Chapter Ten

After Halloween, some of the stores in New York City began putting out both Thanksgiving and Christmas decorations. Kristy could definitely feel the change in the air. She, personally, loved the "holiday" season, but she had always defined it a little differently than everyone else. In Kristy's mind, the holidays began the day after Halloween, and took up all of November, Thanksgiving, all of December, Christmas, and then ended the day after New Year's. So when she headed out into the city the Saturday after Halloween, there was a little bounce in her step.

How many holidays had she spent, organizing plays or parties, branching out to celebrate Hanukkah and Kwanzaa with her friends? Countless. Which made Kristy think of her book. She was planning to work on it all that day, but first she had to run some errands. She needed groceries and she would hunt around for some pre-Christmas bargains for Sarah. As she passed store windows filled with turkeys and Pilgrims, she thought of the format she'd write her book. She'd finished the introduction and the explanation of the Baby-sitters Club. The rest would purely be memories. She was planning to have three sections. The first section would be strictly business, and each chapter would be a different sitting job that she or one of the members had gone on. The second chapter would be mixing business with fun, and each of those chapters would include descriptions of parties, plays, activities, etc. And the third section would be called "Friends Forever" and would focus on her friendships in the BSC and how they'd all been brought together by a simple baby-sitting business.

A thought nagged at Kristy's mind. Would it be hypocritical to title the section "Friends Forever?" That implied that they were all still friends. Maybe they all were, but they weren't still friends with Kristy. Besides Stacey, Kristy hadn't spoken to any of them. Maybe they even hated her. But on the other hand, way back when the club was going strong, strong friendship had been their common theme. It seemed only fitting.

I'll use it anyway, Kristy decided.

She spent her morning shopping and returned to the apartment around noon. She'd called Emily over to watch Sarah. After all, Emily was still a nice girl, even if her aunt was a rude back-stabber.

When she got home, she found Emily and Sarah sitting on the couch. Sarah was listening attentively while Emily read a story to her. Kristy crept in quietly so as not to disturb either of them. She quietly locked the door behind her and set her bags down on the counter before creeping into the living room. There, she stood in the threshold, watching the scene in front of her.

"I felt as if I had been transported to another time," Emily read. "And in a way, I had been. The empty lot next door was no longer a lot, but rather it had been transformed into the most beautiful garden I had ever seen. Lillies, roses, sunflowers, and honeysuckle surrounded me. There were flagstone paths and small angel cherub fountains. And in the middle of it all sat a girl on a white wicker bench. Her honey-blonde curls fell over her face, hiding it, but her voice carried. It was as soft as a bell and just as sweet. She was talking to a small doll that she cradled in her arms as lovingly as if it were a real baby. I had to blink, for there was a part of me that knew this girl wasn't real. But was she a ghost, or just a figment of my imagination? Hesitatingly, I took a step towards her."

"That sounds like a pretty garden," Sarah commented. "I want one like it."

Emily smiled a patient smile. "I'm sure someday you'll have one, but right now, it's hard to have a garden in the city."

"Not if you go to the park," Sarah replied, and Kristy stifled a laugh. That was Sarah, precocious beyond her years and always with a reply to whatever anyone said. Often, Sarah reminded Kristy of little Gabbie Perkins, a girl the club used to sit for. Even though Gabbie had been two and a half, she'd been light years beyond other babies her age. She kept up a steady stream of chatter with all of her baby-sitters, tap danced and tried ballet like her older sister, and knew all the words to tons of songs. She'd had a beautiful voice, too. It had always been hard to believe that Gabbie had been the same age as babies like Marnie Barrett, who blew raspberries at her sitters and expressed happiness by scrunching her face into a small smile. Even though Sarah was only almost three, she was just so smart for her age.

Kristy decided to step in. "Hi, guys," she said brightly, stepping into the living room.

"Mommy!" Sarah jumped up and greeted Kristy with her usual enthusiasm. Emily closed the book and got to her feet. "Hi, Ms. Thomas," she said.

