My sense of duty is probably my greatest virtue. Not, I reflected, that it had a great deal of competition. It was duty which led me to pay Dumbledore a visit. Once there, however, I found myself strangely reluctant to explain the problem.
"Severus," sighed Dumbledore. "Will you please stop pacing about like that? You are wearing a track into my carpet. Come, sit down, have a cup of tea…."
"Tea? Tea? I don't want tea." I paused, then added grudgingly, "Thank you."
"What is the matter?" Dumbledore peered at me over his half-moon glasses. A half-smile lingered on his face. I can never see that particular smile without experiencing a desire to remove it. Preferably, with violence.
"Nothing," I grunted. I folded my arms across my chest to reinforce this point.
Dumbledore raised a patient eyebrow. "My dear Severus, I am always delighted to see you. But you are not in the habit of visiting me to discuss nothing."
"Potter," I growled after a pause during which I scowled ferociously at Dumbledore's phoenix. It was a pathetic mess of grey fledgling feathers at the moment. It must have had a Burning Day recently. However, I could have sworn the creature winked at me.
I seemed to recall that the thing was yet another member of Potter's misguided fan club. It had never shed a crystalline tear for me. However, I had also heard from some source or another that it was this phoenix who supplied Voldemort with the feather for his wand core. If that were true, it hardly testified to the bird's powers of taste and discrimination.
"Harry?" Dumbledore said, in suspiciously surprised tones. "Ah. Now, what is the problem? I thought you and he were getting along rather better since the summer."
"He needs more Occlumency lessons," I muttered. I gave Dumbledore a look which defied him to argue. "But I refuse to teach him."
Dumbledore's eyebrow performed again. "Now why is that? I really thought the lessons were going well this time."
I was unclear whether he was asking why Potter needed further Occlumency lessons, or why I was unwilling to provide them. I chose to interpret his query as the former. It was so much easier to answer.
"He has made progress," I conceded. "But…Voldemort is up to something, Albus. The Mark on my arm has been hurting constantly, for several days now. Potter is still a novice at Occlumency. If the Dark Lord makes a really sustained attack…"
"I see. You are worried that Harry will fall prey to him."
Only the ever present pain in my arm had finally convinced me, reluctantly, that I should alert Dumbledore to the danger potentially threatening Potter. I have, as I have said, a very strong sense of duty. It has caused me to save that boy's life on a number of occasions, regardless of my own finer feelings in the matter.
So, I glowered at Dumbledore and pointed this out to him. "I am not worried about him. I do not care about him."
"Of course not," Dumbledore murmured. He was half-smiling again. "I'm afraid I will have to ask you to continue the Occlumency lessons in that case, Severus. There does seem to be a continuing threat. Since – as you have stated - you are so indifferent to Harry, I am sure it will not be a problem for you…"
"Aren't you listening to me, Albus!" I snarled. "I do not want to teach the boy!"
"Has Harry upset you in some way?" Dumbledore asked gently.
"Upset me? How could he upset me? I have already told you, I do not care about the boy, so how could he upset me? He…annoys me."
"He annoys you. I see. Well, I fear I must ask you to control your irritation for a little longer. Come, now, you have been hiding your dislike of him very well these past several weeks…I am sure you can manage to cope with him for a while longer yet."
I ground my teeth.
"I will have a message sent to Harry," Dumbledore continued calmly. "After dinner, your rooms, shall we say? Yes, that would be best, I think. Best start tonight, if Voldemort is making a move to attack him. I myself, as you know, will be away on business for a couple of days…"
I gazed at him in mute horror.
"Albus…" My voice rose in a squawk.
"Was that a yes to the tea, Severus? A slice of lemon with it, perhaps?"
A sense of duty is a terrible thing. I was in debt to Dumbledore, for favours past. It was this sense of duty that – as so often – prevented me from attempting to hex that thoroughly infuriating smile off his benignly nodding face.
