Frozen

I've become so numb
I can't feel you there
Become so tired
So much more aware
I'm becoming this
All I want to do
Is be more like me
And be less like you

"How are you?"

"How are you my ass." Toru replied sarcastically as always, as he dumped his bag onto the couch.

Ken had come "home" ahead of Toru today after persuading Kaworu that he had 'important' things to do. "Dinner." He said as he hung the apron on the counter wall. He had just finished cooking dinner for Toru. The whole household smelled like a happy day, but Toru didn't give a fuck as always. It's almost funny to think that Ken has always been the one to arrange big boy Toru's things and prepare his meals everyday. He he. Big boy Toru.

---

"Do you remember me?"

Toru called Ken's name once more as he ran barefooted on the beach.

"I tried to kill the pain…"

He called once again. He stopped when he saw Ken standing a distance from him, where the water was as deep as his knees.

"I'm tired…"

Toru started to walk towards the boy. To his surprise, as his feet touched the foam, he couldn't move anymore.

"Will you forget me?"

Ken had a sad look on his face and his eyes as he looked at Toru from where he was standing.

"Will you find yourself without me?"

The boy started walking farther onto the sea. Toru called to him once again. Ken looked back.

"I tried to help, Toru… I really tried…"

Ken walked and walked. Toru wanted to run to him and stop him, calling his name over and over, but he disappeared with the waves. The sea has taken him away.

Toru woke up to the jammed rumbling of his chest and his rib-ripping breathing. He sat there on his bed, trying to catch up with what just woke him up. Somehow in the middle of his immobility, the back of his mind expected familiar hands to touch him, arms to hold him and a sweet concerned voice, bleary from just-sleep but wide awake nevertheless, to ask him what the problem was. It took him a few seconds to realize that what he'd been expecting was taking long, so he glanced at the other side of the bed where he left that boy wasted, where that boy should be sleeping right now.

White. It was supposed to be flesh.

The tall man sprung from his bed almost simultaneously, draped his robe haphazardly on his body and tried to look for any signs of Ken anywhere in his room. A piece of paper set on his bedside table caught his attention. Some of the ink was smudged, but the letters could be made out.

It has been a year, Toru. I'm sorry I failed you.

Shit. What is this?

Lights.

He shot at the bathroom door with edgy steps, trying to try a reasoning game with his mind while he did so. He didn't know why he was so nervous this time. There were so many possibilities. And he thought he didn't give a fuck. But his body shouted otherwise.

The bathroom door swung open.

"Ken… "

--tsuzuku