Confused

by frozenfemale

I love the time when it’d be just the two of us and there were no others trying to grab your attention away. I loved the moments we shared that was just about us. No fans… no mates… no one else and nothing else to take your attention away. But… th

A/N: You know… although all the while I've mentioned that I don't like my stories, there has always been a sense of accomplishment and pride after I'm done with it. No matter how much I don't like it, there's that sense. But… for this story, I can not say that I have a sense of pride after I'm done. I may have a sense of accomplishment, but I don't have a sense of pride. For some reason, I close to dislike this story. I dunno how it's so bad, and I'm sorry. Maybe it's coz I've done too many angst. I just had a writer's block even though this is only a one-shot. After like five hours sitting in front of the computer, this is finally done. And… I'm sorry that it's so bad… read on though. Thanks.

BTW, the uploading and all seems to be different from the last time I used to upload. I'm not exactly sure how it works anymore. Anyhow, the ones that are in italics are the OC's thoughts. The ones in bold and italics are also the OC's thoughts. I dunno... sometimes people talk to themselves, right? There is one part where it's only in bold... that's a flashback. It's kinda messy. And the characters are kinda OOC. I'm sorry. And the "Shift 8" doesn't seem to work so I can't put the star sign. I dunno...

This is dedicated to Natalie. I'm sorry that it sucks so bad, Natalie… Why I dedicated this to you? Erm… I dunno… go figure.

Title: Confused

Thud Thud Thud

Thud Thud Thud

Swish

The shot was perfect. Muffled, as if they came from a far way off, I heard the cheers of his fan girls.

They believe that you are perfect. That's why they love you so, don't they? You are the perfect hot popular guy, and that just melts their hearts. But… you are not perfect, and I know that well enough.

He picked the ball up.

So then, why do I love you? What makes me love you if you aren't perfect? It can't be because you are popular, nor because you are the "craze" at this point of time. That won't attract me. I'm basically not that type. In fact, I am not the type to really love a guy at this point of time. I'm that kind of boring, geeky girl whom mothers would love… at least I think I am.

He dribbled pass an imaginary opponent.

Then why…?

He performed a perfect three-pointer. His fans cheered again. I merely watched, leaning against the wall of our school gym with my hands folded across my chest. A peek at my watch aroused me to a standing position though.

8:02 p.m.

'Kaede…'

He was trying for a lay up now.

'Kaede…' I called a little louder.

The ball passed through the net. He ran to pick it.

'Kaede,' I called again, ignoring the hisses from his fans. He heard. He turned.

'It's… late.'

His eyes moved to the clock.

'Oh…'

You don't want to go… do you?

There was a short pause between us.

Why do I always seem to be disturbing you? Why… is it that I seem to irritate the person that means most to me? Why?

I sighed softly.

'Erm... so I'll go first, ok?'

It'd be so nice if you'd come with me… I love the time when it'd be just the two of us and there were no others trying to grab your attention away. I loved the moments we shared that was just about us. No fans… no mates… no one else and nothing else to take your attention away. But… that always seems to burden you. I always seem to burden you.

'Alone?' He asked.

I nodded.

'I need to go. I shouldn't be out of the house after 8:30 without my parents' knowledge. I'll be ok. Don't worry.' I continued, picking my bag.

His eyes moved back to the clock, then out of the window.

'Give me a minute. I'll come with you.'

'It's ok. I can walk myself. I used to do that before…'

He gave me a queer look, threw me the ball and stepped into the changing room.

'No, really. It's save. I can walk by myself. Don't worry.'

He didn't answer. I had no choice but to wait.

You've changed so much ever since you came back from the Inter High. Some peoples said it was for the better, some were so irritated that you actually changed. It was definitely better for me though. I mean… it was kind of hard for me to continue being there when you hardly said anything to me. I didn't even know if you hated me. You never replied. I guess… no matter what I said, I guess that it did hurt me.

But… it hurts more now, doesn't it?

I blinked. I didn't have the time to think about it though… and for that I was grateful. I heard his footsteps making their way out of the changing room.

