Stalking Lily Evans
Chapter Five: Varying Degrees of Fear
Later on Monday
I can hardly write I am so happy. And excited. And kinda nauseated.
Lily Evans is in love with me.
She is!
You may be wondering how I know this. Well, probably not, considering you're an inanimate object, but for my sake, let's say you are.
I lost this book, right? Now, ordinarily, this would be a crisis, and it was, until I realized that she had it—because I saw her holding it when I came downstairs—and then I came really close to her, and she recoiled—for a second I thought she was repulsed by me, but then I noticed that she was blushing and—I said, "I'm not going to kiss you" and she got even redder, and it hit me….
She wants me to kiss her. Like, a lot.
Obviously, the kiss last Thursday made her realize that there is nothing greater in the world than the taste of my spit, which is understandable. I do have crave-inducing spit. Couple that with my kissing technique, and I can see how she would be yearning (and we would call it yearning) for more James snoggage. She's probably going through withdrawals right now, scratching herself and getting headaches and such.
And now she's just trying to figure out how to tell me so without sounding completely tarty.
She needn't bother.
I don't mind her tarty.
I've never actually seen her be tarty, but I'm sure it's brilliant.
Even later
I am a bit worried about what she could've read in this book, however. I have said some vaguely prickish things in here.
Maybe, since she is clearly in love with me, the prickishness is endearing to her. That would be pretty cool; the censorship and Moony-nagging would no longer be necessary and I could be as stupid as I wanted to around her and she would reward me for it.
Moony the Nag suggests that I start complimenting her to simplify the path to snoggage.
Hopefully, she doesn't look hag-like tomorrow so I can compliment her without her hitting me for 'trying to be clever'.
Wednesday, 31 January
Approximately 8:30 a.m.
Lily (that is so strange to write) is holding something back from me, and I don't know what it could possibly be.
She made this big song and dance about how I was not listening to her this morning at breakfast, then when I said that I was finally feeling attentive; she wouldn't tell me whatever it was.
I think she was going to admit that she is desperately in love with me and wants to have my baby, but then backed out at the very last minute.
Well, I have decided that I am going to make it easy for her.
I'm going to ask her out.
Padfoot is laughing.
Yes, again, you stupid cretin.
More Wednesday, 31 January
12:15 p.m.
Sub--Lily is a sadistic bitch.
I'm quite serious.
Okay, so I was right: she is head-over-heels in love with me, this is true. But just when she gets all my hopes up, and I start picturing her in a wedding dress (no comments from the peanut gallery, I already know how stupid and mid-life crisis this is, thanks), she informs me that, while I have convinced her that I am a worthy candidate for her future husband (the only candidate, as far as I know) she'd rather have someone else.
What. The. Hell?
So now I have to completely sweep her off her feet.
Oh, wait…
Valentine's Day. I completely forgot.
Well, I have two weeks to plan this.
Any ideas, gentlemen?
Still More 31 January
Okay, have calmed down some. Started to apologize to Lily about the sadistic bitch comment until I realized that she had no occasion to even know I'd made it.
I hate this. It's hard. I'm not used to things being difficult.
And now I have to plan a sodding date. Damn it, I don't know what I'm going to do.
Must ask the lads.
Still Wednesday, 31 January
Approximately 1:25 p.m.
Mr. Padfoot would like to offer a suggestion for Mr. Prongs's Valentine's Day date with Miss Lily.
Do I want to hear this or should I just tell you to shove it in advance?
It would most benefit you to listen.
Does this plan involve chocolate covered strawberries, whipped cream, and Lily in a black lace teddy?
It might.
I don't want to hear it. Or should I say read it?
See what you did, Moony?! And you were wrong: the teddy was red, and there were no chocolate covered strawberries--there was, however, a heart-shaped hot tub... You know, to go with the whole Valentine's Day theme?
It's something Lily would most certainly never agree to. I suggest that Mr. Prongs go the route of leading her into the Room of Requirement and having a dinner set up there or something.
Well, that's just stupid.
I think it's nice.
Fine, side with him. Take the stereotypical Valentine's Day, sap-filled dinner.
I intend to.
