Disclaimer: Do these annoy anyone else as much as they annoy me? Everyone with a functional brain knows that Harry Potter and Co. belong to J.K. Rowling. Any names you don't recognise belong to me or the people who suggested them.
A/N: Thanks to pumpkinpiebaby, Lily Mione Potter, HoneySnowBunny, Rouge Mage, and for giving me all the great 'applicant' ideas! They all rocked! Oh, and one of my reviewers brought up the question- "Isn't it illegal for students and teachers to have a relationship?" So my answer to that question is that yes it's illegal, but only when school is in session, and since it's the summertime, they're safe! Sound good? Now onto the story, which is what we all know you're here for! Yay! Lots of exclamation points!
Take Time to Smell the Roses
Chapter Three
Hermione stood in front of her closet wrapped in a fuzzy white towel, trying to decide what to wear. She wanted to look fashionable, but not obsessively so like Pansy Parkinson did at times. Elegant, but not stuck up, trendy, but not crazily so, and most importantly, should she actually pick someone, and if they went ahead and got married right after that, she wanted to look nice enough to go to a church or a reverend or a justice of the peace to get married. She stood there a good twenty minutes pulling clothes out of the closet and throwing them on the bed as she dismissed them. Finally though, as she neared the end of the clothes in her closet, she came across an out-fit she had once bought at her mom's insistence, but had never worn. She quickly changed into it, dried her hair and French-braided it back, and put on a little lipstick.
As she looked at herself in her floor length mirror, she thought, 'I look pretty damn good!' and she did. Not gorgeous like Parvarti and Padma, but very beautiful indeed. She was wearing a light green dress that brought out the green flecks in her eyes and showed of her trim figure. The tank top strap dress went to just below the knee, and the skirt swirled around as she walked in her low-heel, strappy, white, sandal-clad feet. Around her neck she wore a silver chain with a pearl encased in a pretty silver woven ball (you know, silver strands are sort-of woven together to look like a round cage, and there's a pearl inside this one) that matched the pearl earrings she was wearing. She looked really pretty, especially once she wove some thin white ribbons through her braid.
"Well, I'm off, and I guess I'll see you two this evening or possibly late afternoon," Hermione smiled at her parents as she came down stairs and spun around waiting for their approval.
"Oh Hermione, you look beautiful, I wish you the best of luck," Helen stood up and embraced her daughter.
"I'm proud of you Sweets, I hope you find what you're looking for," Marius also stood up and embraced Hermione.
"Thank you, now I need to go before I start crying and mess up my make-up," she said laughing, her eyes bright.
"I didn't think you were wearing make-up," Helen said looking perplexed.
"I'm not, but it's the principle of the thing," Hermione said laughing as she grabbed her keys off a hook near the door and left to drive to the agency. Well, at least she drove as close as she could, just outside the Leaky Cauldron, where she parked her car and went inside, emerging in Diagon Alley a few minutes later. She walked the few blocks down and over to Lafayette Lane and made her way into Madame Marianne's Match-Making Agency, also know as 4-M.A. Once inside she was led to a small, one window room with a table and two chairs. On the table there was a pitcher of water and some glasses, along with a buzzer she could push when she was ready for the next applicant.
"You just go ahead and have a seat dear, it's almost noon, so you'll get your first appointment shortly, good luck!" the woman who had led her up said in one fast breath before closing the door behind her as she walked out, leaving Hermione alone in the room. She sat down on one side of the table with a questionnaire sheet in front of her. She had a dozen or so questions she wanted to ask the applicants to help her determine whether or not they would do. She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't hear the first guy come in till he spoke.
"Hermione?"
"Percy? What are you doing here?" Hermione asked in disbelief.
"Um, uh, well, I've been told uh, that- ahem, it'd be bet-better if I, um, found a wife. Mother's been hinting th-that I, uh should, and it would, um, help me to, uh get a promotion, in the Ministry, uh, that is," he stuttered, looking embarrassed and turning redder each moment that he spoke.
"Percy, chill, more or less that's what I'm here for, but I don't think you and I would work," Hermione tried not to laugh at poor Percy as she spoke. "I'll see you at Christmas when I go to the burrow like always for winter break, all right?"
"Sure, bye Hermione," he said gratefully before turning and leaving.
'Whew, I am so glad he was the first, that broke all the tension-build up I had,' Hermione smiled to herself before pushing the buzzer. A moment later another man came in.
"Hello, I'm Garth Lomesque, I'm twenty four, looking for a woman to stay at home and provide an heir so I can get my inheritance, and I think you'll suffice," the tall blond man said snottily as he looked Hermione over from head to toe, his gaze especially lingering on her chest.
"Excuse me?" Hermione was totally taken aback by him.