It was the same sense of duty, I reflected bitterly, that had landed me in Dumbledore's chambers and in this predicament in the first place.
Harry was not in the best of tempers. His scar hurt. Ron was still being completely unreasonable. Snape was still being completely unreasonable. He had heard Harry's explanation. He had even acknowledged Harry's apology. But then he had just…dismissed him, as if he were of no account. And after everything Snape had said to Malfoy, as well: even though he had least obliviated the memory. That made them both even, in Harry's book.
Harry was in the Gryffindor Common Room. They had just had lunch, and it was by far too wet, windy and cold to go outside for the remainder of break time. Harry, unwilling to enter into conversational niceties with anyone, was lurking on a window seat, hidden by a curtain. He supposed he should not have been surprised when he heard Ron and Hermione's voices from close by; it was the part of the room where all three of them normally sat.
They were talking about him, he realized with annoyance. He debated whether to show himself, or to remain hidden. Curiosity won. It wasn't as though he were actually trying to eavesdrop on them…
"Look, Ron," Hermione was saying patiently. "I really don't think you're being very fair…"
"But he's been like this for months, Hermione!" Ron protested. "It's not just because of that stupid row last week...He's not been talking to me, not properly, for ages. After everything we've been through together! He insisted on moving into the attic at Headquarters so he didn't have to share a room with me. He's been shutting me out ever since. And he's always running off to see bloody Snape. Do you think he's gay?" Ron continued anxiously. "I mean, he does seem to have got this weird thing about Snape lately.."
"Oh really, Ron," said Hermione. "That doesn't mean he's gay. And so what if he is, anyway?"
"I don't mind him being gay," Ron replied indignantly. "At least, as long he remembers that I'm not. I mind him going for Snape."
"You forget, Ron," Hermione said gently. "You've got five elder brothers, both parents, and an extended family. Harry hasn't got anyone but us since Sirius died. He needs more than that. Anyone would. It doesn't mean he doesn't want you as a friend anymore….And, you know, I think he's been affected worse than we realize by what his relatives did to him over the summer….and in any case, he's been really depressed….I think that's why he's been so withdrawn..."
Harry could bear this analysis of his situation no longer. As if he didn't spend enough of his life feeling like some kind of freak….
"Do you two MIND?" Harry said suddenly, pulling the curtain aside with a fierce jerk. "I CAN hear you, you know."
"Oh!"
Hermione and Ron's heads whipped around; their faces dropping as they realized that Harry had been sitting right behind them during the course of their conversation.
"Um, sorry, Harry," Hermione said in a controlled voice. "I didn't realize you were there. Well: you must have realized that, and listened anyway.... We're concerned, that's all…I just wish you and Ron would stop being so silly and talk to each other…"
Harry grunted.
"Look, mate," Ron began awkwardly after a difficult pause. "I didn't mean…. I mean...it's just that you…"
Hermione and Ron wore twin troubled expressions.
"Oh, don't let me interrupt you," Harry said to them gruffly. "You can carry on your conversation in peace. I'm off."
He stomped off. He didn't want Ron and Hermione to be friends with him because they felt sorry for him.
He really wanted to be alone, he realized. He was so fed up with all of this. He couldn't find solitude in the Common Room or the library, he mused, people wandered in and out of there all day.
The façade of the castle with its jutting towers drifted into his head. The Astronomy Tower, he thought. No-one would ever think to look for him there. It was out of bounds to unaccompanied students. Harry set off with a burst of energy.
It was cold and windy at the top of the Tower. Harry leaned against the parapet and stared up at the sky. Bulbous dark clouds advanced in battle formation. There was going to be a storm, he thought.
He wrapped his robes more closely around him. He was chilled, but he didn't care. He was also going to miss class, but he didn't care about that either.
He had already been crouching at the top of the Tower for quite a while when the dull ache in his scar erupted into a flare of hot pain. It was as though his skull were being ripped apart.
