Setting: Abyss, Alternate Universe, Character Death, Mirror Universe.
Pairings referenced: Sam/Jack, Sara/Jack Archive: Yes, whatever.
Notes: Hit me while walking to work on Tuesday. Three-fourths of this was actually written there until A came by and told me not to type (even when I have nothing else to do... sigh. Hate my job). The rest was written that night, and then edited tonight because I needed the distance (and time to plot out what else is going on). The title and chapter titles are ENTIRELY stolen from the Pet Shop Boys' song of the same name which is a NICE song. Sigh. Damn them.
Up Against It Chapter 5: Sweetening the Pill by Ana Lyssie Cotton
He was trying to understand. Really, he was. Jack O'Neill usually prided himself on being vaguely intelligent. He'd even cornered that Jonas Quinn kid, earlier that day. Asked him point blank. "She doesn't like me, does she?"
"You were dead," Jonas had replied.
Even now, he's trying to make sense of that. So he was dead, so what? He got the part where he'd been her commanding officer (some things didn't stay the same). But, he just... Maybe if he'd ever met Dr. Samantha Carter in his own universe, he'd know more. But Jack had been happily married when the stargate program began, and he'd only been tapped recently to lead the flagship team on diplomatic runs. Sara had been thrilled at the soft workload.
But he doesn't want to remember Sara right now.
Instead, he wants to understand the woman on the bed next to him, the one who can't look at him without some part of her seeming to flinch away.
"Heya, Doc."
Janet Fraiser looks up from where she is checking Major Carter's vitals, "O'Neill."
They all call him that. It's kind of disturbing. "Call me Jack."
"I'll think about it," she looks back down at the woman in the bed.
"How is she?"
"Well, the Tok'ra's healing device have fixed everything internally and externally." And the tone of voice betrays that it was a damn good thing they did, otherwise the woman in the bed would be dead. "Other than that, I don't know."
"You don't like me, either." He observes.
"I don't like or dislike you, yet. Although I suppose part of it was you participating in that farce of Mackenzie's."
"Ah. I... I'm sorry about that."
"Tell her that."
"I will. As soon as she wakes up."
The doctor sighs, "Tell her now, O'Neill. Talk to her, tell her about your life and kids and family and why you joined the stargate program."
"Can she...?"
"She can hear you. She just doesn't want to talk." Janet's hands still and Jack fights the urge to say something stupid. "Why did she have to be so stupid?"
"I don't... I don't think she thought it would be this bad."
"Yeah." Pinning him with a look, her voice changes. "Talk to her."
He feels himself stiffen and straighten, fights the urge to salute. "Yes, ma'am."
With a nod, she is gone, back to her office or other patients. They came back from the Alpha Site as soon as possible, and even then it had taken the Tok'ra an hour to fix the crystals back in place so the DHD could be used to dial out. In that time, Janet Fraiser had gotten the Tok'ra to keep Sam Carter alive.
Funny, he thinks, looking down at the pale skin of her face, she didn't look like she was appreciating it.
And that makes him angry. He's lost an entire world, and this woman has lost merely one man. One man. Him. It doesn't seem fair, suddenly. "You listen, Carter, you wake your ass up." The words are harsh, and he wonders about them as she continues to sleep.
Talk to her, the Doc had said.
Fine.
He'll talk.
-
He's been talking for hours. Telling her about Sara and Charlie and Katie, and how they'd almost lost the chance to be a happy family. Special ops and stargate project specs and training kids (Elliot, Hailey, Satterfield, three dozen others who are now gone, and he has to stop for a bit after that). Kawalasky, his best friend who talked him into helping with the training. How he met Daniel Jackson and Teal'c, Colonel Makepeace, Lieutenant Harry Maybourne, and so many many others. Leading SG-1 on missions that stretched the (few) diplomatic skills he had.
The litany of people he has lost goes on until he can't think of it anymore, because it hurts too much.
Colonel Jack O'Neill rarely cries. Right now, he's considering it.
"Hey." the voice is scratchy with misuse.
He literally jumps in his chair, moves to touch her cheek. "Carter?"
"Thought..." the breath required to keep her focused makes him wince, she sounds unutterably exhausted and drained. But at least she isn't in pain anymore, "told you... not to call..." Her eyes close, then re-open, and something close to despair is in them. "...that."
"Until you're back on your own two feet and can kick my ass, I'm going to call you whatever the hell I want. Carter."
"Please don't." There's more than despair now, there's a pain he doesn't want to name.
"Then what do you want me to call you?"