But mine is more fun. Admit it, Prongs, you'd find something to do with whipped cream and a teddy.
I'm burning this paper.
Thursday, 1 February
11:30 a.m., sitting in the Charms corridor, eating sandwich
Thirteen Days 'til V-Day
I never really date, as a general rule. Well, I date, but I don't like to go out on actual dates.
And do you know why?
Again, since you are an inanimate object, you obviously do not, so I'm going to tell you:
I'm terrified of girls.
Well, okay, let me clarify, because that sounds impossibly lame: I am terrified of being alone with girls.
It's no secret that I'm not exactly a sparkling conversationalist. In fact, I do believe Lily herself once referred to me as a 'superficial, charmless, shallow, mentally deficient pillock with the brain activity of a mold spore'.
At which time I pointed out that 'superficial' and 'shallow' mean almost exactly the same thing and she threw the closest thing to her—which happened to be her Ancient Runes dictionary, which happens to be the heaviest book known to mankind—at me, which pretty much proves her point.
Anyway, my point is that I can't talk to girls. I stutter, I blush, and sometimes I forget what I was about to say right in the middle of a sentence, and end up saying something like, "And so when Slytherin made their next goal I changed my socks today" which usually makes the girl stare at me for a good ten minutes until I realize my gaffe and apologize for being so dense.
And to add to that, I never know whether or not to pay. I have a lot of money; it's not a problem for me to pay for her Chocoball or coffee or butterbeer. I don't mind. I'm a generous person. Mostly. But there are always those girls who are fiercely independent and think it's misogynistic in some way for the boy to pay. So what I view as a nice gesture ends up being seen as some sort of intentional jab at the feminist movement.
Which makes me look like even more of an arse.
What was I talking about?
Oh. Right. My vehement dislike of the courting process.
Couple my inability to speak coherent English in the presence of a pretty girl with the fact that Lily Evans kinda makes me feel like throwing up every time I'm near her and there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to escape this date with all of my limbs intact.
I may have to flee the country.
2:00 p.m.
Antarctica is nice this time of year, yeah?
I don't think Antarctica is nice any time of year. Unless you like glaciers and fish. Which I know for a fact that you don't.
I like penguins.
Have you ever even seen a penguin?
Of course.
Anywhere besides pictures?
Well, no. But I rather like the look of them.
I know you too well; this can't be good for me.
I might say the same about you.
Remind me why I picked you for my best friend again.
Because you admired my leadership skills, my cool wit, and my intellectualism.
No, really.
Because you thought I kinda looked like you and you're such a narcissist that you can't be friends with anyone less pretty than you.
If I'm a narcissist then why would I want to befriend someone prettier than me? I would want to surround myself with people who are less pretty than me so as to make myself look more attractive than I already am.
Are you saying I'm less pretty than you?
I didn't say that.
You implied it!
Yes, but I didn't say it.
You are in no way prettier than me.
Yeah, except for the three hundred thousand ways that I am.
You couldn't even think of three.
Can too.
Can not.
Want to bet?
Ten Galleons says you can't think of a hundred ways in which you are prettier than me.
Give me a day and I'll give you two hundred.
Friday, 2 February
7:30 a.m., Breakfasting on Cereal and Toast
12 Days 'til V-day
Padfoot came up with two hundred and two ways in which he's better than me.
And then asked to copy my Astronomy homework because he didn't have time to do his.
Where do I find these people?
Monday, 4 February
2:18 p.m., Potions
10 Days 'til V-Day
I have just noticed that whenever Lily looks my way her hand goes to her mouth. I'm pretty sure it's not a conscious thing—like me with my hair; I don't even realize I'm doing it until she snaps at me for it—but it's wickedly amusing. It obviously means that whenever she looks at me she imagines kissing me.
Or maybe she's just trying to keep herself from vomiting.
I was not aware that I asked your opinion, Wormtail.
You didn't have to. I'm perfectly happy to give it without invitation.
Oh, let him wallow in his delusions.
Yeah, because come next weekend we'll probably be attending his funeral.
Later
Having wrangled the book back from my so-called 'friends'
Seriously, where do I find these people?!
