Lifeline

Chapter 13

"Taylor, huh?" Chikage glanced up from her book as Riddick appeared in the library doorway. He shrugged.

"Spur of the moment," he mumbled. She nodded, her eyes returning to a philosophy book she'd picked out. "You just sit around and read that shit?"

"You've got it sitting on your shelves, what's that say about you?" she returned, glancing at him quickly as he flopped onto the other couch, letting out a monstrous sigh.

"I'm not picky about the books I put in my library?" A small chuckle, but she wasn't really paying attention. The room buzzed with friction, and she soon snapped the book shut with a frustrated sigh, suddenly glad she'd changed into her pajamas already.

"Do you remember Justin Marks?" she asked quietly, draping her forearm over her eyes.

"Yeah. What about him?" She swallowed, stifling a groan. The room fell silent again for a while, Chikage jiggling a foot back and forth on the armrest under her ankles.

"You know when you appeared that one day?" He turned his head toward her. "I told you I didn't want to have to…" she trailed off, shaking her head.

"You told me you couldn't take the risk," he finished quietly.

"After you left the Ops, Justin and I…" she trailed off again, hearing the sofa creak as he sat up. She moved her arm, rubbing her eyes before covering them with a hand. "He didn't think we could help you at the time. Both of us were trying to build a life—"

"Together," Riddick interjected. She sighed.

"Don't do this, Riddick," she pleaded.

"Do what?"

"I loved Justin," she said weakly. "I always did, and you always knew it."

"And?" She bit her lip.

"Anyway, I started working detail for Marcus a year after they killed him. I happened to be out on a job, and I came back and found him." Riddick sighed, leaning back into the fluff of the couch. "I grabbed what I could and got the fuck out because I knew I had to." She shook her head. "I didn't truly understand what it was like to be you until then."

"You'll never understand what it's like to be me." His voice held an edge to it she'd not heard before, but she couldn't look at him.

"I didn't miss you until you showed up. Just that one fucking time, you had to show up," she whispered.

"What are you saying?"

"I don't know what the fuck I'm saying!" she snapped, staring at him for a moment before retreating behind her forearm again. "Justin knew about me and you, did you know that?" He didn't answer. "He never blamed me."

"He blamed me instead."

"No, he blamed himself," she corrected. "He always knew he couldn't be what I wanted or needed him to be, but he tried anyway." Riddick shook his head, closing his suddenly tired eyes. "I loved him the best I could, and it still wasn't good enough for me, but I stuck around."

"Look, if this is your version of the commitment speech, you can save it," Riddick shot. "You know I can't do commitment. I can't promise to take care of anyone because I don't know if I'll be alive two seconds from now. I'm not willing to take the chance I'll start caring about someone again and fuck up their lives all over again when something happens to me." Her arm lifted, and she stared at him in shock. "I'm not an emotional human being, Chi, and you can't change that no matter how hard you try, and no matter how many lectures you make me sit through."

"Don't fucking kid yourself, Riddick," she snapped, standing with the sudden anger at him for coming off as though he blamed her. "What you and I had was nothing more than physical. You're a friend, and I care about you. But I never loved you, and I doubt I ever could, so don't get all pissy on me for thinking about what I do before I do it. I don't regret what we had, and I never will. But just because I wouldn't change that doesn't mean I suddenly want to be your fucking flavor of the month." He blinked, jaw clenching. "You wanted to know why I brushed you off? I'll tell you. Every time someone touches me, every time someone gets close enough I can feel their breath on me, I think of Justin. And every time I think of Justin I kick my own ass for sticking with it and making him think we could make something of it even though I knew, and I think both of us knew it wouldn't work no matter how much we loved each other. I hate myself for that, Riddick. Don't blame me for watching out for my best interest, even if I have to reject you in the process, because until that demon's gone, it'll never fucking happen, no matter how hard you try to push me."

She was screaming now, her legs trembling under her. "When push comes to shove it's always number one, right Riddick? You can't let someone in because you can't stand the thought of tearing them up if and when something goes wrong. You're taking the same chance I am. You're risking being alone for the rest of your goddamn life. I'm risking being alone for the rest of my fucking life because I can't stand the thought of taking the chance I'll have to pretend things will work out just so I won't be alone. I'd rather not remember what it's like to be with someone just so being alone all the time doesn't hurt so fucking much. Don't you dare blame me when you're doing the same fucking thing." She stared at him as he stared back at her, surprised at her sudden outburst, and she threw her hands in the air as she spun away from him, finally clasping them behind her head.

"Feel better?" he asked after a hesitant pause.

"No." Her voice held an obvious pout. "I feel worse." She sighed, dropping her hands to rest on her hips as he continued to stare at the ground. "I hate you, Riddick." He still didn't say anything. "I hate you for giving me a taste of what I always wanted but could never have." She shook her head, biting a thumbnail. "I wanted you just as you were. Never wanted to change you or tame you…" she trailed off with a sigh. "I mean, let's face it, Riddick. We're perfect for each other but completely incompatible." He couldn't help but chuckle, deciding to flop back onto the couch. "I'm, uh…" she gestured toward the door. "I'm gonna go wash my face and go to bed." She didn't wait for him to nod before she started down the steps, holding her stomach as she doubled over slightly, her eyes burning. Black sludge swirled down the drain, and she let the water drip from her chin for a moment as she stared at her reflection, finally drying off and shuffling down the hallway. He was turning down his sheets as she started to go into her room, pausing instead to look at him. "Who is she, Riddick?" He glanced up at her, walking to the door to lean against the frame.

"A second chance."

"At what?"

