I am in college and at this very minute I should be writing some essays for college. Therefore I am clearly not JK Rowling and I do not own Harry Potter. Have any of you ever thought about the huge amount of pressure she must have because of these books. I wouldn't want to be JK Rowling too much pressure.
Chapter 8: Holidays and Break Downs
By Halloween the school had heard about Ginny and Draco spending time together. They decided to tell people that Ginny needed help in Defense Against the Dark Arts and that Draco was being forced to tutor her. They hadn't yet started on making people believe he was nice. First they needed to get use to the idea of a Gryffindor and a Slytherin being around each other.
Ron had almost gone ballistic when he heard about Draco "tutoring" Ginny. It was all Ginny could do to not laugh when she told him. After all if that pissed him off think about how he would feel if he knew about what had happened in the alcove that night.
Ginny continued to tutor Draco in charms and Transfiguration, even though really he didn't need it. Draco explained that he wanted to beat Hermione in the NEWTs. So she continued to tutor him, and as he pointed out, they had to spend time together anyway or no one would believe them. Every once in a while they would have a fake tutoring session in the Great Hall or in one of the class rooms. Mainly though Ginny would tutor him though and it was usually in the Astronomy tower or in her alcove.
It was the night before Halloween and Ginny was tutoring Draco in the alcove, it just wasn't any thing for classes.
"You look like you are in pain." Ginny said laughing at Draco's face.
"You told me to imagine that Hermione was in front of me, and to smile." Draco replied. "I am in pain."
"If you can't smile to Hermione, how are you going to smile at Harry?" she asked him as she put down the mirror she had been holding for him.
"They aren't even friends anymore." Draco replied. "So when will I have to see them."
"They are starting to make up." Ginny replied. "All three of them. You don't seriously think Harry and Ron would go through their most important school year with out having Hermione to help them study?"
"Damn it. Can't you shag one of them to make them not like each other agian?" Draco asked her, he was partly kidding.
"I already told you dozens of times, shagging people doesn't always get what you want." Ginny replied giving him a stern look. "Half the girls hate you because you shagged them, they also hate me. They think we are an item."
"How the hell would they get that idea?" Draco asked her.
"I don't know." Ginny replied. "Apparently since we spend time together and you are quite the Slytherin Sex God." Ginny said that last part with sarcasm. "You figure it out."
"I am a sex god." Draco smirked.
"You wish." Ginny replied. "You are just a regular boy with who doesn't know how to control his hormones."
"I can control my hormones." Draco replied. "I haven't shagged." Draco smirked at her. "At least not since you anyway."
"One night of bad judgment." Ginny blushed. "And I have to keep hearing about it."
"That was the best decision you have ever made." Draco replied. "Anyways tomorrow we should have a row about how I think you are the stupidest girl ever."
"And I can call you the most conceited thing I have ever seen." Ginny said smirking. "People will certainly believe that."
"So tomorrow at lunch, I'll tutor you." Draco said.
"Yeah sure." Ginny replied. "For the record I don't want the whole school thinking I am stupid."
"They won't." Draco replied. "They know you aren't, there fore when I call you stupid they will all believe that I am the biggest ass ever."
"Which means that when I turn you nice everyone will love me eve more." Ginny said smiling. "I'm sure they might start to like you a little.
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The next day was Halloween, it fell on a Friday that year so they didn't have classes. Ginny was sitting at the end of her table waiting for Draco to join her. That's what they had agreed on, whoever got there first would sit at the end of their house table and wait for the other person to join them. Ginny as usual had her nose in a book as she ate. She didn't even hear Draco arrive until he tossed a sheet of parchment on her book.
"Hey." Ginny said angrily. "I was reading that."
"I realize that Weasley." Draco replied not bothering to sit down. "I talked to the Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. He showed me the last report you handed in. You have got to be the stupidest git ever."
Ginny looked down at the parchment and noticed it was blank. "Yeah well you have got to be the most conceited prat I have ever laid eyes on." Ginny yelled at him as she closed the parchment in her book. She stood up, pretending to be mad. "If you were doing a better job maybe I would do better."
