By S. Mark Gunther
When I'm sure
I don't know why but I feel so insecure
And when it comes
It comes like a great big lull
But either way
I don't know why but I get so crazy
And all the thoughts get twisted in knots
When I'm home
I don't know why but I feel so all alone
And then you come barring down like an atom bomb
And I want to, but I want to
But I want to, but I feel all inside out
But I want to, but I want to
But I want to, but I feel all inside out
Everywhere you turn
There's always something there
And all the time you're getting nowhere
Everywhere I don't know why but I get so crazy
And all the thoughts get twisted in knots
-- from 'Longwave - Everywhere You Turn'
Tabitha could not believe her situation. It was frustrating to say the least. She sat in a pilfered vehicle with Kitty, Kurt, Amanda and Rouge, bound for the Brotherhood house and she didn't have a date. Tabitha Smith looked out a window and couldn't fathom why she, Tabitha, was left out of the loop. She also didn't like that Amanda and Kurt were in the back seat with her and they just wouldn't stop prattling on and on. Tabitha still felt, deep inside, that she should have been with Kurt and the idea that she had to share space with Amanda, the one who took him from her, infuriated her. But she also remembered the pleadings of Rouge and Kitty to help them sway the Professor into letting them go. Being a good friend, she agreed. She sighed inwardly as she felt that she might leave early and get all the rest in trouble just for spite. A smile crept on her face at the idea that she'd give them all a week's Danger Room as payback.
Soon she decided against ditching as they arrived at the Brotherhood house. All of them exited quickly save Tabitha who saw a lone figure sitting out on the front porch. She walked to him and saw who it was with no small sense or recognition and understanding.
"Hey, Toddie."
"Hey Boom-Boom."
"What's going on in there?"
"The usual bull. They're gearing up for movies and smooching and things that don't involve someone like me, so I decided to sit outside for a few hours. Lance tried to get me to come in but Pietro and John nixed that pretty good." Todd looked past Tabitha into the distance, his face forlorn and tired. Tabitha could see that he'd been crying that day and she didn't like that.
"So John kicked you out with Pietro's help?"
"Sort of. They suggested I should go and take my whining somewhere else because it was going to damper the mood. When I said no, Wanda backed them up by tossing me out the door. Lance tried to get them to change their mind but it doesn't really matter." Todd looked at Tabitha and smiled a little. "You know, I hate love."
"Tell me about it," Tabitha echoed softly as she sat on the porch next to him.
"No, Tabitha, I don't think you get it, yo. All these nights I've had to deal with John and Wanda's humping down the hall from me has made me hate love. It's made me want to cut my own throat just silence their noise. The last week and a half has been the closest I've ever come to wanting to die, honestly. If this is what love does to a person then so be it. But I'm not having anymore part of it." Todd stopped to take a breath and saw that Tabitha was merely looking at him with a somber look on her face, a look not normally seen on her. He wondered for a moment if he should go on and then decided that it really didn't matter anyway. "Every day I deal with this is another day I forget who I was and begin to see who I am now. I've walked through hell for Wanda and all she can do is date someone like John."
"And you're angry?"
"No. Just glad."
"Glad for what?"
"I'm glad I don't want to love anymore. I'm glad that when I see a pretty girl all I want is sex and maybe a little more. I don't want to give it all up anymore because there isn't anyone willing to go as far as I wanted to."
"So all you want is a fuck buddy, then?"
"All I want is to find someone who needs to use me just as much as I need to use them. I want someone who wants me without illusions."
"A fuck buddy."
"Yeah, yo. For lack of a better term, a fuck buddy. Right now that's about all I can deal with and it's what I want." Todd looked at Tabitha and noticed that her voice had lost most, if not all, of its original luster and sheen as she spoke to him. "Does that bother you, Tabby?"
