Disclaimer – Too tired to do a long one. I don't own Rurouni Kenshin; all original characters and ideas are mine to claim.

Note – Possible OOCness ahead. Mentions of abuse and rape ahead. This chapter is in the form of Kaoru's diary entries over the two months that Tomoe was working with her and after. Though no dates are mentioned, an order is noticeable; this chapter will be extremely short. You've been warned.

This chapter told from Kaoru's POV.

-Save Me From the Darkness-

Chapter Eight – Thoughts and Memories: An Interlude

Dear Diary,

Tomoe-san gave me to you so that I could pour my heart out. So I will. I won't give you the boring things, like what I look like or what I enjoy, because you are a continuation of my other diary (which I need to get back). Instead, I'll tell you what happened to me two Saturdays ago.

I can't stop thinking about that night, and every time I catch myself thinking about it I want to cry. But, I'm all cried out; I don't think I can shed any more tears…

It started out as a quiet evening between the two of us, just him and me. We had a quiet dinner around six (really early, ne?) and cuddled up on the couch for a movie, with a bottle of wine that he brought home the night before. I felt that maybe things were going to be okay after all. I thought that he was happy now; he'd been good to me lately, like he used to be.

Unfortunately, all good things don't last.

As we watched the movie and drank the wine, he cuddled closer to me. I didn't mind at first, but then he held me tighter, making it difficult for me to breathe. I told him he was holding me too close, and he gave me some breathing room.

His fingers gently stroked my hair, and I fell asleep for a while; I was happy and content. How could I not feel so good? However, I woke up to sickening sensations – the sour taste of a post-alcohol intoxicated mouth, a heavy weight on top of me, and ungentle hands ravaging my nearly bare skin. Snapping my eyes open in fear, I looked up to see him looking at me with lust-filled eyes.

I asked him what he was doing, my voice panicky and high-pitched. He smiled crazily and kissed me again, penetrating my mouth with his tongue and bruising my lips. I struggled against him, and he punched me. I continued to struggle; I couldn't give up like that. My eyes filled with tears as I fought back against him; I should have known that I couldn't win. He ended up beating me into unconsciousness.

I remember wondering if I was going to die; I was so afraid as I slipped into that black void.

When I woke up again, it was raining heavily outside, and he lay passed out near the couch, half-nude. Since he wasn't drunk when I first woke up, I suppose he passed out from fatigue. It made me sick.

It hurt to move and I was lying nude on the carpeted floor, the normally comfortable fabric rubbing against fresh wounds on my skin; there was blood crusted on various injuries to my body, and I felt sticky and uncomfortable in my more private area. Everything in my lower regions felt like it was on fire as I made the effort to move.

I knew I couldn't stay there anymore. I looked around the room to see random pieces of my clothing lying ripped on the ground. I couldn't wear them anymore, and I knew I had to get out of there. I don't know how I did it, but I managed to grab a black trench coat and put it on over my bare skin, tying the belt as securely as possible around my aching waist. My hair hung like a moth-eaten lace curtain around me my hair was a basic mess, and I was in such a panic to just get out of that house that I didn't even bother to wear shoes.

When I got onto the road, I truthfully had no idea where I was going. I couldn't think straight; my body hurt like hell, and I wanted to die I felt so soiled and grotesque. It was raining much harder now, the water coming down in sheets, soaking the coat through and through. I'm sure I wasn't walking straight either; I was most likely stumbling along, my fuzzy brain too lost to really understand what was happening.

Eventually, I collapsed on the front steps of a building, and my blurry mind managed to recognize the place as Kenshin's apartment building. As I lay there in the rain, I eventually fell into the dark abyss of unconsciousness yet again. I don't know what happened after that until I woke up Wednesday morning.

Kami-sama…

I think the only other time I've felt this…alone and…hopeless?…was when Otou-san died. I don't want to, but I keep shedding tears, even though I feel like I've cried myself out to where I can't cry anymore.

See? I'm crying now, too…

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Dear Diary,

I went back to the café today. Everyone was so glad to see me; they all thought I had had some sort of accident, which was why I had been out for so long. I suppose what happened could be considered an accident, but I think it's more a deliberate attempt to be a dominating bastard on his part.

For me, the whole relationship was an accident—a fatal mistake. But, oddly enough, it's because of him that I can stay here with Kenshin. I'm able to heal here, without feeling afraid or uncomfortable that I'm living with not one, but two guys, so shortly after a wordless break-up. He was even kind enough to go by the house and get my things during the hours that Yukishiro wouldn't be home he got in using a spare key that's always under the potted plant by the front door.

And now I sit here thinking of my redheaded friend. I remember when we were younger, and when we were together, I felt like everything was all right in the world—like there weren't any problems. I felt safe and…complete.

But when he left…I felt…empty. I felt like I was missing a part of myself, like my other half was gone. Sure, we stayed in touch, but it wasn't the same. I felt alone, kind of lost. I figured it was because we had been through so much together.

And then, almost two and a half years ago, I met Yukishiro. (I will not give the bastard the honor of having his first name in my diary!) It started out well, with me getting ready to graduate from college, working part-time as a secretary at a computer company. I met him on my second day of work, and eventually we started going out. After going out for about nine months, he proposed to me, and we started living together in the house we bought together.

I left my position as a secretary, and started training students again. It felt good to work with students in the dojo again, but I couldn't bring myself to live there. The memories were still too painful. At home, however, Yukishiro was becoming a bit aggressive. I confronted him about how he was hurting me. He told me some more about his past—his father was abusive, and his cousin's family was where he went when he wanted comfort. Then her family moved away, and he was alone.

