What It Means To Love You

Chapter 4: An End To Us

Standard disclaimers apply.

-X-

(Tomoe's POV)

My parents are out for the night. But that's not surprising since they are always not home. But I don't care. In fact, I find it kind of relaxing to be home alone, giving me time to think.

The television blares softly in the dark living, casting luminescent shadows all over the place. I like the dark, when it cloaks me protectively from prying eyes. I watch the characters on the screen run towards one another and indulge in a passionate kiss.

I roll my eyes at the drama and flip to another channel, pausing when I chance upon Disney Channel. Usually, I do not watch these kind of shows but it was either this or the 'icky' romantic movie.

So 'Tuck Everlasting' it is.

And I find myself enthralled by the movie, by the morals and lessons and heartbreaking and hopeless love between the characters. Even though I don't find myself within the characters, I find that I sympathize with them, for the bleakness of their situation. What would it feel like to live forever?

The ending came as no surprise to me. The girl didn't drink from the 'spring of youth' and dies a few years before Tuck comes back and sees her grave by the spring.

But if I were in a scenario like that, would I resist the lure of immortality to live a life without the man I love?

Then I shake my head, scattering the silly thoughts that suddenly surface. How ridiculous of me to suddenly think of such things! What a fancy, living forever with Kenshin. Maybe I am another helpless romantic at heart, pretending to be the grave and seldom smiling girl I am.

The credits roll and I turn of the TV, casting the living room into more darkness. The house is eerily silent and deathly dark while the other homes shine with their electric bulbs and whirl with the sounds of the radio and TV. But I am comfortably sitting on my sofa, allowing my hair to stream down and wearing a pair of drawstring jogging pants and a loose shirt.

Only in my house, alone for the night, can I truly relax and unwind.

Then a frantic knock snaps me out from my relaxation.

Who on earth could that be?

I warily push away the sofa pillow I am hugging and climb to my feet, walking towards the front door. I look through the little hole on the door and see a head of red hair outside. I sigh; I can't really say I am glad to see you tonight and I can't really say I want to shoo him away.

"Tomoe?" you call from the other side of the door and I quickly unlock the door and pull it open.

You give me a hesitant smile; let your eyes run over my frame before entering. I close the door behind you and turn around. I notice that you seem to radiate tension and a deep, piercing gloom. Your amethyst eyes are shadowy and grave, not to mention very exhausted.

"Are you all right?" I ask you, placing a hand on your scarred cheek.

I would never do this in front of people but when we are alone, it's lovely intimacy. And you seem so troubled by something, soul-deep unhappiness.

You give in to my touch and let out a strained breath. "Not really. It's just…I have to tell you something, Tomoe. But you must not freak out." You pin me with your stare and I feel my heart skip a beat. Something is terribly wrong, isn't it? And it involves you, and me and everyone else.

I feel the urge retort that I never freak out but I don't do it. You seem too agitated for my sarcasm.

I lead you to the dark but cool living room and we sit down on the sofa. Your shoulders hunch down in seeming defeat and your mouth is set in a straight, agitated line. And your hands are clenched into fists, lying on your lap.

"Kenshin? What is wrong?"

You close your eyes for long moments and then open them again and you turn to face me directly. The deep pain and mistiness in your eyes shocks me and I unconsciously take one of your fists in my hands, soothingly rubbing it.

"Tomoe…I…" you swallow thickly, your jaw clenching and unclenching. Why not just tell me? Please tell me what's bothering you and maybe I can help. I may not show it much but it pains me to see you in such a state.

I…I love you and you can trust me.

But I remain silent.

"I don't know how to tell you this…this is probably the hardest thing I have to do," you start haltingly, taking your eyes away from my gaze and fixing it on our adjoined hands. "But I have to. And the decision has been made already."

I frown, eyebrows snapping together over mystified eyes. "What? Kenshin, you are not making any sense. What decision?" A sudden horrible thought invades my mind and I gape at him, dismay dawning on my face. "A-Are you breaking up with me…?"

You take your time in answering and fear pumps at my heart. I let go of your hand and draw farther into the sofa, away from you. Then you are breaking up with me but oh why? Why? We are so happy! Is it because of…?