"Did everything go all right?" Kristy asked. With Sarah hanging onto her leg, she turned and opened her purse, looking for her wallet.

"Perfect," Emily replied. "Sarah was an angel as usual."

Kristy grinned down at Sarah and then pulled out her wallet. "I'm glad she's not any trouble, and I really appreciate your taking time out to watch her occasionally." She handed Emily her pay, and feeling generous, slipped in an extra tip.

"Wow, thanks, Ms. Thomas." Emily smiled, her eyes bright. "It's really no trouble. I love to baby-sit, but a lot of adults don't let me because they don't think I'm old enough."

"Not old enough?" Kristy studied Emily. It was true that she was only twelve, and even then, she looked young for her age. But that was no reason not to give the girl a chance. "Well, don't listen to that. When I was your age, not only did I baby-sit, but I had my own baby-sitting club."

Emily's eyes widened. "A baby-sitting club? How did you do that?"

"Well, a few of my friends and I decided to get together and run it like a business." Sarah was hanging onto her leg, so Kristy kind of limped over to the couch, where she sat down. Sarah hurried to sit beside her. "We would meet three times a week and parents would call during those times to schedule a sitter."

"Hey, that's a great idea. And you were my age when you did it?"

"Absolutely," Kristy answered. "In fact, a couple of my friends were even younger than you when they joined."

"Boy, I wish I could do something like that," Emily said wistfully. "Maybe then people around here would take me seriously."

"So why don't you?" Kristy asked practically. Her motto had always been, if it's not broke, break it, and then find a way to fix it. There was always a solution.

Emily shrugged. "My friends aren't interested in sitting. I wouldn't have anyone to be in a club with. My friends are all interested in stupid things like boys and make-up. They think I'm a baby for liking kids and stuff."

"Well, that's absolutely not true," Kristy assured her. "I think there's nothing more mature than choosing to be responsible for another human being, and in that case, being extremely responsible while on the job. Boys and make-up come and go, but responsibility is never immature."

Emily brightened. "Hey, thanks, Ms. Thomas. I never thought of it like that."

Kristy grinned. It made her feel really good to help Emily out. She wished that someone had told her those things when she was Emily's age. Maybe it would have saved her from making mistakes later. Maybe not. But for right now, the advice put a smile on the little girl's face, and that made Kristy feel warm inside.

"I think I might try to start a club anyway," Emily went on. "Maybe I can find some other kids who like to baby-sit."

"That's the spirit," Kristy agreed.

Emily was still smiling when she headed for the door. "Thanks a lot, Ms. Thomas," she called behind her. "See you soon!"

After she was gone, Kristy turned to Sarah and smiled, hugging her daughter close. "Did you eat lunch yet?"

"No. Can I have a peanut butter and jelly?"

"Sure."

Kristy set about making both of them lunch. She served Sarah's sandwich with animal crackers and apple juice, and then made herself a salad and a glass of champagne. While they ate, Sarah chattered about what was going on in daycare. Kristy listened attentively to tales about what girl had a new dress and which teacher was the nicest because she handed out sparkly stickers. After lunch, Sarah went to her table to color in her books. Kristy left the dishes in the sink, poured herself another drink, and sat down at the other end of the table, where she'd set up her laptop computer. Over the weekend, Clive had asked her to write another batch of rejection letters. Kristy would do that later. She opened up the document that her manuscript was in and for awhile read over the things she'd written so far. Then she sat back and chewed on her nails, insecurity washing over her. Maybe it was a dumb idea for a book. Would she get a rejection letter if she asked Clive to read it? Or would it be more personal and more hurtful? Maybe he'd look over it, kiss her on the forehead and tell her it was a nice try, meanwhile thinking to himself that a baby-sitting club was a dumb thing to write a book about.

Could she even give it to Clive? Maybe it would be a conflict of interest. Both because she worked at Willow Books, and also because she was dating Clive Brighton. Beyond that, if she submitted it and it got published, would everyone accuse her of taking advantage of their relationship? Would people whisper that Kristy Thomas only got a book published because she was sleeping with the managing editor?

