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X Character Files
Sumeragi Subaru
Stage I, Age 9 to 23
………………………………Part I……………………………
"Rain . . .? Red rain . . .?"
Sakura petals drifted down, and I stretched out my hands and caught one. But I also caught a drop of red liquid. It had landed directly on top of the petal. It was still warm.
What was it?
I looked up and saw a man smiling at me. His smile was so nice that I almost smiled back. He had a child about my age in his arms. What was he doing? Why were the red raindrops coming from the child? That couldn't be normal. Was there any way I could help him?
Suddenly, the man pushed the child away from him, as he pulled his hand out from the boy's chest. Blood! The red liquid was blood, wasn't it?! The child . . . he . . . he was dead . . . wasn't he?!
Blood. So much blood . . .It fell, like rain, pouring down . . . That smell. Sickening. Of death. Blood. Death. The child landed on the sakura petals. That sound . . . A dull thud. The body . . . Limp, lifeless. Blood. Still flowing, like river . . . so much blood . . . Dyeing the sakura red. Blood. So much blood . . . Won't stop. Couldn't stop . . . Blood! So much blood! Stop it! Stop . . . stop . . . Darkness . . .
……………………………………………………………
"The sakura are so beautiful . . ."
"Do you like the sakura?" He asked me.
"Yes!"
"Do you know that there are corpses buried under the sakura trees?"
"Corpses?"
"The sakura can bloom so magnificently every year is because that there are copses buried under them. The sakura petals should be white, as white as snow . . . but they are now pale red. Do you know why? Because they have drunk the blood from those corpses under the tress."
"Then don't those people buried under the trees feel pain?" It must be very painful, to have their blood drank by the tree. Unable to leave, because people could never see them, thus cannot free them. They only saw the beauty of the sakura. But I could hear them, crying out for help, their voices in agony. Their pain so intense that it hurt just by hearing them call. I wanted to help them. That was why I came here in the first place. They were calling me.
"Let's make a 'bet'. When we meet again, I will spend one year with you and try to make myself like you. But only for a year. One year later, if you make me feel that you are 'special', then you win. But if I feel that you are nothing to me at all, just like this corpse," he said motioning to the child lying lifelessly by our feet, "Then I will kill you."
What was he talking about? I should have left here long ago. Grandmother must be looking for me. But . . . I couldn't go. I didn't want to go. I could not leave the spirits here in pain. I could not leave him. He was telling me something, and even if I did not understand what he was saying, I couldn't leave him. I didn't want to leave him just yet.
"So today, I will let you go. I will leave a 'mark' on you, so that I can recognize you later on." And he lifted my hands, kissing the back of each one. A searing pain then shot out form there, numbing my mind. My vision was blurring, darkening, fading . . . Forgetting . . .
"There marks will show that you belong to the Sakurazukamori."
………………………………Part II……………………………
The shikigami was flying too fast! I was straining to see it in the crowd, let alone follow it. Ah, there it is! Wait! I focused all my attention on the white dove in the sky. It was so close now . . . WAHHH!
Ouch. It sure wasn't fun to fall face-flat on the ground.
"Are you all right?"
I looked up to see a pair of warm, honey brown eyes and a smile. That smile . . . it was so familiar . . . I had seen it before . . .
"Come, let me help you up. My name is Sakurazuka Seishirou. What is yours?"
"Su . . . Sumeragi Subaru."
……………………………………………………………
Do you hate Tokyo?
The city filled with betrayal, lies, greed, selfishness, loneliness . . . Sins. I saw these almost everyday. These elements were hidden under the tall skyscrapers and lovely houses, under the never fading neon lights and laughter caused by physical enjoyment. The people knew about these hidden things, but they never change. They simply ignored them, avoided them, and indulged themselves in false happiness, blissfully ignorant.
But I couldn't do that. To ensure their "happiness", I had to sooth the anger of those souls and spirits who died, ironically, because of that "happiness". They were the victims of murder, suicide, rape, kidnap, hate and love.
Yes, even love. After it had reached certain intensity, it would drive someone crazy.
I always tried my best to help them, so that they could go in peace. I did that not only because it was my job, but also it hurt so much just listening to them confide their miseries. I knew that no one could totally understand what another person felt, and yet I could be so greatly saddened just by listening to them, then imagine the depth of the original pain. No one should be suffering this much. I had to free them, even if I go hurt in the process. My pain was nothing compared to theirs.
Maybe you would ask if such a city filled with sins was worth protecting.
