A nice long chapter this time. At this point, I don't know if it will only be a few more chapters or not. Readers may be blessed with a longer story than intended!
On with the fic. Bon apetite.
Gatty awoke in medical. He strained to open his eyes and attempted to force himself to sit up. However, he was not able to accomplish this. He fell back down onto the bed.
"You shouldn't try to sit up on your own. Not yet. Just relax. I'm sure it is hard for you to be calm when you're here with nothing to do, but you've got to try."
"What-"
"Shh, shh...don't try talking now. Just rest."
A hot cup of coffee was poured for him.
"Are you thirsty?"
He recognized the voice of the woman he had spoken with while visiting Shesta. He nodded yes in reply to her question. She helped him to sit up. He saw that next to him was a steaming hot cup of coffee.
"Did you want anything else in your coffee?"
"....what?"
Gatty had never known anything but black coffee. Limited supplies prevented him from doing so.
The nurse smiled and added some sugar to it. She asked him if he was ready for something to drink. When he nodded yes, she held the cup to his lips. He had never known coffee to taste as good as that. It helped him to forget the immense amount of pain he was in for a moment.
She set the cup down next to him.
"I'll be back in a little while with something for you to eat."
Gatty mulled over things while she was away. He remembered what he'd said...that he'd never end up here. He wouldn't be like the others. And here he was, injured, broken, lying in a bed at the medical ward and being spoken to soothingly by a woman who felt nothing but pity for him.
Broken...was he really broken? No, not quite. Not completely. Only slightly, and he was fixable. He started on another mind-numbing thought, but was unable to finish before passing once more into unconscousness.
He spent two weeks in medical and returned to Dirandau full strength, ready to take more.
"Fantastic! A few more battles, and we'll have hit twenty five!" Dirandau announced victoriously. Gatty had just delivered an order that another attack was scheduled in two days. It had been a wonderful start. The Dragonslayers still had quite a ways to go, but Dirandau was generally very pleased with their success.
Dirandau was about to leave, but Gatty interrupted him.
"Sir, the general wishes you to meet with his messenger. The General has urgent matters to discuss with you."
Dirandau glared at Gatty. "Why doesn't he ever talk to me himself? It's not as if I'm not one of his subordinates. It makes no sense."
Gatty knew the truth, but veiled it from Dirandau. He couldn't say anything, even if he wanted to. He had been ordered to keep that lie the same as everyone else. Simple really. All you had to do was tell yourself it never happened. No one would tell you otherwise. No one acted as if you weren't telling the truth. And after awhile, you could believe yourself too. After all, how does one measure truth but by how one's surroundings match up to one's ideals and memories?
"Sir, I do not know, sir," Gatty said. "He may have a problem with some of your battle strategies, or perhaps-"
Gatty knew the look Dirandau was giving him all too well by now. He shut his mouth and stood at perfect attention again.
"How many times must I explain to you the concept of a rhetorical question?"
"Sir, the manuals of protocol dictate that there is no such thing as a rhetorical question and as such, subordinates must answer all questions asked by their commanding officers, sir."
"So you're telling me I'm wrong?"
"...Yes, sir," Gatty said. He had grown to hate that question. How could he say otherwise? If he said no, that would bring into question why he had just said everything preceding that statement. If he said yes, that meant he had just called Dirandau a liar. "Gatty, retrieve this manual that you always speak of."
"Yes, sir," Gatty said. He broke from his status of attention and walked to his office. He then pulled down the precious manual and gave it to Dirandau, who had followed him. Dirandau flipped through it once or twice.
"Sir, the subject in question is on pa-"
The manual flew at Gatty full-speed, hitting him in the jaw. He closed his mouth, fighting the urge to nurse that new injury.
Dirandau leaned his hands on the desk palms down.
"The manuals are wrong, Gatty. Do you not understand this? They are wrong! You work for me. You do as I say, not what some book tells you. I outrank books by a long-shot. Something that can be so easily broken, destroyed...you trust that more than you trust me? Why do you persist in being so rude to me?"
Gatty took in a deep breath. He always used the same line of explanation for this question.
