Wake

Tension is building inside steadily
(Everyone feels so far away from me)
Heavy thoughts forcing their way out of me
(Trying not to break but I'm so tired of this deceit)
(Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet)
(All I ever think about is this)
(All the tiring time between)
(And how trying to put my trust in you just takes so much out of me

Toru sat by his window; his room was very messy no one could tell what's scattered anymore. He was, as always, thinking of his life. His life? He thought he had no life. If he had, it would be as messed up as his room right now. He hadn't proved anything to anyone, even to himself, even after this long a time.

He spat.

Just because of that damn Kenji Fujima, the only person who treated him as a friend. But he was never grateful. Never. Actually, he never wanted it. He resented it with all the days he lived. He hated Fujima, period.

Of all the years of his existence, that would be exactly 16 years to date, he always dwelled under Fujima's shadow, under that perfect boy's shadow. Fujima always bested him in everything they did, and Toru always stood second. At school, that boy was the only one liked. He was the very amicable smart kid everybody was fond of. Schoolmates only knew the name Toru Hanagata because of the name Kenji Fujima. Nobody knew him for him. Even at basketball--which is most unacceptable to him, for his pride soared higher than the sky. He was simply a great player, but he was never the best. He did not know why, but he still stood second. Second to that damn Fujima.

Knock, knock.

"Toru-kun?"

Speaking of the devil.

"Yo."

The door opened to a smiling Kenji, who wore a mask of innocence and beautiful perfection. His bright expression angered Toru more.

"Why 'ya here?" The taller boy asked, rather roughly, his face in a mild scowl. Somehow he couldn't show his anger straightaway to his friend, because somehow he felt the innocent kindness Kenji has always showed in spite of his growing hatred.

The boy almost tripped over the messy floor. "Eh, I just wanted to see how you are doing on your birthday, is that so bad?" Ken was still smiling.

"I'm not sick." Toru muttered, his gaze returning to the view outside his window.

The smaller boy walked nearer to where his friend sat, carefully making his way without tripping again. "Toru-kun, you don't look so good."

"Don't call me that." He said coldly, annoyed.

The smile faded away for a second, but came back. "Oh really? Toru, Toru, Toru, Toru…" He sang cheerfully.

Toru glared at the other boy in annoyance. "I said don't call me that."

The smile couldn't help but go away. It hurt. This was definitely not the Toru Hanagata he used to know. Now the smile won't come back anymore. There was something wrong.

"What's wrong?" Kenji asked, his gentle face now a mask of seriousness, his playful voice now a real man's voice as he sat by the ledge beside Toru.

"You don't fucking care."

Now the beautiful boy couldn't extend his patience anymore. Why does Toru need to curse at him anyway? "Why are you so mad at me!" He almost shouted as he stood up from his seat and settled at a brief distance.

"You wanna know why I'm so mad at you! I'm mad at you because you are you!" The taller boy shouted. Ken tried not to flinch but failed. Toru stood up and grabbed him by both arms, shaking him like a helpless child. "You always had everything!" Ken just squinted his eyes in horror. "Why do you keep on befriending me! Is this how you wanna humiliate me, right at the face!"

"What are you—"

Then Toru stopped and sat back by the window. Composure. "Just—just go away." He said, his face twitched in a picture of disgust. He could not believe himself for breaking down like that.

But Kenji did not move at all. He just stood there, gazing at his friend with welling blue eyes. He was sad for Toru and his predicament, and guilty for the misery he had been giving his friend unconsciously.

"Don't look at me like that. I told you, go away."

Not an inch.

Tic…tock…tic…tock…

"Do whatever you want." The boy's face and voice had faded away. Ken stood up straight, his chin tilted upward not in arrogance but in dignity, his eyes closed in acceptance. Just for forgiveness.

Toru turned to look. That look of peace in his friend's face, like a man about to be executed. He did not speak for he did not understand.

"I'm sorry if I did anything to make you end up like this. If you're really that mad, I'll accept anything you will do. I'm sorry."

"Anything…" The black-haired boy whispered as he stood up from his refuge. He stood face to face with the brown-haired boy. "Anything…" He whispered again.

