Guilt, Bargaining and Depression
It had been just a few days since Sanji's addiction had come to light, but the whole crew had sort of fallen into place without their chef. They took turns making the meals throughout the day, except for Luffy and Chopper. No one trusted Luffy with food, and Chopper had his hands full with Sanji. Or maybe Sanji had his hands full with Chopper. No one was really sure, and the only one really willing to bother them to find out was Luffy. The rest of them made sure that didn't happen. All they really knew was that Chopper never let Sanji out, or he just didn't want to come out. Usopp was the only one to see him since Sanji's argument with Zoro. Even then, it was only once, and Sanji was merely making his way to the bathroom. He looked a bit sullen, and seemed tense. Everyone saw Chopper from time to time, but not very often at all. He seemed stressed out and skittish, but no one was sure if it was a change in character or not. Either way, their business was to run the ship like normal. They were about to leave the island, having stocked up, and run into an unexpected lack of trouble. They wondered if Chopper had even told Sanji they were leaving.
Sanji lay back in the bed staring at his cigarette. He tapped the end of the filter with his thumb, making ash float its way down to the floor. He watched the bent roll of paper slowly burn. The glow of it traveled closer to his fingers, and left grey in its wake. He saw the seam of it, where the paper had been pressed to itself, and the little bits of dirt and oil left by his fingers. There wasn't much, hardly noticeable, but he was staring at it, so it wasn't surprising that he did notice it. Though, his mind was all but on the cigarette. He just needed to distract himself, think of something other than Nami and the migraine at the back of his head.
He heard the door being opened, and he turned his head to see who it was. He already knew who it was, and knew what he was bringing, but without much else to focus his attention on, he might as well turn towards the door. It was Chopper, and he was carrying sandwiches. They were peanut butter and jelly. He could tell by looking at them, and once he bit into the sandwich handed to him by Chopper, he could tell that it was made by Usopp, too. He could taste that the sharpshooter had made it, as odd as it may sound, and he didn't like his meal.
The reason he didn't like it wasn't just because he could tell that Usopp had made it. He simply didn't like it because it was bland. Even for peanut butter and jelly, it had no finesse. It was sad, and it killed Sanji that he wasn't allowed into his own kitchen. It had been three days, and he was wondering when Chopper would finally realize that Sanji was fine, and let him see his beloved Nami again.
Chopper was surprised at how composed Sanji was. It had been three days without seeing any girl, and he barely seemed to care. Well, that was how he acted, but it was obvious that he was smoking more. As obvious as it could be, at least, with how much he smoked to begin with. Twice he had woken up in the middle of the night and reached for his pack. With how long it was taking to get into the worst of it, Chopper was worried about how long they would stay in it. Even though Sanji was being obedient, it wasn't hard to tell that he still didn't believe he had any sort of addiction. Well, he would realize it soon, even though Chopper wished he wouldn't and they could just forget that Sanji had ever fainted.
"You know," said Sanji, once he had swallowed, "I'm really feeling better now. I think I can get back to my kitchen."
Chopper looked worried and started rambling to Sanji, "But if you go to the kitchen, you might see Nami, and if you see Nami, all your progress will be lost! Aahhh! That would be terrible! And then we'd have to start all over again! And Luffy would be so mad! Luffy's already upset that it's taking so long! Ahhh! It would be terrible!"
While Chopper rambled Sanji took a drag of his cigarette and snorted smoke out his nose once Chopper was done. Fine. So he'll wait a few more days. He gritted his teeth. If only Nami hadn't told him to listen to Chopper. This near solitary confinement was starting to wear thin, and there was little to nil for things to do to pass the time.
Then there was a knock on the door, and Chopper jumped.
"W-who is it?" the shortest member of the crew asked.
"It's me," responded a familiar voice. Chopper sighed in relief and Sanji sighed in regret. One had hoped it would be Nami, while the other feared it, but no, it was the long nose.