'You don't have to. I can walk home myse-'

But he wasn't listening. Taking the ball from my hand, he searched around for his bag. He found it, picked it up, and pulled me out of the gym. I complied. The wind swirled around me, and I shivered.

'Cold?'

I nodded.

'A little.'

He handed me his sweater. I hesitated.

'Take it. I'm not cold.'

After a moment's thought I took it. I always liked his sweater anyway. It made me feel as if I was snuggled at home, tucked in bed.

The night was so serene and beautiful. We hardly said anything to break that serenity. But… I was okay with this for he seemed okay. It's funny how my mood gets affected by his. Right now… all that I feel is… joy. I don't know. It's just the feeling that he leaves me with. He is the only one who could leave me with such ambiguous feelings.

'Why are you so late?' Was the question that my brother greeted me with.

'Sorry…' My eyes darted to my watch. 8:25. Okay, to be fair, it was late. But… to be fair, he didn't exactly approve of me relationship with Rukawa either. That made me confused. Unlike some others, what he thought mattered a lot to me. I mean he is my brother, and I don't want to do something that is against his take and view on things… but I had my own view of things, didn't I?

At least he doesn't come right out and tell me that he doesn't like it. That gives me more time to think.

He wanted to pursue the subject further. I could see it. Yet, his next question was, 'Are you staying up to study?'

'Yeah. You?'

'I've got no choice. Ah… good, you can help me make Maggie Mee… and make coffee also.'

'Come on! It's just pouring hot water!!!! You can do that yourself!!'

'Shhhh! Can't you see I'm studying?'

I moaned.

'Ah, the agony of having such a brother,' I managed before a smile conquered my somber face.

I have a great life, don't I?… Don't I?

'Hello?'

'Hello. May I speak to Rukawa Kaede please?'

'Just a moment.'

A moment in the Rukawa's household usually meant quite a long time. Apprehension started seeping into me. I didn't understand why I felt that way. I mean… it felt so dumb. As I was trying to sort my feelings out, I heard someone picking up the phone. I waited for him to greet me, but he didn't say anything.

Uh oh, this feels bad. Apprehension level on "high increase". Die…

'Um… Kaede?'

'Hn…'

'Sorry… I don't mean to disturb you so early. Really sorry.'

No reply.

'But I just needed to know if you took my English Literature book. I can't find it anywhere.'

'Hn…'

'Erm… please check for me ok? Thanks a lot.'

Silence on the other end.

'I'm really sorry… I didn't mean to disturb. Sorry… and thanks.'

'No prob.'

Finally… thank God for small favours.

But… I still felt really bad… really funny.

'Bye then.'

'Yeah.'

I put the phone down. Slowly, I walked over to my bed and lay myself down. I was too messy a girl. I could never find my stuff anywhere. My mom nagged me a lot on that. But… at the moment, I couldn't be less bothered about my mom's nagging.

At the moment, I felt very disturbed and bothered. Bothered about… him, his tone of voice, the way he was reacting… everything about him.

So much about your life being good.

But it is good…

Then why is there always this nagging feeling? Why did you always wonder so much?

No reason… my life is great.

Then why does he seem to act differently every other time? Why does –

Shut up! Shut up… my life is ok.

Denial…

Go away…

You can't deny it for long. You've thought about it and you've analyzed it. You don't see a pattern. After a while, it's gonna get to you. And at that time, you won't be asking me to shut up.

Shut up.

It's frustrating isn't it, when he doesn't seem to care? It hurts doesn't it, when you're left to wonder about it all on your own.

Shut up! I don't have a right to question his life. He can live anyway he wants to, and I shan't control him.

Of course you shan't… and it's because you can't. You can't even control yourself.

Tears were starting to blur my vision. Why did I always have to go through this? It's… not fair. And yet again… I don't have the right to say that it was not fair. I just don't have the right.

If you are going to continue thinking that way, you'll never going to ease yourself. Why do you love him so much anyway? You know he isn't perfect.

Will you for the life of me just leave me alone?!

Tears were already slipping down my cheeks.

If he really cared, he wouldn't leave you like this. Do you want to continue doing this? Hurting yourself all the time? Do you even want to continue loving him so much not knowing why you did and not knowing if he loved you back?