"Yes." Kenji replied calmly, as his eyes remained closed.

Toru eyed the smaller boy from head to foot. Beautiful chocolate hair, perfectly curved eyebrows, face a mixture of feminine and masculine beauty, thick lashes, flawless porcelain skin, thick pink lips. A body with a perfect mix of capacity for dominance and graceful perfection. He really was perfect, the great alpha male.

He spat.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked softly yet forcefully, his face very close to the other, his breath blowing gently at the beautiful face.

"I'm sorry."

Anger. Chance. Humiliation. Revenge.

Large, strong hands framed Ken's sweet face firmly as Toru kissed him violently. The beautiful boy's eyes were still closed as he was dumped into the bed. He did not move to open his eyes; he did not do anything at all. He was scared.

"You will know how you humiliate me."

Kenji started trembling at those words. He kept his eyes shut tight for he was afraid of what his eyes will show him. He felt his friend jump on top of him, and felt the strength as his clothes were ripped off him. He flinched a little as he felt the cold winter air against his skin.

The violent way he was kissed again made his lips ache. He felt his friend's tongue push through his taut lips, and he just opened them unwillingly, letting in a wrestle inside his mouth. He squinted his eyes. Then it stopped.

"Look at me." He heard Toru's deep voice say. He did not open his eyes. "I said look at me." Frightened at the thundering tone, he did as he was told. He looked at Toru's eyes. He couldn't help but be overwhelmed with the anger and hatred he saw in them.

He threw his head back, his mouth opened to let out a strangled cry in sudden pain as he felt Toru forcibly penetrate his body in one full blow, tearing soft flesh as he did. A line of tears couldn't help but escape from his squinted eyes. His knuckles were white against the bedclothes as the pain repeated itself upon him.

"Look at me." Toru commanded. But Kenji could not open his eyes in pain. "Look…at…me…" He repeated, his breath a forceful whisper as he thrust so hard the bed slammed constantly against the wall. The music it created was his anger's requiem.

The poor boy looked at his friend's eyes, his own azure ones begging for mercy as he cried in forced silence. The pain was unbearable, both in his body and deeper. Toru looked back at him with all his loathing, his smile was of retribution.

Ken felt to helpless. He felt so dirty. He felt to alone and worthless. What has he done to deserve this?

Toru tightened his grip on his friend's frail shoulders as he released his anger inside him, then all was still. He pulled out, and all he saw was blood. Crimson against white sheets and splattered on his skin. He had drawn blood from the boy. He rolled onto the other side of the bed and closed his eyes in exhaustion, a bitter smile pasted on his face.

Kenji was curled up in a fetal position; his back facing the other boy as tears silently escaped his eyes. Pain. And more pain.

The black-haired boy stood up and proceeded to his bathroom, leaving his wasted friend alone on his bed. He looked back and saw his crime. His victory. He smiled cynically. It was such a beautiful sight.

He came back from the bathroom after a few minutes and returned to sit beside Ken on the bed. He glanced at the poor boy's back that was facing him. Yes, this is what he wanted. To humiliate his friend in the worst way, the worst way to humiliate any alpha male, or any man for that matter, was to bend his masculinity with defeat. But he did not feel contented. He wanted him to suffer more.

Kenji Fujima cried himself to sleep that night, beside the man who caused his weakness and pain. He chose to do this. He would not turn back.

Toru woke up the next morning with the steamy smell of coffee coming from a mug on the bedside table. Ken was not there and his room was not like when he last saw it the night before. Everything was back in its proper place. The stained bedclothes were not there either.

You couldn't change my mind with this. Not until you tell me to stop when you can't bear it anymore.

At school, Kenji Fujima was still his same old self to others. But seeing him like that only made Toru smirk every single time. The damn boy might be still the same to everybody, but Toru knew the difference. It pleased him but angered him as well. He wanted Ken to show to everybody what he felt like after his worst humiliation. But he didn't. Because the boy wanted himself to know that he had accepted it, and he would proudly stand behind his choice like a man. He would not falter, nor pretend. It disgusted Toru, but more than that, it motivated him into more pain infliction.

Neither wanted to give up.

tsuzuku-