But like everything else in the world, this city also had its good side. For example, the people's smiles, an expression that only occurred because the person was truly happy. The "smile" that appeared when the person was bleeding inside could never be counted as a smile. Even if I had seen only one smile the whole day, it was enough to remind me that people could still find true happiness in a city like this, and that alone was enough reason for me to protect Tokyo.
Besides, the people I cared for were here. If they weren't, then this city might as well be empty.
I could not lose them, Hokuto-chan and Seishirou-san. They both understood and cared for me, and I liked them both very much too, but there was a slight difference which I couldn't place between what I felt for them. Sometimes I won't tell Hokuto-chan the truth, afraid that she would worry too much, but I didn't need to do that with Seishirou-san, because he always had the right advice for me, and my problems would be more or less solved after that. I just felt so safe and protected around him, and if not for him, I really wont' know where I would be now.
First it was with Ito-san on Tokyo Tower, where he protected me, then it was when he gave me counsels on the nightmare about Mitsuki-san. He also helped take care of Hokuto-chan when I had to exorcize the three girls though the phone, and now, he had just sorted out my worries about how Grandmother and Hokuto-chan would feel if I were to donate my kidney to Yuuya. I could never thank him enough.
I just wished that he and Hokuto-chan would stop making jokes about me marrying him. It's so embarrassing . . .
"Yuuya! Yuuya!" What happened?! I quickly rushed in the direction where the screams were coming from.
"Quick! Go to the operation room! Tell them to prepare for operation immediately!" a doctor ordered, and Yuuya was wheeled out of his hospital ward.
I looked at Yuuya's mother curled up in the center of the room, shaking and sobbing in hysterics. "Madam . . ."
"Yuuya . . . Nobody . . . nobody is willing to donate a kidney . . . Yuuya . . ." she murmured as she stood up wobbly and took the fruit knife on the counter, "need kidney . . . please . . . I beg you to donate a kidney to Yuuya . . ." and all of a sudden, she lunged forward and swung the knife, cutting a gash on my arm.
"Madam! Listen to me! I am willing to . . ."
"YUUYA!" she raised the knife over her head, eyes wild and unfocused, and prepared to strike.
I stopped myself from saying anything that I had wanted to say. If stabbing me could ease her anger, then by all means I would take the blow. I closed my eyes.
CRACK! "Subaru-chan!" I heard Hokuto-chan calling me. What . . . happened? I wasn't hurt . . . and that sound . . .
I opened my eyes and saw Seishirou-san's spectacles lying on the ground, broken. Seishirou-san . . . he was in front of me. Blood spewed out and fell like a drizzle . . . his face . . . half covered in red . . . What happened . . .? Seishirou-san . . .
……………………………………………………………
"Seishirou-san! Seishirou-san! Seishirou-san!" What happened to him?! Would he be all right?! Thud! Thud! Thud! I slammed my fists against the door of the operation room. Open the door! Let me see him! "Seishirou-san!"
"Subaru-chan! Calm down, Subaru-chan!" I dimly heard Hokuto-chan yell, as her voice was overpowered by the chaos of my mind.
"Seishirou-san! Seishirou-san!" Thud! Thud! Thud! Thud! I banded on the doors continuously, wanting to let out at least some of whatever I was feeling. But it didn't work. Maybe I was already too numb to feel, so there was nothing to let out. Yet I still banded on the doors with all my might. Then, perhaps they would open the door and Seishirou-san would come out just fine. I didn't know. I had to do something.
Blood seeped through my gloves and left stains on the doors. Blood, just like the when Seishirou-san was stabbed. If his wound could be wiped away by using all my blood, then I would rather die than have him injured.
"Seishirou-san!" What if . . . what if he never wanted to see me again? What if he didn't like me anymore? What if . . .
"Seishirou-san! Seishirou-san . . ." Please . . . don't . . . "Seishirou-san . . ."
……………………………………………………………
Seishirou-san lost his right eye because of me, and all I had done was hiding in my room, crying and drowning myself in tears. I didn't even dare to apologize, too timid to even think of the consequences if he didn't accept, but I still longed to see him, even if he would chase me out right away. I had no right to beg for his forgiveness, but at least let me make this hopeless attempt.
I stood outside the door of his ward, hesitating, no just too scared to face what lay beyond.
"Go on, Subaru-chan. If he doesn't accept your apology the first time, I would apologize with you until he does."
"Thank you, Hokuto-chan." But was that possible? Finally, I knocked.
"Cone in."
My heart pounded furiously as I walked in, and stopped short as I saw the white gauze around his right. It was all my fault.
"Subaru-kun! How are you? How's school and work? You don't' look too well. Are your jobs recently too stressing? Don't overwork yourself, or else Hokuto-chan will worry."