"I said, you'll suffice," he repeated. "Well, after you get a make-over of course. It's a wonder what plastic surgery can do for people like you. You can pay for it of course, but then you'll be presentable enough for all the country club dinners an-"
"Sorry, you're not my type," she cut him off before he could go any further. She quickly walked over to him and shooed him out the door. Leaning against it after it closed she fumed silently for a moment before going back to sit at the table and pushing the button again. 'Two down, eighteen to go,' she thought as the next applicant came in.
"Hi, I'm Hermione Granger," she said standing up to meet the older looking man who came into the room.
"How do you do? I'm Walter Hiderande, it's nice to meet you," he said taking her hand and brushing a kiss on it.
"Just fine, thanks," she said as they both sat down. "This is a little rude, but just how old are you?"
"I'll be sixty three in a month, how old are you?"
"I'm eighteen, nineteen in April," she replied, and continued on. "So what are you looking for?"
"I lost my first wife thirteen years ago in a broom accident, and now I'm looking for a younger gal to keep me company on my many cruises and trips. How about you? What are you looking for?" He asked, but continued on, somewhat sadly, before she could speak. "Someone a little younger, am I right?"
"I'm sorry, you seem like a wonderful guy, but yes, I'd prefer someone younger," she said apologetically.
"I understand," he stood up and gave her a fatherly kiss on the top of her head. "The best of luck to you, my dear."
Hermione felt a little bad as she pushed the buzzer again after he left, but she didn't want to marry someone forty five years older than her. Once again she got lost in her thoughts and didn't notice the next man coming in.
"Ah, hello there! I say, you're quite pretty, do I know you from somewhere?"
Hermione looked up, closed her eyes in disbelief, and then began banging her head on the table muttering obscenities.
"Is something wrong with your head? I once met a Japanese acupuncturist who knew the most amazing headache cure, it's simple, and won't take me but a minute to do if you'd like-"
"NO! I'm fine, honestly," Hermione stood up so fast that she knocked over her chair.
"Good, good, glad to hear it! Oh, I'm sure you're wondering just who this absolutely charming fellow in front of you is-" he started, but was cut off by Hermione.
"I know who you are. You're Gilderoy Lockhart, five time winner of Witch Weekly's most charming smile award and receiver of the Order of Merlin, Second Class or some such nonsense like that, now I'm sorry, but I'm allergic to teeth whiteners and hair bleach, so you'll forgive me for kicking you out now."
Hermione said all this while pushing him towards the door which he went out, smiling continuously and absent-mindedly almost. Hermione once again pushed the buzzer, hoping to get a good applicant. The agency said it would match her up with compatible people, and so far the only one who seemed decent was too old for her liking.
"Hello, I'm Yuri Medushnik," a short, chubby, bald man came into the room next, smiling broadly. "So nice to meet you!"
"I'm Hermione Granger, it's nice to meet you also," she said by way of introduction. "So let's get down to business, what are you looking for in a wife?"
"Ah, let's see…" he contemplated the question. "I'm looking for a wonderful cook, I love Italian food especially. Mainly though, I'm looking for a wife to provide me with a male heir, no girls though, such annoying things they can be."
"I see," Hermione had already dismissed him in her mind, not being able to cook well. "When would you want a child by?"
"As soon as possible, because I want to ensure the survival of the Medushnik line," he said promptly. "However, I see here on your profile you want to finish school first, and that won't do, so I'm afraid you won't do, so good-bye!"
'That was un-expected,' Hermione thought pushing the buzzer yet again. 'At least that time I didn't have to come up with a polite way to get rid of him.'
The next man to come in made Hermione's jaw drop, but she quickly recovered and smiled at him. He was tall, with brown curly hair and a thin moustache. He was extremely handsome, and carried himself well, if a bit arrogantly.
"How do you do?" He bowed. "My name is Antonio Mage, and I'm looking for someone beautiful, intelligent, and well cultured so that we can go to my villa in Italy and make beautiful babies together."
"Did you say Italy?" Hermione asked.
"Sí, I did," he replied.
"Then I'm sorry, but I don't want to live that far from home, but it was nice meeting you," she replied.
He stormed out in a huff with his nose so high in the air that Hermione thought he might fall over backwards. Hermione giggled at that, and pushed the buzzer. The next guy to come in was young looking, closer to her age, with light brown hair, blue eyes, and a wide smile with dimples.
"Hi, I'm Hermione Granger," she introduced herself and shook his hand.
"Nice to meet you, I'm Elijah Ohman," he sat down.
"I have some questions to ask you, if you don't mind?"
"Oh not at all, please continue," he replied.
"How old are you?"
"Twenty two years old."
"Let's see, what sort of things do you like to do in your spare time?"
"Well I enjoy playing quidditch, and hope to play professionally someday. I enjoy taking long walks on the beach, having candle-lit dinners, going to the opera and theatre. I also love to read, and I enjoy discussing art, literature, almost anything really." He flashed her a dazzling smile.
"You sound too good to be true," she smiled back at him, thinking she had found a potential guy.
"That's what my last boyfriend said, but it didn't work out between us because he worried about me playing quidditch. Didn't want me to get hurt, I guess."