"Sir, in basic training, all recruits are given manuals to study and take to heart. It is one of our traditions," he said. Zaibach was new to such traditions, however the young soldiers had not known anything else for their entire lives, and so they could not help believing that things had always been this way.
"I asked you why you use the book, not why you have it!"
"Sir, those books were written by several generals who had seen many battles. The information inside each manual comes from a wise, battle-worn individual. It has been proven that intelligent societies are those in which the elders are trusted."
Dirandau slammed his fist down onto the desk.
"Do you intend to insult me with every answer you give?"
Gatty was nearly unable to keep himself from rolling his eyes. Dirandau was so paranoid. Everything he said was turned this way or that.
"Sir, that was not my intent, sir."
"I hear it all the time from others. I don't need to hear it from you. Not from someone who has already tried my patience to the breaking point and beyond. They mavey have more time in the army than I do, but that does not make me any less of a leader than they are. I was born to do this job and I intend to do it to be best of my ability. And you will help me, like it or not. Whether it is with your will or against it, you're going to help me. Stop resisting this idea and we can move on."
"Sir, I said no such thing. You have inferred more than is reasonable, sir."
Gatty still had hopes that Dirandau would see reason and stop acting the way he always did. His hope was wounded once more when Dirandau picked up the book and whapped Gatty across the face with it.
Dirandau spoke slowly. "That is what you told me. If you don't want me to infer things from your words, then do not say them. Anything you say that comes from your own mind is something which I have every right to judge and make assumptions about. So don't say anything unless you want me to be angry with you. Is that understood?"
"....."
"I said, is that understood?"
"No sir, it is NOT understood. I can not understand how you could have me as your second in command, a position which demands an advisory role, without allowing me the chance to offer advice or at the very least offer ideas that you have not thought of or heard yet. This is not the job of a second in command, sir."
"Is that what it says in your manuals?"
"Sir, have you read them, sir?"
"Are you questioning me?"
"...yes, sir."
"Why?!"
"So much that you do is questionable, sir."
Gatty had expected a hit or injury of some kind. However, Dirandau did nothing. He simply stared into Gatty's eyes with a horrid angry look on his face. Gatty knew that Dirandau was highly intelligent but had no idea what he meant to infer from staring into Gatty's eyes.
"Gatty..."
"Yes, sir?"
"Do you really believe everything you just said?"
"Yes, sir."
"Everything?"
"Yes, sir."
"And you believe nothing of what I say?"
"That is not true, sir. I simply stated that you are wrong sometimes."
"Very well. You believe that some things I say are correct and that the others are in conflict with what your manuals say?"
"Yes, sir."
"You use these manuals for everything?"
"Yes, sir. That is what I am supposed to do, sir."
Gatty took it for granted that all Zaibach soldiers should know the manuals by heart. He assumed that only a few who stood out felt they were above such paltry rules. Little did he know that no one ever read them.
"Gatty, you may leave. Find Shesta, Dallet and Guimel, and order them to come here. After that, report to Folken and give him a transcript of this conference."
"Yes, sir."
Dirandau laughed at him.
"Oh? You're not even going to ask why you should do all those things I told you to do?"
"...No, sir."
"But I thought you questioned everything," Dirandau said, smirking.
"No, sir. I question those things which are questionable."
"How poetic. How utterly poetic." Dirandau laughed. "Well, then. My handsome, young, debonaire poetic strumpet, you must be off now. Go do as I told you. In that order. And don't change anything about those orders, either."
"Yes, sir," Gatty said, bowing. He walked out, very glad to be leaving.
When Gatty returned to his office, he found it completely re-arranged and with many of its contents missing. He was bewildered by this.
Dirandau sat in his chair, contemplating which space on the shelf he should use for a book entitled, "The Human Anatomy and its Weaknesses." "What did Folken say?" asked Dirandau, not bothering to look up from his present activity.
"Sir, Lord Folken told me that your games are your own personal business and not to involve him unless there is a good deal of damage to Zaibach property, other than the Dragonslayers."
"And did he say anything to you personally?"
"...Yes, sir.."
"What was it?"
"Sir, he told me that...he expected to see me in medical quite often."
Dirandau laughed.
"I wouldn't doubt that," Dirandau said.
