The guys must have noticed something different about Neil and I. There seemed to be a wall of unfamiliar politeness about us, like we had just met. They didn't say anything outright, however, if they had sensed a changed. That is, except for Todd.
Mr. Cummings had me working on the encyclopedia section today. The cool Monday morning air announced that November had settled in. Being the first day of the month, however, meant that two days from then I was going to be turning 16. I threw the thought away, but hope lingered in my mind that perhaps dad would send me a card or call me or something. Charlie would remember or course, he always remembered my birthday, even when I turned eight. Even on that day of all days, he managed to make me a card. Everyone had forgotten, my dad, my grandparents.
"Rachael?" I heard a voice say from behind me.
I turned to see Todd standing in the sunlight. He seemed very uncomfortable, for some odd reason. His light eyes skipping over my face like a rock on water.
"Todd?" I said standing and walking over to him with a smile, "What are you doing out of class?"
He shrugged, "Actually no classes are going on right now." He replied, glancing down at his feet.
I looked up at the clock. It was four o'clock, gosh the time had flown, last time I checked it had been two.
"Oh," I breathed, shifting the heavy weight of the books to my other arm.
"Would you like me to lend a hand?" He asked.
"Sure, I would love some help here," I said, leading him over to the shelf where I had cleared out all the encyclopedias. The large, hard bound books all lay discarded on the floor in piles arranged by alphabetical order.
"If you'll help me out putting them all back up, that would be wonderful," I said beginning with the "A" pile. Todd followed me and quietly lifted the books onto the shelf. A silence commenced for quite a while, making it uneasy but quick work.
"Now I know you didn't come here to help me shelve books," I said breaking the dusty hush that had coated us like the damp sunlight coming through the windows.
"No," He grunted, lifting four of the books onto the shelf, "I actually came here to talk to you about what happened when you went with Neil to his try outs."
That took me off guard. I could see perhaps Charlie asking me, or any other one of the guys. But not Todd, who scarcely even muttered a solitary hello. I didn't know what to say, so I told him the truth,
"Nothing happened," I said, stopping my work and propping my back up against the shelf, Todd kneeled down next to me, "Almost, but."
The sound of the door opening with a whack against the white wall, made both of us sit and up and look toward the entrance. Neil stood breathless and smiling.
"What's the matter?" I asked standing up, as he raced over.
"Rachael!" Neil cried running up to me. He picked me up a in twirling embrace.
"What? What happened?" I asked laughing slightly as he set me down.
"I got it!" He replied, his hands on my shoulders, smiling so wide I thought his lips would leave his very face, "I got the part,"
"The-the part?" I asked, "You got Puck!"
"Yes!" He said, laughing a little.
And he just stood there, smiling at me. Todd coughed behind us. I turned, Neil letting go of my shoulders.
"Did you get that letter off to Nolan?" He asked, coming up to us.
"Yes, I wrote it exactly like my father would've," Neil answered with a chuckle.
Todd cracked a smile, and gave me one last look, "I have to go finish some work now,"
"Alright, thanks for the help," I replied.
He nodded and headed for the door.
"What were you two doing?" Neil asked, as he followed me over to the shelf,
"Oh, Todd just dropped into the library and helped me out a bit with the reference section," I picked up a 'c' volume and put it next to the last 'b' we had gotten situated on the sill, "He's certainly the quiet sort isn't he?"
Neil chortled and picked up a second volume twirling it around in his hands, "I just can't believe it,"
"What?" I asked, looking over at him. He sat with his back to the book shelf, flipping through the leafy worn pages of the ancient index.
"I have wanted to do this for so long, to act, to be on stage," He breathed, cherishing every moment, every word as if it were his last, "To be able to get into the skin, per say, of a thousand different people." He looked at me with a smile, at that comment.
I blushed and looked down.
"Do you write poetry often?" He asked, I didn't look up but concentrated on straightening the stubborn shelf.
"Sometimes," I replied, standing, "When the muse strikes I guess,"
"Well I think I've found where my muse has been hiding for the past seventeen years," He said, putting the book on the shelf, "Oh Rachael, you have no idea. It's not only that I got the part in the play and that I'm finally doing what I love, its, it's the simple fact that what I'm doing isn't being planned by anyone, or ordered of me," He stared off at the window, at the setting sun, "Its something inside of me that's finally finding,"
"Freedom." I interrupted, finishing his sentence for him. How I wished I could be like that, to unearth liberation.
"Freedom," He repeated, a breathy laugh escaping his lips.
I didn't know what that was like, to find emancipation. I had lived with chains for so long. Irons of guilt and memories, pain and grief etched into me from so long ago. Eight years it had been. Eight long years, and still my soul seemed to fighting against itself, a constant battle with my mind and heart.
The long burning trail of a tear slid across my cheek. It brought me out of my mind's suppressive expanse, and back into that warm autumn afternoon of the dying year of 1959.
"Hey, hey," Neil said, turning to me, noticing that I was upset. His hand went to mine that lay on top of the books. He took it in his fingers, the very weight of them calming me, giving me peace.
"I'm fine," I choked, composing myself, "I'm fine, I'm just, I'm happy for you Neil. I'm glad you got the role."
"What's the matter? Just a few minutes ago you were smiling?" He questioned, still trying to figure out the reason for my sudden mood swing.
"It's nothing, truly," I replied, taking my hand away from his and trying to get my mind on the task Mr. Cummings had assigned me.
"Alright then," He said, resigning to the fact that something was bothering me but I wasn't going to tell him, not now anyway.
I felt his touch on my cheek, as he turned me to face him. He put both hands on either side of my face, his fingers deep in my hair. His breath was warm and soft on my face as he spoke.
"If you ever, need anyone to talk to, about anything, I mean absolutely anything; you know you can come to me right?" He questioned.
I nodded and bit my lip. Why was this person, this boy whom I had just met not a week ago making such an impact on me? Why did he make me consider telling him all of it, everything, stuff even my brother didn't even know about? Much more, why did I feel like crying when he looked at me this way? His fingers stroked my cheek, after untangling themselves from my hair. I felt so weak, so vulnerable. I almost dropped the books I clutched to my chest.
"Alright," He said drawing away, my breath still trembling from his touch and the onset of emotions that came with it.
I gave a fragile smile, and turned my glance away from him, staring back down at the floor.
"Neil!" A voice called.
We both looked up to see Meeks coming in from the outside, a cool blast of air escaping in with him.
"Neil, quick study group, since McAllister is giving that huge exam on the third principal part tomorrow," He said, throwing a smile over to me as he spoke.
I smiled back softly and knelt down beside my dusty tomes once again.
"Oh yah! I forgot, I was so excited about the play." Neil mused, "Thanks for reminding me,"
I heard his footsteps begin to lead away from me. I looked over at his tall figure. His grin was unsure as he talked, "So you sure you're fine?"
I nodded, "I'm okay, I promise."
"Alright than, I'll see you later," He said and followed Meeks out the door. I sniffed and turned back to the shelf. It was only half full and I already was this weak. I wondered how I would lift the rest of the books, and I knew I couldn't do it alone.