CHAPTER FOURTEEN: THE QUESTION OF MADNESS
The dash to the Stargate was like a roller coaster, jerking and swaying, up and down, and McKay's view of the world was as disjointed as an old movie reel. He was propped up on the shoulder of this strange, tall woman, and she practically carried him the entire way there. Next thing he knew, they were before the gate, Ford dialing home and the event horizon blossoming into life. Teyla took him from the woman, getting her arm under his shoulder and saying something about coming back for the villagers, about telling them to hide in the Temple or as far from the Wraith as possible. McKay mentioned the pit, tried to warn them about the earthquakes, but no one paid him any mind. Ford was talking rapidly into his radio, taking Sheppard off of the other stranger's shoulder, muscling him into position over his back as Weir lowered the shield.
The two villagers backed away, raising a hand in farewell.
And then they were through the gate.
Then everything became a blur of color and sound, melting together like an impressionist painting. He heard Beckett's voice and Weir's, but not what they were saying. He thought he heard Sheppard's voice, but that didn't seem possible. He heard Ford and Teyla arguing with someone...for something...and then he heard nothing but the rush of wind in his ears and silence.
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Then came the dreams.
McKay dreamt of tunnels and corridors and dead ends, of running around a maze with no way out. He dreamt of ghosts and children and his family. He saw the graves in the pit, in the green grass on the hillside, in the room in his parent's house that his mother wouldn't let them touch. He dreamt of axes and spears and stunners and machine guns. He saw the charge of the French cavalry, their gold helmets flashing in the sun as they spurred them against the dark, ugly German tanks in World War I, the ultimate image of defeat in the face of a greater enemy. He dreamt of green light, surrounding the Wraith, driving it to the ground. He saw the flash of metal as the axe took its head...as he took its head. He dreamt of laughter and voices and the full roar of the children's voices as they finally overcame their fear. He saw Atlantis, sinking into the ocean and rising again. He dreamt of darkness. He dreamt of nothing.
And, like an unwelcome intrusion, a Scottish brogue would drift in and out of his hearing, in dribs and drabs....
"...withdrawal symptoms...."
"...drug in the system, like a hallucinogen. Sent their emotions into high gear. Whatever it was, they were both deeply under its...."
"...what I can, but it'll be a slow...."
"...something inside the Temple, my guess. It's really quite fascinating, as the drug was...."
"...welcome back, Major! Yes, now, calm down. You're all right...."
"...no, he's still not awake, Teyla, but he's on the verge. I can see his eyes moving. Come on, Rodney, you...."
"...wrenched, bruised, amazing it's not completely destroyed. The infection was nasty, but we've pumped him full of antibiotics and...."
"...Samples from the Temple? Wonderful. The ones who fetched these should come see me, so I can make sure they weren't...."
"....No, I don't think so, lieutenant. Either way, he'll not be walking on it , body doesn't want to...."
"...Tara! Help me! The Major's...."
"...Rodney, they're all worried about ya. Why don't you open your eyes, just for a moment? I know you're in there, I can see your heart rate...aww, no, Rodney, don't...."
"...brought them all here? More people for me to tend to, I presume. Highbernian? How funny, sounds almost like the name for ancient...."
"...No, Major, he can't hear you. There's been no change, I'm afraid. The infection in his leg was pervasive and I think...."
"...aware it's not normal, Elizabeth. But I'm hoping...."
"...Thank you Lieutenant, I'm sure it helped. He just doesn't seem to...."
"...in the end. There's no reason for it now. Blood work's normal, he just needs to wake up...."
"...Rodney, come on, now. There's nothing to be afraid of, just open your eyes, please...."
And then he did.
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"There y'are, finally," Carson breathed, looking at the confused eyes blinking up at him. "Thank heaven for that." The medical doctor leaned over him, checking something, then leaned back and patted him on the shoulder. "You're going to be all right now, Rodney. Nothing to be afraid of. Can you hear me okay?"
