Notes: Random rambling galore! Ye be warned. If you're feeling confused
it's really alright because it'll all be explained laaater. :P Thanks for
the reviews, my pretties!
Anyways, may I present to you number 16!
Chapter six 'I'm not Light'
After...
After I'd finally entered my room, I-I...I don't remember. It'd always been this way: every time I'd try to recall this peculiar evening, at this particular moment, I couldn't. I just couldn't. Well, I could but only a little bit. If I'd said earlier I could only replace sounds and touches and scattered thoughts, it really was nothing compared to what would ensue. It's even more blurry, even more uncertain. I can remember only bits and parts, of feelings, of sounds. I don't remember clearly. At all.
What will follow, one might think that it's pretty damn clear and that I'm a bloody liar but I'm not, what will follow is more of how I imagined it to be, to have unfold more than how it actually occurred. Hence my very fertile imagination. I always said I wanted to be a writer or to be a painter or a songwriter and even a singer...yeah, a singer. I'd make a good singer, crap background, vain and attention-aholic and looks to die for, modesty withheld...Yeah, I always said I'd be a wicked lead singer in a rock band. If only...
But that's another memory, another door and it'll have to take a rain check, I'm afraid.
Yes, as I was saying, the distinct memories I have from this odd night are very scarce, most are brief, imprecise, foggy. He always says that I've locked it away, far, far away in my mind so I can't relive it. I always pinned him as daft as hell but honestly, I think he deserved some credit here; I truly don't ever want to relive that. Hell, nobody deserves that. Nobody. Not even your greatest enemy or rival and not even the greatest criminal or murderer. It was simply inhuman. There were no other words.
I didn't know what the hell it was, tough. What had happened, the pain, the voices, the sense of evil, how it had happened, at Christmas, at night, in a blur of feelings, of hate, of anger, why it had happened, happened to me, happened at all. I didn't know back there and I still don't. And for what it's worth, I probably ever won't know at all. Oh but he knows; I think he knew from the beginning he won't tell me. Shrugs it off with something along the lines of 'to protect you', 'to spare you' and my all-time favourite: 'because I love you'.
It's not really what I want to hear but it shuts me up good. (Plus I get a kiss!)
But, anyway, let's see...What had happened next? Ah, yes. I had just inelegantly collapsed to the floor, alright I was a true mess, my knees had become weak and had bucked under my weight. I remember how cold the floor had been against my flushed cheeks and sweaty forehead, I remember the loud, ugly sound my body had made when it'd landed on the ground. I remember the very thought I had in this instant: 'I still am conscious, someone up there really hates me'.
Couldn't I just die in peace? I mean come on, I'm on the verge of an apocalypse in my head and I'm still kept conscious? Let a chap die in peace, no? Nope, not me, not Draco Malfoy. Well, of course not. Fate would bugger me to the very last second of my existence. It would haunt me, stalk me, follow me through every single drop of hell I would go through just because it would want to admire its masterpieces. Bloody hell. Couldn't they all just leave me be? No, of course not.
I remember cursing at Father for leaving me here, at Mum for letting him do whichever he'd please, at Voldemort for keeping my father tight on a leash, at the world for coming up with more and more plans to ruin my already pretty ruined life, at everyone for not noticing something was wrong with me and lastly, at Potter for making me feel so shamefully good. I remember the loud sound of the blood in my brain accentuating even more at the mention of Potter. I felt I could actually pinpoint where and when it was pumped from the heart because it was so loud.
I think that's about where I utterly lost it. After that precise moment, I hadn't a single coherent thought left in my mind. I was demented, I'd gone bonkers. Literally. And then, something odd had happened. Well, odder than before at the very least. I remember a long, high-pitched, strident, piercing cry through the night. I vaguely remember how I tried, in vain, to poorly cover my ears as the sound persisted, and even augmented if such thing was remotely possible, and how I finally came to realize, 'realize' used as a very large term here, realize that I was the one screeching like a bloody banshee.