Tuesday, 6 February
Eight Days Until V-Day
Does anyone else notice how much "V-Day" sounds like "D-Day?"
Am very nervous about said day…I mean, the Room of Requirement is custom made for things like this, but what if someone else had the same idea? What if we walk in on…I don't know…someone shagging, for the love of God? Then Lily will think I led her straight into a sodding orgy. And then she will slap me and run off sobbing, and it'll be all over school that James Potter likes to watch other people in the middle of a shag session.
Oh my God, this is going to blow up in my face.
Moony, help me, I think I'm having premature heart flutters.
Later
Send her the note, Prongs.
I can't.
Prongs, if you don't send her the note, she won't know about the date. And if she doesn't know about the date, the chances that she'll show up are very slim.
And I think it'll be better for everyone that way. Really. I'll still have all of my senses, Lily won't have to pretend to listen to me babble about the laundry in our room or how weird it is that they make vodka out of potatoes, and you lot can go to sleep instead of following us around the castle.
Prongs. Send the bleeding letter.
I can't.
Why?
Because I'm scared.
What is she going to do to you?
She'll make me think that she wants to snog me in a broom cupboard—and I'll believe her, because I'm dim and idealistic and arrogant all at the same time, which is a really dangerous combination, if you think about it—and then when we get there she'll get really close to me and hiss, 'No one can hear you scream in the broom cupboard!' and, as if I'm testing it, I'll scream like a little girl—because that's how I scream—until she slits my throat. Because, obviously, she's cut my windpipe clean off and no sound will come out anymore.
Give me the note, Prongs.
Why?
Because I'm doing it for you. Give it to me now.
No!
Why not?! You're not going to do it, and I'm getting very tired of having to listen to your stupid stories.
My stories are not stupid.
Give me the sodding letter, you daft git, before I take you to the broom cupboard.
…Did you just hit on me?
No. It was meant to tie in to your (very stupid) cupboard story. See?
Oh. Right.
Yes. Now give me the letter.
No! She'll think it's you who wants to take her out, and then what if she goes and she expects it to be you, and then it's me, and she kills me and marries you?!
Firstly: I think that proves how stupid your stories are.
Secondly: That would never happen.
It very well could.
Prongs, Lily Evans hates me more than she hates you.
I know, and d'you know why?
Because I went around with her knickers on my head that one time?
Because she loves me. And also because you're an insufferable cad.
Stop talking. Or, rather, give me your quill.
I think I need a lozenge. That cupboard story made my throat hurt.
Even later on Tuesday
I sent the note.
I sort of forgot to breathe as she was reading it and didn't notice I was turning purple until Wormtail stabbed me in the side with his quill and I went to yell at him and realized that I was on the verge of suffocation. Which was a very unpleasant experience; I don't recommend it.
Friday, 9 February
Five days 'till V-Day
Have barely had time to sleep in between Quidditch practice and classes and preparing for my date. Speaking of which, Lily has not come up to me with any papers barring me from coming within ten feet of her, which is good. And she's still doing the mouth thing, which is better.
Monday, 11 February
Three days 'till V-Day
Is it odd that whenever I pass the Astronomy tower I break into a cold sweat?
A/N: Yeah, I know: 'what took you so long?!' Not necessarily in this order: school, writers' block, compy problems, and other such RL stuff. And I'm working on "TDA", promise. Really, I am.
