Chapter 57: Two Goons and a List
"Yes, we're ready," said Captain Birdbrain as he landed the transport ship in the Meta Base on the metal planet Mecheye. "Our soldiers are just itching for battle. Dark Matter won't stand a chance! Wahahahaha!"
"Excellent," replied Meta Knight. "Dark Matter will fall and I will rule."
"By the way, Sir Meta Knight," continued Captain Birdbrain. "Much has changed since you were last here. We have a new recruit, a slew of new weapons, and a faster connection to the Internet."
"Really? This plan of mine is going even better than I thought. I'm going to want to try out this new high-speed connection later today."
The ship's doors opened and the Meta Clan filed out, Meta Knight and Captain Birdbrain bringing up the rear, still discussing the new improvements. The rest of the Meta Clan walked off in different directions, no doubt going to their quarters.
"Our new recruit is waiting for us in the construction chamber... Right in here... He's a good friend of mine and I got him his job with us. He's the giant snail Escargoon!"
Meta Knight stopped after entering the construction chamber and looked the guy over. Escargoon was, as the Captain had said, a giant snail. His skin had a purple tint to it and a green shell rested above his "foot". His eyestalks seemed to have been fused into one, containing two eyes. His mouth was large and complete with four teeth. Arms protruded from either side of the upright part of his body and he held out a hand to shake Meta Knight's.
"Hello," he said in a smooth, yet quaky voice. "I'm glad to be finally meeting you, Sir Meta Knight."
Meta Knight took Escargoon's hand and shook it.
"Always nice to have new recruits," replied Meta Knight. "Welcome aboard."
"Thanks." Escargoon's mouth went into a wide smirk, showing a full set of teeth. Were all but four retractable? "If you want to know about me, and I'm sure you do, you should know that I once worked for King Dedede himself as one of his more personal attendants. I was once considered for a spot in the LAP, but then rejected as I can't do fieldwork and they already have a technician. I'm skilled in the areas of hardware, chemistry and psychology. You'll wonder how you ever survived without me. Yes, I'm Escargoon and I am now, and always, at your service."
Meta Knight just stood there. He was unsure as to what to say to this lengthy (and seemingly well-rehearsed) introduction.
"In order to make a good first impression," continued Escargoon, saving Meta Knight the trouble of responding, "I have been building a new weapon for use during the war. It's not done yet, but you should have a look see."
"I like what I'm hearing," said Meta Knight. "Where is this weapon?"
"Right behind me," answered Escargoon.
Meta Knight looked up at the gigantic thing in back of Escargoon. It looked rather similar to the laser cannon that Kirby had destroyed on the Halberd, except it was about fifteen times bigger.
"I call it the Death Ray," said Escargoon. "One shot from this is over four times more powerful than lightning."
"Impressive," remarked Meta Knight.
"Thanks. I'd better finish it. It should be ready in a couple of hours."
"Excellent. But, by the way, why is it that you do not still work for King Dedede?"
"Because that old bucket of fat is nothing but the incarnation of greed! Oh, sure, he and his minions may be the main Protectors of Dreamland, but other than that he just can't keep his hands off every scrap of money he sees. I was so underpaid. I deserve more!"
"Well, this is not the place to worry about pay. You may get paid infrequently, but the quantity of gold you receive will more than make up for that. Long ago, I acquired stock in a gold-mining company that had just gotten started. They ended up scoring big, really big. I now possess enough cash to pay everyone in my entire Meta Army generously. You, however, are supplying us with gigantic weapons. I think a very large salary is in order for you, provided your mechanical skills don't expire after one gun. Do I make myself clear."
"Yes, Sir Meta Knight. Crystal clear." Escargoon grinned.
"Were others treated with low pay as well, back at Castle Dedede?" asked Meta Knight.
"Definitely," answered Escargoon. "The lower workers were little better than slaves. They got three square meals a day but that was it! No pay! 'Course, those guys were mostly Waddle Dees, mindless things that are everyone's low-class minions."
"Except ours. Escargoon, how long did you work there?"
"Too long. I don't want to go into the details. Besides, that line of work was beneath me."
"Fair enough. But now a serious question, as you may be of additional help to me: do you repair things as well?"