Dirandau placed the book on the shelf next to a book about the many different angles one can use to vary the use of the sword.
"Are you upset about how I've re-done this office?"
"No, sir."
"Don't lie to me."
"I am not upset, sir. I am confused as to why you have done this."
Dirandau smirked.
"Gatty, I want you to take a look at the books on this shelf."
Gatty did so and made a horrid discovery. This discovery was evident on his face. His jaw nearly fell off when it dropped, still hurt from earlier. This look pleased Dirandau very much.
"My, my, Gatty. You do look a bit ill. Perhaps you ought to return to medical. Do you think you'll survive?"
Gatty wanted to throw up. However, he knew this would not help his situation along.
"Sir, I will survive, sir."
Dirandau gave a haughty smirk.
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, sir."
"You're not going to curl up and die?"
"No sir."
Why did he have to keep asking? It was painful to answer. Gatty didn't know what he would do about this...His manuals...how could he do without them?! Gatty was full of panick, something he rarely suffered.
"You've seen the situation and assessed it. And you know you'll be fine?"
"Yes, sir."
"And you can do things on your own?"
"...no, sir..."
"Oh? Explain why."
"Sir, thought I know them well, I do not have my manuals memorized completely. Without them, I will not be able to discern what to do in certain situations."
Dirandau laughed.
"Looks like you're in a bit of a bind." Dirandau said, leaning back in the chair, looking quite at ease.
"You don't do well without a script, do you?"
Gatty was silent. Dirandau was simply making fun of him. He couldn't stand this. Dirandau was completely unprofessional and always playing those damned games. A lovely cycle it was. One is toyed with and then proceeds to toy with others. Those that one toys with will turn around and toy with still more others, and so it goes. Eventually, we are all toyed with and wondering why. But all we'd need to do is look at eachother and see.
"Oh, so you can't talk if you don't have your precious books to tell you what to say? I swear, you're just like that idiot Folken. He'd waste away if he didn't have his books. I don't get it. They're just books. I can destroy them. The spirit is stronger than any fucking book."
Dirandau put his feet up on Gatty's desk.
"I guess you are weaker than these books. And you know what I think of them. I can destroy them so easily. So that means I can simply destroy you. You're going to let me do that? You're letting yourself be so fucking weak that I could kill you without thought, without reason, without provocation. You're giving up. That's fine. You might as well. You'll die anyway and where will that leave me? In fact, let me take care of that now. If you're going to die, let's just take care of that now."
Dirandau jumped up on top of the desk and over onto the other side, taking Gatty completely by surprise.
"Alright, stay still so I can kill you."
Dirandau drew his sword. Gatty was petrified by the confusion of all this. Dirandau couldn't be serious. Ah, but then Folken was going to let him do whatever he wanted, wasn't he? ...but if Dirandau still wanted to kill him, what was that training session about? Gatty had about ten seconds to discover the truth to all this. In the end, he gave up and decided that surviving was more important.
"No, sir. I will not!"
Gatty tried to run, but Dirandau blocked his exit. He had no choice but to fight. Gatty drew his sword just in time to block Dirandau's first blow. Gatty was by no means a graceful or skilled swordsman, but he did well enough to last for a minute. He could not be expected to last long in a fight against the Captain, however. Dirandau's strokes were powerful and Gatty had immense difficulty in holding his sword against them. In his last effort, the sword was forced from Gatty's hand. He received a deep gash in his right arm. Gatty gave a cry of surprise. He had never been cut like that before. He had read several medical textbooks, but none gave gave any indication that these cuts stung so much.
"So are you going to die or what?"
Dirandau had paused in his movements to glare at Gatty, who was clutching his wounded arm. Gatty stared back at him with exhausted eyes. Was there to be no end to this insanity? The look that met his eyes indicated 'no'
"Gatty, are you really this fucking thickheaded?"
Gatty attempted to answer but he was backhanded before a word was uttered. He fell into the desk and lay to rest in an awkward position.
"I told you to defend yourself. Maybe you didn't hear me. You will DIE if you don't defend yourself."
Gatty attempted to stand up, still clutching his arm.
"Sir, I can't....I won't win...you know you're better at this than I am, sir..."
Dirandau plessed the tip of his sword against Gatty's throat.