Next chapter is (obviously) the last. I know, try to hold in your tears. Life will go on. :)
The reviews are still omgsoawesome, and I love you all. Seriously. Thanks to…
Christy Corr (the second season premiere is, like, way too far away. You know, I still haven't seen the promo?), taarspinkchcik1029 (you realize that you spelled your own name wrong? ;), Star19 (you're probably back by now…obviously, if you're reading this, you are…), Windowseat Wonderer, ThouandI (I did win the awards, did I mention?! All of them, kind of. I tied for one, but won the rest of them. I owe every person who voted for a me a Cartier watch, because my self-esteem shot up, like, thirty two points that day. I cried a little), True, walkingcensure (I really liked "Habit", by the way—I'm so terrible at reviewing, I'm sorry—but I really liked it. Good on you, it made me smile :), PeRkieGuRL, taiyourshoes (My fellow quote person! Alexis, I think you're my favorite reviewer. S&M is, like…leather. Bondage. Stuff that I don't personally know about whatsoever. I did not expect 'ragamuffin' to catch on as it apparently has, but am pleased nonetheless. And, yes, long live the Chandler dance!!), Adrienne (I'm sorry you think it's too racy. Trust me, though, I could so be worse), Cacrocks1 (dude, writing this made me want to rewrite "Deflating"), Princess Pixie Ice (thank you for voting!!), Kalika ('this is bliss'—I really liked that, actually, and took it as a huge compliment. :), Marauders Chick (I think quotiness is a word. And I love James, too. He and Sirius really are my favorite characters. Lily is vindictive; I definitely can't see her taking stuff like that lying down. Go her), MissMrprk, snickerdoodle10201, Senna2 ('Sirius's uppance has come'—that made me laugh), Diabla666, Tintalu (I figured no one really paid attention to the dates, because I never do in stories that I don't write. But there are some people who take their fic v. seriously and will be, like, omg you were off by a millisecond omg::spaz:: and…like, yeah. Plus, it bothered me how extremely terrible I truly am at math. I don't know why my teachers keep advancing me ;), tta (he wouldn't be interesting if he wasn't insane!!), erieberrie (thank you, and I do try to write quickly, but school really does take up a lot of time, esp. since I've started doing my homework), Cho Ch (::blushes:: thank you), Irish Silhouette (you don't have to apologize, I'm happy you reviewed at all. And I hope you enjoyed camp!), cilverblood (cool and awesome at the same time?! :), Pineapple Queen1 (James being pathetic just makes him more real, to me at least. If he were good at everything and smooth and all that, no one would like him, and he'd be annoying, because no one is like that. But if he's a bit pathetic, you sit there going, 'God, I know people like that' and…yeah. That person is me. :) Anyway, going off on the tangent of side stories…please, feel free to do side stories on my stuff, just ask first. I would love if you'd write one, actually, and if you need anything—help, questions, whatever—email me and I'll be happy to…oblige, I guess), Bananas and Talon, FrostQueen4eva, the-insufferable-know-it-all (thank you!!), Lunawolf (again, don't apologize for going on fabulous vacations!! This goes for all of you: you should brag about all the lovely places you've been so I can live vicariously through you while I'm stuck in California, trying to stay out of the 104-degree heat. And I'm considering doing the Hangman bit as a one-shot, but I've got a lot of other stuff to do that will make itself known after "TDA" is over), Green Zephyr (I'd hate it if I had to do schoolwork for classes that I didn't even have to take for another three months or so. I'm just really lazy, and so yeah. I feel for you. :), animalluvr75, flossie1 (my God, child, you are much braver than I, risking infection of the computer. lol, hope it all goes well—I didn't mean for that to rhyme, really—and that the virusing was minimal this time around), Briana Marie (Conquest is fun to write about. She'll probably show up later in the form of different girls, but with the same name…did that make sense? And congratulations on your nominations—I don't know why I keep rhyming; I can't write poetry to save my life but this is becoming an everyday occurrence, rhyming sentences), martian doll, Kat44, Ideal Menagerie, Grimm Sister (this is coming some sixteen-odd days after you reviewed…I hope that was fast enough and that your senior year goes swimmingly :), Hermione Granger63, lizziee (I may have mixed it up in "Deflating", because I italicized all the journal entries to avoid confusion…that's the only thing I can think of. I'm sorry if I did confuse you, though!), Domlando Blonaghan (I feel special! ::blushes:: And…I don't know. :) lol, they're just 'hits' as you called them because people seem to like them and if they keep liking them, I'll keep writing them. Because I need affirmation. Shower me with affection. ;) R/Hr Fan (I do read Georgia Nicolson, and love them. And I could see Prongsie calling Lily a Sex Goddess. If he got drunk enough. He might also think he has breasts on that occasion as well. :), and erin.
I am missing "Rescue Me" for you guys. I will not get my fix of hot firemen this week.
…but that's okay. I don't mind, really. :)