"Sure, but remember, my skills are hardware, chemistry and psychology. That doesn't include software, so don't give me computers to fix 'cause I won't do it."
"Oh, that's too bad. Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"What do you need repaired, Sir Meta Knight?" asked Captain Birdbrain.
Meta Knight paused, considering whether or not to tell the Captain about Meta Drone's strange behavior.
"It's Meta Drone," he said finally.
"Really?" replied Captain Birdbrain startled. "He seemed fine on the ride here, silent... as... usual..." The Captain seemed to have realized something. "Has he lost the ability to speak?"
"...yyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeesss," answered Meta Knight. "Yes he has."
"And that's exactly the type of thing you shouldn't come running to me about," interrupted Escargoon. "Besides, I'm going to be busy here for a while. After I finish the Death Ray, I have ideas for many other useful contraptions. Check back in a number of hours, Sir Meta Knight. You may see something you like... a lot."
"Thank you, Escargoon," said Meta Knight. "I shall see you later."
Escargoon went back to work, Meta Knight moved on and Captain Birdbrain stayed in the construction chamber to supervise the completion of the Death Ray.
Meta Knight walked to the Internet Room. This room had a computer on one side (complete with gigantic screen) and what looked like a futuristic teleporter on the other.
Meta Knight typed a few keys on the keyboard below the screen.
The words "NOW CONNECTING TO THE INTERNET" appeared on the screen. Three seconds later, they were replaced by the word "CONNECTED".
My, my, thought Meta Knight. Captain Birdbrain was right. We do have a faster connection. Maybe now I can download without it taking forever.
Meta Knight typed a few more keys and a humanoid man appeared on the screen. He was wearing a blue jacket with six golden buttons (three on each side) and a pair of lurid sunglasses. Under his neck was just visible a purple tie (which was the same color as his skin) and an orange shirt. His hair was dark purple with green highlights.
"Welcome to NightMare Enterprises, Meta Knight," said the sales guy. "How can I assist you?"
"I need a good big monster for crushing anything small that may be powerful," replied Meta Knight. This type of talk was the only way to deal with such a notorious sales guy.
"Don't worry, MK my man," continued the sales guy. His voice was commercialistic, yet sounding like it could turn on you at any moment. "We have just what you're looking for. He's a gigantic blob of snow with a detachable head for throwing at enemies too far away to crush with his powerful underside. Meet Yuki, the abominable snowman!"
The sales guy turned and pointed at the monstrosity behind him. It looked much like a white pear with black eyes and mouth.
"Excellent," said Meta Knight. "Send him over."
"Sir," replied the sales guy, "this monster is so huge that it will need to be sent over in two pieces: body, then head."
"Just send it! My connection is faster now, so I think we'll be able to handle a two-part download!"
"You got it, MK."
The futuristic teleporter-thingy turned on its lights and pointed them all toward its center where the bottom half of Yuki suddenly appeared. It waddled off the transporter and stood in the middle of the room. Its head appeared moments later and jumped on top of its body.
Meta Knight looked Yuki over. Yuki was roughly 20 times Meta Knight's height. Yup, really big.
"Now that I have the monster," said Meta Knight, "I should tell you that NightMare Enterprises, or NME, will soon be an employee-owned company."
The sales guy raised an eyebrow. "And why is that?" he asked.
"Doesn't the creature called Nightmare work part-time as your boss?"
"Yes."
"Well, I have already destroyed one copy of Nightmare and I'm on a mission to destroy Dark Matter. I'm doing it for power. Long story."
"But Dark Matter will probably have already consumed another populace and produced another Nightmare."
"Yes, but Nightmare will not escape our wrath, plus once Dark Matter is dead, Nightmare will not return... and there's nothing you can do about it."
"This is... interesting news," replied the sales guy, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "'Course you still need to pay us. Cash or credit?"
"I think this monster is worth about 50 pounds of our best gold, sent in the usual way: Royal Shipping."
"You've got yourself a deal! And no, we have not yet managed to acquire that special equipment that will allow you to send gold over the Internet without it melting."
"Darn. How long do you think..."
"Not for a while, MK. I'll see you again!"
The screen faded to black.
