Title: As long as you are happy
Author: children of the Revolution
Fandom: Digimon
Disclaimer: Not now, not ever. Not mine.
Warnings: Incest and shounen-ai.
Rating: Pg
Chapter: One-shot
Authors note: ...I have to confess something...I...haven't really seen the episode when they're all grown up yet. I've only read about it and seen pictures. And for the moment I neither remember nor care which gender or eye color their kids had, so...I made most of these things up, simply because this is my fic and I can. :P
R&R
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I miss you Yamato.
I have done so for a long time. Ever since our parents divorced and they broke us up, actually. Our family has always been a broken one.
You have a new family now.
I remember your wedding day. I remember you wore a black costume, and every time I laid my eyes upon you I thought I was going to cry.
But I didn't. On every photo taken that day, I'm smiling. It wasn't until later, on your wedding night, that I cried.
Sora was really beautiful in her wedding dress, and I understand why you chose to marry her. I wasn't surprised when you two told me you were going to marry each other. Heartbroken, but not at all surprised.
When you called me a year later and told me with the happiest voice I've ever heard that Sora was pregnant, I was happy for you. And not in that pretending way that I was on your wedding, I was really truly happy.
She's beautiful, your daughter. She has the same eyes as you. As us.
I remember my wedding day too.
I don't remember why I chose to marry her. Of course I knew I could never have been with you, but I really don't know. I could have searched more, maybe finding someone whom I could love as much as I love you. But I didn't. I settled down with her, and that must've been the second stupidest thing I've ever done. I kept comparing her to you, and what little crush I once had on her faded away completely, and the love I've always, in some way, felt for you, blossomed up to an unbelievable strength.
She gave born to our son a half year later. I'm glad that he doesn't look too much like his mother. Actually, he looks more and more like you for every day. He too has our eyes.
She left me two years after the wedding. We divorced, just as our parents did. I'm glad that we only got one child, otherwise they could've been separated just as you and I.
She asked me if I was seeing someone else, and even when I said no she kept asking me who the other woman was. I wonder what she would've said if I had told her the truth. That the other woman in fact was no woman. What would she have said if I told her that it was you I kept dreaming about?
I don't know, and I don't really care either. Usually I don't think about her at all. It's been so many years since I last saw her, but I don't miss her at all.
It's been a week since I last saw you, and I've missed you every second since then.
Most of the time it's Sora who decides when you and your family shall visit me, or when my son and I shall visit you. Truth to be told, I think you're avoiding me, Yamato. Or trying to, 'cause you would never tell your wife why you don't want to see your younger brother, and so you must see me whenever Sora want to.
I know why you're avoiding me. Oh yes, I know exactly why you're avoiding me.
It's been a half-year since that day. That they when I did the bravest and yet stupidest thing in my whole life.
I told you.
Sora was in the kitchen preparing dinner and you and I were in your bedroom. Your son was only a couple of months then and he laid asleep on your and Sora's bed.
Why I decided to tell you then, I will probably never know. But I did.
What you did afterwards really hurt me. You just stared at me with wide eyes and an open mouth. You said nothing. Not that you loved me too (I never really believed much in that possibility anyway), no, not even did you told me to take my son and go back home. To never bother you again.
You just stared at me.
If you had kissed me or hit me or thrown up all over me, I would have known how to react.
But you just stared.
The one thing that brought you back to life was when your son suddenly woke up and whined. You went to pick him up and then you walked out of the room.
Without looking at me.
At dinner, you only talked to Sora. Or a short 'yes' or 'no' if I asked anything. Of course Sora noticed that something was up. She did get the crest of love for a reason, didn't she? And of course I didn't told her the truth when she asked me about it later while you did the dishes.
Crest of love or not, she wouldn't understand.
And I'm not sure that you did either.
Since then, you avoid being alone with me in a room, and you can barely talk to me if there isn't someone else involved in the conversation.
And the times I do get eye contact with you, It hurts so much I almost wish I didn't.
There is something new in your eyes nowadays. Fear, I think it is, that's shining in your beautiful blue orbs when you're looking at me.
Fear for what, I'm not sure.
Maybe you think that someday I will do something. That I will hurt you. That thought pains me even more than the look itself.
Yamato, I could never hurt you. Not even if my life depended on it, I could never hurt you on purpose.
I could continue with torturing myself. I could think that maybe you're afraid because you love me too, but you know that you shouldn't. I could think that you're afraid because the truth finally has been spoken out loud, and that you were in denial, but loved me all along. I could continue giving myself false hope.
But I've been lying to myself for far too long now.
You could never love me. I should have known that from the beginning. From the very second that I, after more tears than you'd think human possible, accepted to myself that I was in love with you.
You could never love me. Not in the way that I love you, and after what I told you, I'm not sure that you can love me as a brother either. Not like you used to, things can never go back to the way they used to be.
I love you, but you could never love me back.
I'll just have to accept that fact. Really, it should be an easy thing for me to do. After accepting my love for you, I guess I could accept almost anything.
Maybe even that look in your eyes.
Every time you've looked at me in that way, I've ended up crying myself to sleep, and if it wasn't for my son, I know I would have committed suicide a long time ago. I know your life would be easier without me.
But there are still times when I see you smile.
Sometimes when you forget that I'm in the room, I can see you smile towards Sora or someone of our other friends.
You are happy.
And as long as you are happy, I can at least pretend that I am too.
.:End:.