"There is nothing that can help you." Draco replied laughing bitterly. "You are just clueless." Draco turned and walked back out of the Great Hall. Ginny was aware of the students staring at her, she sat back down in her chair and put her head down, pretending to cry. She was rather good at fake crying considering she had so many brothers. She had to get them in trouble some how.
"It's okay Ginny." Neville said walking up. "We know you aren't really stupid."
"Thanks Neville." Ginny said looking up at him, her eyes filled with tears.
"Yeah don't listen to that stupid prat." Ron said coming up to her and patting her on the back.
A couple of other kids came up to Ginny to comfort her and she saw other kids nodding their head in agreement. After a couple of minutes Ginny excused herself and left the Great Hall. She ran to the alcove as she wiped the tears out of her eyes. That had gone perfectly. It was short and sweet and to the point, and it worked. It worked well.
She climbed into the alcove and smiled at Draco. "It worked. They think you are scum."
"That's good." Draco replied dryly.
"You left and I started crying... We couldn't have done any better." Ginny said still smiling.
"I'm glad." Draco replied.
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A couple of days later they made up, or as much as you can when you aren't really friends. Then they fought again, and made up. Dumbledore left the castle many times within those months. The students suspected it was because of the war, but no one really knew what was going on. Being in Hogwarts was like being in a separate universe. The teachers didn't talk about it because they didn't want to scare the students, and the students didn't ask because living in ignorance was more fun for them. Every couple of weeks though a student would get a letter telling them that their parents had been hurt, injured, or even killed. The student would stay in the hospital wing for a couple of days and if they wanted to leave to attend a memorial service. Other than that you wouldn't be able to tell there was a war going on.
Harry and Ron had made up, slowly. Slowly Hermione was talking to them both. By Christmas they were all good friends again, they just didn't trust each other as much. Ginny and Draco were slowly letting the students believe they were friends.
Ginny and Draco had planned for Draco to give her a little gift before he left to go home for Christmas. Ginny was going to give him something like a quill. It was a show they were going to put on the breakfast before the students left for Christmas.
They exchanged gifts in the middle of the Great Hall, they were careful not to draw attention to themselves. Instead they just waited while attention was drawn to them naturally. After they had both exchanged presents Ginny gave him a little hug and turned back to her table. Many of the students were whispering back and forth to each other. A gryffindor student had just hugged Malfoy. Ginny sat back down at her table to see Ron glaring at her.
"What will mum think when she hears about this?" he hissed angrily.
"Hears about what Ron?" Ginny asked him smiling sweetly. "I was just giving my tutor a thank you hug. You know for keeping me from failing."
"That is Malfoy." Ron hissed at her.
"Draco is my tutor Ron." Ginny replied sternly. "I got him a Christmas present and gave him a hug. It isn't a big deal."
"You hugged a Malfoy in front of everyone." Ron replied.
"Ron, grow up." Ginny said rolling her eyes. "I'm going to my room now."
Ginny got up and walked out of the Great Hall. She felt a hand grab her.
"That went well." Draco said quietly. He had pulled her behind one of the statues.
"Ron was pissed." Ginny replied. "That's always fun."
"Anyways I will see you when Christmas break is over." Draco said. "I just wanted to say bye."
"Are you getting soft?" Ginny asked him mockingly.
"Yeah right." Draco laughed sarcastically.
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Ginny was awoken Christmas morning by Hermione shaking her.
"What do you want?" Ginny asked her grumpily.
"Your brother wants to see you." Hermione replied.
"That's nice." Ginny replied rolling over. "I'm going back to sleep."
"What should I tell him?" Hermione asked.
