you did to me?" Harry asked, furiously.
"No, of course not." Draco said, shaking his head. He didn't know what to say or do. Or How Harry got this idea in his head.
"Then why did you do that? Why? You knew I'd freak out. All these images in my head, all that pain. I just relived that again, thanks to you. I wanted to forgive and forget as far as that was possible. I wanted to do what my mother told me to do; help you. And now I have no idea where I'm going to find the strength to go on. Because you know what? This life just aint worth living." Harry finished.
Draco was totally horrified by Harry's words. They stung like a thousand bees attacking his heart. "Oh... my... God! What did I do?" was the only thing Draco could say. He didn't even know where to begin. Everything Harry just said was so wrong and right at the same time.
Harry turned away from him again and stared to the wall in front of him.
Draco's legs collapsed underneath him as he sank to the floor. His hands were shaking, his heart beating. Because he knew that he was to weak to tell Harry what it was he felt for the beautiful boy. He was scared, scared to find his whole life shattered in front of him when Harry would tell him that there was no way the two of them could be anything close to lovers. "Harry... I wish I could explain it all to you. Explain me to you, but I can't. And I am sorry what I did to you, so so sorry. I will do anything to make you feel better. I wish I could erase that part of our lives, because those images do not only haunt you. They haunt me too. They tell me every day what a monster I am. What monsters humans are. I turned into a monster then and took one of the few pure things in this world and made it black. Before I did that to you Harry, you used to be so pure and vivid. You could see your soul dance behind your eyes. Even though you had seen so many dark things, you could deal with them. And I found probably the one thing you can't deal with, because your soul has gone black now. The guilt I feel for doing that to you is big, Harry, nearly unbearable. Part of me wants to feel that guilt, to feel that hurt. To make sure I will remember what I did. The other part wants it to go away so I can stop hating myself and it does sometimes."
Harry was looking at him now, his eyes were filled with unshed tears. "Why is everything so difficult? So complicated? Why does death look so tempting en life so unbearable. It seems that life is taking all the good things away, as I go on. Sometimes I think we humans got it all wrong. Life is the bad guy, not death. Only because we do not know death we keep on living, it seems. Why wouldn't you die on the moment you've awaited for so long and know that life cannot take it away and that you'll be together in death. You'll be happy in death and life could not tear you two apart. ever."
"Are you talking about love?" Draco asked, confused.
"Yes. I think I agree with you. Love will make your life wonderful, I just think that you should die right at that moment. To make sure this cruel world won't take it away." Harry answered.
To say Draco was shocked to hear this was an understatement. "Harry, you don't mean that. Come on. Life is so much better than Death. In life you can go on, in death you are standing still, forever."
"What if I don't want to go on and stay in that moment forever?" Harry asked.
"Harry you are scaring me. You really want to commit suicide the moment you find your love. You don't want to enjoy the love you have?" Draco asked, his heart was racing and he wondered when Harry had thought up these strange ideas. Strange, but true. In a way.
"Yes. Why wouldn't you?" Harry asked.
"I... I don't know." Draco said. "You just don't."
"Well maybe that's the whole problem in this world. People love life too much." Harry said as if he just figured it all out.
"So you are willing to take that change?" Draco asked, desperate to get this idea out of Harry's head. "To jump in Death's darkness. Without knowing what you will find or where you will be."
"I've been there already, Malfoy." Harry spat. "I know what I'll find."
"No. You. Don't." Draco said. "You'll never know what you will find. Even wizards who can predict the future do not know what they'll find. Life and Death isn't something to mess around with."
"I know. I'm not messing around with them. They are messing around with me and I can't take much more. So when I feel like I'm happy, I'll die. I don't want to die alone and hollow inside." Harry yelled.
"Harry..." Draco sighed in relieve. At least the boy wasn't going to kill himself right away.
"What?" Harry snapped. He saw Draco's bottom lip trembling and the tears in the corner of his eyes, ready to roll down.
"I... you scared me and now I just realize that you're just afraid. Scared of living, because your life never gave you the true joy of living. You are scared of being alone, just like everyone else. And you're scared of losing love. Just like you lost your friends." Draco said, shaking. "And that's completely understandable when you see what life has brought you. You've gone through so many shit in your life and so many things were taken away from you. Not only Voldemort did that, but so did Dumbledore."