The few seconds that followed would burn themselves into Todd's brain for the rest of his life. On his deathbed at the hands of a vengeful and incredibly spiteful Magnus Lensherr he would see the replay of those seconds, those minutes, those hours like a lullaby of madness and miracles. He'd wake up at night when he was alone in his 40's and living in a hovel in Scotland's highlands and remember the times as when he figured that he was the most alive, the most dangerous, and the most impassioned. The next few moments would define the insanity of the next decade as only such events could have. For Tabitha, however, the action she took was just another in a long list of things that she did to fulfill a need. For once, however, she smiled inside as she found what she had been looking for so long. She had found someone who really did get what love and affection was all about: a platform for getting your needs met whatever they may have been.
Tabitha turned and took Todd's head in her hands and she planted a long tender kiss on his lips. She held it there for a moment and licked the bare inside of his lips, tasting the slightly sweet saliva that was, truth be told, rather sticky but very appealing once you got used to it. She pulled back and let a little trail of saliva go from his lips to hers and hand like a red thread. Todd looked at her with shock and then, while watching her eyes, got it. He figured it out inside of himself and brought her closer to her, kissing her hard and strong and scared. His body slid closer to hers and they locked bodies and arms as if they were both sinking into dark and icy waters.
For 9 minutes, they kissed. No words were spoken because no words were needed. No explanations were offered because the act they were sharing had no rational basis; it was lust and need and desire and want and hate and passion and pain and hurt and all the other emotions wrapped up into one combustible package. Todd could hear so many arguments in the back of his head as to why he shouldn't be in Tabitha's embrace and they all fell silent at the urgings of his penis and his still bleeding broken heart. Tabitha's small, but evident, moral center was demanding that she stop her slutty ways and close her legs for life while the rest of her body, craving affection and attention and love of all sorts, decided to get what it could while it could and worry about the rest later. They finally pulled back and looked at one another, their bodies needing rest and air. Todd's cheeks were red and extremely sparkled with sweat and he wiped at the corners involuntarily, a sheepish grin on his face. Tabitha hung her head a little but her smile was bright and clear, much similar to the first time she had really found what she had been looking for in Kurt.
"Whoa."
"Yeah, greenie. Whoa."
"I mean...whoa..." At that, Tabitha chuckled girlishly for a moment. She realized now even more why she had been attracted here. Though Kurt was inside the house, she had found someone who was even more tender, even deeper, even more extreme then big blue there because where Kurt merely wanted to do the best he could as best he could, Todd was striving to find someone to love on his own terms. He was changing from the little brother she had once known and she knew this as she touched his cheek. He responded in kind, his fingertips lightly moistened with liquid. A soft wind rustled their hair and told them, intuitively that night was deepening. "Do you, um..."
"What?"
"Do you...want to go to my room and make out?"
"Sure." At that, Tabitha stood to her feet and held her hands out to help Todd up. Todd took them and stood on the top step, just a little taller then her in the final analysis. He pulled her to him and with a smooth motion scooped her into his arms. A light giggle escaped her lips as she was vaulted in Todd's arms from the front porch to the tree across the way then to the rooftop. Todd set her down for a moment and opened his window. They both climbed into his room and sat down on the bed. Tabitha looked about the room as Todd closed the window. It was messy to be sure but not nearly as dirty as she imagined it was. In fact she noticed that it was less dirty and messier, like a 16 year old boy's room would be. She wasn't the neatest soul in the world but she also had the added advantage of living light; she didn't do a lot of knick-knack collecting.
"You know what really bothers me, Tabitha?" Todd said, unexpectedly, his body in night profile as he stood facing the window.
"What?"
"When I talk to people about Wanda and about my need for love, everyone assumes I'm just a kid and that my desires are just so immature. Or that I'm too ugly for anyone. I just get forgotten about. I don't like being forgotten."
"Nor do I. It's why I kissed you. You were finally speaking my language."
"Finally? What you mean, yo?" Todd asked as he half turned to see what Tabitha meant. Tabitha looked up at him and noticed what only a few girls ever saw; that when he was standing full, he was nothing but legs and ass. One relatively massive bum matched with a pair of smoothly toned legs. Of course, seeing this from Todd's pants wasn't easy but the profile helped matters for her. Todd saw her in the dim light of his room and wondered just why Kurt had left Tabitha behind when he saw nothing that special about Amanda.
