A/N: Thanks for all the great reviews and guesses, guys. I enjoyed them all. The story is intentionally confusing because Sam is getting more and more confused. Stick with it, I hope it will be worth it for you in the end.

Ch 11 - My salad days

The next time she woke up, the first thing she realized was that she was still cold, but not as cold as she expected to be. She had the mother of all headaches too. She opened her eyes and saw that she was lying on her pallet, which had been moved as close to the fire as safety would allow.

The Colonel was seated on the opposite side of the fire, a blanket draped around himself, his hair sticking up even more than usual. "Hey," he said quietly, looking at her with his most serious expression.

She started to sit up and looked down at herself in confusion as she realized she wasn't wearing anything other than two thermal blankets. Clutching them tight, she sat up quickly and looked around for Daniel and Teal'c. They were nowhere in sight. Sighing, she buried her head in her hands.

She heard her CO moving and wasn't surprised when he sat down next to her and put a hand on her back. "Hey. What's wrong?"

"This isn't real," she said firmly, looking around them.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"None of this is real. I'm dreaming again."

"What..."

"Where are Daniel and Teal'c? Conveniently elsewhere? We're just by ourselves naked in front of a fire? This isn't happening."

"Woa, Carter... calm down. You're not dreaming, I swear. Although now that you mention it that doesn't sound entirely unpleasant..." he said with a rueful grin.

Her cheeks flushed and she looked around quickly. "Are you sure? Where are Daniel and Teal'c then?"

"They went back to get your stuff."

"What stuff?"

He sighed. "I think we need to start this conversation again. And you'd better take this opportunity to tell the truth or it's going to mean another psych screening for you when we get back home. What's the last thing you remember?"

"I was... coughing. Freezing. On the ground. You and Daniel were talking. Teal'c picking me up."

"Good," he said encouragingly. "What about before that?"

She frowned. "We were... swimming."

"Why?"

"I lost my temper, I left during dinner, I jumped in the lake, you followed me."

"Carter, you fell asleep during dinner," he said gently.

"I did? Wait, no, that's impossible."

"Not really. Daniel was being particularly boring. You nodded off right over there, sitting up and everything. Just sort of slumped over, leaning on Teal'c."

"I did?"

"Yup. We brought your pallet over so you could sleep and he stretched you out on it... he and I went to go contact the SGC, I wanted to talk to Janet, make sure there wasn't something wrong with you... when we came back Daniel was freaking out because you were gone. He was supposed to watch you, but he left you alone for a minute to go to the bathroom and apparently you took off. Luckily you left an easy trail, I had no trouble following it. You're right though, you were swimming in the lake. We started calling to you but you started swimming further away, then you just disappeared under the water. I hauled you out and you weren't breathing. We got you breathing again, brought you back, and tried to warm you up."

"Oh," she said quietly.

"Oh?" he repeated incredulously. "Carter, this is serious. You could have been hurt. You're not going anywhere until we figure this thing out."

"It's nothing, sir, it was just... a dream. I must have been sleepwalking or something, I don't know..."

"Is that the kind of thing that's been bothering you this whole time? Bad dreams?"

"Yes, sir, I guess you could say that," she said wearily.

"I thought you said it was about the quantum mirror thing..."

"It is... it's all connected...I don't know. Sir, I'd really like to get dressed now."

"Your pants and jacket aren't dry yet."

"Oh. Well, just a shirt even..."

"Five minutes. Then we're continuing this," he said firmly. She nodded and got up, the blanket still securely around herself. He tossed her t-shirt to her, which was lying with the rest of her clothes next to the fire as they tried to dry everything out. She caught sight of her underwear and bra and blushed as she headed into the tent to dress, wondering who exactly had removed those items, and if her whole team now knew exactly where that mole was...

Blushing even more, she rummaged around in her pack for her spare underwear and pulled them on, along with the shirt. She wrapped herself up in the blanket again and went back out to the fire, where Colonel O'Neill was making coffee. She sat back down next to him and he handed it to her wordlessly.

"Thanks," she said gratefully, holding the mug to warm her hands. "And... thanks for getting me out of the lake."