Harry yelled, clutching his head, and writhing on the stone floor of the observatory platform. It hurt so much he could scarcely think, as if a chisel were being hammered into his brain. Dimly, he felt his body convulse as it remembered it needed to breathe. Harry fought for air, even as he wondered dizzily whether his head really was blown apart into scattered fragments.
Into this gaping hole, slank a creature with red eyes. Harry tried to yell again, and realized he could not. The creature, with its white snake-like face and flat nose, had imprisoned him in an embrace as strong as steel hawsers and about as comforting.
"Good afternoon, Harry Potter," a thin voice hissed in his head. It oozed glee.
The brat was late to the evening Occlumency lesson Dumbledore had so very thoughtfully arranged. Or perhaps he had decided not to come at all. It was an interesting dilemma: would I be more aggravated with the boy if he did turn up, or if he did not? Dimly, I recalled that he had been absent from the Gryffindor table at dinner. Doubtless he was sulking somewhere in a corner…
I was exceedingly annoyed with Dumbledore's interference. It had been most public spirited of me, I thought self-righteously, to go and alert Dumbledore to the possible threat to Potter. See how he repaid me. I had told him I wanted nothing more to do with the boy.
I wondered where he was. He was not usually more than a few moments late…
I pondered, tapping my fingers restlessly on the desk. Perhaps I should send a message up to the Gryffindor Common Room. Perhaps he had not received Dumbledore's message earlier that day.
The banging on my door interrupted my thoughts. Instantly, I was furious. So. Potter was just very late. How typical, that he thought he could waltz in here at any time he found convenient.
I wrenched the door open.
"Yes?" I barked.
It was Granger. With Weasley. Neither of them had ever had the gall to show up at my private rooms before. I drew myself up to my full height, and scowled down at them.
"To what," I inquired softly, "do I owe the – ah – pleasure?"
"Is Harry here?" Granger demanded. She sounded anxious.
"Potter? No," I informed her with something of a snap, "Although he is supposed to be here for a tutorial…The Headmaster sent a message…"
"Is that what it was?" Weasley interrupted. His long face was twisting anxiously. "He never got it…look…Colin Creevey left it on his bed for him, hours ago...he can't have been back to the Gryffindor Tower, because he hasn't picked it up…"
I took the parchment from Weasley's thrusting hand. Its seal was not broken. So. Potter had not received the message from Dumbledore telling him of our appointment.
"Are you sure he's not here?" Granger blurted out.
I looked at her with dislike. "Yes, Miss Granger. I am not inviting you in to check behind the sofa and under the beds, but I can assure you I am quite positive he is not here."
"Then he's missing," she stated flatly. She radiated tension and anxiety. Her bushy hair seemed to crackle with it.
Something of this communicated itself to me.
"Missing?" I said sharply. "Why would you assume he is missing, rather than simply indulging in a quite understandable urge to avoid your company?"
"No-one's seen him since just after lunch," Weasley said quietly. "We had Defence Against the Dark Arts this afternoon. He didn't turn up."
"Possibly Potter feels he knows more about the subject than the latest semi-competent the Headmaster has managed to persuade to take on the position," I sneered, rather waspishly. I had – yet again – offered to take up that job. I had – yet again – been denied it.
I began to feel rather uneasy, though, nevertheless. In fact, when I considered the matter, I had been feeling troubled all afternoon. I had put it down to the intensity of the pain in my arm, and the prospect of an evening spent with Potter. Last time I had experienced this nagging sense of unease, however, I recalled….Potter had locked himself in my spare bedroom, and….
"Where have you checked?" I asked sharply. I strode back into the room and donned some outer garments as I spoke. It was storming outside, and the Castle corridors breathed ice and damp.
"Everywhere," Granger said unhappily. "Common Room, library, Room of Requirement, empty classrooms, kitchens, Owlery…"
That meant little. Hogwarts was large and rambling. If somebody wanted to hide, there were any number of possibilities.