The self-proclaimed genuis's brow furrowed, not exactly living up to his reputation as he tried to understand where he was and how, but he nodded. Fear of something he couldn't explain coursed through him, though he didn't know why. All he knew was that he didn't like it. He heard the machines around him increase in speed and noise, and Carson patted his arm.
"Listen here, you're home," the doctor promised softly, fiddling with something else. "Everyone's home and everyone's all right. The major's just to your right there, and he's doing fine. You can see he's sleeping now." McKay's eyes slid to the right, looking in that direction, just able to see the lump that had to be Sheppard on the next bed. Carson smiled again when the eyes returned, "He's better n' you, thanks to that mess you made of your leg. He said you got it saving his life though, so I suppose I can forgive you." The doctor rested a hand on his shoulder, which was rippling with tension, and Beckett's face took on a serious expression. "Rodney, listen, you're emotions are a little helter skelter right now, but it'll pass. I can see you're scared, but you have to believe me now. It's all right. Everything's all right, do you understand?"
Rodney stared back at him, knowing that the wetness he felt in his eyes or the tremors running through him were not going to just go away. Carson continued to pat his arm, talking, but his words were swirling away. A single tear leaked out the side of his left eye, and he felt it leave a streak down the left side of his face, ending up on his ear, before falling off. He blinked, willing it to stop. Wishing it to stop. He closed his eyes, to hide.
"Okay," Beckett sighed, as Rodney's eyes shut, "you rest. But you're safe now. You're safe."
"He going to be all right?" Sheppard croaked, coughing a little as he turned his head towards where Beckett stood over Rodney's bed. The doctor sighed in response, then shrugged.
"I think so. He's a bit jiggered," Beckett tapped his skull, "as you were, but we'll talk him back down to earth."
The Major smiled, "You mean, back down to Atlantis."
Carson smiled thinly, "Aye. I suppose I do. He'll probably open his eyes and wake more often. He'll join back in with us when he's ready, when he can make sense of everything. Just takes time." And with a smile, Beckett took one more look at the machines, and then walked away.
Sheppard stay awake a while longer, watching McKay sleep.
Jiggered....it was a good word.
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"The Wraith burnt everything we left behind," a woman's voice was saying, "everything we ever had, destroyed." Rodney didn't recognize the voice, though the brogue underlying it reminded him a little of Carson's.
"What about the Temple?" Sheppard's voice asked.
"They appear to have left that alone. Just as they left the bodies of those Wraith guards you killed to rot. They seem to have no interest in the dead." There was a coldness to her tone. "Not that the Temple has any value in any event. It tells the history of our ancestors, holds the ghosts of the people we used to be, but otherwise...."
"Speaking of the Wraith," that was Ford's voice, "how did you take down those four guards, sir?"
"I told you already, Ford, I don't know. I have a vague recollection of taking down two of them, but McKay must have gotten the other two."
"Yeah, but, two of them were headless. I mean, that's just...we saw no weapon that could do that. No sword, no axe, nothing."
"Well, like I said, we never had anything like that. Just our guns and a stick McKay found which he used as a cane."
"Not a stick," Rodney whispered, opening his eyes.
"Hey!" Ford sounded oddly ebullient, "He's awake!"
Rodney blinked a little, and found himself looking up at the grinning lieutenant, "Hey, Doctor McKay! How are you feeling?" The young man looked as bright and honest as always. McKay couldn't resist a small smile in return. He opened his mouth to answer, then started coughing.
Next thing he knew, he felt the coolness of a glass being pressed to his bottom lip and someone had their hand behind his neck, lifting his head up. Water dribbled down his throat, and it was wonderful.
Ford took the glass away, smiling some more. "Better?"
"Yes," he said softly, "Thank you."