"Then you die."
"Sir, you can't expect me to defeat you!"
"I don't," Dirandau said as he pressed the blade harder, breaking the skin.
"Sir, I need to go to medical for this injury. It will get infected."
"That doesn't matter because you're going to die."
"Sir you can't kill me. You need me."
"I am able to kill and have you under my control. The laws of science and probability tell me that you are a fool and a liar."
"Sir, if you are so intent upon killing me, then please do so. I have no further argument."
Dirandau's free hand clenched into a fist. His lips curled in disgust and anger. He removed his sword from Gatty's throat.
"You are such a failure," he said as he walked away.
Gatty gave one more look towards the bookshelf before walking down to medical. He still had little idea what Dirandau had been talking about.
Dirandau sat with his arms crossed, looking at the wall opposite Setso.
"You're not listening to me."
"I am listening. I have looked into this matter and I am telling you exactly what I have been instructed to tell you. You can't do this anymore."
"Fuck you..."
"You could at least try to maintain some semblance of diplomacy. I may be one of your peers, but I do outrank you."
Dirandau still refused to look at him.
"I need to do this. There is no law against it. Why is there such a problem?"
"Zaibach does not authorize mandates of religion."
"This is not religion."
"It is a religious service."
"No! It is in the STYLE of a religious service! It's completely different."
"You are asking them to view you as a god."
Dirandau stood up, knocking his chair over. His handmovements were dramatic. He was fit to kill at the moment, for he had little he could think to do to cool his burning anger.
"I am doing no such thing! You've never attended, so you wouldn't know! You don't know the first thing about leading people and keeping them motivated. No one fucking understands! Everything I try to do, everyone fights against."
Dirandau leaned close to Setso, very near his face.
"And why am I not allowed to talk to the General myself? Why do I have to talk to his office boy? I am one of his captains, so why does he persist in ignoring me so?"
"You have a reputation for rudeness and he does not wish to deal with this," Setso said as he reached a hand towards Dirandau's forehead. He pulled the tiara off of Dirandau's head and looked at it.
"What is this?"
Dirandau snatched it back.
"It is mine, that's what it is."
"That isn't authorised. Where did you get it?"
"Why does that matter?"
"Because you have no permission to wear such a thing and there is no record of you having acquired that piece of jewelry."
"Why should I tell you?"
"Because I ordered you to."
"You're just a messenger boy. You have no power."
It pained Setso to see Dirandau this way. He missed how Dirandau used to be. Bright, energetic, happy. He wasn't so damned rude to him. He actually held some measure of respect for him. Now the only people he bothered to respect were General Adelphus and Emperor Dornkirk, and the respect for Adelphus was waining. It seemed that the more he dealt with people, the less he could deal with them. He would become completely jaded some day. Perhaps he wouldn't even care about his men then. He wouldn't care about the emperor. He wouldn't care about anything. What would happen to him then? No pride, no dignity, no drive. Emotionless and lifeless, without motive or feeling. The army would kill him eventually. His spirit, troubled as it was, would never last under such constraints.
"I need only report your lack of cooperation to the General. He will then have you severely punished. We all know how much you love being put on restriction."
"....."
"Dirandau, why are you doing this? I came down here to give you a review of your conduct and battle success. You respond by barraging me with some old request that has been denied at least ten times."
"Because I know I'm doing well and I'm sick of no one listening to me. Damnit...you idiots leave me here alone and then expect me to do perfectly fine. I do not appreciate being abandoned like this! If I have to ask permission for things and no one replies, how the hell am I supposed to get things done?"
"You'll get them done the same way everyone else does. Without question or complaint."
"No, I'll do them the right way. My way. You want to tell me what the fuck to do, you come down here to do it. You don't send me your damned little messages. Especially if they are full of insults like they have been as of late. I will hold my services and that is all there is to it."
He placed the tiara back upon his head.
"I will wear this because no one can force me not to. You can order me to, but unless someone higher orders me to and gives me reason for it, I will not take it off."
Setso sighed. Dirandau had a perfectly good argument. No one was going to do anything. There was only so much they could force him to do. Like a spoiled prince, no advisor could force him to re-think his actions.