"Yeah. Now. Explain how you go from wondering about alternate realities to running off alone at night and throwing yourself in a freezing lake. You're supposed to be the smart one, you know."

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry this has gone so far, it's really nothing."

"Obviously it's something. Come on. I don't want to have to order you to talk."

"Daniel and Teal'c might..."

"Daniel already knows whatever it is, I could tell he did. Wouldn't tell me anything all day though. So I'm sure he and Teal'c will take their time."

She sighed, staring into the fire. There was no other way around this; he was right, she could have seriously hurt herself tonight. "I... I was telling the truth before. It does have to do with the quantum mirror... well at least I think so... with the other me anyway... and... see, I started having these dreams..."

"About another reality?"

"No... well, kind of in a way I suppose... I mean, they were happening here, but they aren't real... of course they're not real, they're dreams, but I mean..."

"Breathe. And calm down."

"Yes, sir." After several moments, she said, "I didn't connect what happened to the reason behind the dreams until I was at Janet's the other day..."

"You're still being way too vague. I'm sorry but I have no idea what you're talking about. What exactly are these dreams about?"

Biting her lip, and refusing to look anywhere near him, she said, "You."

The silence was thick enough to choke on.

"Oh," he finally said.

"Not anything... it was just... I keep having these dreams that start out normal, and then you, I mean we... kiss."

She was prepared for a variety of responses. She was not prepared for him to burst into laughter loud enough to wake the dead. She looked at him in surprise. He continued to laugh heartily, the blanket had slipped off of his shoulders and he almost fell off the log they were sitting on. "Glad to see the idea is so amusing," she said dryly.

"No, no, no, I just... sorry," he said, trying to control himself. "I just... my god, Carter, do you have any idea how long I... and T and Danny too, have been worried about you, trying to figure out what the problem was? And all it was was a couple of harmless dreams..."

"They aren't harmless! They're disturbing and disruptive to the work environment! They're inappropriate, and annoying and frustrating as hell!"

"But I mean... when you said you were sleepwalking and stuff, I thought you were having nightmares based on some of what we've been through, which would be perfectly understandable... and you just... Carter, for cryin out loud... what were these dreams rated?"

"What do you mean?"

"Come on, R? NC-17?" he asked with a playful grin.

"God, no! PG! If that!"

He burst into laughter again. "So you've had us all worried over nothing."

"It's NOT nothing! It's disturbing!"

"I know, I know, but... so wait... does that mean you've never had dreams about me before?"

She wanted to hit him, she really did. "I never remember my dreams. That's why it's so disturbing that I keep remembering these, and thinking they're real and..."

"That's really sad."

"What?"

"That you don't remember your dreams."

"No it's not. It was working really well for me... God, this is so embarrassing."

"I know. But only because you made it into such a huge deal when it didn't have to be. I'm sorry to laugh at you but honestly, I was expecting something so much worse this is a relief. I was expecting you to tell me you were thinking about quitting the SGC or something... look, if it makes you feel any better, I've had dreams about you too."

Her eyes widened and her cheeks burned bright red. "How is that supposed to make me feel any better?!" she demanded.

"I don't know," he said, still chuckling, unable to believe they were actually having this conversation. "But I still don't get why... oh. Wait. All this started because you saw me... and your twin..." He looked at her for confirmation and she nodded grimly.

"I know it's stupid but..."

"It's not stupid. I guess I should have... I assumed you'd... kind of... thank me. For doing that."

"What?"

"I don't know. I wasn't thinking, I guess. She was just so... not you in so many ways, but she was still... sort of you. I felt so sorry for her and I felt so inadequate... I had no idea what to say to her... she expected me to feel a certain way for her that I never could... the only thing I could think to do was kiss her goodbye and hope she got the message. Which she did. Did you hear what she said?"

"No."

"She said, 'you're really not him are you?' I don't regret doing it, because it worked. She finally understood, which I knew was necessary for me to be able to say goodbye to her with a clear conscience. I don't get all this alternate reality stuff, but I figured it would be bad karma or something if I didn't try to... help her in some way."