"Can't believe I'd be happy to hear your voice," Sheppard said cheekily, from somewhere off to his right. "And I think I owe you some thanks again." McKay tilted his head in that direction, and found Major Sheppard sitting cross-legged on the bed next to him. He had a deck of cards in his hand and was shuffling them, but he was grinning at Rodney. Sitting next to him was a woman with the most incredible head of blond hair he'd ever seen. It crowned her head like a lion's mane, or maybe a witch's broom, though clips suggested she had tried to pin it back. Green eyes lit up at the sight of him, and she patted Sheppard's knee once before jumping off the cot.
"Hi," she greeted, "Remember me, do ya? I lugged you back to the Gate on my home world."
He shook his head, "No...sorry."
"S'all right," she grinned, "didn't much expect ya to. I'm Scathach."
"Doctor McKay," he gave a polite smile, then looked back at Sheppard. "What happened?"
"Ah, well, funny thing," the major rubbed at his head, "you remember the Temple?"
McKay nodded, "Unfortunately."
"Right, well, remember how you thought the slimy stuff on the walls might be causing us to see things?"
McKay frowned, "Yeah."
"Well, you were right," Beckett's voice said, from the other side of McKay's bed. The scientist tilted his head in the other direction, to find Beckett standing directly over him. "Took you on a bit of a magic carpet ride, if you get my meaning."
McKay frowned, "What?"
"You and the major were suffering from being drugged, essentially, by a very powerful hallucinogen." He made a show of staring at a monitor next to Rodney's bedside, "I think I've managed to get it out of both of your systems, but you had the joy of not only breathing it in like the major, but also getting it in your bloodstream due to the damage to your leg." He frowned at something, clicking his tongue, "And you're still not as well as I'd like."
"Hallucinogen?"
"Just like you thought," Sheppard nodded.
"But," McKay frowned, "how...how much...."
"You mean, how much of what we saw was real?"
"Yeah."
"What do you remember?"
Rodney frowned, looking at all of their expectant faces. He focused back on Sheppard, looking for a kindred spirit. "I....you said...I didn't have a stick."
Sheppard frowned, "What?"
"You said, I used a stick as a cane. It wasn't a stick. It was an axe."
The major's eyebrows shot up, "Axe?"
McKay's expression grew bewildered, "You remember. You said, 'now that's an axe,' when I took it down in that oval room."
"I did?" Sheppard looked at Ford. The lieutenant shrugged. McKay's eyes narrowed, agitation growing in his voice at the major's lack of memory.
"It was called," he paused, trying to recall the name, "the Great Axe of Setanta," he frowned, looked towards the blond woman. "It belonged to a warrior of your people. "
She just raised her eyebrows, "And you found that axe in the Temple?"
McKay was really confused now, reading her blank expression, and getting a little scared. He focused back on Sheppard.
"You were there. You must remember!"
"McKay, all I remember is finding you semi-conscious in a room...that might have been oval...scaring ourselves half to death because of some bioluminescent fungus, then wandering around for a while until you found some carvings on a wall that you figured out was a map of the Temple. You got us out. Don't you remember?"
"Map? No, we were...we were led out...the children...."
"Children?"
"Conrad...and the girl, Brigid...Major, you argued with them, remember?"
Sheppard just shook his head, his eyes growing increasingly concerned. Then the eyes lifted, probably to look at Beckett over McKay's shoulder.
"Many times I've wandered the halls of the Temple when I was a child," Scathach said quietly. "I know it so well, I could make my way around it blind. There is no oval room, and there is no axe."
"He's needs his rest," Beckett said calmly. "I think, perhaps, we should...."
"I beheaded two Wraith guards with it," McKay said sharply, sitting up a little. He felt Beckett lay a hand on his chest, but he wouldn't let himself be pushed back down yet. "How could I do that without a weapon like an axe?"
Ford pursed his lips, and looked towards Sheppard. The major was shaking his head.
"Two of them were beheaded, sir," Ford said quietly.
