The party was at a frat house. Naturally there was drinking. Maddy was quiet the whole time in the car, just listening to her friends chatter away and slapping Ryan's hand every time he put it just a little too far up her leg. But once she got to the party and got a few good drinks in her, everything changed. It was easier for her to chatter about nonsense than to think about the book she was currently engrossed with—Of Human Bondage. It was a brilliant book but she couldn't imagine that anyone at the party would be interested in hearing about it. Certainly none of her friends. Maybe if she found a literature major. Conversation, however, was not the point of the party. Drinking and dancing and hooking up were. The music was too loud to have a conversation without shouting, so people didn't bother.

Maddy danced with Ryan most of the time though sometimes she danced with other guys and even girls. It was just good, clean, boozy fun. Nobody was getting hurt. It's not like this was some kind of insane hazing party.

Ryan went over to Maddy and said to her: "Let's go upstairs." The unspoken end to that sentence was "to make out," and Maddy knew it.

"Sure," she said easily. Honestly, she was tired of the party and was getting a headache. She figured she'd let Ryan feel her up a little and then she could get him to round up the gang and go home.

They had to traipse up three flights of stairs before they found a room that wasn't occupied or locked. They stumbled as they went and Maddy suspected that Ryan was a lot drunken than she was.

Once they were lying on the bed, Ryan got aggressive, kissing her, pushing her shirt up, trying to unhook her bra, putting a hand up her skirt. That when Maddy knew that he wasn't going to be satisfied with a make-out session and she resigned herself to sex. They'd slept together a few times before and she knew what it would be like and she reminded herself that it would probably be over pretty quickly. The last thing she wanted to do was argue about this. She was just too tired. And besides, Ryan was a good boyfriend. No reason not to keep him happy.

"Condoms," Maddy whispered in Ryan's ear.

"Huh?" he said rather stupidly.

"Do you have a condom?" Maddy enunciated each word. She may have been tired, but she wasn't stupid.

Ryan felt around his pockets and took out his wallet, but he didn't have a condom.

"Oh, well, I guess we ought to get going, then," Maddy said, maybe a little too cheerfully.

"No way," Ryan said, sounding cheated. "There's other stuff we can do."

Maddy knew what Ryan was referring. They had never done that before and now didn't seem like the time to start.

"No, I don't want to," Maddy said and tried to sit up, tried to push Ryan off her, but he purposely kept her pinned. "Ryan, please, get off me," she said.

For a moment she thought he was going to, but then he said, "What's wrong with you? You're like an ice queen. It's always no, no, no. Even in the car, and I wasn't really doing anything. What are you, a lesbian or something? Well, I'm sick of it."

Before Maddy could argue, Ryan became even more aggressive than before—violent, really. He pushed up her skirt, ripped her underwear, then unzipped his jeans and pushed them down.

"No! Ryan, don't!" Maddy screamed. But nobody heard her. Nobody came running.

He thrust into her and she screamed again.

Ryan collapsed on top of her.

That was fast, even for him, she thought vaguely. Then: I was just raped.

My boyfriend raped me.

My ex-boyfriend now, she thought.

Maddy looked at Ryan. He wasn't lying there with a satisfied look on his face, he was passed out. Maddy easily pushed him off her.

She got up off the bed, threw her ripped underwear in a small trash can and smoothed down her skirt.

I've got to tell someone, she thought. Then: nobody will believe me.

Then a wave of dizziness washed over Maddy. She slid down to the floor leaning against a wall. She started sobbing.

What am I doing? What have I become? she wondered. What sort of life is this?

Well, I can't do it anymore. The semester is over in a few weeks. After finals I've got to get out of here. Go as far away from this place as possible. By myself. And maybe never come back.