Kristy closed her eyes and dropped her head to the table softly, taking a deep breath. She tried to push all the negative thoughts out of her mind. Write the book, she told herself. Worry about the details later. Just write it down.

She took another deep breath and lifted her head, keeping her eyes closed for another couple of moments for extra clarity. Then she opened them and her gaze rested on the computer screen. She took a swig of alcohol, feeling the warm liquid running down her throat, enjoying the bitter taste. She hadn't been drinking as much, if at all, since the day she'd gotten completely wasted and forgot about poor Sarah. She'd missed the warm comfort of alcohol.

Kristy straightened her shoulders and steeled her memories. Poising her fingers over the keypad, she began to type.

Nothing is perfect in the world of baby-sitting. But does that include. . .pet-sitting? Kristy grinned to herself as she recounted the details of her first ever job with the BSC: a mix-up that had caused Kristy to end up sitting for two huge dogs named Pinky and Buffy. Before long, she was on a roll. She wrote about the pet-sitting, baby-sitting for her little siblings when they were convinced that the mansion was haunted by an ancestral ghost, about starting a children's baseball team. She pulled the old BSC notebook from its place in her bedroom, dug through it, and recounted stories about skinned knees, adventures, jobs that had turned into mysteries, close bonds between sitter and sittee, disasters, miracles, close scares, reunions. By the time she looked up again, a few hours had passed and she'd written tons of pages of rough draft.

Kristy sat back, yawned and stretched, then realized that the apartment was strangely silent. Kristy looked over at Sarah's table and saw that Sarah had abandoned it. "Darn it," she muttered, getting to her feet. "Sarah?" she called, her voice echoing. "Where are you?"

There was no answer. Kristy's heart began to pound, but right away she realized that Sarah had to be there somewhere. The doors and windows were all locked. Still, there were plenty of things that a two-year-old, even one as smart as Sarah, could get into and get hurt by. Kristy rushed down the hall, calling Sarah's name.

"What, Mommy?" Sarah appeared seemingly out of nowhere. Kristy jumped, startled, when Sarah's head popped out of her doorway.

"Sarah!" Kristy scooped her up and held her close. "What were you doing?"

Sarah's eyes were wide. "I got bored with the coloring books so I wanted to play with my dollies," she answered.

Kristy let out her breath. "Okay," she said finally, putting Sarah back down. "I worry when I can't find you."

"I'm sorry." Sarah's eyes grew even wider.

Kristy rubbed her forehead. "It's not your fault," she assured her daughter. Just then the phone rang. "Go back and play," Kristy went on, smiling encouragingly. Sarah looked at her for another moment, then trotted back into her room. Kristy dashed down the hall and grabbed the phone. "Hello?"

A deep, accented voice answered her. "Hello there." Clive.

Kristy sank down into a chair and smiled. "Hi," she answered.

"What are your plans tonight?" Clive asked.

"Nothing. Why?"

"Keep your evening cleared and find a baby-sitter," Clive commanded. "I've got a surprise for you."

"A surprise? What is it?"

"If I told you, then it wouldn't be a surprise." She could practically see him smiling at his kid games. Kristy shook her head, half-annoyed and half-delighted. "I'll be by at seven to pick you up," Clive went on.

"Okay, okay."

After they hung up, Kristy chewed on a nail. Who could baby-sit? Not Emily. Kristy might be out late and besides, Emily had already baby-sat once that day. Stacey? No. Kristy called on Stacey far too often. But who else? Damn, could I use the BSC, Kristy thought, her mind still on her book.

After some scrambling, Kristy called Maria Snyder from work. Maria wasn't really a friend, but she had never stopped being pleasant to Kristy. Or at least, as pleasant as she ever was. When Kristy called her to ask her to stay with Sarah, Maria's first words were, "Out to get some booty, huh?"

"No. Jeez, thanks a lot," Kristy snapped defensively.