"Your last boyfriend?" Hermione said puzzled.
"Yes. This is the room where I'm interviewed to see if I'll get along with any of the men in the system, isn't it?" He asked.
"No, this is an interview room for heterosexual marriage possibilities," Hermione said feeling a little let down.
"Oh, I'm sorry to have bothered you then," Elijah stood up and with a small wave left the room.
'Damn, he was cute, and seemed like a potential candidate,' Hermione thought to herself. Sighing, she reached over and pushed the button. The door opened and guess who came in?
"Granger!?"
"Malfoy!?"
They just stared at each other a moment before Draco grimaced and fled the room, slamming the door behind him in his hurry to leave. Hermione yet again pushed what she was beginning to think of as 'the button of doom'.
Several hours later, she had just kicked out Stanley Barbus, a seventy six year old pervert who just wanted to fondle her. He was candidate nineteen, and she had one chance left, otherwise she would have to fill out another application to try and get a new round of guys. Before hitting the buzzer, she silently threatened no one in particular that she had better get someone half-way decent to get married to that evening or she was going to go crazy. So a few minutes later, just after three o'clock, she hit the buzzer.
The door opened, and lifting her head up from where it had been lying on the table, she took in the sight before her. Black shoes were sticking out from under smooth black slacks. Tucked into the black slacks was a light green shirt that matched the colour of her dress funnily enough. Her eyes continued travelling up the green, black and white striped tie only to see one of the least likely people.
"Are you quite finished Miss Granger?" Severus Snape stood there, crossing his arms over his chest, staring at her.
"Yes, I'm sorry, you just surprised me is all," she said pouring two glasses of water as he sat down. "So what brings you here?"
"I assume the same thing as you," he said glaring. "I have to find a wife by the time I turn thirty five on August sixth. If not, I die a long, slow, and excruciatingly painful death."
"Sounds like fun," Hermione replied sarcastically. "I'm here so I'll be able to get a good job after University. You'd think that my helping to defeat Voldemort would be a sure-fire way to secure a job, but everyone only cares about Harry, not that I especially mind being left out of the lime-light. Question, what's your opinion on kids?"
"I expected something like that from you. My opinion on kids? They're annoying to teach most of the time except for the occasional and rare student that makes it worth while, but I do it as a favour to Albus. As for having children, my family has been cursed so that I must have a male heir by the time I turn forty five."
"Sounds typical of an old fashioned Slytherin family. So how were the women you got to meet?"
"Dull and petty. The first one I met was a former Ravenclaw named Samantha West, a blond haired, green eyed, soon-to-be doctor. The reason however she wanted to get married was that she wanted a high standing husband to marry in order to get donations for the hospital she hopes to someday work at. However, she can't stand children, and as one of the parts of the curse requires that I produce an heir, we went our separate ways. The second one, Julia Dorfenfeffer looked like she was related to the Weasley's with red hair and green eyes, however she only wants money, and it's my belief that since she is extremely fond of corporal punishment, that she would be a better match for Filch," he ticked off each woman on his finger as he continued. "The third woman Aridre Cera of Tokyo, Japan was very pale, had long black hair and golden-yellow eyes with no pupils that un-nerved me to no end. She likes gardening, reading manga, theatre, and raising pet cobras and Siamese cats. She speaks fifteen languages and says she is very good at herbology and potions. However, the eyes reminded me too much of what I've heard basilisk eyes look like, and decided against her. She also said she had no desire to marry someone paler than herself.
"Oh, that would be a good reason not to pick her."
"Yes, I'm well aware," he said annoyed at her interruption. "The last woman I met before you was Mary Katherine Gallagher, a blond with brown eyes and a large nose. She didn't even have a modicum of wit or intelligence, and I left soon after meeting her."
"Oh," Hermione said, for lack of something else.
"Miss Granger, aren't you too young to be here?" Severus asked after a few minutes silence.
"No. In my third and sixth year at Hogwarts I used a time-turner, thus adding several months to my age, so I'm actually eighteen," she explained meeting his gaze. They sat for a few minutes just staring one another in the eye, before they seemed to come to a silent agreement. Severus reached into one of his pockets and pulled out a little black box, and slid it across the table where it stopped as it bumped Hermione's hand. She opened it, took out the white-gold band with a large diamond on it surrounded by small emeralds, and put it on her ring finger on her left hand.
"Where's the nearest chapel?" He asked putting his white-gold wedding band that had a rectangular diamond set into the ring, also surrounded by emeralds on his ring finger also.
"Just around the corner," she said as she also stood up, and followed him out the door.
A/N: This chapter has been hilarious to write, especially the 'proposal' scene, if you can call it that. I hope you all like it. That just popped into my head, the whole silent agreement thing. Thanks to everyone who sent in candidates, I used as many as I could, and they were all hilarious! I love 'em all, and thanks bunches! So review, flame, criticize, whatever!