One year later...
Dear Journal,
Today Jack came back to the beach to pick up some things he thought would be useful for the other camp. I don't see why he wants to "dig in" so much. It just doesn't make sense. I mean, I know that our chances of being rescued are next to none, but why should we move into the valley? Why shouldn't we stay on the beach?
I can't believe he just assumed that I would follow him to the caves. It didn't even occur to him that I might have a different opinion. Sometimes I just don't understand what he's thinking. I think that sometimes he gets so caught up in trying to fix things that he doesn't stop to think about other people. He is so focused on helping others that he almost forgets about them. I know that probably sounds a bit cliché, but it's the truth.
I have to admit I definitely have feelings for him, strong feelings. It's so frustrating! Why can't I just forget the past and move on? Jack isn't Harry. He's not like him in the least. So why can't I just see that and trust him? I guess I'm just afraid to get attached again, to get sucked into a powerful, inescapable vacuum.
I keep telling myself that my past relationships don't have anything to do with the present. But in a way they do. They've happened for better or for worse and I've learned from them. But, somehow, I've got to get my mind to recognize the goodness my heart sees in Jack. I've got to persuade my mind to follow my heart.
You can't live life in the past, Kate. You've got to live in the present, or else you're not living at all. That's what I keep telling myself. You'll never know what possibilities lay ahead unless you take a chance.
Take a chance on Jack. Take a chance on Jack.
Dear Journal,
I just don't understand what Sawyer is about. One minute he is blatantly flirting with me and the next, brooding jealously about my preferring another guy.
I've been really hard on him for the past few days. I guess it's that I just don't trust him. But still, I shouldn't be so mean to him all the time. After all, I'm probably not the only one keeping secrets. Maybe Sawyer has something in his past that makes him so cocky and annoying. I kind of doubt that he has any valid excuse, but I guess I should give him another chance. Since we're probably going to be on this island for quite some time, it's in my best interest to make friends and not enemies.
Being nice to Sawyer is not exactly going to be the easiest thing in the word. Jack almost died today. He got caught in a cave-in up in the valley. I didn't know about until a few hours after it had happened. Sawyer was with me the whole time and he didn't even tell me that Jack was in danger! I can't believe him! And he had the nerve to compare himself to Jack and then back-handedly insult him!
The moment Sawyer told me, or rather let it slip, that Jack might be dead, I realized that my feelings for him were much deeper than I had admitted to myself before. I loved Jack. It was so simple. I loved him.
Once I heard the news, I left immediately. When I got there, no one was doing anything. I was thinking: we can't just stand here; we've got to do something; we don't even know if they're alive anymore.
I dug furiously for what seemed like an eternity. Michael tried to tell me that I should stop and take a break. He didn't understand – I couldn't stop. I physically couldn't stop. I felt that if I stopped, I would never see Jack again and I couldn't bear that thought. How would I be able to forgive myself for not trying hard enough to save him?
When Jack emerged from the cave with Charlie, I ran to him and hugged him with all my might. And he hugged me back although it was a little less passionately because he had hurt his shoulder.
When I stepped back after our brief contact, I felt shaky. I was dizzy with exhaustion from working on adrenaline for so long trying to clear the tunnel. And my heart was beating hard. I couldn't get the feeling of his arms around me out of my mind – the smell of his sweat, the feeling of his firm musculature. When I looked up at him after our embrace, I felt an electric charge go through me. He was looking at me with a half smile and it wasn't solely in the spirit of friendship. I could tell there was something more, some deeper emotional connection that he felt with me. My heart fluttered at the thought he might actually reciprocate.
Tomorrow is the day I'm going to do it, to get to know Jack. I can't put it off any longer. I've got to tell him how I feel.