How . . . How could he act as if nothing ever happened? I made him lose his eye! I used to want him to forgive me, but now, I just hoped that he would shout at me, punish me, to at least let me feel that I was redeeming my mistake. Him acting like this only made me feel more guilty.
"You have a bit of fever," he said, putting his hand against my forehead, "Here's the hospital, so you can let the doctor give you a check-up . . ." Why was he being so nice? I didn't deserve it . . . Tears rolled down my cheeks, as I was unable to suppress the guilt his kindness was bringing.
"Subaru-kun! What has happened? Is it that you don't like your present job? Or are you feeling unwell?"
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" I cried, clutching onto his hand for support.
'Subaru-kun! What is this all about?! Tell me, why are you apologizing?"
"Because . . . your right eye . . ."
"Ah! It's because of this! But why?"
"You . . . you lost it because you were protecting me . . ."
"You're wrong. You didn't cause this. I had allowed this to happen. If you wished me to protect you, then you won't have said to the lady to do whatever she wanted. So I was also just doing whatever I wanted. Subaru-kun, you are not responsible for this at all. Actually, everyone is just doing things for themselves. Even if sometimes people would say that 'how I wished I could do something for that person' but in fact, they only hope that when they see other people being happy, they could have a share of that happiness too. My actions are rather similar to that situation. Although you were definite about letting that lady hurt you, if feel that a 'healthy' you is more important than an 'injured' one, so I interfered. I was thinking you would blame me for that."
He didn't hate me . . . I could still be with him like the way we were before. But . . . even if he didn't hold it against me, I could never forgive myself. It should have been me without an eye now.
"But if you really are so disturbed by tis, perhaps I should ask for some 'payback'." He said as he tilted my chin up to look at him in the eye, "Will you agree to all my requests?"
Without hesitating, I nodded in agreement. I would do anything for him, at any cost. It wasn't because he lost his eye for my sake, but that he was precious to me.
"Then . . . buy me some donuts and ice-cream!"
……………………………………………………………
"Of course, you are a very kind person, and you must be feeling very guilty for making him injured, but from your words, I can see that you really love that person very much . . ." the uncle's words still refused to leave my mind.
"I 'love' him . . .?" but what was love? I had seen people tormented by it, struggling in it, but at the same time, I saw it making people happier than ever. I didn't think that I could find a word to describe that feeling I had seen them shown. I thought it as impossible for me to fall in love, into something I didn't understand, and yet . . .
I didn't know. There was also no reason for it to happen. I knew that he lost his eye for me, but . . . but . . . but when he was hurt, everything else around me just didn't exist anymore. Even Hokuto-chan's yells were only a dim fuzz. I couldn't even remember what I was doing, except feeling extremely worried and scared. Especially scared.
I knew I should be scared of him dying, but that wasn't the case. I was afraid that . . . that he would never want to see me again. It sounded ridiculous. Yet . . . I really feared that . . . he would hate me, because it hurt so much more to think about it. If . . . he really did die, then I probably would go with him, but to think that I won't see him again, that he hated me, then I won't even know what to do. I couldn't die, because he was still here I couldn't go on, because he wasn't in my life anymore. That was what I was afraid of - a life without him.
I was so scared, that he won't like me anymore, because . . . because . . .
"I . . . I love . . . Seishirou-san . . ."
Unconsciously, I had already reached Seishirou-san's hospital room. I didn't try to hide the tearstains on my face. Perhaps it was time to tell him how I felt. Opening the door, I was swept into something that I had never expected.
An endless void of darkness. Nothing below, nothing above, feeling so trapped, yet so small against the vast stretch of darkness that seemed to cover the whole world. Sakura petals drifted in the air, as if glowing compared to the background. They looked so beautiful and ethereal that it was eerie. Seishirou-san and a sakura tree were the only existence.
"Looks like the time has come for us to resolve the 'bet', Sumeragi Subaru."
"Sei . . . Seishirou-san?"
"We are now inside my 'maboroshi'. You and I, it has been a year since our 'reunion', and the promised say has come." He smiled. That smile . . . it wasn't him . . . but so familiar . . .
"Reunion . . .? Promised . . .?"
Seishirou-san wasn't under the tree anymore. Instead, a child stood there. That child . . . it was me, when I was young. That sakura tree, filled with spirits screaming in agony. I had seen this scene in my dreams. And that man . . .
"Take a closer look at who you had met that time."
The honey brown eyes, and that smile . . . "That person . . . is Seishirou-san?"
"Yes. We've already met seven years ago, under this sakura tree. You still can't remember? At that time, what happened and what had you seen under the tree? What had fallen by your feet?"
"A CHILD! But that child . . .! Who . . . Who killed him?!"
