Disclaimer: I don't own zip. Just the fic. Please don't sue me, I'm just a teenager, and the only thing I could pay you with is crazy hair colour dyes. Unless you really want blue hair…
A/N: Um…is my story perverted or is it the characters who are perverted? I thought a perverted story would be one with a perverted plot like a guy who's obsessed with sex who tries to take pictures of naked people (what do ya know? That sounds like Carl!). I dunno. Maybe I'm being paranoid.
Also, no offence to any gay people it's just GAYbe sounded so hilarious and it was the only thing I could think of.
And anyone think I should do an update mailing list?
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Toward Dawn
Chapter Three - OH! Yessss…..GAYbe!
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"Carl. I'm not in love with you. I'm sorry if I've broken your heart and hurt you so badly, but I'm not attracted to men at all. You know I've never been with a woman. Not that I can't get a woman, there was Anna, though unfortunately, I never slept with her because of her death that's my fault. That may have led you to believe things about me…questions of what sex I'm aroused by. But I can honestly say, I prefer women over men. You're the only good friend I have - that's still alive - and we've been close friends for years. I watched you grow up through your adolescent years with the acne, facial and other areas of hair, wet dreams, and advice about the cold water trick, and everything. You're just really like a brother to me. And I don't have sex with someone that's similar to a brother to me. That would feel like incest to me and frankly, I don't know how men have sex, and I really do NOT want to know either. It's not good to have relationships with your co-workers and partners, too. A perfect example would be of Anna and me. Especially in this line of work," Gabriel said softly, trying to offer some comfort to Carl and explain himself clearly so Carl wouldn't be infatuated with him anymore. How Carl could find him attractive baffled him. Men were just…men. Nothing new. Women were…more exciting and got your heart beat racing…and they had boobs. A smile threatened to cross his face as he thought dreamily of how Anna would've looked naked -
[You're pitiful and distorted, Gabriel. You're not attracted to women. You're attracted to their breasts. As long as I'm in your head, I really don't want to know of your sexual day dreams. Don't dream, think, speak of it. There are just some things your enemies do not need to know.]
Don't tell me you don't think of a woman's chest, Gabriel thought.
[Not as often as you do, fortunately.]
That's a shame, Gabriel thought, smirking, who's gay again? Oh right, supposedly that's me. Oh, looks like wittle Dracoo (A/N: "oo" like the end of moo) is confused with his sexuality. Aaaaahhhh! Would you like to see one of Carl's pictures of me to decide if you're gay or -
[NOOOO! That WON'T be necessary! I know I'm "normal" so no. Keep those - those - THINGS of you - far AWAY from me! I will yell and give you a migraine headache if you dare blind me with them!]
Do shut up, you've been giving me a migraine since I've made the terrible discovery of you living inside my head. Why was it you that had to come back in existence and torment me? Why couldn't it have been Aleera, that red head of yours or the blonde, Marishka? At least there would've been tits involved!
[The one with the biggest breasts was Marishka and do you ever shut up? All you think of is breasts, nakedness, and etc. Talk of something else for once.]
Because thinking of women is a hell lot more interesting than talking to you.
[Excuse me, but I'm obviously a hell lot more interesting if I can have so many as three wives than you, who has never even KISSED a woman before I bet.]
At least I don't bribe women to marry me!
[I never bribed any of my wives. They considered me a sex god and came willingly to me.]
Yeah, ok. Whatever…Dracoo.
[SHUT UP!]
Van Helsing mentally gasped, then began mentally breathing hard, and trying to sound like Aleera, Marishka, or Verona during an orgasm.
[What in the name of - QUIT IT! AGH! I GET THE POINT! VAN HELSING! YOU PERVERTED ILL BRED INSANE ARSEHOLE! QUIT WITH THE MOANING AND BREATHING!]
Gabriel didn't listen though to him, leading to Dracula to start yelling in hopes of giving Gabriel a migraine headache. Unfortunately for Gabriel, he hadn't realized he began moaning and breathing hard outside his head.
"Oooooooooooooh………yesssss……..uuuuuuuuuuh…....uuuuu-ooooooh," Gabriel said at last, noticing that Carl was gaping at him and had his cross and holy water out in front of him. Carl's eyes were opened wide and big and were staring at Gabriel as if he was possessed which as Gabriel thought more about it, Carl probably thought he was.
"DEMON!" Carl yelled waving his cross in front of Gabriel's face and squirting holy water all over him, continued in a booming voice. "BE GONE IN THE NAME OF GOD!"
"CARL!" Gabriel yelled grabbing the cross and holy water from the somewhat insane friar that thought he could cut his own hair. "I AM NOT POSSESSED!"
"BUT YOU WERE MOANING DRACULA'S NAME!" Carl howled angrily, trying to beat Gabriel up, which was in vain. "YOU SOUNDED POSSESSED AND YOU PROBABLY ARE! WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE SOUNDING LIKE YOU WERE HAVING AN ORGASIM WITH A VAMPIRE THAT YOU LOATHE AND HATE? DEMON BE GONE, I COMMAND YOU IN THE NAME OF GOD!"
"I was uh - uh - thinking of Anna - and then - uh - uh - Marishka - and - uh - don't you think Marishka's breasts are quite big? Yeah, they're like triple the size of our normal apples we eat everyday and they stick out," Gabriel began showing how big they were and how far they stuck out, "like that much. They almost popped out of her top because they were so humongous!"
Carl blinked. "I don't think you're gay anymore. That's certain," Gabriel smiled at that but frowned when Carl said, "but I think you should have a talk with Cardinal Jinette for guidance for your uh - "needs"."
Gabriel snorted and was about to walk off and leave the room when a young priest that was rail thin and tall sprinted to Gabriel, crashing into the monster slayer. Gabriel yelled from the pain and shock. He had cushioned the man's fall and had bruises all over his sore and aching body. The priest like Carl was nervous and frightened. His eyes looked like they were about to pop and out and the priest was red in the face with mortification.
My ass…Gabriel thought pitifully.
[Uuuuugh. First it was an orgasim. Now it's your ass. This never ends.]
No, you're immortal, remember? Gabriel mocked, imitating Dracula when he had said that to him.
[I think it was better when you were pretending to be a woman during intercourse having an orgasim. At least you weren't mimicking me. And Gabriel, how did it go with having a man on top of you? Did you have a sudden urge or tingly sensation down there? A cold bath works wonders…GAYbe.]
"Van Helsing!" the priest cried. "This is an emergency! Cardinal Jinette needs to see you immediately!"
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TBC