"And where will you hold these services?"
"I will find something suitable for a chapel. If nothing else, I will use my throne room."
"The General will not be happy about this."
"So?"
"He's your leader."
"He isn't leading me. He's doing nothing for me. He won't even see me. Hell, at least Folken will talk to me. The general doesn't even bother to let me come to him. I don't give a damn anymore. Let him live or die. It has no effect on me."
"Dirandau, you're sounding so traitorous these days."
"On the contrary, I am one of the few that is not betraying Zaibach. Everyone else has their personal agendas and they are getting in the way. All the things I do, I do for my country. I do them for my men and together, we accomplish the missions which Zaibach needs us to."
Dirandau stood up.
"I'm leaving now. I won't wait for your order, nor will I ask you for permission. You wouldn't give it to me anyway. I bid you goodbye."
Setso sighed. He then marked on one of his papers that Dirandau was now completely unruly.
Gatty had a lovely time with the nurse from medical. She was sweet to him. She saw something different in him and wished to cherish that while it lasted. He spoke to her about politics, the weather, what have ye. She listened to it all without showing signs of her boredom. She wanted to let him think at least one person was interested in what he had to say. All these boys were so lonely and she tried to help fill their voids. If only she realized she was unable.
Gatty smiled at her.
"Mind telling me your name, miss?"
"Heiko."
"That's a lovely name. Where are you from?"
"Here," she said as she rose from her seat to go put things away. She did not want to discuss herself. The last time she did that, the man she was talking with became so attached that he killed himself because she could not stay with him all the time.
Gatty was about to ask her more, but she was saved by a happy circumstance. Dirandau had barged his way into medical.
"Finished?"
"Yes, sir."
"Then why the hell are you sitting around here?"
Heiko spoke up timidly. She always acted strangely about him. She didn't know how to feel...he was...well..he hurt these boys so very much. But he had his reasons, pointless as they were.
"Sir, he needed to rest a moment. I didn't want him to pass out."
"He's in training. He's supposed to pass out."
Heiko bowed.
"I apologize, sir."
"Of course."
On the whole, Dirandau was exceedingly generous to Heiko. Gatty didn't understand it. He wondered if perhaps Dirandau and Heiko were in some illicit love affair...but that didn't fit. Dirandau, have a love affair? After the trouble he'd put Gatty through over that girl? But then there was no explanation. He looked at the two looking at eachother, these three pairs of eyes each betraying and hiding their own complicated emotions.
"Is he fit to leave?"
"Yes, sir."
"Wonderful! Come with me, Gatty. We've got something important to do."
Gatty was saddened by the fact that he had to leave Heiko and the medical ward. It really was quite a relaxing place.
Dirandau took Gatty to his throne room and ordered him to stand at attention at the front. Gatty assumed this was one of their usual meetings, in which they were lectured on their performance. It was strange, however, that they had all been ordered to sit cross-legged. Dirandau never allowed them to sit.
He leaned towards Shesta.
"What's going on?"
"Oh, something very good!" Shesta said, smiling. He always loved these services. Most of the Dragonslayers did. Miguel thought they were a waste of time, but he was, for the most part, alone.
"What is it, exactly?" He supposed that if Shesta liked it, it couldn't be all that bad.
Shesta didn't have time to answer him. Dirandau took his place at the front of the group. He took their role and the service began.
Note: All lines in parenthesis are repeated by the Dragonslayers. All other lines are said by Dirandau.
"All rise.
For the future (For the future.)
For peace (For peace)
For Gaea (For Gaea)
Be seated.
We gather in this hallowed room to draw upon the strength of our brothers and of our heritage. Our people are strong, and this is why we live today. Through war and strife, our people have always prevailed.
Let us be thankful.
(Let us be thankful.)
Let us be loyal.
(Let us be loyal)
Let us take this time to think upon our lives and our purpose. There is a purpose for each of us, inscribed and recorded for the good of Zaibach. All rise.
((Break for hymn))
Let us hail the morning victory with an inner light.
Let us hail the morning victory with an inner light.
Let us find strength in our great Emperor.
Let us find strength in our Lord.
Let us find strength in our brothers.
Let us find strength in our countrymen.