"Everyone around here is so infatuated with the idea of love that they just can't see that people are either attracted to the pretty or the exotic. No one is really that interested in the ugly and I'm just as ugly as everyone thinks you are."
"Everyone thinks I'm ugly, yo?" Todd asked softly.
"It's gone around like that. But I never saw you like that. It's why, at the dance, I was with you and Fred. You both are beautiful and wonderful and no one sees that. It's why I wanted Lance...but he never wanted me." At that, Tabitha's head dropped. "It's why I wanted Kurt but everyone thought he was pretty and I couldn't deal with that. Or he couldn't deal with me being as ugly as I am."
"You're not ugly."
"Not on the outside, maybe. But on the inside I'm ugly as hell. I accept that. But what I will not accept is that because I'm ugly I have to be forgotten about as well." She looked at him with naked desire on her face. "You're forgotten. I'm forgotten. Let's remember each other right now."
"So this is just because we're both forgotten about, Tabitha? This is all because we're not loved, yo?" Todd asked as he came closer to her, his need for release clashing with his need for clarity. "Do you just want this because you're bored or lonely?"
"I want this because you want someone who knows what it's less about love and more about utility. I want someone I can use to fill this hole inside of me and I want to be used to fill a hole in someone else." She smiled at him then, a crooked and twisted smile, a smile of someone really, really sad inside. "You can fill the hole inside of me, Todd. The question is do you want me to fill the hole inside of you?"
"I do still want love, Tabitha...deep down..." Todd said, hesitant as the ramifications on what he was looking at began to hit him. "I...I do still want love later on...what if this..."
"No what ifs, Todd. Please." She drew him close and kissed him on the lips. They kissed for a moment and she pulled back to look him full on the face. "You tried love with Wanda and they treated you like a child. Fuck love. Let's live for our needs, now."
Todd responded by kissing her back and pushing her onto the soft bed. They grinded and groaned and moaned and wrestled against one another. Todd drew his long tongue down her neck and upper chest, ripping apart the soft material of her skimpy blouse in his need for release. Tabitha tugged fruitlessly at Todd's pants as their lip locking resumed. Soon they were both in just their underwear, sitting cross-legged and looking at one another with desire. A pause in the action was needed as Todd brought something up that worried him.
"Tabby, I..."
"What is it, froggie?"
"I...I'm still a virgin."
"Is that a problem?"
"Is it for you?"
"Not really. I'm still a virgin as well, Todd."
"But I thought...I thought..." Todd stammered as he touched her chest softly with a fingertip.
"You thought I was a slut who just got it on with everyone, Todd?" Tabitha asked in a neutral voice.
"No. Not that," Todd shook hid his head violently and slid his hand away. "I did think that you had gone somewhere with someone. It was the only way you'd have been as...as sexual as you were when you were here." Todd looked up as Tabitha reached out and placed his hand back on her chest.
"Todd, I teased Kurt and I teased Lance and neither of them bit. I may know what sex is and what it's all about but I've never done it. It was just something to be able to use over someone's head. A bit of power. But with you...I get the feeling you're a lot like me. Know it all...just have not done it."
"Yeah..." Todd said softly, his impish grin coming on his face.
"...so let's teach each other how to lust."
"Todd! Todd!!" Tabitha briefly rose from her post-coital nap to stumble to the door, casting a backwards glance at her new fuck buddy curled up in a small ball, a thin smile on his lips. She slid her eyes down his body and shivered with delight. Who knew a fellow virgin could give her such pleasure...and such a feeling of being complete? She stuck her head out the door and looked at Pietro.
"He's sleeping, speedy. Can I help you?"
"Oh. We were just trying to find you...um..."
"Yes?"
"Your crew wants to go. They sent me to find you...and Todd..."
"Oh. Ok. I'll be down in a few moments."
"Yes, Pietro?"
"Did you and Todd do something in his room?"
"Yes, Pietro. We had a long conversation and then a long, sweaty fuck fest. I'll be downstairs in a moment." At that she slammed the door in his face and went to begin retrieving her clothes. Todd woke as she was beginning to dress again and rubbed his eyes.