The Headmaster was away, visiting the Ministry in London. I thoroughly expected that the boy had just wandered off somewhere to be on his own. In which case, I thought grimly, when I found him I would throw him off the Castle parapets for causing me so much trouble.
Hmm…Intuition sparked. I did not know how I knew this, but I had a sudden strong sense of where he had gone.
"The Astronomy Tower," I said abruptly. "Have you checked the Astronomy Tower?"
"No!" Weasley said. He and Granger had to jog besides me to keep up as I swept along. "Wh – what do you think he might be doing up there? You - you don't think he's chucked himself off, do you?"
"Don't be silly, Ron," Granger whispered. "If he'd – if he'd done that someone would have found him by now."
"Don't be ridiculous, Weasley, Miss Granger," I said vehemently.
Nevertheless, the notion took hold. My strides grew longer and faster by the moment.
The images seeped, yet again, through my mind. Spreadeagled and broken, green eyes blank and staring…
No. I would know if…if he were dead.
And if he were not hurt when we found him, I would definitely throw him off the parapet, I thought. This was even worse than the evening lesson I had been steeling myself for. A grim anxiety was gnawing through my bones.
Inspired by my strong sense of duty: no doubt.
Harry struggled, but it was no use. His mind was overwhelmed by the force of the alien presence clutching at it. He was gripped mercilessly. Finally, he subsided, gasping and shuddering.
"That's better," Voldemort said to him. He looked amused. His thin lips twitched.
Harry glanced wildly around. He didn't understand. Had Voldemort somehow managed to transport him away from Hogwarts? He was sitting, legs sprawled, in a stone courtyard. It was touched with silvered moonlight. There were rough-hewn pillars around the edges, and in the middle a marble fountain played. It was here that Voldemort stood, looking down at him with that triumphant smirk on his face.
"Where are we?" Harry demanded fiercely. His heart was pounding. He felt in the pocket of his robes – at least he still had his wand –
Voldemort chuckled. It was a grating noise, like the churring of a badly tuned machine. "We are in your head, dear boy."
"We're – what?" Harry stared around again. It did not look like he imagined the inside of his head to be.
"Yes. I have imprisoned you here in a Mind Matrix. It has taken me some time to devise a way to cast the spell through that scar of yours, which links us together in some manner. Sadly my attempts to find a way to use the spell on Severus through the Dark Mark on his arm have not, so far, borne fruit. However, as you see...with you, I have been successful... I have been waiting for the right moment to use it."
"Use it – for what?" Harry asked. Keep him talking, a part of his head was whispering. He had no idea what was happening, or how to get out of this situation, but as long as Voldemort was having a conversation with him he wasn't saying phrases Harry would rather not hear. Like crucio. Or Avada Kedavra…
"Why, to ensnare you of course. You are trapped inside your own mind. Your body lies where it fell, inanimate and useless. That Muggle-loving fool Dumbledore keeps you and my old friend Severus so close, even I would find it a challenge to attack your physical persons. This way, I do not need to…"
"What are you going to do?" Harry asked. His mouth felt incredibly dry. He did not know how this could be so, if he truly were inside his own head… was he just imagining himself in this form, in this place? If all of this was somehow just a projection of his own thoughts, could he manipulate the environment around him? His mind raced.
"Do?" Voldemort smiled again. Harry wished he wouldn't. It sent shivers trickling down his spine. "We are going to wait, my dear boy."
"Wait? Wh – what for?" Foreboding surged in Harry's stomach. What could Voldemort possibly be waiting for…
"The arrival of my dear old friend Severus, naturally." Voldemort's lips peeled off his teeth. "My informant tells me that Dumbledore is away. Severus is the only other person who has the skills to attempt to rescue you from the Mind Matrix. Poor Severus does seem to have a bit of a complex about rescuing you, doesn't he? I am sure he will swoop on the scene shortly, and do his best to save you…"
It was a trap! Harry stared at Voldemort in horror.