"I don't know about that, Ford," Sheppard hissed, "But I would have remembered an axe, don't you think?" The major was sitting stick straight now, staring hard at McKay, "So what happened to it?"
"I...left it. Inside the entrance. I couldn't carry you both."
Sheppard blushed then, which was a surprising look.
"There was no axe inside that entrance," Teyla's voice said, quietly. McKay nearly jumped out of his skin, and the monitors showed an increase in the already quickened heart rate. Beckett made a soothing noise as McKay peered down at his feet. Teyla stood there, leaning against the end of his bed. How long had she been there?
"He's still not well," Scathach said, looking over at Beckett.
"Aye," the doctor pressed harder on Rodney's chest, lying him back down. "It'll all come back more clearly, Rodney, just give it time."
"No, I'm not crazy! It couldn't...it couldn't have...." McKay was staring up at Beckett, confusion clear in his eyes. "I didn't make it all up...."
"Of course not, Rodney." Beckett patted his shoulder, "You'll figure it out. Just rest now."
"No, Carson, I...saw them...the children...I promised...." Rodney closed his eyes, finding them very heavy all of a sudden, "I promised...not to forget...."
"I know," the Scottish voice promised as the blue eyes closed, "I know."
And Rodney fell back asleep. Sheppard watched him for a few moments, then glanced up at Beckett, then into the eyes of the others.
"He's just...a little confused."
Teyla frowned, and looked at Ford. They heard the tremor in Sheppard's voice, even though he was trying to hide it. Something had changed.
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Sheppard followed the dark-skinned doctor as he wandered about the infirmary, turning down lights and talking softly with the nurses. The major was trying to listen to the conversations, or at least trying to read their lips, hoping desperately to hear one of them use that doctor's name. Beckett had called him, "boy-o" at one point, which was seriously unhelpful in his current quest, and he thought Tara had called him Hawthorne, but turned out they were talking about one of the books she'd brought to Atlantis with her.
It was maddening. He'd had whole conversations with the man now, even shared a table with him a few times in the mess, but not once had the man's name come up.
He was determined to find out the man's name. If it was the last thing he....
"Hey," a voice called softly to him.
Sheppard turned, his eyes lighting up to see Rodney watching him. The scientist was pushing himself up on his elbows, trying to prop himself up, his face a contortion of pain as he tried to shift his aching legs.
"Hey," the major replied softly, "you awake again?"
"Seems that way, though one never knows," came the cryptic reply. McKay grunted, as he pushed himself further up on the bed. His left leg was numb and useless, while his right leg just throbbed.
"Wanna hand?" Sheppard asked, twisting to throw off his blanket.
"No," McKay huffed, "I got it." And, sure enough, the pillow got puffed and McKay was sitting partially up. He settled back with a heavy sigh, propped his arms behind his head, and stared up at the ceiling. After a moment, he sighed again, his face darkening.
Sheppard grimaced, knowing where the man's thoughts were headed and wanting to stop him. He leaned over.
"Hey McKay."
"Yeah?"
"You, uh, do you know that doctor's name?" he gestured towards the dark-skinned doctor, who was currently talking to what looked like another female doctor on the other side of the room. "The guy, I mean."
McKay looked in that direction, then back at Sheppard, a strange look on his face, "You don't his name?"
"Well," the major waved a hand about, "It's not so much that I don't know it, exactly...."
He looked back at Rodney, and grimaced to see the grin on his face. McKay arched an eyebrow.
"Well I'm not going to tell you," he said smugly. "You'll just have to figure it out on your own."
Sheppard nodded, sneering a little. He should have expected that. "Thanks a lot."
"No problem." McKay leaned back again, and his expression returned to neutral. Sheppard thought about sleeping, decided he wasn't tired yet, and looked back again at Rodney. The neutral expression was gone. McKay's brow was furrowed, the slight pinch in his forehead and the tensed jaw sure signs that the man was thinking again about the planet.