Chopper opened the door for him, and he walked in with a pile of boxes in his arms. Slim boxes. They were board games.
"Nami said to give these to you two," Usopp said, a bit uncomfortably. The sweat was standing out on his neck, and the urge to leave and fear in his eyes were apparent. This was honestly the last place he wanted to be, but he still owed Nami for touching her hand. And, underneath it all, he thought they could do with some games. Even though Sanji wasn't Usopp's favorite crewmate, he was still his friend, and he didn't want him bored to tears.
"She also says that she'll collect her debt for buying them later," he added.
"Nami-san sent these? She's worried about me?" Sanji perked up noticeably. His nostrils flared, and a ridiculous grinned smeared itself across his face.
Both Chopper and Usopp got very nervous at the thought of Sanji acting lovey-dovey, and started panicking.
"Ah! Ah! Sanji! Don't think about that! Here! Lets play something!" Usopp yelled.
"Usopp! What'll we play? What'll we do Usopp!" Chopper screamed.
Sanji's attention was brought to their frantic yelling and shuffling through board games, and Sanji sighed. His headache banged at the back of his head. Since he was stuck here anyways, he might as well make the best of it. He reached for a deck of cards and spoke up.
"Why don't we play a card game?"
The other two men calmed down and agreed. They sat on the ground and played a riveting game of Egyptian Rat Screw. For an instant, while he was slapping his hand down to claim his cards, Sanji forgot about Nami. Then he remembered her again before he felt chill.
Another day came and went, and Sanji was doing worse. They were on the sea again, and once Sanji found out, he cursed them for not giving him the chance to stock up on new food. Zoro had told him that the food issue was taken care of, but the fact that the message was delivered by him made it all the worse.
Sanji sat on the ground playing Sorry with Luffy and Chopper, and he had actually started to like yelling at Luffy about what the rules were. It gave him something to do. Some release. Any release was nice. It was starting to get to him, the lack of female companionship. He was tired of seeing these male forms come in. Each of the crewmembers had only come in once, excluding Nami and Chopper, but he really felt the lack of Nami's presence.
Sanji leaned forward, a small plastic figure representing himself in his hand, and knocked Luffy's figure aside after counting out spaces on the board.
"Sorry," he said, when he was, in fact, not at all sorry.
Luffy snorted and wore a glower that was very fitting for him.
"Hey!" he yelled, "Don't knock me off just like that!'
"That's how the game works!" Sanji yelled back, "I land on your square and I knock you off!"
"Fine then!" Luffy was determined not to loose, and he quickly knocked Sanji's piece aside with his own.
"You idiot! You have to roll the dice and happen to land on my square!"
While they quibbled, Chopper felt like he should keep the peace, but he didn't know how, so he merely tried to get their attention by tugging on their clothes. Once he got their attention, he wouldn't know what to do anymore than when he didn't have it, but he was as Chopper is and didn't really know what to do with himself for all the doing he was doing anyway.
The argument had degraded into Luffy kicking the game aside, and Sanji taking a drag on his ever-present cigarette. Then, he put on his jacket.
"Are we going through a cold front or something? It's freezing," Sanji asked the doctor.
"I don't think so," Chopper responded.
Sanji shrugged and tried to calm his captain down and salvage the board game before Luffy lost all the pieces. After a few minutes of this futile practice, Sanji gave up and told Chopper he was going to bed.
"I have the worst fucking migraine anyway," he said before finding a spare blanket and making his way to sleep with it.
The next day Sanji woke up sweating and cold, the pain in his head worse than the last night. Before Chopper was up, he rummaged through his medicine, trying to find the painkillers. Aha! He found them, the little blue pills. As he pried the container open, he couldn't help but wonder how Chopper did it with his hooves. He took two of the pills and silently left the room, Chopper asleep in the corner of it in a little hammock.