She sat quietly, letting all of that sink in. One thing he had said kept repeating over and over in her mind: "she expected me to feel a certain way for her that I never could." That was pretty clear. And she had just made a complete fool of herself telling him she dreamed about kissing him... oh god. She was never going to be able to look him in the face again.

She was suddenly filled with such a rush of hatred for her alternate self for forcing all this stuff to happen that she felt ashamed when she realized how sad that Sam's life probably was right at this very moment. Still... she had managed to mess things up pretty badly here as well.

"So... umm... do you think you'll be able to sleep now?" the Colonel asked after she had been quiet for a long, long time. "At least without running off in the middle of the night?"

She nodded, hoping that was his way of ending the conversation and that he would leave her alone to die of embarrassment. Unfortunately, he didn't. He just kept sitting there.

"Teal'c and Daniel should be back by now," she finally said, eager for their return so that they wouldn't have to keep talking. Not that they were still talking, but at least with the other guys there they would have an excuse not to talk.

"I'm sure they're fine," the Colonel said dismissively. He was still watching her like she was about to run off at any moment, she knew it. It was really frustrating.

"What are you thinking about?" he finally asked.

"Me?"

"Yeah. You look like you're trying to run the gate diagnostic remotely through your brain or something. I guess I can see why this is bothering you."

"You can? Because I know it's not supposed to..."

"Well, I guess... if the situation were reversed I would be kind of... pissed off," he admitted.

"You would?" she asked in surprise.

"Of course. Yeah, definitely. If I saw you kissing a version of me from an alternate reality, it would be very weird and I would not be... thrilled. Look. Her being here for a while messed with a lot of things. It definitely messed with my head, for one. I mean, we're... as soldiers I mean, you've got to think a certain way, even if it's hard, or sometimes you don't want to..." he looked at her hopefully, hoping she was following what he was saying, or rather NOT saying. She nodded, so he continued. "So even if, hypothetically, you started to feel like... or you started thinking... but you didn't want to feel like that... or think like that... even if it was just in a small way but you were afraid it would turn into something bigger... then you wouldn't be a very good officer if you didn't... make yourself stop. And just ignore... whatever... until it stopped popping into your head all the time... until you got good at pretending whatever it was... wasn't. Especially if you didn't think the other person... but that would be better anyway, because it would suck if both of you were feeling... and then not..."

That was the longest she had ever heard him talk at once, and she was fairly certain there wasn't a complete sentence anywhere in his confession, but she didn't have trouble filling in the blanks, mostly because she felt the exact same way. He must have thought she needed further explanation, because he continued.

"Anyway. When she... got here... and I learned about how she was... anyway... I guess I sort of realized that even though I had stopped thinking... and wondering... I hadn't stopped feeling... and there's nothing that can be done about it here for so many reasons... well for her too... but I felt like at least I could give her some closure. And... yeah... sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear. Now you look confused."

"No, I understand what you're saying about... that. Things you can't talk about... aren't even supposed to think about... that's why I've been trying so hard to get rid of the... the dreams. I just don't understand... why you said that she thought you felt a way you could never..."

"About her. About her I couldn't."

"I don't understand. You said she was more open and..."

"She wasn't you though," he interrupted suddenly. She stopped talking but was pretty sure her mouth was still open in shock. "However much she may have looked like you or sounded like you on occasion, she was different. It was... disturbing. That's all I meant. Now, have I successfully messed up this... whatever this is... non-conversation... enough so that you won't find me too irresistible and you can finally get a decent night's sleep?"

She laughed quietly as she thought about the question. It was true, this had to be the most awkward conversation of her whole life, and they hadn't even actually said anything at all. She had no idea what they were acknowledging, whether it was mutual feelings or the potential for mutual feelings, but she knew they both acknowledged that whatever it was it had to stay completely abstract, or a few dreams would be the least of anyone's worries. Still, she wanted to get rid of the dreams, and somehow she had a feeling they were only going to get more complicated from now on.

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A/N: It's not over yet... BTW, I'm of the Jane Austen school of writing if you can't tell;)