"Being a person again," he answered quietly. She smiled weakly with a small nod, fidgeting with the drawstring on her pants. "I never blamed you, Chi," he said gently. "I never blamed anyone. We did what we did, and shit happened after that. It's how life goes. You get through it and move on."

"Riddick, you can't be a person again if you won't let yourself experience your own emotions again."

"I can't do that with a price on my head." He sounded let down, and she glanced up at him from under furled brows.

"Yes you can," she whispered. "Marcus did," she said with a weak smile. "And I did." He swallowed.

"Why'd you take that bullet for me?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Because I felt like I had to." He shook his head in confusion. "And I owe you another one some time."

"You never had to, and you shouldn't have even if you did have to."

"We were like family, Riddick," she said quietly. "You did the same for me twice, and I never felt like I had the right to question it."

"I don't have the right but I'm doing it anyway." She smiled faintly.

"I trusted my emotions, Riddick. I wasn't squaring things, and I wasn't doing you a favor. I did what I had to do for me," she explained.

"I don't understand that," he admitted.

"Neither do I, but I'm okay with that." She gave his arm a squeeze and turned, but his hand closed over hers, holding her to him. His eyes questioned hers, but she shook her head slowly. He swallowed and took a breath, but paused for a moment. She let him wrap his arms around her into a tight embrace, and her arms looped over his shoulders as he lifted her off the ground against him. "I don't want to be alone tonight," he whispered against the side of her neck, shaking his head slightly. Her cheek quivered just enough for her to feel it without it being visible.

"I do," she whispered back. He inhaled sharply, holding it for a moment before nodding, lowering her back to the ground and retracting his arms. She stared up at him for a moment, eyes slightly saddened, before she turned and slid under her covers. A few seconds later, she heard his sheets ruffle, and she let a tear break free.

"You think we have enough?" he asked quietly, staring into the munitions locker for the hundredth time today. She glanced up at him for a moment before returning to the computer with a shrug. "I know I said not to get enough to raise eyebrows, but I was planning on stopping a few places before and spreading everything out. I didn't know that place would be so open."

"If you think we need more, it's better safe than sorry," she said quietly, eyes narrowing to focus on the small font on her monitor. "We can get more." He nodded, pursing his lips as he thought. "Is there someplace here?"

"I don't know," he answered. She nodded, closing the program she was in to do a quick search.

"So that James guy last night…" she trailed off, and he glanced up at her, watching her continue to stare at the monitor.

"What about him?"

"You two go way back?"

"Not really," he said with a shrug, lowering himself into the pilot's chair. "I did a favor for him back in slam. Probably why he bought last night. Paying me back, I guess."

"A favor?" Riddick sighed, and her eyes left the computer screen to focus on him.

"You knew me as someone I'm not anymore," he said quietly. "And Jimmy knew me as someone I'm not any more."

"You're just all kinds of change, aren't you?" Her attention returned to her search just as he looked up at her angrily. "Makes sense," she said with a shrug. "You gotta be a certain kind of person to stay in your superiors' good graces, gotta be a certain kind of person to stay alive in slam." She swiveled her chair around to face him. "Who do you have to be right now, Riddick?" He continued staring out the front window, reclined in his chair, arms folded behind his head.

"The hero." Her brows furrowed. "I was the obedient soldier for the superiors. The go to but don't cross guy in slam." He shook his head, letting his eyes close as he licked his lips. "I'm not a soldier or an inmate anymore."

"So why the hero?" His eyes opened again, staring up at the ceiling as his jaw tightened, muscles tensing in a rhythm.

"I always end up being the hero for Jack," he said quietly, voice strained. "She thought she fooled everyone. Dressing like a guy, talking like a guy. Gave herself a guy's name so people wouldn't know." He smirked, but it was waning. "Never did find out her real name. Fuckin' fourteen years old, and she's needed a hero four times now. Always been me, and always will be."

"Thought you couldn't promise to take care of someone," Chikage said softly.

"There's a difference here," he said flatly. "I'm the hero when I have to be. It's not like I'm just gonna let her stay with me so she won't ever need a hero. I get her safe and leave until she needs saving again. That's how it works."

"Why didn't you ever find someplace for the both of you to stay safe?" she asked quietly.

"I'm not the settling down type," he snickered. "And knowing her, she'd take it the wrong way." He shook his head. "No, I could never just stay in one place. I go where the tides take me, you know? Hopping around all over the place muddies the trail. Makes it harder to be found unless I want to be."

"They think you're dead, Riddick. You died in that crash, remember?" He sat up in his seat, leaning toward her as his eyes flashed angrily.

"Who the fuck do you think set up that goddamn crash, huh? Company new I was on that transport. Johns called it in, just like the good little merc he thought he was. Thirty-nine people died because I was on that fucking ship and Company wanted me dead. They took the fall meant for me." She blinked. "You and I both know they don't take the chance on leaving any loose ends. They would have sent a search team, and maybe they figured out the hard way that the natives liked human flesh. But they wouldn't just assume I was dead because of it. They'd be goddamn sure before they'd cut me loose." His hard stare remained on her for a moment before he settled back into his chair, popping his neck before returning to his previous pose. She watched him for a moment, letting the words sink in before returning to her computer. They're holding Jack to get to him, Chikage. They have to think he's alive or they wouldn't chance it. She stifled a sigh, doing a news search for anything relating to the Hutner-Gratzner. All that was returned were the standard headlines – Missing Transport, 42 Die in Crash, Riddick Dies in Transport Mishap. Her brows knitted in concentration. She'd have to wait until they were back in the shipping lanes before she could do the search she really wanted to do.

"When do you plan on leaving?" she asked quietly.

"Tomorrow. We're going out tonight to get more ammo and to party one last time." Her eyebrow rose, and he glanced at her. "Just in case." A stiff nod, and she left the room.