Seishirou-san held me from rushing forward, and smiled, "Don't you remember? It was me."
Rain . . . red rain . . . That smile . . . a child, fell onto the ground. Blood! That smell, that sound, that body . . . dead and lifeless, sakura, red sakura. Blood. Death. Blood . . . "Do you like the sakura?"
"How . . . Why . . . is it so . . ." No, it wasn't true. Seishirou-san would never kill anyone, let alone a child. I must be dreaming. It couldn't be true . . . "Is this a 'dreamscape'? Am I dreaming again?"
"No, it's your memory. You appeared at my workplace, and saw me kill." It was false! "I am the 'Sakurazukamori'." False! "I use the onmyouji that you know . . . to kill people." False! "I am an assassin."
"It's not true! If you were the Sakurazukamori, then I would be dead now!"
"It's because of our 'bet'. Do you know why are you wearing gloves?" These marks will show that you belong to the Sakurazukamori. Grandmother stared making me wear gloves from that day on, so that no one, absolutely no one, would see my hands.
He hugged me from behind, then lifted my left hand. Light began to shine from beneath the glove, as he silently chanted by my ear. Power cracked in the air and a prickling pain shot out from the back of my hands, cutting right into my heart. The fabric was ripped into shreds, and an inverted pentagram came into full view. He laid a kiss on top of it, the abruptly twisted my arm back with bruising intensity that I was to numb to notice. It hurt, but not as much as what I felt inside.
One year later, if you make me feel that you are "special", then you win. But if I feel that you are nothing to me at all, then I will kill you. "Sei . . . shi . . . rou . . . san . . ."
"I don't feel anything, even when I kill. I first killed when I was fifteen, my victim was the last Sakurazukamori, my mother. I didn't feel anything. Even if her blood dyes the whole sea red, I would still feel nothing, and so is it with the other people I killed after that. Nothing special. I have long ceased to try to tell the difference between 'people' and 'object'. Like this," and with a wet snap, I felt shards of bones embedding into my flesh, "To me, breaking your arm is identical to breaking a glass, as corpses are to trash, they are all the same. Perhaps to some degree, this mind set is rather suitable for he Sakurazukamori."
"Sei . . . Seishirou . . . san . . ." How could you say that? It's not the same! The Seishirou-san I knew would never say that! Never! Never . . . It was all a lie . . . If so, you would never have treated me that well . . .
"So I made that 'bet'. If I meet with you again, I will use one year to try to make myself feel that you are 'special'. And in that year, I will pretend to 'like' you, then approach you with that attitude. To stay by your side, watching you, protecting you. If you really make me feel that you are 'special', that you are different from an 'object', then I won't kill you. But looks like it's not working."
Not, it couldn't be true. Maybe . . . maybe if I close my eyes, ten I would wake up to discover that this had all been a bad dream. But a sudden pressure on my broken arm jolted me awake. Pain, the sole anchor that held me to this reality in the illusion, something that I couldn't help but feel, and would never let me go. It hurt, not because of the physical pain I was enduring, but because it was him inflicting the pain. There was no way I could deny this reality anymore.
Truth wasn't always beautiful, and sometimes it hurt more than denial, so those people who chose to hide weren't always stupid. They were all just too tired.
"I still feel nothing, even when I see you in so much pain. To me, this isn't much different from kicking a pebble on the road."
A bitter and salty taste filed my mouth as I coughed, and blood landed in my bare palm before slipping through my fingers. The last thing I touched before I started wearing gloves was blood, and the first thing I touched when the gloves were removed was also blood. Why was there so much bloodshed in the world? What was blood?
Perhaps it was something that only fell when tears were no longer capable of expressing the extent of sorrow.
"So, I have won this 'bet." Tendrils of sakura branches shot out and pulled me into the trunk of the tree, encasing my body in a horrible and sickening coldness of nothingness. "Why don't you fight back? If you use all your powers to retaliate, then you should be able to break my maboroshi," he said with an amused and a mocking expression.
"Sei . . . shi . . . rou-san . . ." Don't you understand? Because you were you, because you were Sakurazuka Seishirou.
"Why do your eyes contain such sadness? Is it because you feel betrayed by me? This type of thing is extremely common in Tokyo. People betraying each other, it happens absolutely everywhere."
No, he didn't betray me, because the Seishirou-san I loved never existed. How could someone who wasn't even there betray you? I didn't even know the man standing in front of me anymore. But it hurt - no, it was far beyond pain – every bit as much, because it was him. He was Seishirou-san.
"Of course, I don't hate you, but neither do I love you. You are just an 'object' that happens to be there, that's all. Goodbye, Sumeragi Subaru."