"My hair turned white because she wasn't with me. I was alone," he said.

I suggested he go to therapy; he went, and I thought he got over the pain of his childhood. But then he started up again; weird how it was kind of sporadic. Normally, though, he tried putting me down with words; sometimes he'd hit me, but then he'd apologize and make it up to me somehow—he'd take me out to dinner, or bring me flowers and a box of chocolate

I thought he'd gotten better when he turned on me. I feel stupid for trusting him, but thankful because I realize now why I decided to go out with him in the first place; I was trying to fill the empty part of myself. But you know what, Diary?

I think I had started feeling emptier with him. And when Kenshin came back, and when we would get together, I started feeling whole again.

Maybe I never loved Yukishiro as much as I thought I did. I just didn't want to feel alone, I guess, so I got together with him. And now I feel whole again, but I'm with Kenshin. Sure, he's not in the room right now, but even when he's not around, I feel like there's a part of him with me, and I don't feel so empty inside…

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Dear Diary,

I've been working with Tomoe-san for almost a month and a half now, and only today did I have the courage to bring up my feelings. I told her about what I felt when I'm with Kenshin, when I'm not with him, and when he went away from here for so long.

She looked at me and gave me one of her sweet smiles as I talked to her while we sat on the beach. She said she knew how I felt, and knew what it would mean to her, and that my heart understood what was going on; I just had to wait for my brain to register what my heart was saying and that it would happen when the time was right.

I asked her about how she and Akira got together, and she told me they met in college. She said that she was walking to class one day when she ran into Kenshin and Akira, who were in the middle of a conversation dealing with an exam they were about to take; she bumped into Akira, said sorry, and hurried off to class saying hi to Kenshin over her shoulder.

She burst out laughing at this part. "I was rarely ever late, and it was one of those rare days I was late that I bumped into the man I decided to spend the rest of my life with."

I asked her if she thought it was just coincidence or fate. She replied, "In the words of Mizuki Kaho from Card Captor Sakura, 'There is no coincidence; there is only the inevitable.' So yes, I think it was fate that I met him that day. Kenshin ended up introducing us officially, and we slowly but surely progressed from friends to lovers."

I wonder if what happened with me and Yukishiro was fate. Maybe it was meant to happen; isn't there some kind of saying that says something like "Bad things happen so that we appreciate the good things"? But then I wonder, did it have to be this bad?

Grr… See? Now I've confused myself…

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

Dear Diary,

Today has been very special. Something happened today that's filled my heart with so much joy that it feels like it's going to burst.

Tomoe-san and her travel companions had to return to L.A. today, and Kenshin, Kamatari, and I went to see them off at the airport. I felt a little déjà vu-ish during the whole thing because it reminded me of all of us going to say good-bye to Kenshin when he left for L.A.

When I said good-bye to Tomoe-san today, I couldn't help the tears that fell from my eyes as we hugged. She feels like a sister to me, and she's helped me so much in the past few months. We've promised to stay in touch.

"Don't hesitate to give me a ring if you need someone to talk to. I'll always be there for you, the way friends should be. Just know that I'm very proud of you," she told me as we said good-bye.

I'm going to miss having her around.

So after that, we came back to the building. As we stood there in the elevator, Kamatari was sifting through the mail when he came across this invite for Kenshin to go to this…Ball…held by the Technology Business Association, and it's on my birthday. Anyway, we got to the apartment and I went over to the balcony because I wanted to watch the moon and the city lights for a while. About ten minutes later, he came out to join me.

We talked about what we're planning to do tomorrow. I told him that I'm going to the café late, because I had to train my students in the morning; he said he's going to the office for a company meeting—something about launching a new gaming system.

Then, all of a sudden, he got all shy on me. I looked at him, wondering why he got so quiet. He just looked at me for a second, scratched the back of his head, and was all "Ano, can I ask you something?"

Of course, I said, "Okay."

"Would you go to the Ball with me?" he asked.

For a second, I was wondering if I was hearing things. And then I intelligently replied, "Huh?"

"Would you go to the Ball with me?" he asked again. Then before I could give him an answer, he rushed into an explanation.

"You know that invitation I got in the mail today? It turns out it's an invitation to the Technology Business Association's annual Summer Ball; so basically, it's this big party with interesting business people from different technology companies—computer companies, game companies, etc. Thing is, I need an escort. I figured you might enjoy it since it's taking place on your birthday."

I gave him a big smile and said that I would go with him. I couldn't help thinking how cute he looked when he was nervous. He sighed in relief, though I doubt he knew I noticed that he was nervous.

Gradually, our conversation died down to a point where we were just standing there in silence, leaning against the railing, and staring at the moon. And then it just sort of hit me—my brain finally understood what my heart had been saying for so many years. I don't even know what I was thinking at the time, but whatever it was made it all click together and fall in place.

I understand now why I always felt, and still feel, whole when Kenshin's near me. I understand now why I feel empty when he's not with me.

Tomoe-san was right. It must have been the right time, because my brain registered what my heart has been saying for so many years now

I understand now that I am in love with Himura Kenshin.

And I'm going to tell him, Diary, on the night of the Ball.

All I can hope for is that he'll reciprocate what I feel, because truthfully, I am so very tired of being alone…

-/-/-/-/-/-/-

A/N: And that, my loyal readers/reviewers, is the end of this chapter! Stay tuned for the next one!

Next Chapter: The Ball!

Hope you enjoyed! I'm off to bed because I have something called school in the morning!

Oyasuminasai!

Dreaming of Grace,

--Ice Angel Kaoru (Signing out—11:49 PM PST, September 5, 2004)