Ensuing, I felt powerful floods of free energy running through my entire body, so strong I was nearly convulsing. And they were so solid, they were almost tangible, I can still feel them, I could almost grip them with my feeble fingers. Those waves of raw power just rushed from my crumpled body to whirl frantically around, through the whole room. The drapes and curtains were ripped, the beds, the chairs and desks were pushed flush against the walls, the fire was blazing, its ashes in whirlwinds. The room was an entire mess.
I remember exactly how I felt: scared out of my skin. I think back on it, I try and remember the inhuman fear I felt back there and I still get chills down my spine, sweat on my skin, cold in my heart. It was plain to see that I was afraid of myself. And yet, I don't think that, back there, I was rational enough to grasp the fact that I was the one releasing this magic power. It felt strange knowing that this invisible force was coming from me while thinking that the cries and chaos were coming from some other being.
I could feel the flow of energy rising once more in me. I didn't want it to start again. I wanted it to stop but it wouldn't. I felt I was like a bloody waterfall, ceaselessly pouring out natural magic as they gush water. I could feel a battle going on inside my mind. An epic duel opposing good and evil, and oddly, an evil similar to the one I'd felt roaming in the halls. Light and Dark, good and evil but don't ask me where the Light and good combatants came from. I was anything but good, I was not Light, as it was common knowledge by now, Malfoy and all...
Still, I do remember something, a funny feeling in the very back of my mind, one I could easily pay no heed to. But no matter how much I tried to dismiss it, it always came back, haunting, nagging, taunting and yet, so small, so faint, so translucent nonetheless. The feeling was one of something being out of place, not fitting right, not being where it belonged. I felt as if something wasn't mine, as if I'd borrowed or even stole something which wasn't rightfully mine to begin with. As if I was exploiting, taking advantage, tapping in another's powers, as if...
I was growing frustrated and I couldn't even think about calming myself, I was out of my mind, almost literally. I was furious, I was in pain, I was incensed, I was infuriated. Rage, ache, anger, fury: I couldn't tell where one began and the other ended. And as I grew angrier and angrier, my shrieks grew louder and louder, as if in harmony with my mood, my state of mind. More bright waves of magic ravaged the room, hurling themselves at the walls, the ceiling, at the floor, at the windows. I didn't know what to do anymore, I was frustrated, I was desperate.
And I remember how I finally stopped screeching inanely. I can't really recall on how I did it though, I just did. But I felt better, much. The pain had vanished, the memories had stopped flashing and spinning in front of my weary eyes, the clash had seemed to end, the evil, gone. The room had returned to its normal state of quietness; it still was in shambles but it was almost peaceful. I felt bad at seeing it in ruins, with the drapes ripped, the walls burnt, the windows shattered, the furniture upside down, the ashes smearing the floor and carpets: the room simply...chaotic.
Yet I felt almost good. I felt relieved. I felt as if all worry had washed over me. I felt as if a new rain had cleaned my pain, my qualms, my troubles. I felt as if someone had taken the heavy burden I was bearing off my fatigued shoulders and body. It was all over now. It was the calm after the storm. I felt as if the good had won after all but Salazar only knew how in the world... But most of all, I didn't feel grateful, released, painless, safe, happy...No, most of all, I felt exhausted out of my body.
I thought I had been granted my wish at last. I though they had showed me pity, I thought they had shown mercy. I thought I had died, finally. I thought I was put out of my misery, that this had been the coup de grâce. I thought I would, after all, be granted this yearning, so often considered a curse and so seldom a blessing, some called Death and some the Great Oblivion. Either way or name, or any other for that matter, it meant the same thing: no pain, no sorrows, no cold, no heat, no rain...naught.
I saw that there was light just near the slit and half-open dorm door. And I actually managed to smile a little. I was relieved. I was delighted. The glow was so pretty, so soft on my eyes, so pleasant to my heart and soul, still recovering from the battles they had endured. It held a faint warmth and it enveloped my whole body with almost, because I'd just about swear they were real, imaginary silver wings so I felt safe and protected from any harm that may had come. I felt it caressed my soul and eased my fears.
I closed my eyes; this was it.
