Bittersweet Dreams Coming Home

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Bittersweet Dreams

You caught my eye across the room. Suddenly, the whole world melted away. I was dizzied by your beauty. I came to you and everyone seemed to disperse from the ballroom. I held your waist and we danced. I almost fell over because my eyes were locked on you. I couldn't pull free. I couldn't resist. I kissed you on the spot, and fireworks flew into the sky. Your lips were so soft and you eased into the kiss as it got deeper. I then realized it. You had the same feelings that I have for you. It was perfect. I forgot about Sarah and Charlie and all my misfortunes. What are these emotions? I didn't have this with Sarah. This was deeper. I felt surrounded by fuzz and fluff, and I felt soft kisses on me. How was this happening? I only thought of you as a friend. But now, as we kiss, I realize I've been blind. Your personality. Your beauty. Your smile. But the beauty isn't important. This is for who you are.

I'm so confused and dizzy and when I closed my eyes and kissed you more, I prayed that would go away.

But it didn't.

I want you to leap into my arms and I would carry you home 3,000 miles if you wanted me to.

I can't stop thinking about you, and the way I love you.

My heart fluttered as you walked towards me, your eyes locked on mine. You took my hand so gently, the other resting on my waist. You didn't know, but this was what I had longed for the day we met. Just to touch you is my ectacsy. You never stare at me like every other guy that I've ever met. You make me feel like a person, not some barbie doll with a gun. In this moment, all my dreams have come true, and I wish I could keep you forever. As my mind wonders, you lean in and kiss me. I swear my heart skips a beat. I kiss you back and I can feel your smile on my lips. I had never ever expected this to happen between us, but here you were, proving me wrong. But at this point, I was so happy I was wrong.

You wrapped your arms around me and I melt into your warm body. I don't care if General Hammond sees us and court martials us. This is what is meant to happen.

I never want this to fade.

I wonder if perhaps General Hammond is watching us, and if he'll court martial us. I somehow force myself to pull away. Oh god, not those pleading eyes that she gives me on missions where she tells me to go on without her. Not those eyes that show such... love. How could I have not noticed, and how come I haven't realized how regardless how much I try, I can't actually pull myself away from her body. I can't; it hurts too much.

And I have to look away, because it looks like she's going to cry. I can't do this, not to her, and not to myself.

The best way to ease the pain is usually to put it away. Never look at it again like I've done for everything else. But suddenly, I'm sick of hiding and dreading and putting more things away to never look or contemplate.

So screw it, forget General Hammond, forget the rules, forget everything except this intoxicating feeling where I'm floating above the clouds. Jesus, I want to take her with me.

And I kiss her again, because she doesn't want this to fade, and quite honestly, neither do I.

You pull away, and my heart breaks. I had everything, and everything was perfect. In a moment, it was gone. He's scared but I can barely hold the tears that are forming, I can't be strong this time. I look up at him hoping to find comfort, but he looks away. This can't be happening. Maybe it was just a little crush, nothing real, meaningless. Maybe he realized that we shouldn't be doing this and he wants to save both our jobs. His expression is pained and he looks at me with such sadness. He softens and takes me up in his strong arms again. I know he's afraid of what General Hammond will think if he sees us. I am too, but it's hard to put a job above pure, real love. He kisses me again, saves me like all those times when I was in trouble on missions.

But this time is different. Saving me from falling apart over the moment of heaven that you gave me. All those other guys that I thought I had feelings for... I was so stupid.

All I would see is your face, feel your touch, your spirit, your love.

This is something to keep. I want to have her soul in a box and keep it in my heart forever, yet still have her at my side. I don't care what General Hammond thinks. I want to be at her side at the altar. I want to say "I do." with her and cherish it. I want to dance with her at our wedding. I want to kiss her every night when we go sleep in the same bed, holding hands. I want her to be happy, but happier to share a family with me. So I kiss her again, and she starts to cry. Is she afraid? I wrap my arms around her and lightly squeeze her. I bring her face up to mine, and I kiss her. This one was longer, more passionanate. I stroke her silky hair, and she holds me tightly, as if she would never let go. This makes me feel more confident, and I tell her what I'm feeling.

"I love you."

And I wake up, sweat dripping down my forhead, and my hands clammy because they're not holding onto anything except the figment of my imagination. How could you ever love me?

Do you know how much I love you? I wake up, but I'm not the same.

And I walk out onto my balconly, now bathed in moonlight. It's cold outside, but it's not as cold as I am inside. I'm numb from all this pain. How could he take it away when he doesn't even know that I want him next to me.

Is she so ignorant of my stares? I love her so much, it hurts. It's freezing in my room, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is her. And she's probably asleep, dreaming of finding hot guys who aren't her superior.

I'm actually lucky, now that I think about it, that the dream only went that far. How many times have I dreamt of him lying on me, holding my hands, falling into blackness. I'm falling apart, and I hate you for it. But that's what love is, isn't it? When you love someone so much that it hurts, and you'd rather live with them or strangle them because you hate them so much for putting you through the pain of loving them.

Maybe, I'll just tell her how much I miss her. I want to go home, but that's where she is, and how do you tell someone who doesn't love you that they're your everything?

I don't know what to say. I pick up the phone, because I'm tired of lying to--

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jack?" I sigh, knowing it's him, this is it. I'm tired of being numb. "I'm sorry, Colnel, but I have to tell you, I'm tired of being numb."

I can feel a lump in my throat. He's going to tell me that I'm crazy. Oh god, though, I love him too much to move on. I need to hear him say I don't have a chance.

"I'm numb all the time Sam. What's up?"

"I... I'm sorry sir, but I love you." And suddenly, I can't help it, I'm sobbing to the man I love so much. This is heartbreak, before he even tells me "no." "I love you so much, Jack, it hurts. I miss you all the time, and whenever you're hurt, I feel like I'm close to dying. Nothing is good without you, Jack, and I know you don't feel the same, but I'm tired of lying. We can just forget this happened, and--"

"I love you, Sam Carter, more than you'd ever know. So shut up and I'm coming home."

And I know what he means. He's my home, and I'm his.

We're going home, and it's better than any home that anyone could ever ask for. The phone goes back to the dial tone, but I don't hear it. All I can hear is that he's coming to visit me.

"I'm coming home..."