I didn't answer… I couldn't. I did not know the answer.

I closed my eyes, conjuring his image out of nowhere.

You're always thinking about him, about if he's alright, if he's irritated, tired, burdened… and who's thinking about you?

I hugged my pillow to my chest. It was the only thing I could do.

In school I must have seemed okay to everyone as no one asked me a thing. But then again, by now I have learnt to keep my emotions at bay. In fact the only person I seemed not able to hide my emotions from was him.

But now, half an hour since the last bell, I was sitting at McDonalds, putting all pretenses aside.

It's stupid to get so uptight about how he reacts. You shouldn't be so easily affected by him.

But his reactions shows the way he truly feels. People can always say things when they want to hoping to make you believe them, but they can't be watching their reactions at all time. They would surely slip one day… and we'll know whether they really care.

See it the way you want to. I'm doubtful he even worries about the way you react. But you are so bothered about it. You're starting the conversation… you're the only one who seems to care. Are you really that weak?

A tear rolled down my cheek. My mind flew back to an hour ago, in school…

'Kaede, my practice is cancelled today, so I won't be staying back ok?'

'Hn…'

'I'm sorry.'

It's ok,' he replied, hands in his pocket. There was a short silence.

'Are you okay?'

He nodded. I hesitated.

'Are you angry with me?'

He shook his head. A longer pause this time.

He isn't looking at me…

'Okay then. You should go.'

A nod from him.

Now a second tear trekked its way down my cheek. I felt so bad about it. I felt as if I was disturbing him… making his life bad. I felt as if I was tiring him.

I think I've come to the point where I care so much about him being ok and not irritated and et cetra that it hurts me.

When I left, Mitsui and Miyagi came over. Though I was walking away, I sensed his change of air quite plainly. And I just didn't understand! It was killing me.

Maybe I'm thinking too much. Maybe I'm just paranoid…

Or maybe not…

'Yo!'

I broke out of my reverie. In some sense, I was thankful that I didn't have to go through all those things in my head. In another sense, I felt my privacy was invaded. When I was in those kinds of mood, I liked to be alone.

I looked up as someone squeezed into the seat opposite mine carrying two burgers and a coke on a tray.

'Mitsui-san? What are you doing here alone?'

'Hm? Oh… I eat alone at times. It give me some time to space out and to talk to people I don't normally talk to.'

'Then you shouldn't be talking to me.'

'Why not? I haven't done that in quite a long time. Why are you alone here anyhow?'

'No reason.'

'Are you ok?'

I nodded without even thinking about it. It was kinda an automatic reaction. I wasn't exactly lying. I mean I was okay about it not being okay in that sense.

'You don't seem ok though.'

I tried a smile, but it didn't really work.

'Hey… what's wrong?'

'I…don't know.

He waited for me to continue.

'I…' I sighed. 'Never mind, I don't have a right to feel this way. I don't have a right to complain.'

'That's okay, I never had a right to do the things I did. I never had a right to hit Miyagi or invade the basketball team and all… but I did it. You know, the world isn't that innocent and simple. Many people do things whether or not they have a right to, so… I think it's kinda okay.'

'But… I am not you,' I replied with the best naughty grin I could come up with at that time. 'It would be nice if the world was all nice and innocent though,' I added in a whisper.

'Sorry?'

'Nothing…'

'Okay… put it this way. You complain to me without a right, and I'll consider my debt to Rukawa for hitting him when I invaded the court paid. Deal?' He asked, biting into his burger. I hesitated.

Oh… what does it matter? I can't take it anymore anyway.

'It's not a big deal. I guess I just don't understand several things, and it makes me wonder… and uneasy.'

'Like?'

'People… why they do the things they do, why they react the way they do.'

'Who?' he asked softly.

I did not answer.

'Okay… why don't you give me an example.'

I let the silence gnaw on our bones a while before I continued.

'Well… some people act differently around different people.'

'That's normal isn't it?'