"That I'm sleeping." Ginny replied. "It's Christmas for Merlin's sake. Let me sleep in." Ginny threw the overs over her head and waited for Hermione to leave. She couldn't get back to sleep however so she got up and looked at the presents piled at the end of her bed. She started opening them, first was the one from her parents. She had gotten the usual Weasley sweater, she threw that to the side. She continued to work down through the pile. She had gotten presents from Neville, Collin, Dennis, some of the girls in her house. Ron, Harry, even Hermione had given her a gift. Finally she made it to the bottom and noticed a present wrapped in green.
"Must be from Draco." she thought as she picked it up. She was a little disgusted in him, he better not be going soft.
She opened it. "Stupid prat." Inside the box was a red snake doll. Wrapped around the snake was a chain with a silver charm on it. The charm was in the shape of a dragon. Ginny recognized the necklace for what it really was. It was a contraceptive charm. Girls wear them so that they don't get pregnant. This one however looked a lot nicer than most did. It was definitely of higher quality. She looked at it, it would probably work a lot better than most of the other girls. Ginny hung it around her neck and looked in the mirror, it was very pretty. Ginny picked up the gifts she had gotten and stored them in her trunk.
She made her way down to the common room.
"What did you want Ron?" Ginny asked him crossly.
"We got a note from mum." he answered he didn't look too happy.
"So?" Ginny asked him her patience waning.
"One of his Dragon's attacked him." Ron replied.
"Is he still alive?" Ginny asked him.
"Well yes." Ron replied confused at Ginny's lack of caring.
"Okay then." Ginny replied. "You didn't have to wake me up for that." Ginny turned and started back up the stairs.
"What's that around you neck?" Hermione asked her, catching a flash of silver.
"It's nothing."Ginny replied.
"It looked like a necklace." Hermione continued.
"So what if it is?" Ginny asked turning back around and sighing. "Girls do wear necklaces."
"I know, but it looks like the necklaces girls wear so they don't get pregnant." Hermione replied a smirk playing across her lips.
"You would know, wouldn't you Hermione?" Ginny said smirking back. "After all you have gotten more action than anyone else in this room."
Hermione's mouth dropped. "I'm going back to bed." Ginny said as she started up the stairs.
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Draco didn't know why he had gotten her a present, he had been in Hogsmeade on weekend and he say the snake. It seemed perfect. He added the necklace for two reasons, one it looked really nice, and the other was kind of obvious. At least to him. Draco didn't expect anything from Ginny, and he would have to worry about her sanity if she had gotten him anything. That didn't keep him from being disappointed when he didn't get anything from her. Draco as usual got tons of presents from his parents. They believed in buying love and that was fine with Draco, his family was never the type to hug anyway. Draco was just ready for Christmas break to be over with. He was quite lonely not having Ginny around, although he would never admit that to himself. Truth is he had gotten quite use to having her around to talk to, and he really liked having her around.
Draco didn't like his house it was too big and it was always cold. He climbed back into bed and went back to sleep. There wasn't that much to do at his house except sleep.
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Ginny was eating Christmas dinner with the reformed Dream Team. As much as she didn't really want to eat with them she didn't have a choice.
"Ginny who gave you that necklace?" Ron asked her again. He just wouldn't let up and she was getting fed up.
"It isn't any of your business." Ginny replied glaring at him.
"It is so." Ron argued. "You're my little sister."
"That doesn't make it your business." Ginny snapped. "Stop hassling me."
Ron opened his mouth to say something but Ginny interrupted him. "No Ronald whatever you feel the need to say don't." Ginny said standing up. "I don't concern my self with your business. I don't worry about who you are shagging, or if you are shagging anyone. Therefore you don't concern your self with whether I am shagging someone or who gave me this necklace. It isn't your business. Leave me alone!" Ginny stormed out of the Great Hall. She was pissed he had ruined her Christmas for her and all because of some damn necklace. "Damn him." Ginny hissed as she made her way up to the astronomy tower. "Damn him, damn him and damn Hermione for pointing it out."
Ginny stormed up to her room and grabbed her diary then she ran up the stairs to the astronomy tower.
