Disclaimer: Characters belong to JK Rowling. "in flagrante" belongs to donotsrock, the "clocal kiss" to Ibex's Lyre, "Leave. I'm getting my birthday present." to Mystrana, and "Now, just...very strong case." to Thieving Gypsy (although slightly adapted). i hope they don't mind... i admire their work greatly (go look!) and imitation is the finest form of flattery.
Author's Note: i wrote this at dinner with one of my friends while drinking copious amounts of root beer. enough said.
Harry Potter and the Quest for the (Magical) Potatoes
(A spin-off of my fanfic, despite how redundant that sounds.)
"It happened at the breakfast table..." Harry began dramatically.
"Oh, no, did someone eat all the potatoes again?" interrupted Ron, panicking.
"Ron, no one eats potatoes at breakfast!" Hermione said exasperatedly.
"There aren't any potatoes?" Ron wailed.
Harry began to whine. "Why doesn't anyone listen to meeee? Is it because of my glasses? You're all jealous of me, aren't you? I knew it!"
"Harry!" shrieked Ron, grabbing Harry's arms and shaking him violently, "there aren't any potatoes! Save us!"
Hermione got up from her seat, with a large book in hand. "I'm going to the library." She announced, irritated. "Not that anyone's listening..."
"Alright!" began hurry, not having noticed Hermione's departure, or the exotic title of Hermione's book, being the unperceptive dolt that he was. "I'll save you, Ron! Now, where can one find potatoes?"
Five minutes later..."Where's Hermione?" asked Harry. "She'll know where to get potatoes."
Ginny's head popped up above the top of the couch that was sitting in front of the fireplace. "Herm's in the library."
Harry stood up, puffing out his chest. "I'm going to the library!" he proclaimed boldly, and left, leaving Ron behind in the common room.
In the library..."Now, where would Hermione be in the library?" Harry asked aloud to no one in particular. It was then that the restricted section caught his eye. "Oooh... restricted! Aw, bugger, I don't have my invisibility cloak. Wait! I'm an all-powerful wizard! I'll just concentrate on being invisible, and I'll become invisiblified!" Harry began to creep on his tiptoes towards the restricted section. Crabbe and Goyle were sitting at a table against the wall reading Goblin Feuds in the 13th Century, and Magical Properties of Blue-Horned Toad Skin, respectively. The looked up from their books to see Harry slinking past a shelf of books, and went back to their light reading. It wasn't like it was an abnormal occurrence or anything. Harry slinked around the corner of the bookshelf and froze right after his jaw dropped lower than humanly possible. He had just caught Snape and Hermione in flagrante delicto! Not that he knew what that meant or anything. Too stunned to move, his mind wandered. How in Merlin's name did Hermione know how to do that? They didn't write books on that, did they? (A/N: I said her book had an interesting title...)
About five minutes later, Harry recovered his wits (there weren't that many, after all,) and began to slink away backwards until he was as far away from the library as he could possibly be, since that was where the clocal kisses were taking place. But obviously, slinking backwards until you're as far away from the library as you can possibly be is a really stupid thing, because he fell down a flight of stairs while slinking backwards. Harry, being Harry, has never learnt from his mistakes, so he got up and began to slink away backwards until he was as far away from the library as he could possibly be. Or rather, he began to slink away backwards until he was as far away from the library as he could possibly be until he slinked away backwards until he was as far away from the library as he could possibly be into someone. The someone who Harry had slinked away backwards until he was as far away from the library as he could possibly be into slammed him into the cold, hard wall. Having recently fallen down a flight of stairs while slinking away backwards until he was as far away from the library as he could possibly be, it took Harry a minute before he realized that he was being snogged, and quite proficiently too. Not that he really had anything to compare it too, but he could just tell. 'Wait!' Harry thought. 'I'm saving my sexy, heroic self for a certain blonde haired bo... er, girl. Because my sexy, heroic self is so not gay.' Harry pushed the currently anonymous, but adept snogger away, opening his eyes. Wait, it was Draco (!) who was snogging him!
Before Harry could say anything, Draco spoke. "You're pushing me away? Are you chicken, Potter?"
"I am NOT gay!" Harry exclaimed, yelling loud enough that the giant squid could probably hear him.
"Of course not!" replied Draco calmly. "You're just homosexual!"
"Oh, okay!" Harry replied happily, and began snogging Draco again.
Back to the common room...Ron couldn't wait any longer. He needed his potatoes! His creamy, mashed, salted and peppered potatoes... "Ginny!" he yelled. Hearing no reply, he got up and walked over to the couch where he had seen Ginny earlier. "Ginny! What in bloody hell are you doing!"
Ginny looked up, not a guilty spot on her freckled face. "Just making out with Blaise." She replied nonchalantly.
"Oh, okay." Ron said, sitting back down in his chair.
Five minutes later..."You're snogging Blaise!?" Ron exclaimed, jumping up from his seat.
"I'm getting my birthday present. Leave." Came the muffled reply. Ron, never being too bright, walked over to the couch. Now, just because someone sees, you know, two half naked people on a couch together, it doesn't necessarily prove that sex was involved. It does, however, make for a very strong case. So Ron, being Ron, decided to faint.
Yet another five minutes later..."You're snogging Blaise!?" Ron exclaimed, jumping up from where he had been lying on the floor. Blaise fumbled for his wand. (No, not that one. That one was already busy.) Finding in underneath his cloak, he aimed it behind the couch, transfiguring whatever had been there into a plate of mashed potatoes. The whatever that had been standing there was Neville, but no one really cared. After all, it was Neville. Still, Colin whipped out his camera and took a few shots to remember everything by. It wasn't every day that the whole of Hogwarts got written into the most absurd and idiotic spoof ever written.
Noticing Ron's plate of mashed potatoes, he exclaimed, "It's white and gloopy!" And that, as they say, was that.