'Yeah… I guess… but let's just say you're supposed to be really close to this person and the way he acts around you isn't like the way he reacts to his other close friends… like he's a little colder towards you. And if you guys are really so close, it shouldn't bother you… but it does. And that makes you wonder if you're really that close after all. Maybe it was just you all the while… you thought you were close, but in the end… he doesn't really care.'

'Are you talking about Rukawa?'

I turned aside. Two more fat tears tolled down my cheeks. I swiped at them in frustration. I hated crying in public. But I was always doing that.

'I mean I just don't understand! I just don't.' I couldn't control myself any longer. Tears were just rolling down my cheeks. 'Sometimes he seems as if he's so tired with me, and sometimes it's like he really cares. I just don't understand. There are times when he is alone with me he's just plain… cool… when he's with others, he's just a lot chirpier. And it… it just kills me trying to figure it out. I…' I took a deep breath. 'I'm sorry.

'He loves you,'

I glanced at him. There were so many things that I didn't understand and wanted to ask him… but I couldn't bring myself to. And… I just didn't have the right to.

'Are you worried that he doesn't love you?'

'Well… I know that there are a lot of things that would make people hate me… especially people as close as him. I can be very tiresome, very naggy, demanding… and I can be possessive too. And that does make me frustrated. But hey… I'm just a 16-year-old. I can't change all of me in just that short while now, can I? But I don't want to burden him.'

'Do you love him?'

I glanced at him again.

'Well… I think I do. I know that I just don't want to see him hurt. I don't want him to be tired or irritated of frustrated. I want him to be ok and happy. I dunno why… I just can't stand it when he's sad about a problem.'

'But why? You said that you didn't understand. It is obviously hurting you so much… why do you still love? You're the last person who'd love him because he's Rukawa who plays basketball and is a hunk.'

'I… don't know. By now I've come to grasp the fact that there are loads of imperfections in him…. I see a lot of it… but… I don't know. I just love him.'

'I'll tell you why. You do because that is love. It's not about loving the perfect person, but about loving the person perfectly. There's something about him – his essence if you want to call it – that just draws you to him. It's not because he's perfect… it's because you've learnt to see that it doesn't matter. All that matters is that he's happy. Him being happy makes you happy… cause you just love him. And… he loves you too. You love him for who he is. He loves you for who you are. No strings attached. You're just insecure and you need to learn to rest in him… trust in him.'

'How can you be sure?'

He took a big bite from his burger.

'It's Rukawa we're talking about here.' He swallowed. 'He doesn't do things because he is expected to. He does them because he wants to. I can see it in him… his care for you. It's just part of him. People respond to things the way they see it… and you two just see things differently, I guess. Naturally, you'll respond differently.'

I went quiet. Outside it started pouring with rain. The conversation was left hanging as he let all that he said seep into me.

'He loves you… and you'll just have to learn to accept that.'

He loves you… and you'll just have to learn to accept that.

Does he?

He loves you… you'll just have to learn to accept that.

He shot. Missed. He had missed quite a few, and that ain't normal. I saw his eyes flip over to where I normally stood again.

Why are you doing this again?

Shut up, it doesn't matter to you.

Not long ago, a girl once told me that it didn't matter to her either…

Go away…

She said that it didn't matter whether or not he loved her. She said that she liked him, but it wouldn't disturb her if he didn't care back. She said she was not that dumb to expect something that seems almost impossible. She said she would give as much as she would, but she wouldn't give it her all. That's what she said to her brother. She said that it just didn't matter… but now, it seems to matter to her a lot, now doesn't it? It seems…

Look… ah, never mind

But…

Look… let me ask you a question. Do you even care for me? Huh?

…

Think about that why don't you? And shut up for a moment.

All the while, my eyes never left him. But there seemed to be something wrong with him today. He gave it up and stepped into the changing room.

I turned and leaned my back against the wall. I was outside of the gym, spying on him. Why? I didn't know. I just… wanted to see him. I closed my eyes, resting my mind. I had enough of debating with myself. Close to tears, I wanted it all to end.

Absorbed in my own world, I didn't realize he was already there.

'Kyoko?'

I opened my eyes.

Whops…

'What are you doing?'

