Chapter 9- Guilt Trip
Christmas was coming and I was gong to spend the weekend at Craig's. Emma and I were going Christmas shopping I had already gotten Angie Joey and Caitlin's gift so all I needed was Craig's.
"O.K. I got everyone's gift except for Craig's " I said while walking into hot topic "O.K....but Manny I'm scared to go in there " Emma said stooping me from stepping into hot topic "Are you kidding me...so am I" I said looking into her fritend eyes "But I can't be scared since I'm going in there to get the love of my life his Christmas present." I said smiling "Ah words from the future Mrs. Manning. " Emma said sarcastically "Shut up" I said while slapping her arm. And then I pulled Emma into the store.
"Manny...I'm tired." Emma complained "We've been in here for hours." she wined "And that cashier keeps on winking at me and keeps on asking me to try on really slutty outfits." she adds. "Oh Emma...stop complaining...I'm still looking for the perfect present...for my....oh my gosh this is perfect!!." I said We rang it up and left the store. Mrs. Nelson dropped me home. And I wrapped Craig, Angie, Caitlin, and Joey's gifts.
I was in my room packing my backpack for the weekend when my dad barged in. "Mannuella why are you packing clothes into a backpack?" he asked me looking mad"I am going for the weekend." I said trying not to look at him "Where are you going...I hope you are not going to the boy who caused your mothers leaving...hat is his name...Carter" shoot if I told my dad where I was going he would have killed me. "No..papa..I am going to...Emma's house..this weekend." I said while packing more clothes "Oh Mrs. Nelson..the one who encouraged you to have a baby since she had hers at such a young age." he said "Papa that is not true...she didn't encourage anything." I said starting to walk over to my closet "Then why did you go to her instead of me and your mother when you thought you were pregnant." he asked I stayed quiet "Answer me Mannuella" he said I could see the veins popping out of his neck. "Because"I said why was he doing this to me he always does this to whenever I want to go have fun he wants to ruin it. He is putting to much pressure on me by asking all these questions I mean I just killed someone and then here is my dad acusing me of doing something I didn't do. I just couldn't help but cry."Because I was scared of how you were going to react..I was scared that you would have abandoned me....I knew she would have been able to tell me what to do because she was in the same position as me before...." I said in tears "Shut up.." he said "You are not going anywhere this weekend." he added "But papa your not being fair." I said crying. I could feel the tears burning down my face. This is why I needed Craig..he would have understood where I was coming from...the abusive father thing.. I zipped up my backpack and wiped my tears. "Papa..I'm going..for the weekend to Emma's house." I said trying to stop my tears and walk out the door. "Your not going anywhere" he said he grabbed me and pushed me on the bed and then everything went black.
I woke up and it was about 4:00 p.m. I got out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. I had a black eye and a little cut on my lip..nothing that cover up couldn't fix. When I was done making my self look preaty. I grabbed my backpack and snuck out through the window. I walked to the Dot and called Craig to come pick me up. Spinner gave me hot chocolate and said it was on the house he is so sweet. Craig came in and one of the worst days of my life was actually getting better. "Hey Mannuela" he said while waking in he was wearing the black and green GC shirt I got him...but he was stupid and wasn't wearing a jacket. "Hey Craigy..you look cold you want me to warm you up." I asked while giving him a hug. "Sure" he said squeezing me tighter. "Your really warm." he said "I know" I replied he gave me a kiss on the forehead "Um..Craigy...Manny..this is a public place save that for your house." Spinner said "Sorry" I said Craig and I stayed at the Dot for an hour. "So are you ready to leave?" Craig asked me "I'm ready when your ready" I replied back.
"Joey we're home" Craig said while walking into the house. "Wipe your feet so we don't get snow in the house" Craig said. Craig's house smelt like ginger bread cookies "Hi Craig..hi Manny" Caitlin said while walking into the living room to greet us "Hi Caitlin" Craig said "Hi Caitlin ...You guys are making gingerbread cookies aren't you" I asked smiling the smell of gingerbread cookies made me think of my mom..we would make them all the time even if it wasn't christmas "Yeah we are." she said smiling God her teeth are white. "Manny...Manny....Manny" Angie said screaming and running down the hall "Hi Angie" I said giving her a hug. "Who is this for" She said pointing to the gift right in front of me. "Well I don't know do you want it?" I askedd smiling . I really am starting to like Angie..she reminds me of me when I was younger. "Yeah..I want it and I want to open it now" she said jumping up and down "I don't know you'll have to ask your dad." I said "Dad" Angie said running back inside the kitchen "That Angie" Caitlin said laughing "She's a handful" she added "So Caitlin when did you get back" I asked her..I wanted to start a conversation and it was getting really hot....and I was nervous I mean being around my boyfriends parents scary right. "Well I'm going back New Years Eve I am only taking a vacation. " she said "So Craig..I'm sorry to hear about Ashley" Caitlin said "Yeah..it's o.k...I was very depressed but I'm sure she would have wanted me to move on." Craig said while grabbing my hand I felt as if I was going to puke when Craig grabbed my hand"I have to go to the bathroom " I said getting up and walking upstairs
I went into the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. "I can do this..." I said while pacing back and forth. It was starting...something I didn't want to start. I WAS FEELING GUILTY I WAS ACTUALLY FEELING GUILTY FOR KILLING ASHLEY. I have felt guilty for a while but I always pushed it a side. I couldn't feel guilty because I wanted to be happy..and I am happy right? I mean I have Craig..my life is going back on track. But why is this guilt coming on my shoulders. I feel as if I'm going crazy because of what I did. I didn't do anything wrong..no I didn't I was doing it to be happy...and as long as I'm happy I did nothing wrong...Craig is happy to. I took one more look at my self and walked out. I can do this..I kept on saying in my head.
