Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Van Helsing and blah blah blah and blah and blah blah blah and blah blah and blah blah blah blah. Blah. Blah blah?
A/N: Damn ! They always screw up my spacing and format even though it's html! growls Anyways, the bartender's thoughts are in italics with brackets. Dracula just has brackets.
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"To sleep: perchance to dream: ay,
there's the rub:
For in that sleep of death what
dreams may come. . ."
---William Shakespeare
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Toward Dawn
Chapter Nine - Facing Pregnancy
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The road is long. . .
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[Lucifer, I swear I'm going to murder you when I get out of this sick and twisted plan to put me through more hell and punishment. When I'm out of here I'm going to kick you so hard down there that my foot will be coming out of your arsehole and - ]
[HEY! HEY! HEY! NO ONE is sticking their foot up or out through there on me and I don't HAVE a dick so your little disturbed and disgusting plans aren't going to fly. And who the hell are you and where am I? This sure as hell isn't Italy.]
[Vladislaus Dragulia.]
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The memory slides. . .
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[Ok someone had way too much to drink. You said your name was Gabriel at one point or another. Before you got wasted and had plans of shoving their foot through an imaginary dick and out my asshole. And what's with the accent? You didn't have that before when I talked you.]
[Your name's Lucifer?]
[Why does EVERYONE give me shit about my name. Christ Mother, why did you name me after the Devil?]
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To the whole of my undoing. . .
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[But you AREN'T Lucifer - the Devil - that is?]
[Gee, thanks for the support and consolation and then comparing ME to the devil. It's not like I'm his twin sister. Last time I checked I didn't have a tail coming out of my ass and horns on my head and a curled black moustache and red skin. I'm a twenty two year old woman that is NOT, I repeat, is NOT the evil incarnate nor am I possessed. If my name freaks you out too much, well then call me by my nickname Lucy. It's a good alternative to Lucifer.]
[I wasn't intending to offend you.]
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Put aside. . .
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[Good. But why were vowing to shove your feet into my asshole or out it? That isn't exactly the greeting I'm accustomed to in Italy. By your bad accent I can all ready tell you're not from Italy.]
[I'm from Romania.]
[Oh. Vampire country. I see. That would explain the death threats and life threatening greetings. Well, it's a good thing I don't plan on going there ever. And it would also explain the really really bad accent. But I don't remember that accent before when I spoke to you.]
Dracula sighed impatiently. [Well, if you're done insulting me and finished with being a bitch we have some things to work out. Like at the moment, I'm in your body with your breasts and womanly assets. And you're in my head. And it gets worse.]
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I put away. . .
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[What the hell? What's going on?]
[We switched bodies. In a way. I'm in your body. And you're in my head. And I think Lucifer is after me. It would explain why he keeps putting me in these embarrassing and disturbing situations.]
[Who's head were you stuck in before and what did you do to deserve the wrath, oh god, how melodramatic I sound, of "prince of darkness." Dun duh duh!]
[Do you remember the man who you were about to sleep with?]
[Yeah.]
[That was the man I was to kill and since I failed Lucifer is punishing me by doing this - putting me inside Gabriel's head - then putting me in your body - right when you guys were having sex - having me sleep with a man - having a man come inside me - traumatizing me like that - and - and - NOW I'M PREGNANT WITH GABRIEL'S CHILD WHO'S MY ENEMY AND WHO I'M SUPPOSED TO KILL!]
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I push it back to get through each day. . .
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[Oh. . .you didn't have him use any contraceptive or yourself or have him pulled out before he came. . .shit. You are screwed. Sorry about the pun. But uh. . .well. . .since you can't kill the baby or the baby's father who's Gabriel lets think of the baby shower or what you'll name the baby. I can help you with the names - believe me I've thought long and hard about naming babies since with my name and everything - ]
[NO! That isn't going to happen! I'M NOT HAVING A BABY MUCH LESS GABRIEL'S!]
[That baby is going to come out WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT! And you're going to GIVE BIRTH! So get used to the facts. And how do you think I feel? You just got me pregnant and do you know what pregnancies do to your figure? THANKS YOU BASTARD! I'm going to have saggy breasts, a flabby stomach, and excess fat! NOW I'M NOT GOING TO GET TIPS AT WORK!]
[SHUT UP! YOU'RE NOT THE ONE THAT WILL HAVE TO GIVE BIRTH AND BE PREGNANT UNLESS - I need to get out of here and you'll have your body back before the baby's born!]
[HELL NO! YOU GOT ME PREGNANT - NOW YOU CAN GO THROUGH THE PREGNANCY AND CHILD LABOUR YOU INSENSITIVE FUCKING ASSHOLE! YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME PREGNANT AND RUIN MY FORM WITHOUT PAYING FOR THE CONSEQUENCES? I'M NOT PAYING FOR YOUR STUPIDITIES YOU ARROGANT PIECE OF SHIT! GIVE BIRTH YOURSELF YOU SICK FUCK!]
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And all I feel is black and white. . .
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Later On
(After the screaming and yelling from the bartender and Dracula have subsided a little)
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[But - I - I can't! I'M A MAN! I can't go through pregnancy and give BIRTH! I'M A VAMPIRE KING AND PRINCE OF ROMANIA AND A GUY FOR THE LOVE OF HELL!]
[OH! YOUR SON'S GOING TO BE A PRINCE OR IF IT'S A DAUGHTER A PRINCESS! OH - OH - OH - I WANT TO BE THE GOD MOTHER FOR SPIRITIUAL GUIDANCE! God knows that child will need it!]
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And I'm wound up small and tight. . .
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MUCH Later On
(After Dracula's finished with PMSing, freaking out, and crying. After all, if you were a guy trapped in a woman's body I think the happiness of having breasts would wear off after getting pregnant and having to give birth. I think I would run into walls or jump out a window if it was me.)
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[Now aren't you going to tell the father of your baby the good news?]
[Aren't I the father? What more news do I need? Bad news anyways. I'm pregnant, a woman, with a bartender in my head, and used to be vampire since now I can pass out from what I've found, and Lucifer's after me.]
[SHIT! OK! Dracy - whatever you do don't go ballistic - it could add difficulties to the pregnancy or something - you never know these days with everything going wrong in the world. WAIT - I know what you are! You're a. . ."bi - gender". . .or a thing that can get pregnant that's a male. God, do you have any clue how many people will want your type of genes to spread? Women wouldn't be the only ones to give - ]
[Just - SHUT UP! Dieses wird oben gebumst. Ich bin jetzt offiziell eine Laune der Natur und des Gehens traumatized für den Rest meines existance.]
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And I don't know who I am. . .
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Black & White, by Sarah McLachlan.
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A/N: That was actually German. I had to make do with German because I couldn't find any Romanian translations on Alta Vista.
Translation: This is fucked up. I am now officially a freak of nature and going to be traumatized for the rest of my existence.
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TBC
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