He slipped into the kitchen and grabbed a glass, quickly filling it with water. Two pills rested on his tongue before being washed down to the back of his throat. They tasted terrible for the moment they sat there, but they were worth it. Then, through his headache, he looked around his kitchen. He was disgusted. How could he not be? They had taken his little haven and made a mess of it. Everything was out of order. He gripped the counter hard as he took it all in. He gripped the counter harder as his rage boiled up. He dented the counter. How could they do that to his kitchen?
That was it. He had to get out of the stupid infirmary. It was stupid how they were treating him, and he'd been patient enough. Somehow he stopped caring that Nami had told him to listen to Chopper. He had to have his kitchen back. Enough was enough.
And then he saw Nami walk by.
That was it. He had to get out of the stupid infirmary. It was stupid how they were treating him, and he'd been patient enough. Somehow he stopped caring that Nami had told him to listen to Chopper. He had to see Nami. Enough was enough.
His nostrils flared, and a heart found its place on his face, and before he knew it, he was calling Nami's name out.
"Nami-swaaaaaan!"
Nami had just gotten out of the shower, and was concerned about the next island. That is, until she heard Sanji.
Well, crap.
"Sanji!" she responded, "Aren't you supposed to be with Chopper right now?"
"Nami-swaaan!" Sanji pranced about, hearts drifting around him, "I just couldn't stay away from your beautiful presence!"
He floated around her, holding his hands together and almost nuzzling against her. She didn't even pretend that she wasn't pissed.
"Sanji!" she commanded, "Go back to the infirmary right now!"
"Y-yes, Nami-san!"
It was really the last thing he wanted to do, but Nami had asked him to, so of course he would obey. Just seeing her for a second would hold him over, he thought. Being away from her for so long had pained him so much, and he had known that if he could just see her, it would make it all better.
"Of course, Nami-san! For you, anything!"
Then he floated his way back to bed.
It really bothered Nami to see Sanji like that now, but there was nothing she could do.
"Ah!" Chopper yelled shortly after he had woken up, "Two more of my pills are missing! Sanji! You didn't take them, did you?"
Of course he had taken them and had even been awake since seeing Nami, though he didn't enjoy it. He couldn't fall back asleep with the ringing in his ears. Even with the painkillers he had stolen, his headache persisted. Also, Chopper screaming as soon has he got up didn't help the matter.
"If I had taken your pills, my head wouldn't be hurting like this," Sanji hissed before sitting up and lighting a cigarette.
"Ahh..." Chopper looked over to him, concerned, "I guess not."
"No, of course not. So stop blaming me."
"S-sorry," Chopper responded, looking a bit blush and embarrassed.
"Hey, Chopper? I wanted to ask you something," Sanji said. He needed to see Nami again. Seeing her for that moment reminded him how much he missed her. How much he needed to feel how he felt when he was around her. And the bright harsh world without her didn't help convince him otherwise. "Don't you think I can go out again?"
"Ah!" this idea clearly worried Chopper, "B-but you're not better yet!"
Sanji cursed under his breath.
"Just for a little bit? Just so I can make a good meal for everyone?"
Chopper looked pained, and he didn't want to say what he knew he would have to.
"I'm sorry Sanji, but I don't think it's a good idea."
Damnit. If he pushed it he might be able to get Chopper to ease up a bit, maybe let him out, but it would just be easier to sneak out and see Nami at night. Sanji was having a hell of a time falling asleep anyways. He might as well spend that time being productive.
"No, it's ok. I understand," he said before grabbing the deck of cards again, "how about some Go Fish?"
The next time Nami saw Chopper that day, she pulled him aside to give him something. It was a lock, and a key.
"Here, Chopper," she said, "I don't think Sanji will listen to you. I saw him in the kitchen this morning."
"You what??" Chopper was suddenly horrified at what he heard, "He got out this morning? He was sneaking around? Oh no! What'll I do?"