Then, suddenly, as if on cue or even as if it had been uncaged, a single ray of silver light flew right through the door in shambles, creating a perfect round hole in it as it was quickly followed by a whole sun of other beams showing the poor door mercy at last. The dorm was illuminated, it lifted my soul a bit. The gleaming wreath soared the room from side to side where they twirled, heading toward the ceiling to disappear almost instantly as they touched the tapestry. The room was dark and gloomy again and my heart fell.
I remember two small, bright dots shining in the shadows. A single pair of sparkling emerald pools. I could make out that this was were the silver light was coming form but there was only a faint radiance about whatever it was left. My eyes rolled back joining my head as my eyelids closed, almost by their own will, almost despondent. It wasn't going to end. I wasn't going to see the clouds above. I was staying here to be miserable...Or I was given a one-way only trip straight to Hell. I couldn't tell which was the worse.
I remember hearing curses, muttered obscenities by one hell of an angry voice...or was it really anger? I didn't really knew or care for that matter, you know. It was something about a mess, a dorm in ruins and something about me, I think. Well, it had to be me, there weren't any other poor souls down here so I guess it had to be about me...And then, I heard a gasp, a strangled one you get stuck in your throat and this one was never was let out.
At this, the pale aura quavered.
I heard the gasp and I wanted to laugh my arse off. I wanted to get up and laugh in whoever's or whatever's face it was standing just there in front of me. Because, after all, you have to agree with me that this was actually amusing, perhaps the event of the year. I, Draco Malfoy, was crumpled in a very sorry bundle, on the floor no less, eyes red and puffy, hair and clothes a mess, on the verge of new tears, old ones dry on my cheeks, not even having the floor to sit up properly, in the middle of a room that had obviously been viciously ravaged and ripped apart and demolished.
But it was just too damned dark. I was lost in a sea of fog, of blur. I couldn't see anymore, I felt the darkness shrouding me, taking me away where I wouldn't open my eyes anymore, where my heart wouldn't beat anymore. I was just so damn lost. I lost the little of coherent thoughts I had left. Everything was just revolving around in circles. It made me tipsy, dizzy. It made me sick. I had a lump in my throat, I couldn't breathe anymore. But, at least, the pain was gone. So were any of the earlier voices and foreign thoughts.
-----
I heard robes rustling around, I heard curses again. And then, nothing. I waited but it never came. Not a single sound, not a single sight, not a single feeling. I was afraid to open my eyes again. Afraid that I'd see those horrible memories again. Afraid that I'd see those awful images. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to see again. And half-afraid, half-relieved that I would be dead as a rock.
I was scared, I was cold, I was lonely. No, I wasn't lonely. Strangely, I could feel a presence beside me, a warm, comforting presence through the fearful shadows, through the deceitful obscurity. I would had almost sworn it had something with the silver light of earlier...or was it only a dream? And I felt a warm hand against my skin. I know I should've pushed whomever it was away but it felt so good, felt so right.
And then it happened. Dare I say again? But something in me broke. And there I thought nothing was left to break. Floods inundated my face and the warm shoulder. It's ironic how in about a good ten years, Draco Malfoy had never cried again but there he was, almost crying himself to death in front of a nobody, in front of someone he didn't even knew. Perhaps it was better that way, Malfoys' pride wouldn't be soiled, I thought with a snort. Yeah, right.
I felt a soft hand stroking my hair, tucking strands behind my ears. I felt a soft hand caress my cheeks, wipe away all of my tears. I felt strong arms encircling me, strong arms holding me tightly in a tender embrace, rocking gently back and forth. I felt silk lips at my ear, quite voice humming, shushing me, lulling me into sleep. They felt, the hands, the arms, the lips, like feathers and wings and for an instant, I wondered if this was a magical creature rather than a human being.
Still, for one of the first time in my life, I felt happy. I felt relieved but in a different way. Not as if I knew this was the only answer but really, really relieved. Even if I had to go through hell to get it. And I felt like I belonged somewhere, in this person's, creature's or whatever's arms, even if I hadn't the foggiest about who or what it was. I figured I just didn't care. It simply fit together. Everything fitted.
"Shh, it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. I'll take care of you, I promise you, Draco Malfoy."