Maria just laughed. "Relax. Of course I'll watch Sarah. I love kids. They're so innocent."

"Thanks," Kristy said, letting out her breath. "Come over by seven." She gave Maria her address and then went down the hall to Sarah's room. "I'm going out tonight," she announced. "A fun girl named Maria will come over to stay with you."

To Kristy's surprise, Sarah burst into tears.

Kristy was by her side in an instant. "What's the matter?" she asked, alarmed.

"You're always leaving," Sarah sobbed. "Before you would put me to bed. I don't like when strange people put me to bed. I miss Mommy."

Kristy felt terrible. How come she had never stopped to consider what a sudden string of baby-sitters would do to her daughter? For the past few years, Sarah had known nothing but her mother being with her every day after daycare and every night when she went to bed. But since Kristy had befriended Stacey again and started seeing Clive, suddenly for Sarah it was her mom sometimes, and baby-sitters other times.

"Oh, sweetie, I'm sorry," Kristy cooed as Sarah continued to cry. "Don't you like Emily and Stacey?"

"Uh huh." Sarah took a gulp of air. "But they're not my mom."

"Do you really hate it when I leave?" Kristy asked her.

Sarah looked up at her and her blue eyes were even brighter than usual because they were filled with tears. She nodded. "I don't like when you leave. I don't like when you leave and don't come back."

"When I leave and don't come back?" Kristy was horrified. "What do you mean?"

"When you leave with Clive, I fall asleep with the baby-sitter and then you never come back. Do you like Clive better than you like me? Did I do something bad?"

Kristy's heart sank. "Oh, baby, of course not!" She hugged Sarah even more tightly and shook her head, feeling her own eyes water. "Of course not. I could never like or love anybody better than you."

"So stay with me," Sarah said stubbornly.

Kristy pushed back stray pieces of blonde hair from Sarah's damp face and looked her daughter in the eyes. Sarah came first, no matter what. "Okay," she murmured. "I'll stay with you. I promise."

A few minutes later, Sarah had stopped crying. Kristy stayed in her room with her and devoted herself to playing dolls for awhile. She devoted herself so immensely that she didn't realize how much time had passed until there was a knock at the door.

Maria or Clive. Damn. "I'll be right back," Kristy promised.

"Okay," Sarah agreed.

In the living room, Kristy found Maria at the door. "Maria, I'm sorry. Something came up and I didn't think to call you and cancel," Kristy explained in a rush. "I'm really sorry."

Maria was dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt and she was carrying a bag, probably full of toys and games. Kristy could see the corner of a teddy bear sticking out. "Oh," Maria said, raising her eyebrows. "Emergency?"

"Sort of," Kristy replied.

Maria shrugged. "Okay. Shit happens. Don't worry about it."

"I can still pay you for coming out," Kristy offered.

Maria shook her head. "Don't worry about it," she repeated. "I can always use the fresh air. I don't live very far."

Kristy felt bad, but she knew that Clive was probably only minutes away, and that thought made her feel even worse. "Let's have lunch together next week," Kristy said impulsively. "My treat, okay?"

Maria shrugged again. "Sure. I never pass up a free meal. See you next week."

Kristy said good-bye and watched her walk down the hall. Just as Maria disappeared into one of the elevators, Clive emerged from the other one. He looked as handsome as always, and when he spotted Kristy, his face broke into a smile. "I didn't expect a welcoming committee," he said when he reached her doorway. He bent over to kiss her.

Kristy didn't kiss back. Instead she just stepped aside to let him into the apartment.

Clive, of course, was very receptive and he knew immediately that something was wrong. "What is it?" he asked.

Kristy took a deep breath. "I can't go out with you tonight," she said.

"Why not?"

Kristy let out her breath. "I have a daughter," she said carefully. "I can't just keep dumping her on sitters while I go out with you. It's not fair. When I told her I would go out tonight, she burst into tears. She said I'm always leaving her and I never used to. She's right."