"Put this on the door and use this key," Nami handed Chopper the key, "I saw Sanji taking some pills this morning, and since you weren't around, I didn't know if he was supposed to take them or not."
"Th-thank you!" Chopper said with a jump. He ran off. He really didn't want to use the lock, but he might not have a choice. He certainly couldn't keep Sanji away from Nami simply by telling him to stay, no matter how much it felt like he was caging him up like an animal. And it was important to know that Sanji had stolen the painkillers. It either meant that he was lying about the headache, or that things were going along faster than Chopper expected. Even so, getting headaches with the painkillers worried him.
Nami almost regretted giving Chopper the lock, but she knew she needed to. She had used it for her dresser, but with Sanji locked with Chopper, it didn't seem like she would need that protection anyways. Not that Sanji had ever raided her panty drawer; she just felt that she needed the extra protection. Was it right, though? To lock Sanji up like that? He must be having a miserable time as it is, and to make him even more prisoner. Maybe she was making a mistake.
No. He was an addict. She'd seen people with addictions before. They couldn't help themselves. When things got out of hand, they had to have whatever they were addicted to, and would do anything to get to it. Eventually Sanji would get desperate, and it would be good that Chopper had the lock.
Eventually Sanji got desperate. His plans to merely sneak out at night had been thwarted by something as simple as a lock. So, now when Chopper was asleep, instead of merely slipping out, he had been trying to pick the lock. This had actually gone on for a few weeks now, and the crew started to get more and more worried. They would never voice this concern to Chopper, but it was there. They hardly ever saw Sanji, and everyone made sure that he never saw Nami, even while going to the restroom. They were nearing the next island, and it seemed a shame for Sanji to be cooped up in his prison the whole time. But what could they do?
Chopper had certainly begun to feel the weight of it. Every day he was a little less energetic, and more serious. Chopper had seen much worse, but he had never been close to the people going through it. He was only ever really close to one man and one woman, and now, he had friends. One of his friends was in pain, and he was helping to cause it. It tore him up inside. Every time he saw Sanji lying there, shivering, he wanted to let him out, or cry. Sometimes he did cry. He was scared for Sanji, but he didn't let anyone else know. He saw how they looked towards the room in which Sanji was kept tight that they wanted more than anything to know how he was doing, but they couldn't. Luffy had entrusted in him this responsibility, and he would take care of it. Sanji needed to get through this, and having the others pry and prod wouldn't help. So, as he walked back into his little infirmary, before he opened the door to see his patient, he had decided that he would do whatever it took to help Sanji get better. That's what everyone wanted, anyways. For Sanji to get better.
When he stepped inside, he saw Sanji jump from the door to the bed, and wrap the blankets over himself. Had he been listening? Waiting for Chopper to come back? He didn't really know what Sanji was thinking anymore. He was obviously a wreck. He used to get dressed and groom himself every morning, maintaining his composure. He was cool, and was handling things well. That quickly fell away. He was in shambles now, his hair constantly messy, he constantly in pajamas. And he shivered non-stop. And sweated. He smoked more than Chopper thought possible. Chopper wished more than anything he could just make Sanji better.
Sanji was a wreck, and he knew it. He knew that if he just made the effort he could look a bit better, be a bit cleaner, but he had forgotten how to care. He hurt all the time. His bones ached, and he was constantly cold. And he had nightmares. Every moment he slept, his nightmares haunted him. Not that he got much in the way of sleep. He almost hated to be alone, but it gave him the chance to work on picking that damned lock. He knew that if he could just see Nami, things would be better. If he just saw Nami once, things would be fine. Everyone would see how fine he was, and he would clean himself up, and he could cook everyone dinner, and things would be normal. He could have his kitchen back, his life back. He hated everything now, and couldn't remember the last time he wasn't smoking. A few times he had complained about needing a cigarette until Chopper reminded him he was already smoking one. He hated the cold most. He couldn't block it out. He had gotten so many blankets, but he was still chilled. Chopper had given him a heating pad, and it helped, but not enough. He lips were chapped, and he felt them sting when he talked. So he didn't talk. There wasn't much for him to say in the first place. He'd grown tired of board games a while ago, and now just waited. Waited until the day they finally decided that he could leave, and things could be the same again, or until he could pick that lock.
