Hurt Before
DiSCLAiMER: None of the characters belong to me, other than Maddy. The song belongs to the Corrs.
A/N: This is only the 2nd Songfic I have done but I felt the song really fitted in with Sam's secret. It's supposed to be the day after "Moving On". I had to delete a line of the song which didn't fit so, yeah sorry!
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Although she wouldn't admit it, Samantha hadn't left her appointment early the evening before because she had lots of paper work, it was because her shrink had gotten just a little too close to the truth, and this disturbed Sam. She couldn't stop thinking about that night, not that it was all that long ago, but she had somehow buried it, tried to get it out of her thoughts, and now it was back on the surface. As much as she tried to concentrate on what Jack was saying, the image of that one night kept coming back to her.
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She's a girl in a world, she's moving as fast as she goes
Loves her mum and her dad, the only security that she knows
But at night, she's alone, she's dreaming of somebody new
Her someone for to hold, she's praying the dream will come true
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"Night Mom, night Dad!" Samantha yelled down to her parents who were sitting downstairs, as usual, watching TV.
"Night sweetie, sleep well!"
Sweetie? What do they think I am, 9? Samantha thought as she pulled off her clothes and slipped into a night gown I'm nearly 17 for god's sake! She got into bed. The warmth of the sheets made her feel secure as they shielded her against the cold night.
Closing her eyes, Sam felt all her worries melt away. She was alone, finally, and could focus on the one thing she wanted to hear, his voice. It was distant, as it was when she heard him face to face, but felt as real as the loud sounds coming from the lounge downstairs. Turn the TV down you idiots; some people are trying to dream! She nestled down further into the bed, drawing her duvet over her ears. Silence. Damn! She concentrated on his voice, his peaceful, soothing, beautiful voice, but she'd lost it, the moment was gone.
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Show me the way - show me, show me how
Help me be brave - for love
Show me the way - show me, tell me how
What do you say?
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Even beneath the sheets she heard the window open, the sound of footsteps echoed through her ears. She wanted to sit up, to kiss him, to tell him how she felt, but she felt herself completely unable to move. The figure moved over to Samantha. It stopped. Come closer, kiss me she silently urged him, but he stayed still, as if he was watching her. If I only had the strength to look at you, she told herself, but I need you, come closer. He finally moved, but not in the way she hoped. She screamed, his hand silencing it, until she finally gave up.
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There's a pain in her heart, she's trying so hard to unwind
Makes her cry in the night, when visions so real make her blind
Wants to break through the fear
Erasing the scars from within
Start a new kind of being - she's down and she's praying again
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Samantha sat outside the doctor's office, tears streaming down her face, her eyes closed. Even now, she saw him, his handsome face, his short dark hair, he was there with her. She wanted to tell somebody, but if she did... well she knew what I could do. She forced her eyes open. He had been so real, but now he was gone, and she felt empty inside, even though she knew he didn't really exist, that she just wanted him to protect her, to help her break the unstable shell which she called her life.
"Samantha Spade?"
She looked up. The woman was calling her name! That meant it was her turn, her chance to be clean from that night, from him, from all of it. She nodded.
"Would you like to come through?"
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Show me the way - show me, show me how
Help me be brave - for love
Show me the way - show me, tell me how
what do you say?
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The woman had a kind looking face, soft brown eyes and rosy cheeks. Samantha couldn't help not concentrating though. As much as she wanted to forget the... 'Thing' she also couldn't stop thinking about it. This woman meant well, but to be honest she was just driving Sam mad. Most of the things she said were just making her want to stop this whole thing anyway. And he was still on her mind, as if he was watching, trying to help her. Tell me what I'm supposed to do she silently pleaded with him, hoping she didn't look too strange to the doctor whose eyes were still focused directly on Sam's.
"I've changed my mind. I'm sorry," She stood up, tears in her eyes all over again, and ran out of the lady's office, down the stairs, out the front and into her car. Tears still spilling down her face, she pulled away from the clinic, not even stopping to look behind her she drove straight home.
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You see she's -
Turning the key, unlocking the door
embracing the rollercoaster world
stepping outside, with body and soul
taking whatever future holds
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Samantha took one last look at the note she'd left on the crowded dining room table and turned for the door. Taking the spare key from her jeans pocket, she shakily exited the house for what was probably the last time. Her plans, or at least what she'd decided after driving home, were to move away, have her baby and find a good job so she could look after the child properly. It didn't matter what had happened to her, the baby was still a living thing and she was going to make sure she cared for it with all her heart
"I love you," she murmured down at her stomach, which wasn't looking any different to normal.
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Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
and you know we've all been hurt before
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"Mommy, where are we going?" Five-year-old Madeleine Spade asked as her mom strapped her into the car.
"We're going on a vacation honey," Samantha got into the front seat and started up the car.
"I don't wanna go on vacation Mommy,"
"Maddy, I am so not in the mood for this," Sam adjusted the car's mirror, "We're going, and that is that,"
Maddy looked at her mom, a pout on her lips. Don't look at me like that, it's only gonna make it harder Sam thought, hiding her watery eyes away, focusing them on the road. It's not like I want to do this. She took a look at the beautiful daughter sat behind her and sighed. She looked almost like an exact copy of younger Sam, long blonde hair, bright brown eyes and a sulking face; yes, definitely Samantha Spade younger. She felt as though she wanted to grin, although it was the completely wrong time to do so.
"Can we go to Disney Land?"
Samantha really did smile this time. It was all she could do not to burst into tears all over again.
"No, Maddy, we're not going to Disney Land," this time her voice was softer, not angry anymore.
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You see she's -
Turning the key, unlocking the door
Embracing the rollercoaster world
Stepping outside, with body and soul
Taking whatever future holds
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"Are you sure this is what you want?" Helen looked into her niece's eyes.
"I will never be sure. You guys know what you're doing, and I don't," her face was now going white as she let go of Maddy's hand, "Give her to someone who will love her, do that much for me, okay?"
Helen nodded, although she still couldn't understand how Sam could give up Maddy just to be accepted into her own family again. It was not her job to judge people though, as she'd found out many times.
"You know you will always be accepted as part of my family, right Sam?"
She nodded at her aunt, once again not certain whether she was doing the right thing.
"Mommy, when does this vacation end? When can I come home with you?"
Samantha bent over her daughter and kissed the top of her head. Maddy looked up at her mom, still expecting an answer. No answer came.
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Yeah we've all been hurt before
So you're not alone..., no...
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"I love you Maddy,"
"I love you too Mommy,"
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You're not alone...
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