NB: I've decided not to include Abby or Shannon as I don't 'know' them as well as the original members of the BSC.

NB 2: This chapter is much darker than the others- if something doesn't seem right, it's probably not explored enough- I just wanted to skim the surface of Mallory's life. I hope this doesn't offend anyone- this is how Mal went off the rails.

Mallory Pike collapsed on her bed, and wished she wasn't feeling so sick. Life on the town had one downside- the feeling the next morning. She looked around her room, a dump, littered with clothes, cosmetics and CDs. She was glad her parents hadn't seen this place- they would freak, and immediately take her back to Stoneybrook. She lived with three other girls in an apartment on Boston's seedier side, and she sometimes wished she wasn't. She hadn't had a job in three years, and her college education (which she had completed in six years) was worth nothing when she had no experience. She did casual work sometimes, but still lived off the money her parents generously gave her- she knew it was their way of keeping an eye on her.

Her life, in essence, was pretty bad- she went out almost every night, slept in most mornings, and she had done some drugs on and off for the past seven years. Some strange psychiatrist her parents had made her go see when she was 20 said she was suffering from severe depression, which stemmed from a breakdown she had had when she was 18...just after the incident.

"You've always been a worrier, haven't you Mallory? That's what made you withdraw from Jessi and your other friends, isn't it?," the doctor gently probed, which made Mal even angrier and frightened that he was so close to the truth.

"NO! I just want to be my own person, and I don't need to answer to anyone!"

She lay back on her bed and stared at the ceiling- how right the psychiatrist had been. She had been depressed for years and, once the BSC had left, she had snapped. She didn't want to see anyone- and Jessi especially reminded her of the BSC. Of course, her hormones hadn't helped things at all, and once she had fallen in with that bad crowd, her life had spiralled out of control.........

Sometimes she wished she was still 17 and innocent...still friends with Jessi and the Babysitter's Club. It was amazing and frightening to think that she was 28- she had done some terrible things, and had been through so much since she was an eleven-year-old girl who had only dreamed of writing, horses and babysitting.........

She was the oldest of eight, and often found it difficult to do anything that didn't involve one of her numerous brothers or sisters. Although she took care not to show it when she was around them, but deep down she was very resentful of them and the demands they placed on her parents and, to an extent, her. She also resented her parents- although she was 11, and babysitting full time (except at nights), they still insisted on treating like a baby. She complained to Jessi, but Jessi didn't understand- her parents were beginning to treat her like an adult, and she rarely had any fights with them. Thus, she resented Jessi for her perfect existence and family- even the fact that she was better at dancing and History angered her. By the time she was thirteen, the other BSC members fifteen, her resentment was beginning to eat away at her, and she began to worry about things. She also gave up writing- she still wanted to be a writer, but she seemed to have a permanent writer's block and, in an unusual burst of fury, burnt most of her half completed novels, poems and drawings. Vanessa, in the room at the time, was distraught and shocked.

"Why did you do that? You were such a talented writer, and you could have used all your work in a portfolio?"

"Leave me alone," Mallory snarled, partly grief-stricken at the loss of her work, and Vanessa ran out of the room in tears. The rest of the family had noticed her moods, and it was slowly poisoning the normally happy atmosphere.

"Mal, what is wrong with you? You yelled at Van, burnt your work and your grades are slipping. Is there something wrong?," her mother took her aside and asked her. Mal glowered at her

"No, there's nothing wrong. I just wish everyone would get off my back." Jessi was almost as bad, and she began avoiding her to stop the 'what's wrong with you?' routine. Sometimes, she reflected, she acted as though she was her mother- and Mal was three months older. She still went to Babysitter's Club meetings, although she sometimes forgot- she didn't know why, but she was really angry at the world and everyone in it. She dyed her hair black when she was fifteen, and dreaded the fact that the BSC members were leaving.

"I don't want to do it if they're not here. Let's split up," Mal suggested to Jessi one day as they walked home from a meeting.

"I don't know...maybe it would be fun to do it ourselves, and hire some helpers. Becca, and your sisters would adore being in the club."

"NO WAY. I don't want to do it anymore." She had sounded so fierce and angry that Jessi dropped the subject. Around the same time, she began flirting with Brian, one of the 'bad boys' at school. He was gorgeous- blonde hair, blue eyes, mysterious, always wearing black outfits and, better yet, he drove a motorbike.

"What's up gorgeous?," Brian said casually coming up behind her as she was putting her books away and reaching for her cigarettes. She looked up at him and almost swooned.

"Nothing much- just going to have a smoke," she waved her lighter.

"Cool, can some of my friends come too?"

"Sure." His friends turned out be 3 other boys she recognized from maths class, and three girls that most of the school talked about. However, as they talked and smoked, she discovered that they weren't as bad as everyone said they were.

"What took you so long to discover smokes?," Cindy asked as they walked back into class. Mal shrugged

"Too busy trying to be the perfect girl- what a joke." After that, she was accepted as 'one of the gang' and hung out with them all the time.

Jessi managed to catch up to her one day as she was sneaking out for a smoke

"What is wrong with you Mal? You've been so weird for the past six months!" Jessi asked, looking concerned. For a moment, Mal felt ashamed of the way she had treated her but, luckily, her sunglasses hid her feelings.