A crash resounded, and I fell limply to the hospital floor. It didn't really matter what happened, and would happen next, because he was already gone, and would never be back. I once was afraid of him hating me, but now I knew, hate wasn't the worst. It was nothingness, like how he was then, and how I was now.
Everything was in the past tense, as present and future already ceased to exist.
"Sei . . . Sei . . . shirou . . . san . . . I really was . . . in love with you . . ."
………………………………Part III……………………………
"Seishirou-san! Hokuto-chan! Wait for me!"
"Oi, Subaru-chan, hurry up, or I'll finish eating your favorite pancakes!"
"Don't worry, Subaru-kun, you can have my share."
I laughed and ran towards them. See, Seishirou-san was still here with me, he hadn't disappeared, and he wasn't the Sakurazukamori. They only exist here now, so I wanted to stay here with them.
We settled down under a sakura tree, just like the time when we went to Ueno Park for a picnic. I was so happen then, and I wanted to recapture that. It didn't feel all the same, as if there was still a chunk missing and I couldn't figure out want it was, but this was all I could get now. At least it was better than waking up to the hart reality . . . no, this is now the reality for me.
Suddenly, another sakura tree solidified in front of my eyes. Two figures stood beneath it, the tension thick with hatred and despair. The huge white sleeves of the shikifuku billowed in the air in time with the pink petals, while on the opposite end, the tails of the black suit seemed to control the moments of the petals.
Hokuto-chan . . . Seishirou-san . . . but they were right here, beside me . . . weren't they . . .?
Magic overpowered the tension, as crackles of power gathered on the fingertips of the black figure. They seemed to be saying something, but I was too far away to hear it. The man smiled, a smile so familiar, so wonderful, yet meant nothing at all. It made me want to cry.
The pressure mounted, notch by notch, so intense that it was suffocating. Then with one swift and graceful movement, his hand punctured through her chest. Blood, so round and perfect looking in the air, that even the crystal beads form the broken necklace lost its color. So brilliant that it was sick. I couldn't even move. From horror, or shock . . . or . . .
Why was blood so beautiful? Why could something so cruel be so beautiful? Why . . .
Even before her body could fall to the gourd, her flesh dissipated into sakura petals, gone forever into the wind.
"HOKUTO-CHAN!!" he killed her! He killed her! Give her back! But no matter how far I reached, how fast I ran, I still couldn't get to them. I could only watch, as he turned to smile at me, so cruelly and beautifully, as sakura petals from her body swirled around him. STOP! DON'T SMILE ANYMORE! How could he smile, when his hands were stained with blood, when he had just ended a life?! He had no right to kill . . .
Hokuto-chan was gone, and I could fell apart of me die with her. The part that could make me laugh, that made me believe everything would someday turn out to be fine, that it made me hopeful, that made me happy. All gone. Gone with such an easy action that ended her life.
Why . . . why did he take everything away from me? Why could he take everything away from me?!
"Grandmother, I won't go to school anymore. I will work hard to become even stronger, because right now, I still cannot defeat him," I heard myself say in a voice too quiet and too calm. No more dreams, and no more tears. I was left with nothing but the want for revenge and hated. He made me so.
I hate him. I hate him so much . . .
……………………………………………………………
I had cut my hair. It was unbearable to see her face in the mirror every morning. She died because of me, because I was cowardly hiding within myself, and couldn't even save her. I would rather that he kidded me the time in the hospital, so ht that she won't die to try to protect me. I was weak, wasn't I?
Perhaps that was why Hokuto-chan always wanted me to do something for myself. For myself . . . now all I wanted was revenge. I knew that Grandmother was shattered when I told her I would search for the Sakurazukamori, but this flame of hatred was all I had now, that kept me alive. I couldn't and didn't want to make everyone happy now. There never was a way to do things that would bring happiness to everyone.
I no longer wore the gloves anymore. There was no point.
I started smoking, so that to some extent, I could be equal with him. I didn't want to be weak anymore. I had been so incredibly naïve before that even I myself found it ridiculous when I looked back. If I hadn't been so gullible, so innocent, so weak, then Hokuto-chan won't have died.
Sometimes I wonder if what that little girl said was correct. "People do evil, really, because they are lonely." I wonder if he murdered Hokuto-chan because he was lonely, because the loneliness had already killed him on the inside, had already made him incapable of emotions.
Did he make that 'bet' because he was lonely, and didn't want to be alone anymore?
I guess I would have to ask him someday, the when I had to kill him, when he would finally die because of that loneliness. I would ask him then.
"People do evil, really, because they are lonely."
……………………………………………………………