So it would seem heaven actually followed hell.
Anyways, may I present to you number 16!
Chapter six 'I'm not Light'
After...
After I'd finally entered my room, I-I...I don't remember. It'd always been this way: every time I'd try to recall this peculiar evening, at this particular moment, I couldn't. I just couldn't. Well, I could but only a little bit. If I'd said earlier I could only replace sounds and touches and scattered thoughts, it really was nothing compared to what would ensue. It's even more blurry, even more uncertain. I can remember only bits and parts, of feelings, of sounds. I don't remember clearly. At all.
What will follow, one might think that it's pretty damn clear and that I'm a bloody liar but I'm not, what will follow is more of how I imagined it to be, to have unfold more than how it actually occurred. Hence my very fertile imagination. I always said I wanted to be a writer or to be a painter or a songwriter and even a singer...yeah, a singer. I'd make a good singer, crap background, vain and attention-aholic and looks to die for, modesty withheld...Yeah, I always said I'd be a wicked lead singer in a rock band. If only...
But that's another memory, another door and it'll have to take a rain check, I'm afraid.
Yes, as I was saying, the distinct memories I have from this odd night are very scarce, most are brief, imprecise, foggy. He always says that I've locked it away, far, far away in my mind so I can't relive it. I always pinned him as daft as hell but honestly, I think he deserved some credit here; I truly don't ever want to relive that. Hell, nobody deserves that. Nobody. Not even your greatest enemy or rival and not even the greatest criminal or murderer. It was simply inhuman. There were no other words.
I didn't know what the hell it was, tough. What had happened, the pain, the voices, the sense of evil, how it had happened, at Christmas, at night, in a blur of feelings, of hate, of anger, why it had happened, happened to me, happened at all. I didn't know back there and I still don't. And for what it's worth, I probably ever won't know at all. Oh but he knows; I think he knew from the beginning he won't tell me. Shrugs it off with something along the lines of 'to protect you', 'to spare you' and my all-time favourite: 'because I love you'.
It's not really what I want to hear but it shuts me up good. (Plus I get a kiss!)
But, anyway, let's see...What had happened next? Ah, yes. I had just inelegantly collapsed to the floor, alright I was a true mess, my knees had become weak and had bucked under my weight. I remember how cold the floor had been against my flushed cheeks and sweaty forehead, I remember the loud, ugly sound my body had made when it'd landed on the ground. I remember the very thought I had in this instant: 'I still am conscious, someone up there really hates me'.
Couldn't I just die in peace? I mean come on, I'm on the verge of an apocalypse in my head and I'm still kept conscious? Let a chap die in peace, no? Nope, not me, not Draco Malfoy. Well, of course not. Fate would bugger me to the very last second of my existence. It would haunt me, stalk me, follow me through every single drop of hell I would go through just because it would want to admire its masterpieces. Bloody hell. Couldn't they all just leave me be? No, of course not.
I remember cursing at Father for leaving me here, at Mum for letting him do whichever he'd please, at Voldemort for keeping my father tight on a leash, at the world for coming up with more and more plans to ruin my already pretty ruined life, at everyone for not noticing something was wrong with me and lastly, at Potter for making me feel so shamefully good. I remember the loud sound of the blood in my brain accentuating even more at the mention of Potter. I felt I could actually pinpoint where and when it was pumped from the heart because it was so loud.
I think that's about where I utterly lost it. After that precise moment, I hadn't a single coherent thought left in my mind. I was demented, I'd gone bonkers. Literally. And then, something odd had happened. Well, odder than before at the very least. I remember a long, high-pitched, strident, piercing cry through the night. I vaguely remember how I tried, in vain, to poorly cover my ears as the sound persisted, and even augmented if such thing was remotely possible, and how I finally came to realize, 'realize' used as a very large term here, realize that I was the one screeching like a bloody banshee.
Ensuing, I felt powerful floods of free energy running through my entire body, so strong I was nearly convulsing. And they were so solid, they were almost tangible, I can still feel them, I could almost grip them with my feeble fingers. Those waves of raw power just rushed from my crumpled body to whirl frantically around, through the whole room. The drapes and curtains were ripped, the beds, the chairs and desks were pushed flush against the walls, the fire was blazing, its ashes in whirlwinds. The room was an entire mess.