"I brought lunch," Chopper said as he entered the room and locked the door behind him.
Lunch. Yes, Sanji was hungry. What was it today? Who had made it? Usopp? Zoro? Chopper? He knew Nami made food, too, but they didn't let him eat it when she did, because they realized he could tell. Chopper made his meals instead.
Chopper handed him a bowl and a sandwich.
Tomato soup and grilled cheese.
Sanji bit into the grilled cheese.
Oh. Today was Zoro's turn to make lunch.
"He burnt it," Sanji said, once he swallowed.
Chopper sat and drank his soup, not sure how to react. He was always uncomfortable around Sanji now, but not as uncomfortable as Sanji must be. Then Chopper pulled out a few pills and herbs, and handed them to Sanji. Sanji already knew he was going to get them. He swallowed them quickly and downed some soup. Luffy had helped with the soup.
"They let Luffy in my kitchen?" Sanji asked.
He was afraid that Chopper might think he was mad. He wasn't. He already knew his kitchen was gone. He'd have to fix it once he saw Nami, once he got out. He was just curious. Luffy never helped make anything before.
"O-oh, um, yeah. A-apparently he said he wanted to help you get better. H-he said he would make a soup that would make you really strong," Chopper said, totally unsure of how Sanji would react.
Sanji drank more, then spoke.
"Tell him, it's very good."
"Y-yes!" Chopper responded, pleasantly surprised at the small smile Sanji wore.
It wasn't very good. It was too thin, and the tomatoes were kind of chunky, and it was never warmed enough. But it was good because it made Sanji remember that they were doing this for him. Or at least they thought they were. He remembered his childlike captain, and how he would do anything for his friends. Well, regardless of what they were trying to do, he had to see Nami, and they didn't understand that. They didn't need to, though.
Chopper woke up to the noise of a lock being opened. He instantly sat up and saw Sanji at the door. Sanji looked towards him, his eye wide, caught in the act. Chopper instantly jumped up and held the door shut, his body larger than usual. He couldn't afford to fail. Sanji was depending on him. He could not be lenient.
"Where are you going, Sanji?" Chopper asked, his voice a little more stern than both of them expected.
"I, uh, I just wanted to get a glass of water," Sanji answered, talking out of his ass.
"Then I'll go with you," was Chopper's response.
Sanji's plan had backfired. Now Chopper knew he could pick the lock, and he couldn't even sneak to Nami's room. He would still try though, even with Chopper there.
Together they went into the kitchen, and Sanji didn't even bother to look at how much it had changed since he was locked away. He knew it didn't really resemble his kitchen anymore. He didn't need to see it.
As Sanji drank his glass of water, Chopper stood there both awkwardly and impatiently. His demeanor didn't match his current build, but that was the last thing on Sanji's mind.
"Are you done?" Chopper asked once the glass was empty.
"Yeah," Sanji responded, and started walking back. Of course, Sanji didn't go directly back, he went the long way around which just happened to pass Nami's room.
Chopper wasn't so oblivious to not realize that they were going to long way around, and he suddenly started sweating. He'd have to cut this situation off, but he didn't know how. He didn't want to.
"S-sanji, maybe we shouldn't go this way," he stuttered.
"Don't be ridiculous," Sanji said, Chopper's nervousness seeming to rub off on him, "C'mon."
Chopper followed him, looking around like, well, a scared deer. They were almost to Nami's room, and Chopper couldn't let Sanji see her. He couldn't fail.
"Sanji, you can't do this!" he whispered at the top of his voice.