Let us hail the morning victory with an inner light.
Let us hail the morning victory with an inner light.
((End of hymn))
Be seated.
In times of fear, we must remember who it is we work for.
(We work for our Emperor, our Lord, our people, ourselves)
We must remember what it is we work for.
(We work for peace)
We must remember that we will prevail.
(And be victorious)
We must not give in to the fear.
(To give in is to betray.)
All rise.
((Break for hymn))
In times of fear, we shall remember and we shall be victorious.
In times of strife, we shall persevere.
In times of need, we shall aid others.
We shall be victorious, righteous and good.
We shall be victorious, righteous and good.
((End of hymn))
Let us remember the truths we are to hold fast to (And those that presented them to us.)
Let us remember the four standards of perfection (That we may achieve perfection in all we do.)
Motivation (Motivation)
Ability (Ability)
Attention to detail (Attention to detail)
Devotion (Devotion)
Perfection is necessary to our goals (And should always be strived for.)
Perfection is necessary to our goals (And must be achieved.)"
Gatty was, for the most part, horrified by this. Zaibach soldiers were supposed to be very loyal and loving of their country, but these men were...psychotic. After they were dismissed Gatty walked over to Dirandau, who was putting his papers in order.
"Sir...I request to speak with you about this meeting."
"If you would like to apologize for your previous foolishness, do not bother."
"No, sir, I don't have any apology to offer."
"What is it you want, then?"
"Sir, I must request that you not involve me in these meetings any longer."
Dirandau stared at Gatty.
"Why not?"
"I am an atheist, sir."
"Yeah? So am I. So what?"
"Sir, as an atheist, I desire not to be forced into attending religious services."
Dirandau threw his papers onto the ground, which was a shame because they had been in perfect order and were now scattered.
"What the fuck is wrong with you people?! THIS IS NOT A RELIGIOUS SERVICE!! It is merely an exercise in motivation and maintaining pride!"
He did not seem so much angry at Gatty as he was frustrated that no one understood him or what he was doing.
"Sir, I apologize, howe-"
"I don't want your apology."
"Then I shall not give it again, sir."
"You have learned nothing from me."
"It is not your teaching methods, sir. That I can assure you."
Dirandau rubbed his forehead.
"You are a complete failure. How do you not understand? I scream it right at you and you still don't hear me."
Dirandau crossed his arms. He started for the door.
"I want those papers in order in my office within the hour. After that, go do something. Anything, I don't care what. You are useless to me. Absolutely useless. That is why I won't hit you now. I won't beat you. I won't even touch you. Because you won't learn from it. You can't learn, it seems. You can't...or you won't. And I can't work with someone who doesn't understand me. If I could, Folken and I would get along just fine. So go do what you do. Waste your time with that wench if you like. Neglect your training and don't bother learning my rules. It's not like you'll be doing much. You're going to die soon anyway, so it won't matter if you learned or not."
Dirandau left, angry and depressed. He wondered if perhaps Folken would relent and allow him to get rid of Gatty now. However, he didn't want that. He saw that perhaps there was some potential in Gatty. All he needed to do was to make the idiotic man understand him. But that was proving so impossible. Dirandau wondered if maybe it was himself. He had taught the other Dragonslayers well, trained them to be exactly what a soldier is supposed to be. But Gatty...his techiniques didn't work with him. He thought perhaps they were going to work when Gatty had actually managed to continue getting up in that first breaking down exercise. But every attempt after that to reach him had failed. And as each excersize failed, so did Dirandau.
"There has to be a way," Dirandau said to himself as he drank his nightly bit of wine. "There has to be."
I wrote a good deal of this fic with the songs "I will survive" on repeat. I think that song is slightly fitting for this whole fic. Um...minus the fact that the characters normally don't know whether or not they will survive, as well as the fact that they have not overcome their mental incapacitations and their horrid past injuries.
Response to reviewers.
Jhaylin - I haven't decided when this story will end yet. It will not stop before the series, though. It may continue a little after that. I'm not sure how long after that, however.
Threshie - Heh. But I like the Madoushi.
Shelley Quills Webster - ::Makes pretty puppy eyes at Shelley Quills Webster.:: Thank you much, snuggle-bunny.