I remember exactly how I felt: scared out of my skin. I think back on it, I try and remember the inhuman fear I felt back there and I still get chills down my spine, sweat on my skin, cold in my heart. It was plain to see that I was afraid of myself. And yet, I don't think that, back there, I was rational enough to grasp the fact that I was the one releasing this magic power. It felt strange knowing that this invisible force was coming from me while thinking that the cries and chaos were coming from some other being.
I could feel the flow of energy rising once more in me. I didn't want it to start again. I wanted it to stop but it wouldn't. I felt I was like a bloody waterfall, ceaselessly pouring out natural magic as they gush water. I could feel a battle going on inside my mind. An epic duel opposing good and evil, and oddly, an evil similar to the one I'd felt roaming in the halls. Light and Dark, good and evil but don't ask me where the Light and good combatants came from. I was anything but good, I was not Light, as it was common knowledge by now, Malfoy and all...
Still, I do remember something, a funny feeling in the very back of my mind, one I could easily pay no heed to. But no matter how much I tried to dismiss it, it always came back, haunting, nagging, taunting and yet, so small, so faint, so translucent nonetheless. The feeling was one of something being out of place, not fitting right, not being where it belonged. I felt as if something wasn't mine, as if I'd borrowed or even stole something which wasn't rightfully mine to begin with. As if I was exploiting, taking advantage, tapping in another's powers, as if...
I was growing frustrated and I couldn't even think about calming myself, I was out of my mind, almost literally. I was furious, I was in pain, I was incensed, I was infuriated. Rage, ache, anger, fury: I couldn't tell where one began and the other ended. And as I grew angrier and angrier, my shrieks grew louder and louder, as if in harmony with my mood, my state of mind. More bright waves of magic ravaged the room, hurling themselves at the walls, the ceiling, at the floor, at the windows. I didn't know what to do anymore, I was frustrated, I was desperate.
And I remember how I finally stopped screeching inanely. I can't really recall on how I did it though, I just did. But I felt better, much. The pain had vanished, the memories had stopped flashing and spinning in front of my weary eyes, the clash had seemed to end, the evil, gone. The room had returned to its normal state of quietness; it still was in shambles but it was almost peaceful. I felt bad at seeing it in ruins, with the drapes ripped, the walls burnt, the windows shattered, the furniture upside down, the ashes smearing the floor and carpets: the room simply...chaotic.
Yet I felt almost good. I felt relieved. I felt as if all worry had washed over me. I felt as if a new rain had cleaned my pain, my qualms, my troubles. I felt as if someone had taken the heavy burden I was bearing off my fatigued shoulders and body. It was all over now. It was the calm after the storm. I felt as if the good had won after all but Salazar only knew how in the world... But most of all, I didn't feel grateful, released, painless, safe, happy...No, most of all, I felt exhausted out of my body.
I thought I had been granted my wish at last. I though they had showed me pity, I thought they had shown mercy. I thought I had died, finally. I thought I was put out of my misery, that this had been the coup de grâce. I thought I would, after all, be granted this yearning, so often considered a curse and so seldom a blessing, some called Death and some the Great Oblivion. Either way or name, or any other for that matter, it meant the same thing: no pain, no sorrows, no cold, no heat, no rain...naught.
I saw that there was light just near the slit and half-open dorm door. And I actually managed to smile a little. I was relieved. I was delighted. The glow was so pretty, so soft on my eyes, so pleasant to my heart and soul, still recovering from the battles they had endured. It held a faint warmth and it enveloped my whole body with almost, because I'd just about swear they were real, imaginary silver wings so I felt safe and protected from any harm that may had come. I felt it caressed my soul and eased my fears.
I closed my eyes; this was it.