Dear Diary,
My brother is the biggest prat I have ever met. I can't stand it. He is driving me insane. He thinks just because he is older than me and a boy he gets to boss me around and look out for me. I am not fucking helpless. What the hell is his problem? Since when have I ever needed his help It is just a stupid necklace. Sure it is really nice and all but still it is a necklace. So what if it has alternate uses what the hell business is it of his. Merlin if he spent nearly as much time on his homework as he does making my life a living hell he would probably be smarter than all of us. Damn, seriously. Back off!!!!!! Who gave him the fucking right to try and run my life. Last time I checked I was doing that for myself. He just needs to stay out of my business. That really makes me want to go out and shag some boy just to piss him off. The fact that he is pissing me off this much pisses me off more. What the hell? What the hell? I hate guys! When I rule the world all guys can go underground and just come out for breeding purposes, well that and kill any snakes. Arg.
Anyway, I have to move past that. So I got lots of gifts for Christmas. Lovely. So yeah the necklace I mentioned earlier, it was from Draco. He had it wrapped around a red snake doll. Bloody prat. I bet he thought that was just hilarious. Well haha very funny to him too. Christmas break is halfway over, then thank Merlin he will be back. I find I miss getting to be myself around someone. I never wanted to depend on someone but it looks like I am. Damn it. At least it isn't Potter I depend on. That would really suck. Anyways I better go before Ron thinks I'm shagging the Ravenclaw that stayed over break. On second thought that would serve him right. Stupid Prat.
Ginny wasn't as angry as she had been earlier. Writing in her diary had helped her calm down. Ginny stood up and started out of the Astronomy tower.
Ginny spent the rest of Christmas Break avoiding her brother at all costs. The only time she said anything to him was when he told her that mum had written to tell them that Charlie was going to be okay. Then it was back to silence between them. Ron seemed just as mad at her as she was at him which she thought was stupid. She hadn't done anything.
Then the day that the students were coming back to Hogwarts arrived. Ginny was ecstatic, maybe Ron would focus on someone else now. She was hiding out in her alcove like she had for most of the break when she was avoiding Ron, when Draco arrived.
"Hey." Draco said as he crawled into the alcove.
"Your present has had Ron on my back all break." Ginny replied. "I almost transfigured him into a rodent he was being such a pest."
"What stopped you?" Draco asked her.
"Harry and Hermione would have noticed he was gone." Ginny replied. "Damn them."
"Did you like it?" Draco asked her.
"The red snake, very funny." Ginny replied.
"I thought it was." Draco replied smirking. "I almost put a hissing charm on it, but then I decided you might kill me for that."
"Smart boy." Ginny replied. "So why the necklace?"
"You never know when you might need it." Draco replied still smirking.
"Yeah, sure." Ginny said unconvinced. "It's really pretty."
"So you like it?"
"I said it was pretty." Ginny rolled her eyes.
"You said it was really pretty." Draco corrected her. "I'm glad you liked it."
"If that's what you think I meant." Ginny replied. She wasn't actually going to tell him she liked it.
"I spoke to my dad about the war." Draco said. "He seems to think it is going well."
"Really?" Ginny asked.
"Yeah, but it isn't that horrid yet." Draco replied. "Just Death Eaters attacking different houses every now and then. Not a big deal."
"Oh." Ginny said. "I was thinking."
"That's scary." Draco said interrupting her.
"Haha." Ginny pretended to laugh. "Do you want to hear what I thought about or not?"
"I want to hear it." Draco replied.
"Okay, so I was thinking." Ginny started. "We need to go to Hogsmeade together. Let the students see that we are really close chums. And I want to really piss Ron off."
"There is a Hogsmeade weekend in two weeks." Draco replied. "Wand to do it then?"
"Sure." Ginny agreed. "The sooner, the more it will piss Ron off."
"For someone with such big goals, you sure do get stuck on trivial matters." Draco commented.
"Hey when you have a sibling you can comment, until then I don't care." Ginny told him.
"You want to know what would really piss your brother off?" Draco asked her.
"Sure."
"If we were each others Valentines on Valentines day." Draco replied.