"Oh, don't look so panicked, dear boy," Voldemort said smoothly. "I cannot destroy you yet. No: you are quite safe for the moment. But – oh. I really wouldn't think of using your wand. For the inexperienced, such as you, using magic in a mindscape is rather – unpredictable. It has a tendency to backfire in strange ways."
Harry's hand nevertheless closed around the wand in his pocket. He felt safer that way.
"How can you kill me?" he asked huskily. "I – you're not really here!"
Voldemort shook his head sadly. "You know, I still fail to see all the fuss that is made about you. You do not have a fraction of my genius. It is a complete mystery how you come to have thwarted me on so many occasions…But not this time…no, not this time…To answer your question, ignorant child, of course I am really here. As are you. As will be my dear friend Severus very shortly. We are in your mindscape. I have imprisoned you here. We are both disconnected from our physical bodies, it is true. However, I assure you that when I destroy you in this plane of existence, you will be destroyed on the physical plane as well…"
Harry stared at Voldemort. What could he do? He could try to use magic…so what if it backfired because he didn't understand properly what he was doing…Voldemort was going to kill him eventually anyway…
Even as he thought this, he realized that Voldemort had drawn his own wand. He yelped in pain once more. Bindings were snaking all over his body before he could even attempt to move. They hurt, cutting deeply into his flesh at many points. It's not real, he tried to tell himself. If this is all in your own mind, it's not real…so it can't really hurt...
But whatever reality he was in, even if it was in some manner of his own making, it was unwilling to listen to him. The bindings dug into him, viciously. He laid his head miserably on the stone flagging. Would Snape try to come? And if he did..would Voldemort just kill him, too?
I yanked open the door leading outside to the observatory platform. The force of the wind struck me like a hammer, and I reeled backwards. Rain was flung against my face in sleeting buckets.
I put my head down and surged outside. It was very dark. The seething clouds obscured the moon and stars. I lit my wand and blinked around me through the screeching gale and tipping rain.
Behind me, I heard Granger and Weasley gasp as the impact of the storm slammed into them. At the same moment, I spotted a black-robed form sprawled immobile against the parapet.
I leaped forward. He was so very still... my heart was pounding as furiously as the wind against my cheek.
He was absolutely frozen, and wet through. His flesh was glacial to the touch. He did not move when I ran my hand urgently across his face. It was slippery with rain.
"More light!" I snapped.
The pair crouched beside me responded instantly, pulling out their wands and sending splashes of white wand light through the darkness.
"He's not…oh, he's not..." I heard Granger whispering under her breath.
"Not yet," I said tensely. In the light of their wands, I prised open one of his eyes.
I recoiled, with a sharp exclamation.
"What?" Weasley asked. "What!"
"The Dark Lord," I said softly. "He has been taken by the Dark Lord..."
For Potter's eye had been wide and unseeing. The pupil was unnaturally dilated. And within it, burned a spark of red: a malevolent and burning coal in the green depths of his eye.
I gathered him to me with a harsh cry. His limbs dangled, and his head fell against my shoulder.
I was drowning in the rain, and the darkness, and the blasting wind. The storm shrieked around me. It put me forcibly in mind of a sound I had hoped never to hear again.
Voldemort's laugh.
SO MANY REVIEWS! smiles lots, and writes faster.....
AMANDA - dying of anticipation? No, no, don't do that – see I have updated –
emma20 - thank you! Ah, Snape's a sweety deep down…very deep down…
Jaws - thanks, another update herewith….
Adenara Yatman – LOL, ok, so here's poor old Harry tortured and miserable yet again….
Cdk – aw, thanks…glad you liked it…
Padawan Jan-AQ – thank you…poor Snape just doesn't know how to handle so many strong, complex and contradictory emotions all at once. Much easier to throw a bottle of cockroaches….
2004-11-02
AnotherReader - glad you're liking it…go easy on that Pollyanna, it's dangerous.
acciodanrad9 – oh I like your name, I think I will be Acciosnape in future. (smiles at the blissful vision.) Yeah, Ron, he's just not very perceptive, is all….