"I would prefer to never see you again, frankly." She is getting stronger, as if the anger and despair are giving her what she needs to fight the tiredness.
"Why? Why do you hate me so much?"
"Because you're not him."
The raw honesty hurts, but he understands it in a way. "No. No I'm not. You know, I never met Dr. Samantha Carter, in my universe. She was just a nebulous consultant they used a few times. Rodney had a lot of things to say about her arrogance."
"He would."
"Tell me about him."
Panic settles in her eyes for a moment, then she stills. "I'd rather not."
"Why?"
"You keep asking that," Frustrated, she shifts, "Why do you keep asking?"
"Because I want to know."
"You want to know?" A shift, and he moves to help her sit up slightly, hoping the Doc won't return to discover him abusing her patient. She feels as limp as a newborn kitten, and he wonders if that's because of the blood loss or the near-death or being healed by the Tok'ra device.
"Yes."
She takes in a breath, lets it out. "Water, first."
And Jack complies, because he senses that she needs this as much as he needs to understand her, and this weird and crazy universe he now lives in.
"Colonel Jack O'Neill has been my commanding officer for nearly six years." The recitation of fact seems to help, and she continues. "During that time, we've seen a lot together. We've lost friends, we've saved each other's asses."
"And?"
"We fell in love." Her lips twist. "Isn't it a fabulous romantic cliche? Female officer falls hard for her commanding officer. Film and scandal at eleven."
He studies her, "Love?"
"I suppose it was love," there is uncertainty now.
"You never uh..."
"No." A head shake, and her eyes close again.
"I mean, aren't there, regulations and stuff?"
"Yes." The tone of her voice is exasperated. "Courts-martial and impediments to further advancement and..." Her voice stops. "And knowing what it feels like to be certain."
"Certain."
"Never something that happens in my life anymore." A strangled laugh, "God."
"Still believe in him?"
"No."
"I'm..." He doesn't know what to say anymore. "I'm sorry" is inadequate, and he thinks her pain has to be worse than his. After all, he knows what it's like to have the person you love reciprocate and adore you. She doesn't. "I think, if he were alive, I'd smack him."
"What?"
"Come on, Carter, do you think he should have left you dangling like this? All these years?"
"It was my decision."
"Then I'd smack you upside the head, but you're injured, and the Doc here terrifies me."
"She should."
"That's what's eating you up, isn't it? The fact that you couldn't let him in, and now he's gone, and you don't know if it would have worked because you ever got the chance." He is shaking his finger at her, angry. Yeah. Definitely angry at everything she's thrown away. "Well, I'll tell you something, Samantha Carter. You're a fool for throwing away any chance you have at happiness. A god-damned fool."
"I know."
The anger leaves him in an instant at the way she looks at him. He runs a hand through his hair, "I'm going to go get the Doc. She should know you're awake."
"I'm... gonna stay here. I guess."
-
"She's a danger to herself. How many times did I have to tell you people that, and STILL, you won't listen to me?"
"Dr. Mackenzie!"
"Sam was only doing what--"
"SILENCE!" The voice of Dr. Janet Fraiser is rarely raised in anger. The whip-crack of it now breaks the four men from their argument and they turn to watch as she comes into the briefing room. "Unless you all have better things to say, I suggest you keep your mouths shut. Clear?"
Teal'c, who has merely loomed at Mackenzie, inclines his head. The other three stiffly nod.
"Good. I'm here to tell you that Major Carter is awake and lucid. She appears to remember everything, and will make a full, physical recovery."
"But not a psychological one, as I've--"
"Shut up." The file in Janet's hands slams onto the table top in front of the startled doctor. "I've been doing a little reading on you, Dickie. And, interestingly enough, I find that most of your clinical trials were based on unproven hypotheses which never bore fruit. Now, unless you have something actually intelligent to say, I suggest you leave this room now before I'm forced to discover a reason to quarantine you until General Hammond decides to escort you off of his base."
"How is she, Janet?" asks Jonas, careful not to sound too eager, although he obviously wants the answer.
"Alive."
"Dr. Fraiser, would it not be wise for us to visit Major Carter?"
"Thank you, Teal'c. I'm sure she'd appreciate it. I'll be discharging her tomorrow, most likely." She stands, "And Dickie, honey, if I catch you anywhere near my infirmary, I'll have Jonas find the coldest planet and we'll gate you there and leave you."
When she's gone, General Hammond turns cold eyes on Dr. Mackenzie, "I've put in for your transfer. You leave to join Dr. McKay in Russia in five hours."
-tbc-