"What's going on, hun?"
"I got to go. The rest of the crew is waiting for me."
"Oh." Todd slid out of bed and stood up, his nakedness seeming both very old and very young in the dim light. He picked up a pair of boxers from the floor and slid them on then went to the door. "When you're ready to go, I'll walk you down."
"Don't you want to get a little more dressed first?" Tabitha asked with a smile.
"Fuck them. I've got you and I want to be half naked now. They'll just have to deal with it."
"As you wish froggie." She finished dressing and walked out the door, kissing Todd on the forehead as she did so. They walked down the stairs hand in hand and stopped at the base to see an entire house looking at them like they were carrying a new disease. Tabitha was the first to react, as usual. "See something you like?"
"Not really, Sheila," John responded. Wanda sighed and placed a hand over John's mouth to stop him but he shrugged her off and continued to speak. "I always figured you for a tart but I never knew you'd be so desperate to stoop to the little wart there."
"And what would you know about that, noodle dork?" Tabitha smiled meanly as she wrapped her arms around Todd. "You've not lived till you've had someone who actually touches you like someone who wants a good roll in the bed. And, from what I've heard, Wanda may well be the one rolling you, you git."
"WHAT???!!!" Wanda and John both screamed.
"Guys, please. We have to go," Amanda said loudly. "I'm going to get into trouble if I'm late."
"Especially if your dad found out that you were dating fuzzy behind his back, yo. I'll bet he'd confine you so long you'd go crazy dreaming about burying your face in his fur..." Todd said with a sleazy smirk, licking gently at Tabitha's tummy. Tabitha giggled and swatted playfully at the pale green boy which gave everyone, save Lance, a real taste of the gags.
"Look, let's just go. We'll be late too if we wait much longer," Kurt said as calmly as he could. The rest all nodded and walked out with thinly veiled disgust on their faces, again save Lance. Tabitha turned to Todd and kissed him on the cheek softly.
"I'll call you tonight, ok, froggie?"
"Sure thing, hottie." They kissed again and just like that Todd was treated to an awesome shot of Tabitha walking away with her ass gently rolling in her jeans. Soon the mansion denizens were gone and only the Brotherhood was there to deal with the still glazed looking Todd. John, again, had the misfortune of speaking first.
"Once a tart, always a tart..."
"Of course. That's why you're dating Wanda, I guess." At that John grabbed Todd by his arm and shook him strongly.
"Want to say that again, you slime ball?"
"What I meant to say was...that you're dating Wanda because in the long run a tart is too good for you..." Todd smiled at this just before John's fist came into contact with his nose. He was slammed back into the banister and John setup to encircle the green boy with a ring of fire.
"We're about to have ourselves some frog legs on the barby!!!" John screamed as he sparked his lighters. But nothing happened. He looked down and saw that Wanda had hexed the nozzles shut with a wave and her fingers sparkled with blue energy.
"No we're not, John. Lance and I are going to talk to Todd and the rest of you are getting the hell out of here," Wanda said softly. John tried to speak and his mouth was hexed shut and he was thrown bodily into the hall closet. Pietro and Fred wisely slunk out of the room leaving just the three to talk. Todd stood back up and walked to a position opposite the two of his leaders, his neck hurting slightly from the blow John had given him. Blood streamed from his face but he made no attempt to wipe up the mess.
"Todd did you and Tabitha have sex while we were down here?" Lance asked a neutral look on his face.
"Yeah. We did, yo."
"Did you and her use protection?"
"She's on the patch. She showed it to me before things got to far along," Todd responded, He knew that at this point he should be frightened at this line of questioning but he really just didn't care. He remembered her moaning and biting his neck at the apex of their interaction and he figured that if he could remember that moment for the rest of his life, he could deal with anything.
"That's fine, at least."
"I get the feeling that you both don't like me because of what I've done with Tabby, yo." At that, Lance let his gaze soften a little while Wanda kept her very pissed off look on her face.
