Fallen
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
To his surprise, Ken woke up.
He didn't know where he was, as he could only make out hazy white obscurity all around his eyes. He tried to stir for a moment, a half of his mind wondering and the other half looking for angels or fire or something that would mean afterlife.
Blink, blink.
He tried to move, but to his dismay, he can't. His arms, his hands, even his fingers. It took a while for the sense of touch to come back to his skin, and not long after it did he felt warmth by his arm. The thought of his immobility escaped his mind at that moment, and the monstrous effort to rise from the bed turned out resulting a very slight shudder.
"Ken?"
The boy hardly made out the sound of his name; moreover recognize the voice that had said it. He tried to speak, but a strangled sigh was all that was heard.
He tried again. "Kaworu..?" He muttered weakly.
Toru closed his eyes for a breath, feeling the cold air piercing his lungs. "No Ken. It's Toru."
A faint smile formed on Ken's totally pale lips. "Hanagata... it's nice to know you're here."
Big warms hands squeezed a limp, cold one, the moment he heard Ken speak again. He hid his face under his hands. He couldn't explain what he felt when he heard the tone of the boy's soft, groggy voice. He really didn't know, but he wanted to die right then and there. He really wanted to.
"I...I'm sorry, Ken..." He managed to mutter.
"I'm the one who should be sorry...it was so much trouble for you to bring me here..."
Toru was speechless. Trouble? He could've died and he was worrying about that fucking trouble??
"...You should have just gone back to bed..." Ken continued, his lifeless blue eyes locked with glistening black ones as he smiled faintly again.
Toru could've sworn his brain interpreted the words 'Your interest is more important than my life, right?' The tall man cannot quite comprehend what he felt sliding down his cheeks.
"As soon as I can manage, I promise I'll make it up for the trouble..." There was hopelessness in his voice, like the pain of accepting the cruel reality that he had been saved from sure death, as he already accepted the will-be consequences of his 'wrong' actions. Toru's consequences to be exact.
Ken expected Toru's unknowingness or misunderstanding of him and his reasons as always. Again.
But really, the truth had dawned on Toru's consciousness. Ken had been going through all this, had been trying to live up to him knowing that he had no reason to do so. He just wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to find himself and take a direction. And what did he do? He ignored the truth in front of him, forced himself not to see for the denial of defeat.
Since the beginning, it was about his pride all along.
He knew he didn't want Aoyama to take Ken away from him, he knew. What did he do? He lied even to himself because he didn't want to admit 'lowliness' to the two persons he looked down upon, so he pretended to take the thing as 'possessiveness' for his 'toy'. Possessiveness? He was scared to be alone, without that one person who made him feel in control. Pride.
He knew he was lost. What did he do? He redirected his anger for his confusion to the whole world, to Ken, just because he found a blind reason. He didn't want to admit that he needed help. Pride once and again.
And now what happened? Ken almost died because of his idiocy and egocentricity. Damn that. And who was Ken to him now? He was a savior. Ken had saved him from himself. And he had to risk his life just to do it. Why is Ken like this? Why did he have to do it? Why was he like this? So selflessly willing, even giving up his dignity, his whole being--
"Stop it!"
Ken was startled. "...Hanagata...?"
"Stop it, Ken...please stop being like this..."
Ken was even more startled to see Toru break down and surrender to tears.
"...Why are you crying...?" The boy muttered in utmost confusion.
"I almost killed you...hate me...hate me!" Toru sounded pathetic and he knew that, but he didn't bother care. He doesn't even know where he already was. Hate me...because I hate myself.
Azure eyes stared at the crumpled figure by his side, lost between sadness and happiness. He got it now. Toru made it. He did it. Finally, he smiled, but did not speak.
"Why are you smiling...? I ruined you! Look at you! I did that to you!"
And then the air became filled with still uneasiness and silent calmness at the same time.
"I love you, Toru." Ken uttered weakly, his head turned away from the other man, facing the draped windows that shielded the room from the blackness of night. He was smiling, and his eyes were soft. He knew this from the very beginning, and it can't be denied. Can't be hidden. Toru needed an explanation, and this was it. So simple, yet so hard to understand.
Yes, this was the ultimate reason. Four words explained a whole year of angst and agony.
"I...I don't want you to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt you anymore, Ken."
Ken looked at Toru and smiled. "Happy birthday, Toru-kun."
---
Kaworu didn't show up for days, weeks, months, he didn't even know what happened to Ken. Turns out that his father, the coach, became sick. And then it turns out that it was only half a month before the start of final four rounds for InterHigh qualifications. Turns out they didn't have a coach and a manager as well. Turns out they manage to make it to the InterHigh, second to Kainan. Turns out that the player named Kenji Fujima, just half-fresh from the hospital, became manager and coach as well, not to mention pointguard and aceplayer. Sure to be future-captain.
Yippee.
The ex-manager showed up at the finals game between Kainan and Shoyo, just watched at the highest bleachers. Ken waved at him and he smiled back. The end of the match was the last that Ken and Toru ever saw Kaworu Aoyama.
--tsuzuku
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would
If I could change I would take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could stand up and take the blame I would
I would take all my shame to the grave
To his surprise, Ken woke up.