The following is an excerpt from Curiosity File #35 in Gooey's data archives. This was written very recently and you don't really need to read it; it's just here for reference.
Because Kirby now has six star rod shards, he can summon abilities at will. The fifth star rod shard also gave him the power to combine abilities into combo abilities. For my own convenience and curiosity, I have compiled a list of every combo ability possible. There are 78 in all and they are here in alphabetical order by combination. I have also added comments, for memory's sake.
Beam + Beam = Super Beam
Beam + Bomb = Cannon (the cannonballs have exploding shells)
Beam + Cutter = Mini Cut-Beam
Beam + Fighter = Fighter Energy (attacks fire projectiles of energy)
Beam + Fire = Flaming Beam
Beam + Hammer = Multi-Hammer
Beam + High-Jump = Flash (he disappears in a Flash)
Beam + Ice = Freezing Beam
Beam + Needle = Hookshot
Beam + Spark = Laser
Beam + Stone = Electric Wrecking-Ball
Beam + Sword = Sword Beam
Bomb + Bomb = Homing Missile
Bomb + Cutter = Ninja
Bomb + Fighter = Power Punch (sends enemies flying)
Bomb + Fire = Firework
Bomb + Hammer = Exploding Hammer
Bomb + High-Jump = Rocket
Bomb + Ice = Snowman (explodes)
Bomb + Needle = Spike Shooter (shoots spikes in every direction)
Bomb + Spark = Lightbulb
Bomb + Stone = Dynamite (very dangerous)
Bomb + Sword = Pirate (make sure he uses this; it should be entertaining)
Cutter + Cutter = Super Cutter
Cutter + Fighter = Cut-Punch
Cutter + Fire = Fire Cutter (actually cuts Fire)
Cutter + Hammer = 2-D Hammer
Cutter + High-Jump = Fan (dangerously fast on ice)
Cutter + Ice = Ice-Skater
Cutter + Needle = Snare (Venus flytrap-esque)
Cutter + Spark = Chainsaw
Cutter + Stone = Sculpture (he can become anything)
Cutter + Sword = Razor Sword (laser-cut)
Fighter + Fighter = Saiyan (look into this; I know I've heard this word before)
Fighter + Fire = Friction (the Friction is in his hands)
Fighter + Hammer = Hammer-Fist (his hand turns into a Hammer)
Fighter + High-Jump = Suplex (wrestling at its best)
Fighter + Ice = Ice Punch (ice blocks on hands shatter after punches)
Fighter + Needle = Spike-Knuckle
Fighter + Spark = Robo
Fighter + Stone = Stone-Fist
Fighter + Sword = Samurai
Fire + Fire = Comet
Fire + Hammer = Flaming Hammer
Fire + High-Jump = Jet
Fire + Ice = Melt (leaves behind a pool of acid)
Fire + Needle = Fire Arrow
Fire + Spark = Fire Starter (uses plexiglass)
Fire + Stone = Volcano
Fire + Sword = Fire Sword
Hammer + Hammer = Huge Hammer
Hammer + High-Jump = Golfing
Hammer + Ice = Pickaxe
Hammer + Needle = Spike Hammer
Hammer + Spark = Thunder
Hammer + Stone = Stone Hammer
Hammer + Sword = Hammer Sword
High-Jump + High-Jump = Super High-Jump
High-Jump + Ice = Snow
High-Jump + Needle = Corkscrew (the attack, not the hardware)
High-Jump + Spark = Shock
High-Jump + Stone = Meteor
High-Jump + Sword = Berserk
Ice + Ice = Huge Snowball
Ice + Needle = Giant Snowflake (grows quickly)
Ice + Spark = Refrigerator (use if there is a shortage of Maximum Tomatoes)
Ice + Stone = Hockey Puck
Ice + Sword = Icicle Sword
Needle + Needle = Sharp (lots of pointy things)
Needle + Spark = Lightning Rod
Needle + Stone = Drill
Needle + Sword = Lance
Spark + Spark = Aura
Spark + Stone = Flint
Spark + Sword = Darth
Stone + Stone = Monolith (really, really, REALLY big)
Stone + Sword = Stone Sword
Sword + Sword = Two-Sword