'Nothing,' I replied. He eyed me. There was a pause while he contemplated if he should try to force it out of me. Then…

'Let's go home.'

I nodded. We walked towards the main door. His eyes swept over to me a few times. For some reason, something seemed to disturb him. Suddenly, without warning, he grabbed me and pinned me to the wall with his body. I was taken aback.

His face is nearly touching mine.

'Does it really matter so much to you?'

'Huh?'

'Does it really matter?'

'No… I mean… no…. I'm fine with it… it's…'

What is he talking about?

You know what he's talking about.

'I'm okay.'

'Kyo… look at me.'

I had no choice. I didn't like looking into people's eyes, especially not those whom I really care about. I feared that instead of seeing love in there, I would see rejection.

'I'm really okay,' I reiterated, looking right into his eyes. My heart fluttered. Just looking into those cool eyes made me shiver with anticipation and apprehension.

Yeah… tell me that both of you love each other and you're confident about that.

'I'm fine. I'm oka-'

'Why do you talk so much sometimes? Why do you say it's okay when it isn't? Why don't you just tell the truth...'

'I…'

'You nothing. You don't trust me…'

Hey… this is getting a little unfair.

'How do you expect me to? I don't even know if you love me. Sometimes you seem like you do. Sometimes you seem so tired having to deal with me. How can I be sure? I'm so confused!' I burst out, tears starting to fill my eyes.

'I mean after some time I can hardly take it anymore. Do you love me? Am I bothering you? I don't understand. If we really loved each other, why does it hurt me so much? Why – '

He leaned forward and brushed his lips against mine, cutting me short. After a moment, he pulled away. He reached out and brushed my tear away. Then he leaned over again. This time it was more intense… and I relaxed, letting myself rest in his grasp. Allowing myself for once, to totally give in to him.

'Look at me.'

I complied.

'I love you. I don't know why you worry so much. There's so many things that would make anyone love you. And there are things that I don't understand about you. Why you worry… why you say things that you don't mean whenever I ask you if you're okay… but it doesn't matter.'

His eyes are so captivating.

'I still love you. I know I'm confusing sometimes, and I'm sure I hurt you at others bu– '

'No… you don't hurt me.'

He gave me another queer look. That kind of look that told me to stop pretending, that he could see all that was playing in my mind.

'And I'm sorry. I guess… it's like tiring to be this new person who people want me to be. Chirpier… I'm not that kind, and it tires me out. But it kinda gives me a sense of accomplishment when I am able to pull it off. Still, it tires me. And I guess when I'm around you I just want to be who I am… who I really am, hoping that you'd understand and accept me for that. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't have to always ask me if you did. I guess I'm just tired.'

'Of me?' I asked timidly.

He paused for a moment.

'Everyone gets tired of everyone, no matter how much that person means to him or her. That doesn't mean that you mean any less to me than when I'm chirpy and when I talk a lot to you. Anyhow, most of the time I'm just generally tired.'

'Oh…'

'You shouldn't rely on how I act to determine whether I love you.' He continued, caressing my cheeks.

'But… that's the only way we can determine.'

'No… you just have to learn to rely on trust.'

'But so many people get hurt because of that. I am… scared I guess.'

'Scared… that I'd hurt you?'

I nodded. We were just inches apart.

His lips found their way to mine again.

'I've always loved you… and I always will… I won't hurt you,' he whispered softly into my ear.

I closed my eyes and rested my head on his shoulder, allowing him to hug me… allowing myself to be vulnerable.

Outside, it started to rain.

I've always loved you…

Birds were chirping, crickets chirruping.

… and I always will…

From where we were, we could hear the Shohoku's official clock strike eight times.

… I won't hurt you.

He loves you… you just have to learn to accept that.

No, you just have to rely on trust…

He loves you… you just have to learn to accept that.

His hands encircled me. I felt so secure in his grasp.

He loves you… you just have to learn to accept that… and maybe learn to love yourself.

A/N: Guys, please C&C (comment and critique). Please don't tell me it sucks. I know that it does. Tell me how I can improve on it and make it not suck anymore. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks a lot. Once again, I'm sorry that it sucks so bad and thanks for reading it all the way through.