He didn't know where he was, as he could only make out hazy white obscurity all around his eyes. He tried to stir for a moment, a half of his mind wondering and the other half looking for angels or fire or something that would mean afterlife.
Blink, blink.
He tried to move, but to his dismay, he can't. His arms, his hands, even his fingers. It took a while for the sense of touch to come back to his skin, and not long after it did he felt warmth by his arm. The thought of his immobility escaped his mind at that moment, and the monstrous effort to rise from the bed turned out resulting a very slight shudder.
"Ken?"
The boy hardly made out the sound of his name; moreover recognize the voice that had said it. He tried to speak, but a strangled sigh was all that was heard.
He tried again. "Kaworu..?" He muttered weakly.
Toru closed his eyes for a breath, feeling the cold air piercing his lungs. "No Ken. It's Toru."
A faint smile formed on Ken's totally pale lips. "Hanagata... it's nice to know you're here."
Big warms hands squeezed a limp, cold one, the moment he heard Ken speak again. He hid his face under his hands. He couldn't explain what he felt when he heard the tone of the boy's soft, groggy voice. He really didn't know, but he wanted to die right then and there. He really wanted to.
"I...I'm sorry, Ken..." He managed to mutter.
"I'm the one who should be sorry...it was so much trouble for you to bring me here..."
Toru was speechless. Trouble? He could've died and he was worrying about that fucking trouble??
"...You should have just gone back to bed..." Ken continued, his lifeless blue eyes locked with glistening black ones as he smiled faintly again.
Toru could've sworn his brain interpreted the words 'Your interest is more important than my life, right?' The tall man cannot quite comprehend what he felt sliding down his cheeks.
"As soon as I can manage, I promise I'll make it up for the trouble..." There was hopelessness in his voice, like the pain of accepting the cruel reality that he had been saved from sure death, as he already accepted the will-be consequences of his 'wrong' actions. Toru's consequences to be exact.
Ken expected Toru's unknowingness or misunderstanding of him and his reasons as always. Again.
But really, the truth had dawned on Toru's consciousness. Ken had been going through all this, had been trying to live up to him knowing that he had no reason to do so. He just wanted him to be happy. He wanted him to find himself and take a direction. And what did he do? He ignored the truth in front of him, forced himself not to see for the denial of defeat.
Since the beginning, it was about his pride all along.
He knew he didn't want Aoyama to take Ken away from him, he knew. What did he do? He lied even to himself because he didn't want to admit 'lowliness' to the two persons he looked down upon, so he pretended to take the thing as 'possessiveness' for his 'toy'. Possessiveness? He was scared to be alone, without that one person who made him feel in control. Pride.
He knew he was lost. What did he do? He redirected his anger for his confusion to the whole world, to Ken, just because he found a blind reason. He didn't want to admit that he needed help. Pride once and again.
And now what happened? Ken almost died because of his idiocy and egocentricity. Damn that. And who was Ken to him now? He was a savior. Ken had saved him from himself. And he had to risk his life just to do it. Why is Ken like this? Why did he have to do it? Why was he like this? So selflessly willing, even giving up his dignity, his whole being--
"Stop it!"
Ken was startled. "...Hanagata...?"
"Stop it, Ken...please stop being like this..."
Ken was even more startled to see Toru break down and surrender to tears.
"...Why are you crying...?" The boy muttered in utmost confusion.
"I almost killed you...hate me...hate me!" Toru sounded pathetic and he knew that, but he didn't bother care. He doesn't even know where he already was. Hate me...because I hate myself.
Azure eyes stared at the crumpled figure by his side, lost between sadness and happiness. He got it now. Toru made it. He did it. Finally, he smiled, but did not speak.
"Why are you smiling...? I ruined you! Look at you! I did that to you!"
And then the air became filled with still uneasiness and silent calmness at the same time.
"I love you, Toru." Ken uttered weakly, his head turned away from the other man, facing the draped windows that shielded the room from the blackness of night. He was smiling, and his eyes were soft. He knew this from the very beginning, and it can't be denied. Can't be hidden. Toru needed an explanation, and this was it. So simple, yet so hard to understand.
Yes, this was the ultimate reason. Four words explained a whole year of angst and agony.
"I...I don't want you to hurt anymore...I don't want to hurt you anymore, Ken."
Ken looked at Toru and smiled. "Happy birthday, Toru-kun."
---
Kaworu didn't show up for days, weeks, months, he didn't even know what happened to Ken. Turns out that his father, the coach, became sick. And then it turns out that it was only half a month before the start of final four rounds for InterHigh qualifications. Turns out they didn't have a coach and a manager as well. Turns out they manage to make it to the InterHigh, second to Kainan. Turns out that the player named Kenji Fujima, just half-fresh from the hospital, became manager and coach as well, not to mention pointguard and aceplayer. Sure to be future-captain.
Yippee.
The ex-manager showed up at the finals game between Kainan and Shoyo, just watched at the highest bleachers. Ken waved at him and he smiled back. The end of the match was the last that Ken and Toru ever saw Kaworu Aoyama.
--tsuzuku