Clive was quiet for a few minutes. He had that thoughtful look on his face that he always got when Kristy talked. It was like he needed to absorb her words carefully before he could consider how to answer them. The sight of his piercing blue eyes caused a lump to form in her throat. She liked Clive. She liked him a lot. Maybe in time she could grow to love him, if she allowed herself to. But if she was going to have to choose between a relationship with a man and a relationship with her daughter . . . Kristy already knew how she'd have to choose. Even if it wasn't easy, it was crystal clear.

"I need to be with her," Kristy said softly. "I don't want to turn into a mother who doesn't know her daughter because she's off searching for a second chance at life and love."

"I understand," Clive said after a moment.

Was this it? Kristy gazed up at him, willing herself to think of a solution. A way to have the best of both worlds. Was it even possible? Not without hurting someone. And maybe it was terrible of her, but since she had to choose, she would choose to hurt Clive before she hurt her daughter.

"I understand and respect your decision," Clive said, as if he were reading her mind. He was gazing down at her, his eyes a blue cloud of regret.

"It doesn't mean that I don't--" Kristy began, but Clive shook his head, silently cutting her off.

"I know," he said, with a hint of a very sad smile.

Say you still want to try, Kristy silently urged him. But he just stood there, as if he were willing her to say the same thing. Try as she might, she couldn't force the words out. She didn't want to shut him out, as he'd asked her not to. But she didn't know how she could work around Sarah. Would Clive want to go to her every night? Never go out on dates, or try to be a father to Sarah when she wasn't his responsibility? He deserved more than that. He was such a wonderful man that Kristy knew he deserved more than she could offer. That was why she had to let him go before either got too attached.

I'll have to find a new job after this, Kristy thought detachedly.

"Maybe we can sort it out," Clive began. But Kristy's decision was made. She looked up at him and maybe something in her eyes gave it away, because he closed his mouth, not saying anymore. Kristy felt her vision go blurry with tears that threatened to spill over. They might have, if Sarah hadn't called out, "Mommy?" from her bedroom. It reminded Kristy that she had a job to do. She had someone who needed her, and she needed to be devoted to Sarah completely.

She cleared her throat. "Coming, sweetie," she called back. She looked back at Clive apologetically. He nodded, let out a small cough, and stepped towards the door. "Uh, here," he said awkwardly, reaching inside his jacket for a single rose. It was gorgeous, a mixture of pink, red, purple, orange and blue. Somehow, it looked natural. "This was for you," he went on, handing it to her.

Kristy took it silently, the tears threatening to spill more than ever.

He leaned over and gave her a gentle kiss on her cheek. His lips were as soft as a whisper. In a moment of pure passion, Kristy turned her head and pressed her lips hard against his. She kept them there for a moment or two and then pulled back, looking up into his eyes. He looked back at her for a few seconds, then turned towards the door. A minute later, he was gone.

Kristy wanted to dissolve into tears, but she was stronger than that. She reminded herself that she was an independent woman. She didn't need to shed any tears over a man. But the thoughts didn't convince her and the tears that had threatened to spill were now running down her cheeks.

"Mommy?" called Sarah again.

"Just a minute." Kristy wiped her eyes and turned to go into the kitchen. She filled a clear blue vase with water and put Clive's rose in it, displaying it on the counter. Soon its radiant colors would fade, the petals would turn brown and harden and eventually fall to the counter top like autumn leaves. But for now, it was beautiful.

The phone rang. Kristy wiped away the last of her tears and took a deep breath before answering. "Hello?'

"Kristy?" It was Stacey and she sounded desperate.

"Stace? What's the matter?"

Stacey paused for a moment, as if she were taking a deep breath. "I spoke to Mary Anne tonight," Stacey said finally, choosing her words carefully. "Her father had some bad news for her."

Kristy immediately forgot about her pain. Her radar went up. Something was seriously wrong. "What is it?" she whispered. She gripped the phone so hard that her hand went numb as she waited for Stacey's answer.

"Kristy, Watson had another heart attack."