I walked passed Craig's room and saw allot of pictures on his wall. All of them were of Ashley and Craig..or just Ashley ..non of me...non of them were of me. :( Maybe Craig isn't happy with me...maybe he misses Ashley....maybe we just weren't meant to be. No snap out it Manny you and Craig are perfect for each other. "Manny...we are about to read some Christmas stories" Joey yelled up the stairs. "I'm coming" I yelled back "Your Mannuella Santos and you can do this" I said to my self. and walked down stairs.
Everyone was laughing and having fun except for me. I kept on thinking about Ashley and how I killed her and ruined her life..and made things miserable for her family and practically the whole school...I swear I'm going to say something by accident. I have to go to confessions on Sunday after Church. It was getting really hot in the house...and I was sweating really bad. "Manny?" Joey asked me "Manny" he said again. I was lost..I was in my own world thinking about Ashley. Craig nudged me "I'm Guilty" I said really loud everyone stared at me "What are you guilty for ?" Craig asked me "What are you talking about." I asked very confused I had no clue what I had just said. "Manny...sweety you were crying." Caitlin said. I didn't even notice that I was crying..was I crying because of Ashley...did I really feel that bad...I stooped so low...I could have stayed with J.T. but no I had to "kill her" I am so stupid I said that out loud "Kill who" Joey asked "Oh never mind that sometimes she is thinking and she says it out loud." Craig said trying to make a joke out of it "Isn't that right Manny?" he asked smiling at me "Yeah...right" I said I was feeling really hot and sweaty. "Oh..well Manny what happened to your eye." Caitlin asked What is this two-one questions. I bet I was the tears and sweat caused my make up to fade and they could see my black eye damnit think Manny think. "Lets open presents." I said cheerfully trying to change the subject "Yeah..yeah presents" Angie said jumping up and down "O.K. lets open gifts " Joey said "Open mine first " I said to Angie handing her the princess coverd box "O.K." she said she opened the box "Wow..." she said "It's a Barbie karaoke set." she added "With a built in Microphone." I said smiling "Thank you Manny" she said jumping to give me a hug
So we were opening gifts for about an hour. I got a book about fashion design from Caitlin, hair stuff from Angie, and really cute pink shoes from Joey. Now Craig was about to open my present. "Wow..it's a...guitar pick..." he said I hope he was happy with it. "Yeah and it has a picture of that band you like" I said "Kiss" Craig said. I gave him a kiss on the cheek "Why did you want me to give you a kiss?" I asked confused "No that's the band." Joey said. "Oh" I said smiling that was so embarssing. I think Craig was trying to look happy..I bet he haited the gift. "O.K. let me go get my present for you Manny" Craig said and he went up into his room and came back down with a box....a big box with wholes in it. I opened it "Oh Craig.." I said smiling about to cry his gift made mine look like crap. "It's a chuaua " I said smiling "Oh my gosh Craig" Caitlin said "How could you afford this?" she asked "It's a long story" Craig said smiling at Joey "Oh my gosh Craig it is so cute....I'm going to name her tinker-bell." I said showing him my white teeth "I love you Craig" I said while giving him a hug he smelt like really bad after shave but oh well as long as I'm with him I'll get past it. "Anything to please my Mannuela" he said I got off of him. My papa says that to me I picked up Tinker-bell and ran out of the house. "Manny..what did I say?" Craig said while running after me.
I was sitting with tinker-bell outside not to far away from the house and I could hear Craig's footsteps. I was crying and it was like icicles where forming on my face. God all this is hard for me I had problems about what happend with Ashley and then when I had already forgotn about what happend with me and my dad he had to remind me of him. Why..Why was everything going wrong when it was suppost to be going right. I HATE LIFE "Manny whats wrong what did I say?" he asked me sitting down next to me in the snow...this guilt thing I hate it so much. "Craig..I ruined everything..." I said crying "What do you mean?" he asked looking confused "I ruined your life...my life...my dads life...Ashley's life....everyones life." I said bawling "What are you talking about." he asked still confused. "I killed Ashley" I said crying..shit I said it "What do you mean you killed Ashley" he asked I think he was about ready to slap me. Think Manny think..."I didn't come early enough..and if I didn't talk to Emma for half an hour and gone to Ashley's she wouldn't have been dead." I said crying "It's o.k. Manny" he said hugging me"It's all going to be o.k." he said while rocking me back and forth "No it's not.." I kept on saying over and over again.