Then, suddenly, as if on cue or even as if it had been uncaged, a single ray of silver light flew right through the door in shambles, creating a perfect round hole in it as it was quickly followed by a whole sun of other beams showing the poor door mercy at last. The dorm was illuminated, it lifted my soul a bit. The gleaming wreath soared the room from side to side where they twirled, heading toward the ceiling to disappear almost instantly as they touched the tapestry. The room was dark and gloomy again and my heart fell.
I remember two small, bright dots shining in the shadows. A single pair of sparkling emerald pools. I could make out that this was were the silver light was coming form but there was only a faint radiance about whatever it was left. My eyes rolled back joining my head as my eyelids closed, almost by their own will, almost despondent. It wasn't going to end. I wasn't going to see the clouds above. I was staying here to be miserable...Or I was given a one-way only trip straight to Hell. I couldn't tell which was the worse.
I remember hearing curses, muttered obscenities by one hell of an angry voice...or was it really anger? I didn't really knew or care for that matter, you know. It was something about a mess, a dorm in ruins and something about me, I think. Well, it had to be me, there weren't any other poor souls down here so I guess it had to be about me...And then, I heard a gasp, a strangled one you get stuck in your throat and this one was never was let out.
At this, the pale aura quavered.
I heard the gasp and I wanted to laugh my arse off. I wanted to get up and laugh in whoever's or whatever's face it was standing just there in front of me. Because, after all, you have to agree with me that this was actually amusing, perhaps the event of the year. I, Draco Malfoy, was crumpled in a very sorry bundle, on the floor no less, eyes red and puffy, hair and clothes a mess, on the verge of new tears, old ones dry on my cheeks, not even having the floor to sit up properly, in the middle of a room that had obviously been viciously ravaged and ripped apart and demolished.
But it was just too damned dark. I was lost in a sea of fog, of blur. I couldn't see anymore, I felt the darkness shrouding me, taking me away where I wouldn't open my eyes anymore, where my heart wouldn't beat anymore. I was just so damn lost. I lost the little of coherent thoughts I had left. Everything was just revolving around in circles. It made me tipsy, dizzy. It made me sick. I had a lump in my throat, I couldn't breathe anymore. But, at least, the pain was gone. So were any of the earlier voices and foreign thoughts.
-----
I heard robes rustling around, I heard curses again. And then, nothing. I waited but it never came. Not a single sound, not a single sight, not a single feeling. I was afraid to open my eyes again. Afraid that I'd see those horrible memories again. Afraid that I'd see those awful images. Afraid that I wouldn't be able to see again. And half-afraid, half-relieved that I would be dead as a rock.
I was scared, I was cold, I was lonely. No, I wasn't lonely. Strangely, I could feel a presence beside me, a warm, comforting presence through the fearful shadows, through the deceitful obscurity. I would had almost sworn it had something with the silver light of earlier...or was it only a dream? And I felt a warm hand against my skin. I know I should've pushed whomever it was away but it felt so good, felt so right.
And then it happened. Dare I say again? But something in me broke. And there I thought nothing was left to break. Floods inundated my face and the warm shoulder. It's ironic how in about a good ten years, Draco Malfoy had never cried again but there he was, almost crying himself to death in front of a nobody, in front of someone he didn't even knew. Perhaps it was better that way, Malfoys' pride wouldn't be soiled, I thought with a snort. Yeah, right.
I felt a soft hand stroking my hair, tucking strands behind my ears. I felt a soft hand caress my cheeks, wipe away all of my tears. I felt strong arms encircling me, strong arms holding me tightly in a tender embrace, rocking gently back and forth. I felt silk lips at my ear, quite voice humming, shushing me, lulling me into sleep. They felt, the hands, the arms, the lips, like feathers and wings and for an instant, I wondered if this was a magical creature rather than a human being.
Still, for one of the first time in my life, I felt happy. I felt relieved but in a different way. Not as if I knew this was the only answer but really, really relieved. Even if I had to go through hell to get it. And I felt like I belonged somewhere, in this person's, creature's or whatever's arms, even if I hadn't the foggiest about who or what it was. I figured I just didn't care. It simply fit together. Everything fitted.
"Shh, it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. I'll take care of you, I promise you, Draco Malfoy."
So it would seem heaven actually followed hell.