"You know, he's letting us both go tomorrow," Sheppard informed him, still trying to distract the other man's thoughts. "It's night now, so I'm thinking maybe eight more hours in these awful beds."
"I know. I heard Beckett tell you that. I just didn't open my eyes."
The major nodded, "Been doing that a lot?"
"No...yes...I don't know. Everything's a bit of a jumble."
"Don't I know it."
"How can you not remember that axe?"
It was delivered harshly, almost like an accusation. McKay's blue eyes shifted to stare at Sheppard for a second, before focusing back on the ceiling.
The major grimaced, looking down at the blanket on his bed as he pulled it back over his legs. "Was it...a double headed battle axe?" he asked softly.
McKay nearly sat up straight, turning to look at the major with wide open eyes. "You do remember!" he hissed.
"No, no," Sheppard held up his hands, "I mean...sort of. Listen, McKay," Sheppard glanced over at the rest of the infirmary, making sure no one saw them talking, then leaned forward, "What I remember is...well, I didn't want to believe what I remembered. Until you woke up, I was convinced, based on what Beckett told me, that it was all in my head. I had two sets of realities drifting through my head...one of which I had to believe was a hallucination, and the other the reality." He shook his head, "I didn't tell anyone about the first...because, damn it McKay, it sounded...insane, and the second grew in plausibility in my mind. But...hearing what you said, I'm wondering if, maybe...I created the second to avoid accepting the first...."
"But you remember the axe?"
"I...yeah. I think so. It's all a bit of a blur."
"What about," McKay licked his lips, "the children?"
"I don't know, McKay...."
"Come on. You argued with Conrad—"
"Conla."
"Conla about what he was...." Suddenly, it occurred to McKay what Sheppard had just done, "Yes, Conla! That was his name! You—"
"I don't believe in ghosts, McKay."
"I don't care what you believe in! Two people can't share the same delusion, Major. They were there!"
"Shhhh!" Sheppard waved his good hand at McKay, his eyes on the people in the infirmary. He saw Tara looking at them, her expression unhappy. The dark-skinned doctor and the other doctor had disappeared, thank goodness. "Look," he hissed, "Keep it down."
"Great," McKay fell back on his pillows, "just great." But he said it softly.
Sheppard stared at him, reading the flashing eyes and the determined set to the jaw. McKay's left hand was moving, twisting, which the doctor did whenever he was nervous. However resolute the man appeared, there were massive undercurrents of insecurity roiling through him. But, despite all that....
Scathach and Conor had both told him they used to explore the Temple all the time when they were kids, and nothing had ever "scared" them away. Sure they had seen the "green light" but they knew it was the plants. And there were certainly no rooms with weapons in them that they had ever seen. And surely...they would know. Wouldn't they?
And Sheppard had wanted to believe the hallucination theory, to rationalize what had happened, to make it make sense in his head. He had come to believe in the alternate realty he had created. He had found McKay, McKay had brilliantly found a map, and they had gotten out of there. It all made perfect sense!
But he did remember a boy. A thirteen year old boy with a stubborn set to his chin and a determination that reminded Sheppard of himself when he was a kid. And he remembered his name was Conla.
"Major," McKay sighed, his eyes turned to the major again, seeing the war inside the man, "Maybe we were drugged," he admitted softly. "Maybe things were exaggerated, but if you can swear to me, look me in the eye, and swear that you don't remember the children....I'll let it go."
Sheppard grimaced, then, with a sound similar to a "harrumph" he leaned back on his own bed and stared up at the ceiling.
McKay sighed, lowering his eyes to the brace around his left knee, then up at the ceiling. He shut his eyes, trying to hold on to what he had seen....He didn't make it up; he couldn't have...And he'd promised them....He had promised Brigid he would remember....
Do not stand by my grave and cry
I am not there; I did not die.
But deep down, both men were worried about the same thing. They were both deathly afraid that the others would think they were losing their minds....Or worse, that they actually were....
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To be concluded in the next chapter....