Mourning Over, Never
by: so-close
Summary: Some things are worse than death. Carter POV
Pairing: SJ
Season: Any
Rating: PG-13, for language
Disclaimer: Nothing associated with Stargate SG-1 has anything to do with me, with the exception of obsession.
I love you.
I knew long ago, but only now, only after watching you--motionless--and being frozen in that moment of inconceivable terror, realizing there was nothing, no matter how much I wished or how hard I tried, that I could do for you, have I let myself see it. And only now do I realize that over the past seven years, I've been busy making the biggest fucking mistake of my life.
Perhaps God is punishing me for some unspeakable evil in a past life. Ironic, isn't it...to be punished by something you don't even believe in? Or maybe it's me, and all I really am is an unintentional masochist, doomed to regret every self-inflicted wound and count the scars.
The doctors told me you were gone by the time you hit the ground, that you were never really aware of what happened, but I don't believe them. For the sake of my sanity, if any at all remains, I need to know that you heard me, that you knew, even for a few moments, that I cared and that I never left your side.
I don't know how much longer I can take it. The greatest pain in the world is to want one thing, one moment--a touch, even, if I dare hope so much--and know that you'll never have it. All these years, everything I'd ever wanted was right beside me and I was too preoccupied with careers and regulations, to damn blind to see it. Knowing that I'll never be able to feel your arms around me again, to be able to give myself to you, to know what it's like to wake up beside you...it's the worst torture anyone could ever imagine.
If there's anything to look forward to after this life, or even if there isn't, it must be better than this hellhole of misery. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't breathe without thinking of you. And I suppose I deserve it for being so stupid.
I miss you more every day, Jack...
Maybe you were the lucky one...