I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
I am 18 today.
Am I still a bad boy?
My life is still a garbage can. I still hate myself, more that ever in fact, but just me. The world had nothing to do with it. I know better now. Thanks to the only person that noticed I existed.
Kenji Fujima.
The one who had me catching up with myself, the one who convinced me to look for a purpose, for my direction. Now, I still can't find it. I'm so trapped in the guilt I brought myself. Eventhough our team qualified for the InterHigh, eventhough we've proven something, eventhough I felt like I've done something now...those things...all those things that happened, those things I did...all just before I turned 17...I can't. I just can't.
Guilt. I haven't tried looking at him even once for the past year, except when I really needed to. Eventhough no one knew what happened. I know it's not just guilt for something I've done just to someone. This guilt is much more torturing...the guilt for doing something utterly horrible not just to someone, but to someone my soul and heart held dear.
Yes, I love Kenji Fujima.
I know I do. I always did. That, and my damn conceit, explains my possessiveness, and my jealousy of Aoyama. I know that now. Fuck myself because of that. I love him so much I hated him. Not having to let myself love him is not enough to satisfy my guilt. How could I do this to him? He was the one thing I had, everything I had. I almost lost him. Just because of my pride and immaturity. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself.
I don't deserve the beauty of this snow outside my window. I don't deserve anything beautiful anymore. I don't deserve anything good anymore. I don't deserve his love. I don't deserve him. Not after what he did. Not after what I did.
Knock, knock.
"Hanagata-kun?"
Ken...
"Hanagata-kun...?"
Ken...
"It's me."
Yes, it is you. How could I ever mistake that voice for anybody else? And it's you, so I don't want to open that door. I don't want to see you today. Not today. Please, don't knock again...
"Please open up, Hanagata-kun."
Or else I would let you in.
"It's...it's open." I mutter silently, my eyes pasted on the window. I don't want to see you.
I hear him enter the room. Please go away, I don't want to hate myself further.
"Hey there. How are you?"
I don't know what to answer. I'm not well. But I don't want him to ask further. "Fine."
"Hanagata-kun, you're lying."
"Please don't call me that." It hurts. But I wanted you to call me that, right? Not now. Please, not now.
"I'm sorry...Toru-kun." He muttered, unsure if it was okay to call me by my name.
"Why are you here?" I ask softly. I have been here before. A long time before, and it didn't turn out fine. Damn, I don't want to look back at that, though I remember it like the day I was born. You didn't want anybody to know because you wanted to protect me. You hid it for me and not for yourself. I thank you for that.
"I just want to see how you are doing on your birthday, is that too bad?" I've been here. I've been here.
"Thank you, Ken. Now if you don't mind, I want to be alone." I don't want you here; I don't want you near me. Though I want you so badly, I don't deserve you near me. Please go away.
"No, Toru-kun. I don't want to go."
I looked at him though it's so hard to. He's still beautiful, but I'm not too sure. I flawed his faultlessness. I know I ruined him. Is he still beautiful?
"Look at you." I whisper, staring at his eyes. I stand up. I take his left arm in my hand. There is a white armband there. This is where he cut himself. "You almost lost everything because of me."
"...You gave everything back, Toru-kun." He said, not taking his eyes off mine. I don't know what he is saying. What did I give back?
"What do you really want, Ken? You're confusing me."
"I want you to let me love you."
"No, Ken. I can't possibly..." I was about to turn away from him, but he took my lips on his own. Please don't do this. I don't want to be loved; I don't deserve to be loved.
"Please, Toru...let me...I love you so much..." He whispered against my chest.
"After what I did to you...? You still want to...? I--"
"More than anything else..."
What now? I'm too guilty. I'm scared that I would hurt him again if I did. I want to make him happy. I'm so confused. Him or myself? Damn.
"Do it for me...Toru..."
Please don't cry, Ken. I don't want you to cry anymore. I enclose him in my arms to hush his tears. I guess I'm giving him what he needs, what he wants. I know I'll do everything for him now.
I push him away from me gently so I could look at him. "Do you remember what I said? I don't want to hurt you anymore." Change your mind. I really don't want to.
"And you also said that you don't want me to hurt anymore, didn't you?"
I understand that he's hurting so much now because of me. I tilt his face upward with my fingers, and kiss him gently. "Yes." I breathe, his face a hair's breadth from mine.
"Then free yourself..." He whispers in reply before he kisses me again.
Free myself?
Free me, Ken. Free me. Take me away. I want you. I need you.
"I love you."
I whisper again. He smiles. His smile is the prettiest thing I have ever seen. Well, next to his eyes looking at me like this. I know he loves me. I see it in his eyes. I feel it in the air that gently blows against my face as he breathes. I hear it in his words. I love him so much.
He breaks away and stands to the tip of his toes. I bend down a little; he is trying to whisper something to me.
"Take me..."
What?? Goddamn fuck me in the name of all that is good! What the hell--
I smile nervously. I am confused. "Ken, what are you--"
"I want you to...make love to me, Toru..."
I hold him in my arms. I can tell he is in shock right now. My heart is racing in my throat right now and I don't know what to say. I am so scared. I don't want to hurt him. Not ever. Don't ask me to hurt you again, Ken.
"No. No. I said I don't want to hurt you." I feel myself squeeze him tighter as my voice rises slightly. I feel him bury his face in my shoulders in response.
"Don't be scared...you won't hurt me, I promise..." He says as his hands travel up and down upon my back soothingly.
"I will...I will...I know I will..." I refuse, I really do. My eyes are squinted, like a little boy not wanting to take a bath. A little boy I am, I don't want to.
"Free yourself...let yourself love me...feel me..." He calms me so much. I don't know what to feel. He wants me so badly. I want him so badly. Could I really let myself go?
He kisses me again. I kiss back. I am doing this.
"Let yourself go..." He whispers again as he pulls me down on the bed, his arms wrapped around my neck. I love you so much. Am I really doing this?
I feel the warmth of his skin against mine. I am so lost. His skin is perfect. I feel him, I feel him completely. I claim him now. I stop.
"I'm sorry, Ken." I whisper. I know I hurt him.
He smiles back at me. "Free yourself..."
And free myself I do. I trust his words. I trust him with everything. I trust myself to him. He is mine and I am his.
"Let go..."
And let myself go I do. I do not want to lose this bond, but I have to now. I take him inside my arms. I do not want to let go of him now. I love him so much.
"I love you, Toru." He says as he kisses me one last time before falling into the curve of my shoulder. I want him to feel safe here, right now, and as long as I can love him.
"Thank you...I love you too..." I whisper as I drift off to sleep myself. Our fingers entwine, and would never separate. I have him now, and he has me.
I found myself in him. I have everything.
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
(Unless I try to start again)
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
I'll paint it on the walls
Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit tonight
---Owari---