"Kaoru," I say, thanking whoever was in Heaven that my voice didn't waver but held a calm bitterness. "Is it because of her?"

"No, it's not because of Kaoru-dono. Never. I love you Tomoe and she's my best friend…"

I grind my teeth in impatience as you pause again. "Then what is it? Is it because of me? How can you say you love me when you're dumping me?"

You flinch and look at me, your face tormented. "Tomoe, we're not exactly breaking up but in a way we are. My…my dad got promoted a few days ago…and, well, there's a bit of a compromise."

I level my gaze at him, mouth dry. "What kind of compromise?"

A sick feeling rises up in my throat but I hold it down, composing my self to accept the worse. Anger and apprehension surge through me and I grip the fabric of my shirt.

Your lips twist in a grimace and in the hazy darkness I see your eyes glittering with tears.

"If my dad accepts his promotion…he, he will be transferred to Canada, in their branch there," you finally confess, flinching as you say it. Your voice never quivers but it is hoarse and infinitely sad. "And he left the decision up to me. If I decided for him to accept they our family goes to…Canada and if I decided for him not to accept then we stay here and dad has to put up with his bastard boss."

I am speechless. For a full second, I cannot say anything.

Then I find my voice and I say mutedly, "But you are staying, aren't you? It is your decision and you can't leave…leave for America!"

Life without you is suddenly all too possible and unbearable.

"Tomoe, I've made my decision this afternoon," you inform me unsteadily, voice rough and painful. "I was with Kaoru-dono and we talked. Talked about the past memories, moments and I realized…I told my dad to accept the promotion. It's for the best. Yes, for the best." But who are you trying to convince, yourself or me?

"You didn't talk this over with me? But why?" I could not grasp it. You already said it but still. You're really leaving. You've told your father to accept the promotion and you'll soon migrate away; far, far away from me.

But why?

You lick your dry lips and press the heel of your hand to your eyes, rubbing them furiously. "Tomoe, you have to understand. This is my family we are talking about. I just can't let my parents down. They've sacrificed too much for me…and my dad deserves this much." You look at me with your pleading wet eyes and my chest aches. "Please don't turn away. I need your support right now."

I see the beseechingness of your eyes and the misery radiating from you and I push away the pain building in me for the moment to comfort you. Yes, I understand. Even if we have different families, your parents always there and loving you while mine is never around and could care less for me, I still understand. But it will take time to accept this.

You reach for me and I fall into your hug, our arms wrapping around each other so tightly, afraid to let go. And to my utter embarrassment, tears fill my eyes and I clench them shut, willing them to back off. But they don't listen and spill over, trailing down my cheeks. My lips quiver and my chest is aching with a foreign feeling of abandonment and extreme sorrow.

So, this is how it feels to lose the one you love the most. This is how Kaoru feels. But then again, I am only losing you in a physical, tangible sense. You will only be thousands of miles away from me physically but in heart and mind and soul, we'll still be together. As long as we love each other.

And here lies my fear.

What if…what if…you fall in love with another while we are so far apart? The saying 'out of sight, out of mind' chills my blood and increases the flow of my tears. Please don't…

I realize you are sobbing as well, like me, only soundlessly. Our hearts beat together with a dull ache and I bite my lower lip to keep from crying out my fear, my pain.

No, I tell myself sternly. If you really trust Kenshin and his love for you, you will not think these stupid thoughts. And if you love him as much as you tell yourself, you will trust in him and always be his.

After long minutes, we finally pull apart. I hastily wipe my face from tears, sniffling quietly. My skin is clammy and pale and my eyes, as I feel, are puffy and red from crying. I look at you and give a teary chuckle to see that you look the same. All puffy and red-eyed.

Then you breath out, "Can I use your phone? I have to tell the others." And your voice is strained as you think about how to break it your best friends that you will be leaving forever and may never see each other again.

I harden my heart and nod. This is going to be a long, emotional night.

-X-

A/N: Thanks to those who reviewed. I have nothing against Kaoru/Kenshin because it's my favorite couple in RK. I don't even like Tomoe but I just tolerate her. And oh, I have no idea why my computer sucks right now but sorry if the format isn't exactly up to par!

Please keep on reading and reviewing and helpful comments will be appreciated much!