"It'll just be for a second, Chopper. That's all."
Chopper grabbed Sanji by the shoulder
"You can't," he begged him, and silently to himself, "Don't make me have to stop you."
Sanji turned around and looked towards the hulking man-beast in front of him.
"Just for one second," he said, "Please?"
"N-no, you can't."
"Please? That's all I need. A second. Please?"
"S-sanji, you can't."
"I just need to see her," Sanji fell to his knees and buried his head against Chopper's stomach before he started to sob, "Please, let me see her."
Chopper was completely at a loss for what to do. How was he supposed to deal with this? What should he say?
Then, without thinking, Chopper just held Sanji's head against him and started crying, too. He had barely felt the tears brim up before they started to pour down his face and get lost in his fur. He felt Sanji grasp the fuzz on his belly.
Sanji knew he was never going to see Nami, and he couldn't even think about it anymore. Nothing made any sense, and everything hurt. He was tired of the constant aching and the constant cold and the constant headaches. He couldn't do this. He couldn't act like it wasn't getting to him. He felt his hair get wet and matted against Chopper's wet and matted fur. He was broken, and was tired of trying to pretend he wasn't. He couldn't control his breathing and he sobs came out awkwardly and uncontrollably. His shoulders heaved up and down in his loose, wrinkled pajamas.
"I never wanted this," he wept, "I never wanted to be like this. I-I don't want to be this. I don't want to do this. It hurts, Chopper. Everything hurts, and I just want it to stop. Please, let me make it stop. I can't do this anymore. I can't take it. Just tell me what to do to make it stop. Please, make it stop."
Chopper just stood there crying, grasping Sanji's hair as Sanji grasped his fur. He could feel Sanji shivering as he cried, and he hated himself.
"Sanji," he cried, "I'm so sorry..."
"Please, help me."
"I will, Sanji, I will..."
In her bed, Nami could hear their wailing and shoved her pillow over her head before a shudder ran through her body. Then she tried to fall asleep.
The next day Nami sat in the crow's nest, keeping her eye out for the land they were expecting to see sometime soon. She was slumped over, and the upcoming island didn't rank very high on her list of thoughts. Then she turned her head towards the ladder. She had heard someone coming up.
It was Usopp.
"It's your turn to make lunch," he told her.
She turned to him and sighed.
"I know," she said.
"Nami-san? Are you alright?" He looked a bit worried and sat next to her, "You're not usually so down."
"Sanji is hurting. Really hurting," she looked forward at nothing.
"Why would you say that? I'm sure he's fine. He's really tough. Remember when we fought Arlong? And we've all been through worse since."
"I heard him, Usopp. Outside of my room last night. He was crying, and I keep thinking that..." she broke off, biting her bottom lip. She could feel a lump in her throat that threatened to bring tears to her eyes. She tried to swallow it, and it felt weird and wrong. She could let herself cry. She had already cried enough when they fought Arlong. She wouldn't cry again. She breathed steadily before she could speak, and was afraid to blink. If she blinked, the tears trapped in her eyes might escape.
"...That maybe it's my fault," she finished.
Usopp wanted to help, but he found it hard when he felt himself agreeing with her just a bit. The only person who really condoned of her use of others was Sanji, and that turned out to be a much bigger problem than any of them expected. What should he say? It was ok for her to use Sanji, because she didn't realize what she was doing to him? She shouldn't have used him in the first place. But she didn't know. She thought it was harmless, and it would've been.
"Nami, you didn't know."
"I guess so," she agreed.
That's no excuse. Just because she didn't know didn't make the situation any better. She should've known. She should've been less thoughtless. Whatever she did, though, she couldn't afford to sit around moping about it, and she certainly couldn't afford to almost cry because of it. She was strong, and didn't dwell on things. No, it's better not to dwell. Best to move on and make things better.
"Well, I have to make lunch, don't I?" she gave a shallow smile before leaving the crow's nest.