"I just don't want Tabitha to use you. So long as she doesn't do that, I've got no problem with you and her being together. Once you're done with Wanda, I'll clean you up." Lance turned and went to the kitchen without another word. At this, Wanda began to speak, her voice very angry but also...hurt.
"Todd, why?"
"Why what, Wanda?"
"Why did you have to sleep with...with her?"
"I needed to fill a hole inside of me. She did as well. We fit each other's needs, Wanda," Todd responded as he finally wiped at the blood flow on his chest. Wanda just watched him as he wiped absently at the blood from his nose. "Besides, I couldn't wait for someone like you when you hurt me, especially when you found someone who liked hurting me just as much as you did, apparently."
"I didn't like hurting you, Todd..."
"Then why did you push me away?"
"Because...because you were not who I was looking for. John is."
"And so John is the one who's making you happy?"
"Yes."
"Then why are you asking me why did I sleep with Tabitha? You don't have the right to ask me why I did something when I didn't have the right to ask you why you wouldn't give me a chance." Todd walked closer to Wanda and looked at her strongly. "You can do to me as you like but you can't ask me things like this anymore and expect an answer. I'm not your little tag-along, yo. Not anymore."
"I'm asking because...because I don't want to see you hurt by her. You did save my life once," Wanda said softly.
"I'm using her for my needs and she's using me for mine. We're using each other and so what. So what? If I'm hurt again, so be it. But I'm a big boy now, Wanda. I'm here for me and me alone." He walked away from her and walked into the kitchen to get his face and nose taped up. Wanda just watched him go for a long time, ignoring the screaming of her trapped boyfriend to wonder just what had happened to her little nuisance.
The car stopped at the Xavier Mansion and Tabitha got out first, her face painted with a large smile and a glowing set of cheeks. Kurt almost immediately bampfed away to his room, leaving Rouge and Kitty to talk about what they had witnessed.
"Whoa," Kitty said softly.
"Yeah," Rouge answered softly.
"I never knew..."
"I never knew that Kurt still had some light feelings for Tabitha."
"Neither did I. I never thought Tabitha and Todd would get together like that." Kitty shook her head softly and looked at Tabitha's slow walk to her room. "This isn't going to end well, Rogue."
"Maybe it will...who knows?"
Kurt stood in front of Tabitha's room, his face dark and angry. Tabitha saw him and walked up to him with a sweet smile on his face. "I guess I triggered something, eh blue?"
"Tabitha...you...you're such a..."
"A what, Kurt? What am I?" Tabitha asked softly "A slut? A skank? A user?"
"You...you did that just to hurt me, Tabitha. Me and Amanda, you did that to us!" He was breathing heavily and looked as if he wanted to slap her hard. Tabitha stepped forward and placed a hand on his cheek. He slapped it away and she gently slapped him. The shock of the blow was enough to stop Kurt in his tracks emotionally.
"Kurt, if I wanted to hurt you and that girl you run with I could have done that a long time ago. Todd and me are us filling needs in each other. Todd is someone I can depend on, I'm going to be someone who can love him and treat him right for who he is." She kissed his cheek softly and opened her door. "Kurt, I loved you and you broke up with me because I didn't fit your needs. How can you be angry at me because I'm not going to hide that someone does fit mine?"
As the door closed she didn't get a chance to hear him whisper in reply, "I'm angry at you because I just can't move on, dammit..."
A/N: Wow. Such a delay in my work. Sadness. But still. This little lump fell out of me because this is a part of my life now, the whole fuck buddy thing. I needed a vehicle for this expression but I also needed to get over this writer's block I've been having.
This story might offend some people but as my loyal fans know about me is that I'm going to write these romantic stories as real as I can and as gritty as I can. I do Dark WAFF. It's what I do and I think I do it well. it's now up to you to judge. Give me feedback one way or another but please say something about this story.
I might do another part but honestly, this might just stand alone until my other stories get more love. I've been fighting this writer's block thing so hard that sometimes it makes me tired. But I'm writing again a lot more often and hopefully more will happen. So please review.