"Since when do you know how my life works?" Harry said. He tried to control his anger, but it was rushing through his veins. Even though Draco was standing in front of him, crying.
"Because you and me are very much alike." Draco said. He didn't know why he was crying and he didn't want to. But all these emotions were just too much for him.
Harry sighed. It was true, they were very much alike. He looked at Draco and found himself wanting to hug the boy, but at the same time he knew he the contact would make his mind spin again. The contact he longed for would never be the same again. It would always have a dark side. Contact would always bring those images back. Contact would never be what he longed for, because he could not forget. The things he felt for Draco and his memories were in constant battle in his head.
"Let's just get the hell out of this place and see what happens." Harry finally spoke. "Because this place has a very bad and negative influence on my feelings."
Draco nodded, as he was trying to stop crying. But every time he wiped a tear away, another replaced it. "Maybe you should go alone."
"Don't bring that up again. You know that I won't do that." Harry said, sighing.
"No, seriously. It's better for me to stay here." Draco said.
"You know you will die in this place. Just like I will die if I stay here much longer." Harry said.
Draco sighed. It was so hard to explain this, without making it seem like the whole thing was about him. "I will only come if you are one hundred percent sure that you can and want put up with me and all your memories while this lasts. Until I have got my life back on track."
"I told you that I would." Harry said getting angry again. Why did they have to go over this so many times. It was his fucking destiny.
"Yes that's because you think you have to do this, because it is the bloody right thing to do. I don't want to be something you took upon you, because you had the feeling that you had to do so. I want to be something you actually want near you. If not, I will refuse to go." Draco yelled.
Harry looked at Draco in disbelieve. "I do like you and I like your company. You have to believe that and when we get out of here. I will stay with you."
"Even though it will eat you up inside to see the images flash through your mind every time you look at me?" Draco asked.
"What? They don't. Why do you think that?" Harry asked, surprised.
"Because that's what I see when I see my father. On the paintings... and when I think of him in my head. It's like my head is spinning, flipping through all the images. And you must have so much more images of me... doing that to you." Draco confessed.
Harry bit his lip. "This situation sucks."
"Badly." Draco agreed. His heart sank to the floor. Harry was ignoring the whole subject.
"What are we going to do about it?" Harry asked.
"Well let's be honest with each other for one," Draco said.
Harry frowned. "About what?"
"Our feelings." Draco answered. It was Now or Never.
"What about our feelings?" Harry asked, flustered.
"I want to know what I am to you." Draco said, his heart racing and voice trembling.
"What? Where did this come from?" Harry asked, obviously very uncomfortable.
"I just want to know, before ... before we escape." Draco said, knowing that it made no sense at all. And he didn't even know where he got the courage to ask this, but he was just so fed up with waiting and guessing. He just wanted to know. There and then what his life would look like. A life with Harry, or a life without Harry. Unfortunately a life without Harry wouldn't really be a life. He pictured himself sitting in his house with a dozen cats to accompany him.
"Why are you asking me this. You know the answer you'll get." Harry sighed.
"No, I don't." Draco said. These emotions were new to him, he couldn't even control his breath and hated himself for asking. When he knew the answer he would get.
"You are the person who caused my mind to be messed. You are the person hurting me the most. But you are also the person who brought me back to life. The person I could turn to when it was too much. And now... if you'd asked me this morning I would have said you were my friend. Now it's all messed up. I think you still are and you're the person who'll know me better than anyone else, after this." Harry said.
The answer shocked Draco. He had expected Harry to say just one word. 'nothing'. But it wasn't enough. A friend wasn't enough. He knew he had to be so pleased with the fact Harry saw him as a friend, but he wasn't. To him it wasn't enough and it could never be enough.
"Alright. Thank you." Draco said, turning around and walking out of the room.
Harry, however, stopped him. "Wait. You didn't tell me what you feel towards me."
Draco sighed. It was as if he was holding his heart in his hands. Begging Harry to care of it, but Harry just dropped it in front of him. "You already know that."
"No."
"I love you!"
I'm sorry if this chapter bored you. I'm just trying to put my ideas and the things I thought of then into my story. Because my story isn't a fairy tale and you shouldn't expect it to be. Except for the ending maybe...
Oh and no lyrics in this chapter. sorry for that as well.