What It Means To Love You

Chapter 1: What It Means To Love You

Summary:

Kaoru has been in love with Kenshin ever since they were children. But he's never returned her feelings. Especially now that he has Tomoe. What is left for Kaoru?

Standard disclaimers apply.

-X-

(Kaoru's POV)

There you are. You're standing alone by the streetlight, hands in pockets and messy red bangs grazing your eyes lightly.

You're so beautiful; do you know that?

My whole body fills with a strange, almost painful feeling just looking at you. Beloved, do you know what you're doing to me? You are the only boy I know who makes me feel this way. And yet, do I do the same for you? Does the mere sight of me fill you with such happiness that it seems more than you can bear, like the way you do to me?

I shake my head, clearing my thoughts.

I am on the other side of the road, waiting for the light to turn red so I can cross and get to you. The cars whiz by me in colorful blurs but I can only look at you.

Finally, the streetlight turns red and the cars stop, letting the other lane have its turn. I lift my hand and wave wildly, trying to get your attention as I walk to your side.

Finally, you spot me crossing the road. A smile appears on your dear face, lighting your amethyst eyes. I feel my heart skip a beat and then some. I smile broadly back.

But wait. Your smile isn't so very wide and lonesomeness emanates from you. Why is that so? You seem so lonely, as if you think no one cares for you. I'm here, Kenshin. Always have and always will. Please notice that. Even when the world condemns you, I will always be by your side.

I reach your side and smile again.

"Konnichiwa, Kaoru-dono," you greet warmly, your eyes shining with the love of friendship.

I whisper, "Konnichiwa, Kenshin."

You're my love, my inspiration, my tormentor, my darling…and yes, my best friend. And what do you see when you look at me, Kenshin?

Am I the childish tomboy who gets herself into trouble always?

Am I the naïve little schoolgirl with a crush?

Or do you see me as your best friend, little sister, and confidant?

I'll never know the answer to these questions. I can ask, yes. But I'm too afraid. Huh. Afraid. Me. That's funny. I'm the one who fearlessly jumps into fights, boldly answer to the teachers and stand up against the bullies, seemingly fearless. But I cannot ask you a simple question. A query that may make or break me. When it comes right down to it, I am afraid of losing you more than anyone else. And being rejected is even worst.

Tell me please, I'm secretly dying here.

"Where are you going, Kaoru-dono?" you ask politely, tone curious but not prying.

I inwardly sigh. We have been best friends since we were five and yet you still refer to me as 'Kaoru-dono' as if I am just a friendly acquaintance, no more. Can't you just call me by my name without any honorific? Can't you at least give me that? If you cannot love me, then please, just say my name once and I will pretend to be contented.

You push back your long bangs but they tumble back stubbornly and my fingers itch to touch them, let their silky texture pass through my fingers. Your beautiful amethyst eyes are looking at me expectantly and I wonder how they will look when they are full of love for me.

I clench my hands and hide them behind my back so you won't notice. My heart wrenches in suffering and my throat tightens.

Because of you, I have become so emotional. I cannot think straight when I am near you and when you are away you're all that I think about. I sometimes cry myself to sleep and wake up in the same state. When this happens, I know I have been dreaming of you and the dreams ended with no happily ever after for me.

Because of you, I have fallen in love with my best friend and my feelings are one-sided. If there is a heaven and hell on earth, I am in it now.

Because of you, my grades are slipping and I cannot sleep. But I don't care. All I care now is how you truly care. You did that to me to. You made me now care about anything else but you. Or maybe I do it to myself.

"Just walking," I finally reply, looking down on the floor. I saw his sneakers. They were the one I gave him for Christmas last year. My eyes travel upwards and I see the pretty bead bracelet around your wrist. I did not give you that. There are letters on some of the beads and they form a word.

I squint my eyes to make out the words. T…O…M…O…E…

Tomoe.

She gave that to you. Her. An incredible surge of bitter jealous washes over me and I nearly tumble into it, getting lost forever. I close my eyes, allowing only the jealousy and keeping the pain from entering my system.

"I h-have to go." I wince at the cracking of my voice and I quickly turn around.

I am about to walk away, ashamed of losing control in front of you and making you suspicious, when you grasp my wrist, holding me back. I don't turn to look at you, biting my lower lip and blinking furiously.

God, I can't keep acting like this.

Your voice is worried. "Kaoru-dono, what is wrong? Are you all right?"

I swallow the lump in my throat. My voice is strained when I say, "I'm f-fine, Kenshin. P-Please let my wrist go. I have to leave."

I could feel your reluctance. Finally, you let my wrist go and my secret hope that you would not evaporates in the hollow of my broken heart.

"Well, if you need someone to talk to, I'll be at Tomoe's," you inform me with brotherly concern.

So, you are going to her home. Tears prickle in my eyes and I quickly walk away, not bothering to say goodbye. I turn at the corner and I catch a swift glance of you. You are looking at me with confusion and concern then I couldn't see you anymore. I stop walking and lean against a brick wall.

My breathing is shallow but not because of weariness. My heart is hurting and the tears are now falling freely down my face. My bangs cover my face in shadows and I am shivering. My head and heart and soul are swimming in misery and I cannot control myself.

I only wish you won't try to follow me and see me in this pathetic state.

Ever since the day I fell in love with you, all I've known is torment and pain and misery with only the most fleeting moment of happiness.

So this is what it means to love you.