Amethyst Rain - see? Mouldy Voldie action. That torrent of forgiveness may just get unlocked..Shall I make him say it? smirks. Thank you for the tea, scones and jam. I'm glad you specified that they were the nice ones not the dry ones…
charl1e – and, er, yes, more angst….!
NitaPotter –wow, thanks. Aw, poor Snape..maybe he will redeem himself in your eyes if he manages to rescue Harry from the current dilemma!!
Meggplant ) - thanks very much! Yep, all that and now Voldy too!! Re the baby DEs ..maybe they are biding their time…Hermione thinks Malfoy is keeping his options open. Ron thinks Malfoy is is waiting for Voldy's instructions. At the moment, I think Voldy just likes having informants in Hogwarts and doesn't want to spoil his last connections there…
velze – oh, sorry you found it less entertaining….it was sort of meant to be sad… I think my reasoning was that Harry gave up because he was bewildered; he'd said sorry…Snape acknowledged the apology…having a warm and generous heart himself, Harry didn't understand why Snape was still so cold. (And basically, I think Snape just has huge problems with emotions and needs really traumatic events to get him to admit to them…) Anyway, that's why I wrote it that way in my little worldview!
ahappyjtm – wow! Yellow roses! My favourite, how lovely!
Fortissimo – thank you. /me hands you the Kleenex.
Lil Ole Me 97 – thanks a lot!
hyouden-07 – poor Harry is just clutching at the straw that Snape did obliviate Malfoy…but yes, it was very mean of Snape…maybe he'll redeem himself in the current crisis???
Persephone Lupin – re Hermione's findings, probably next chapter or so…other things on mind at the moment…
Read300300 – thank you, thank you….
mon - getting there…slowly….
curlybean - thank you! Glad you like it…yes, Snape doesn't know what to do with his feelings basically!!! /me smiles: a bit of love and happiness may well follow the angst…..
Beth5572 – thanks, as ever!
Jicky – hi, thanks a lot!! Um, this story won't include more intimate scenes…at least not of the type I think you mean…grins. The relationship will be more mentor/guardian. Yes, poor sad Harry: he's having a really bad patch…he needs someone to take care of him…
Oya – hehehe, yes, Severus keeps getting overcome by his hidden softness….
Lilith11 - /me hands you a box of chocolates. Yep, Voldie has a specific target or two in mind…
missjackiesparrow, aka, tomefeltatonofme – lol, glad you like it, and hope you enjoyed Halloween. Did you make lots of money from your sisters??
Alynna Lis Eachann – hopefully this chapter has explained a bit why Ron is so aggrieved…lol yes, Snape is getting soft. In a well hidden kind of way.
monica85 – sighs, I'm afraid it takes drastic measures to get our Severus to admit to kindly emotions…
Caryla – thanks! Glad you like it..this won't be slash, just mentor/guardian…could be seen as pre-slash by those who think the relationship should develop that way!
rosiegirl – thank you! Will take a bit more work for both of them, but…
lucidity – poor Severus, indeed, he is confused! He's having emotions! And they contradict!
Vyxagallanxchi – Thanks….Yes, I think Dumbledore is right: Severus needs to learn to forgive himself….I saw that dream very vividly when I was writing, I'm glad it came over that way. I think a crisis situation might cut through some of Snape's stubbornness about Harry…
ShadowedHand – Snape is thawing, don't worry…but I think only drastic situations really get him to admit how much he cares…XiaoGui – lol, thanks! NB this is not the big showdown…more angst, though….what will Voldy do to Severus when he gets hold of him..?
Angel 1291 – thanks very much! Snape just couldn't resist the chance to be mean, but just couldn't quite go through with it…Silverthreads – hello, thanks…glad you found that interesting…I sort of see Snape as entrapped by his own past and difficult personality, so he is very re-active in certain circumstances..