I tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
I lay dying
and I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
Do you remember me
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
Or will you forget me
I'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved
Am I too lost?
Ken lay curled on his side of the bed, where Toru left him wasted, where he should be sleeping. He was crying and feeling the same pathetic things again. Just like the first night.
And it has been 365 days after that night.
It was pointless. They weren't going anywhere. And Ken was guilty.
At first, he had decided to be the 'bitch' because Toru was mad at him. He wanted to be forgiven. That was at first. He realized why he wanted that forgiveness. Because Toru was so wrapped up in his own little dark world, and Ken wanted him to see the light. How?
He wanted him to be free of that bitterness he had been trying to blame the world for. Ken knew Toru was misguided. There was no fault done. His life as a kid all the way when he grew up, his feeling of loneliness, was the reason he felt so trashed. He just refused to know that reality and tried to blame everything that bitterness had done to him to everyone. Just so happens there was no 'everyone' but Ken. So he tried to blame him for the sake of hiding from his own confusion, but there was no one to blame. It was nobody's fault and Ken knew that. He was innocent.
And he still pulled through that pain for Toru, sacrificed his existence, bore the humiliation. He thought he could change the way he thought of the world someday with that. He thought Toru would see the pointlessness of his actions as well.
Because he loved him.
But he can't take anymore of the pain, more than physical pain, the pain of failure. And he was so tired he couldn't continue anymore of this nonsense. It wasn't helping Toru at all.
He shakily stood up from the silky comfort of the blanket, walked barefooted against the frozen ground. He stopped at the bedside table and scribbled something, the crystalline drops of his tears staining the small piece of paper. He continued towards the bathroom, where the ground was even colder. He closed the door and opened the mounted cabinet just as soundlessly. There he found what he needed.
He turned the water on the tub, the water unbearably cold like liquid ice because of winter, but he bore it anyway. It was even colder than the last time, and it numbed him completely in an instant. His breath came in and out in short, trembling gasps because of the insufferable cold.
But still, the feelings didn't leave.
He stared at the gleaming piece of metal in his hand before he plunged it down his skin. He cut down, not across, on the inside of his left forearm, not across his wrist. Because he meant to die.
And even as the tub filled with his blood, the feelings still persisted.
His consciousness was fading instead...
--tsuzuku