"You know Jess, I don't think we've ever really had anything in common except the BSC. These guys are cool, and opening my eyes to new experiences. I'm sorry if you feel differently, but that's the way it is." Just then Brian cruised past

"Come on Mal- why are you talking to that black chick? She should stick to her own kind! Lets go have a smoke." For a moment, she saw anger in Jessi's eyes, but was quickly replaced by sympathy. She laughed

"No, she was just apologizing to me for bumping into me. Thanks kid," and she walked away. For her, the friendship was over. The next two years passed by in a blur of smoking, parties, fights with her family and drugs. Brian introduced her to cocaine, and the sky was the limit after that. By the night of the prom, she was heavily reliant on drugs, and Brian.

"You look great Mal- let's go outside and have a smoke," Brian said casually, slinging an arm around her shoulders. Although she knew she shouldn't go outside, she giggled and followed him. Brian was one of her best friends- she had long since forgotten her feelings for him. Outside, he lit two cigarettes and handed one to her.

"You look beautiful tonight Mal," he said quietly, looking her over.

"Really? I hadn't wanted to get dressed up, but my mother insisted," she said, and then stopped. She didn't want Brian to think she was still influenced by her parents. He just laughed, then leaned towards her and kissed her neck. She was still tipsy from the champagne they had snuck in, but she was feeling a little uncomfortable now.

"Brian..."she murmured, wanting to pull away.

"Don't worry baby, I'm going to be real gentle." The more he kissed her, and began pawing at her clothes, the more uncomfortable she felt. She tried to push away but he pushed her against the wall.

"Don't struggle Mal- you've wanted this ever since you flirted with me," he laughed cruelly as he tore her dress off her and.... she closed her eyes....

She woke up with a start- she thought she was still in that time...she was back in the present, in her dingy little apartment, no job but plenty of guarantees of getting high and drunk that night. However, she was surprised to feel tears on her cheeks- she'd been crying. Tessa, one of her roommates, popped her head into the room

"Are you okay Mal? I heard you screaming?" Mal wiped the tears away and smiled brightly.

"I'm fine- just a nightmare of having to stay in one night." Tessa laughed

"Too right sister- that's a nightmare." As she drifted off, Mal allowed herself to go back to the day after.... the day after...the day after Brian raped her.

"Mal? What's wrong?" her mother asked with concern as she shuffled into the kitchen for breakfast. Luckily, all her other annoying siblings had gone to sport or babysitting.

"Someone had a late night last night," her father teased from behind his paper. "Oh, to be young again and at the prom..."

"I'm fine Mom," Mal said quietly, reaching for a piece of toast. Luckily school was almost finished- she couldn't bear to look Brian in the eyes any more. She still hung out with them, but she didn't want to see Brian again after graduation. She saw Jessi and her parents staring across the room at her at graduation, but she pretended not to see them. She had been accepted into college in Boston, and she left Stoneybrook almost immediately- the less time she spent in Stoneybrook the better.

Her college years were a messy blur of drinking, boyfriends and drugs. She came close to being kicked out several times, but she managed to keep hanging on. She felt so empty most of the time, and had been like that since the infamous night of the prom. In her more coherent moments, she wondered if the rape had affected her emotionally and mentally, and now she was trying to hide the pain. She tried overdosing on sleeping pills when she was 20 but, luckily (or unfortunately- she could never figure which was better) one of her roommates found her and she had her stomach pumped.

"Oh Mal, how could you keep that from us?," her mother blew her nose after she told them about the rape. Her parents had practically flown to Boston when they had heard the news. Mal just shrugged

"I don't know- I just don't feel like I fit in with the family anymore. Van's the brains, the twins are the comedians, Nicky is the serious one and Margo and Claire are still babies," she began to cry and her mother gave her a long hug.

"Mallory Pike, don't ever think that- you are loved very much by your father and I, and your sisters and brothers. Why, Van wanted to come down with us- she worships you Mal. You are gifted in your own way- and don't ever think that you don't belong in the family." They sent her to a psychiatrist, who diagnosed depression, which had stemmed from the rape when she was seventeen. Mal had felt better when that had happened and, for a while, she had been on the road to recovery. She even began writing a little again. However, after she graduated from college, the depression overtook her again and she began to find means of dulling the pain- such as alcohol and drugs.

She had been spiralling out of control for 5 years, and she was beginning to wonder if she hadn't lost her soul when 'that event' had happened. She could barely even think about it still, and it was over ten years ago. One night, she was out on the town when she met someone who was vaguely familiar.

"Hi Mallory- it's Quint. Jessi's boyfriend," he said, pulling her into a hug. Mal shuddered, she couldn't bear anyone touching her. She smiled, and pulled away- looking into his eyes, she knew he was drunk.

"Good to see you again," she said politely and tried to pull away, but he pulled her back into his arms. She had felt a feeling of dread wash over her- it was happening again.

"C'mon Mal- don't you want to know what I've been up to?," he smiled drunkenly at her, and she sighed. Perhaps she deserved this after what she had done to Jessi in high school. Perhaps she was only a toy to men to be used and abused.

She sighed, and sat up on her bed- that had been six months ago and she was still hurting. It was hard to believe that she had dreams beyond having men use her, using drugs and getting drunk all the time. She wanted so much more with her life...she heard her mobile beep behind her and she saw an unfamiliar message.

HI IT'S MARY ANNE. GOT YOUR NUMBER FROM YOUR FOLKS. BABYSITTER'S MEETING FOR AUGUST 7TH AT 5:00PM AT CLAUDS. WE HAVE SOME SERIOUS BUSINESS TO TALK ABOUT.

Perhaps that's what she needed- to get back to Stoneybrook and exorcise all the demons that had been plaguing her for the past ten years. She was going to go.