Ginny laughed. "I can see his face now."
"As long as you don't send me a love song like you did Potter." Draco replied smirked.
"That was years ago." Ginny snapped defensively. "It was a pretty good song for an 11 year old."
"Yeah sure." Draco replied.
"What ever." Ginny said as she picked up her book again.
"Hogsmeade, two weeks." Draco checked.
"Yeah."
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For the next two weeks Ron would glare at any guy Ginny spoke too. Draco started coming over during meal times and talking to her. On more than one occasion Ron would glare at him and make some nasty comment. Draco would just smile and continue talking to Ginny. The whole school was positive that Ginny and Draco were dating. Ron more so than anyone. He was constantly threatening to tell their mother till Ginny pointed out that he had nothing to say, she hadn't done anything. And he certainly didn't know anything.
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Ginny was sitting outside waiting for Draco. Students were passing her with curious looks on their faces. It was almost like they knew she was waiting for Draco and wanted to know why. Draco walked up to her and gently nudged her in the leg with his foot. Ginny looked up from her book.
"Hey." she said as she got up and dusted herself off.
"Don't you ever freeze in those little skirts?" Draco asked her.
"Not really." Ginny replied tucking her book into her bag. "I think they have warming spells on them."
"That's nifty." Draco replied as the started out the gate and towards Hogsmeade.
"So where are we going first?" Ginny asked him. She didn't really have anyplace she wanted to go so following him to where ever was fine with her.
"I though we could go to the book store." Draco replied.
"The book store?" Ginny asked. "Why?"
"You'll see." Draco told her pulling her in the direction of the book store.
Draco pulled her into the bookstore and to the back.
"I know this book." Ginny said picking one of the books off the shelves. "Percy loved it."
"Prefects Who Gained Power. That might be useful." Draco replied taking the book out of her hand.
"Useful for what?" Ginny asked as she read the titles of some of the other books.
"Gaining power." Draco replied as if that were the stupidest question he had ever heard.
"Those books don't really work." Ginny rolled her eyes.
"True." Draco replied. "But it won't hurt to know what they have to say on the matter." Draco gathered five or six books in his arms and started making his way towards the cashier.
After they left the book store they ran into Ron.
"What are you doing with my sister?" Ron asked Draco suspiciously.
"Just buying school supplies." Draco replied holding up the bag of books for Ron to see.
"Go away Ron." Ginny replied rudely. "Stop bothering me."
Ginny pulled Draco past Ron and continued down the street. "Stupid prat." she muttered under her breath.
"Who me or him?" Draco asked her.
"Him." Ginny replied angrily. "Always checking up on me, he thinks I'm 5."
"He's following us." Draco replied glancing behind him. "Harry has joined him."
"Great, we can have a whole procession behind us." Ginny responded sarcastically. "As if having Ron around isn't enough, let's add Harry."
"Well you did want to piss your brother off." Draco told her.
"Yeah, well he is just pissing me off." Ginny replied.
"You ready to put on a little show for him then?" Draco asked her, a mischievous grin playing across his face.
"What are you talking about?" Ginny asked him.
"Play along." Draco said quietly.
Draco grabbed her hand and turned her to face him, so that Ron could see both of them. He reached up and ran his hand along the chain of her necklace, pulling out the charm.
"So you like the gift?" Draco asked her loud enough for Ron to hear. His fingers were playing with the charm.
Ginny smiled at him, he could see laughter in her eyes. "I love it." Ginny replied smiling. She was trying not to laugh.
Draco glanced at Ron out of the corner of his eye, he looked pretty mad.
"I'm glad." Draco replied moving his hands to the back of her shoulders as he kissed her. Ginny moved her hands to the back of his neck and kissed him back. After a minuted Draco was wrenched away from her, not by Ron but by Harry. Harry punched Draco in the nose.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" he yelled at Draco. Draco didn't answer he was busy holing his bleeding nose. Ginny however had moved to stand in front of Harry.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she asked him, her eyes flashing.
"He's just using you." