Chapter Eight

A few nights later, Kristy stayed late at work. An idea had been forming in her head, one that she hadn't had much time to dwell on. But when the office got quiet and outside, night began to fall, Kristy made a quick favor call to Stacey and then stayed at her desk, gazing out the windows as the city began to make its transformation into a glittering kingdom. Lights snapped on, yellow and blue and white, against the backdrop of a deep pink sky. Kristy wished she could paint a picture of the scene. For awhile she watched as the pink faded into violet and then finally dark blue. And then she turned back to her computer and began typing.

I have always been an Idea person. My mother used to tell me that when I was little, I'd come up with creative ideas for my dolls. I'd make my best friend, Mary Anne, come over and play with me and with our dolls, we'd play all sorts of games. We'd invite Claudia from across the street, who was our resident artist, and she'd help us make fabulous doll clothes. Perhaps that was the start of my love for baby-sitting. Because when I was twelve, I decided to take my ideas and my passion for children and turn them into a money-making success.

Kristy was so busy typing that she didn't notice that anyone else was in the office, at least, not until someone cleared his throat. Startled, Kristy looked up.

"I'm leaving now," Clive announced, a bit stiffly. "Are you all right here?"

Kristy nodded. Things had been awkward between Kristy and Clive since the night of their date. The sight of him still caused her heart to pound, but she just couldn't take the risk. However, she knew that she must have hurt Clive, because he wasn't as friendly towards her. He was polite enough, but he never smiled at her the way he used to. Kristy let out a little sigh. Why did things have to be so complicated?

"If you're all right," he went on, "I'll be heading out."

She nodded again. "Good night, Clive."

He turned away and started towards the elevator. Kristy looked back down at her monitor, reading the paragraph she'd written. Heading back up to the top of the document, she slowly typed the words, "Memoirs of a Twelve-Year-Old Entrepreneur. By Kristy Thomas."

"Kristy."

Kristy looked up again, startled. Clive had doubled back and was standing at her desk again.

"Yes?"

Clive let out his breath and set down his briefcase slowly before sitting down in a chair opposite of her. "I just want to know," he began. "What it is, exactly, that you're afraid of."

The question took her by surprise, and Kristy's natural instinct to being surprised was to be defensive. She narrowed her eyes at him. "I beg your pardon?"

"What are you afraid of, Kristy?" He looked directly into her eyes. Damn, he was intense. Kristy couldn't bring herself to meet his gaze. She looked down, pretending to be absorbed in some papers on her desk. She even shuffled them around a bit, for good measure. "I don't know what you're talking about, Clive."

She could feel him staring at her, but she refused to look up. After a minute, she heard him sigh and mutter something under his breath. He got up again, and only then did Kristy look up. He was turning away, beginning to head out.

Suddenly, something snapped inside of her and before she even knew what she was doing or what she was saying, the words had tumbled out of her mouth. "I'm afraid of you," she snapped.

Clive stopped, paused in his tracks before slowly turning and facing her again. "What?"

Kristy let out her breath. Her heart was still pounding but she had already come this far--she might as well keep going. Dropping her pile of papers on the desk, she leaned her elbows on the desk. Briefly, she pressed her forehead into her raised hands before looking up at him again. "I'm afraid of you," she repeated, more calmly this time.

In an instant, he was back, this time beside her, pulling a chair around to her side of the desk. "Why are you afraid of me?" he asked, his voice gentle.

Kristy shook her head and sighed, averting her eyes. "I don't know if you've ever been hurt before," she said. "But I have. I've been in love before. . . dramatic, passionate love, even if we were young." Once she began talking, the words kept tumbling out and she was powerless to stop them. She no more could have stopped the words anymore than she could have turned back time to before she turned her life upside down. "We were constant companions, and I was convinced that there would never be anyone else for me. How could there be? All I could see was him. That's why I did what I did with him. What could it hurt? I thought I was being an adult. All my life, my friends always said that I was the immature one. Tomboy Kristy, she was never interested in boys. Never wore make up. Never had a boyfriend. She'd take a softball game or a baby-sitting job over a date, and when you're young, things like that are childish. But when I met Steven, it was different. Suddenly, I felt like an adult, too. I had this guy who was sensitive, caring, sweet. And I thought he loved me."

Clive didn't interrupt her, he just kept his gaze steady on her, his expression neutral, listening to what she had to say. While she spoke, her eyes filled with tears, but she didn't let them spill over onto her cheeks. She held them back.

"When he wanted to sleep with me, I decided that it was past time for me to get with the program. It would be an expression of love. It was the mature, adult thing to do. . .if I loved him, why not give myself to him completely? And so I did, and then I found out I was pregnant with Sarah. The first thing I did was tell Steven. And he went ballistic on me. He told me that it was my fault, that I wasn't careful enough. I should have known how to prevent it. If a condom wasn't enough, I should have known better. He had a full football scholarship to UCLA. He wasn't going to ruin his life over me or any baby. He said I was on my own. If I wanted to abort it, that was my business. If I was going to keep it, then he wouldn't have any part of it."

She could see Clive clench his jaw in anger, but he still didn't speak. She took it as a sign that he wanted her to go on.

"That's when I realized that he wasn't in love with me. The crushing pain of knowing you've given yourself to someone, and then you find out that they never loved you at all. . .it's too much. I still don't understand. I don't understand how you can experience something, and it can look like love, and feel like love, but it isn't love. It's something less. . .something not as strong. . . and I fell for it." She shook her head. "I had to leave Stoneybrook. The town where I grew up became an enemy land. I didn't know who to trust. If Steven could react so horribly, then how would my friends react? My family? I didn't want to face it. So I took money from my stepfather's safe and I ran away. . ."

"And you came here," Clive finished. It was the first time he had spoken. She hadn't even been looking at him anymore. As she spoke, she gazed at a far wall, which was blurry through her tears. Blinking, she turned back to face him. His own expression was a mixture of anger and concern. She nodded.

"I don't want to get tied up with men," she said after a moment. "Going through heartbreak like that is more than enough to last me a lifetime. My first priority is Sarah. I can't do that to her, either. I can't date men, introduce these people into her life, only to take them away when a relationship doesn't work. It isn't fair to her. I've cheated her enough already."

"How so?" Clive asked carefully.

"I grew up without my real father. He left when I was six and I rarely ever saw him. All during my childhood, I hated him for that. I hated that my friends, even my friends who had divorced parents, got to see their fathers, got to spend time with them. Their fathers watched them grow up. Mine didn't. And now, because of my selfish mistake, Sarah will have to go through the same thing." She shook her head.

They fell into silence. Kristy blinked to rid her eyes of her tears and took a deep breath. A part of her was regretful that, after all of her careful planning, she'd spilled all of her secrets to Clive Brighton, leaving them out on the table, fresh and vulnerable. But most of her didn't care. It was such a relief to finally get her feelings out. To speak them, hear the words, shed the tears that she'd kept bottled inside for so long. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from her shoulders.

"There is something you need to understand," Clive said finally. "I understand that you were, and still are, in a great deal of pain. But none of it is your fault. You got cheated, plain and simple. Your vulnerability caused you to fall in with the first boy you felt connected with, and when you gave yourself to him, it wasn't out of recklessness or lust, but rather out of love. You couldn't control his true self anymore than you could control what happened as a result of your actions. You didn't behave selfishly. You behaved romantically, and you cannot be blamed for something as innocent as that."

"You mean naïve," Kristy corrected.

Clive gazed at her, and then finally shook his head. "No, not naïve," he responded. "There's nothing naïve about you. Naïve implies a lack of understanding, and a lack of experience. Innocence is something else entirely. Innocence is having the heart to believe in things even when your experience tells you not to."

Kristy smiled faintly. "I've never heard anyone explain it like that."

Clive reached out and took her hand. "I'm sorry for what you've gone through," he said sincerely. "If I could meet your boyfriend on the street, I'd quite like to beat him to a bloody pulp."

Kristy grinned.

"But," Clive went on, "in life, bad things are going to happen. All you can do, Kristy, is look for the good in them. Look at it this way. If it weren't for that happening, you wouldn't have Sarah in your life now. I know how much joy she brings you. Can you imagine a life without her in it?"

Kristy tried, and then shook her head. "No."

"You can't shut out the world because of fear," he continued. "Otherwise, you're letting that fear take over you. And when the fear is in control, then you don't have control over your own life anymore."

Kristy sat back, letting his words absorb. Finally, she nodded silently. He was right, of course. She knew it. Maybe she had known it all along. But hearing it from someone else put it into perspective. She looked up at him, feeling a sense of gratitude towards this amazing man. How had it been possible to feel any contempt for him? "Thank you," she said softly.

He let go of her hand, but he didn't stop looking into her eyes. "Don't let fear control you," he repeated, but his voice was softer, almost a request. "Don't shut everyone out."

She nodded. "I'll try," she whispered.

He smiled, lifted his hand and touched her cheek. "That's a girl," he said. Shivering at his touch, Kristy brought up her own hand and covered his with it, looking up at Clive. Intimacy coursed between them. Everything around Kristy started to disappear--her thoughts, her barriers, her uneasiness. All she could see were Clive's amazingly bright blue eyes, locked on her own, and the rest of the world faded away.

Clive could sense it, too. He leaned closer to her, and like last time, Kristy felt a flutter of panic. But she forced herself to push it away. She wanted to feel Clive's lips on her own, even more than she wanted to run from it.

He kissed her, gently at first, tentative, as if he were afraid Kristy were going to run at any minute. She didn't. He pulled away slightly, looked at her, as if asking. Kristy nodded, and he kissed her again. This wasn't like the Mickey Mouse kiss that they'd shared the night of their date. It was deeper, more passionate, full of pent-up longing. Clive's mouth hungrily explored hers and she responded with the same intensity. Kristy's heart was pounding so hard that she felt weak. When they pulled apart, Kristy was breathing heavily. But so was Clive, she noticed.

"Where's Sarah tonight?" he asked in a low whisper.

"Stacey's staying with her for awhile."

He kissed her. "Come home with me," he said simply. Kristy couldn't do anything but nod. It was as if she were under some kind of spell, unable to think for herself or consider anything outside the realm of Clive's kisses. Within minutes, she'd saved and closed her document, turned off the computer, and was following Clive out the door. In the elevator, she used Clive's cell phone to call her own apartment.

"Hey, Kristy, where are you?" Stacey asked when she answered. "Sarah was asking for you. She's asleep now."

"I, um, was working late," Kristy responded. "Listen, Stace, I know it's a huge favor to ask, but do you think you could stay there for a few more hours?"

"A few more hours? How much work do you have to do?"

"I'll explain when I see you," Kristy replied, a little edge to her voice. Luckily, Stacey caught on quick.

"Oh. Oh, sure," she said after a minute. "I get it. Don't worry, I brought my homework. I could use the quiet study time. Take your time."

"Thanks, Stacey. I'll talk to you later."

"Don't leave out any details," was Stacey's good-bye. Kristy hung up and handed Clive his phone back. By that time, they'd reached the first floor. Clive took Kristy's hand and they went outside. The temperature had dropped as evening fell, and Kristy shivered as they stepped out into the foggy night.

Clive wrapped an arm around her. "Winter's coming," he observed as he raised his hand for a cab.

"My favorite time of year," she responded.

They didn't talk much in the cab. Clive lived on Central Park West, about a twenty minute drive from Willow Books. When they got to his apartment, Kristy's eyes widened, impressed. The apartment was large, but it wasn't filled with sculptures or Oriental rugs like most rich people's apartments. It was tastefully decorated, and yet simple at the same time. A plain blue rug was on the living room floor. His couches were the same shade of blue, and a couple of paintings hung on the walls. But what impressed Kristy most was the view. Along the far side of the apartment, the wall was almost all windows, looking out over Central Park. The trees shimmered as they swayed in the breeze, and behind them, the buildings were lit up like a sea of twinkling blue lights.

"It's beautiful," Kristy breathed, crossing the apartment to gaze out the windows. Clive came up behind her and kissed her neck. "It's better than that flat in England," he agreed with a grin.

"I'll say."

He continued to drop kisses on her neck, causing her to shiver. Finally, she broke her gaze away from the window and turned towards him, and he took the opportunity to capture her mouth again with his own. For the next few moments, Kristy was caught up in him, and she barely noticed when they made their way from the living room and into his bedroom. "I didn't get to see the rest of your apartment," she said weakly.

"I'll give you the tour later," he replied. For a few minutes, they tried to catch their breath. Kristy had never felt anything like this before. She knew what was going to happen, and she was a little scared, but she wanted it, too. This wasn't like with Steven. With Steven, she'd been so nervous that she'd hardly taken the time out to feel. It had been very quick. But this--this was different. Kristy leaned towards him, taking the initiative to kiss him this time. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her down onto the bed, full of passion. "You're so beautiful," he whispered to her, brushing a loose lock of hair away from her face. She closed her eyes, surrendering.

A few hours later, they lay together on his large bed. Kristy stared up at the ceiling, which was covered in shadows cast from the trees outside. She had missed trees in New York. Unless you went to Central Park, you never saw trees. Kristy never made it to Central Park much. Now she realized that the shadows were comforting, as if a piece of Stoneybrook was sitting outside of Clive's apartment window.

Clive. Kristy turned her head slightly, looking over at him. He was staring at the ceiling as well. Kristy let out a sigh, replaying the last few hours' events in her head. Being with Clive was indescribable. So different from Steven . . . Clive was on a completely different plane than Steven. Like Kristy, Steven had been a virgin before prom night. But Clive was a man; experienced. He had once been married, and she was sure he'd been with other women since. He knew exactly what he was doing and how to do it. He could take her to the stars and back.

She turned onto her side and rested her head on her shoulder. Clive smiled slightly, picking up her hand and kissing her fingers. "I'm crazy about you, Kristy," he said, still staring up at the shadows. "I have been since I met you. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you."

She didn't reply; she just lay there, tracing lines on his chest with her fingers, listening to the beat of his heart. Clive smiled, dropped a kiss on top of her head, and lapsed again into silence.

She didn't get home until five in the morning. When she let herself into her apartment, it was dark and quiet, with only the early morning sounds of crickets coming in from the open windows. Kristy shivered and crossed the room, closing windows. She found Stacey lying on the couch, a trigonometry book open beside her. She was sound asleep. Her blonde hair was spread around her face and a small line of drool was near her lips. It was about as inelegant as Kristy had ever seen her.

She checked in on Sarah and then returned to the couch, shaking Stacey lightly. "Stace," she whispered. "Stacey, I'm home."

Stacey blinked and then did a double take, jerking awake when she saw Kristy. "Kris!" She sat up quickly, wiping her mouth and straightening her hair. "Jesus, what time is it?"

"About five."

"Five? Five in the morning?"

Kristy nodded.

Stacey shook her head, looking slightly amused. "I should have guessed it was late. Or early. I didn't conk out until about 2 am." She eyed Kristy. "So who's the guy?"

Kristy sat down on the couch, taking off her jacket. "Clive," she said.

"Clive? Clive Brighton? That British guy with amazing sex appeal?"

Kristy rolled her eyes. "Uh huh."

"I thought you said there wasn't any chemistry," Stacey remembered.

"Well . . ." Kristy shrugged. "Oh, Stacey, it happened so fast. I suppose it's been building up for awhile, but tonight. . .I'm scared and thrilled at the same time. Do you think I'm stupid?"

"Of course not," Stacey assured her. "You deserve love, Kristy."

"Love? Who said anything about love?" Kristy demanded. "Like, sure. Attraction, definitely."

"Your eyes said love," Stacey said simply.

Kristy sat back, her head spinning. She didn't know what to think. Tonight had happened incredibly fast. For a moment, Kristy let a sense of doubt seep into her mind. Maybe she shouldn't see Clive. Maybe it had been a mistake.

But then his words came back to her. Don't let fear control you. What did she want, really? The answer came so fast that it startled her. She wanted to be with him.

Then it's right, a voice inside her head told her. It's right.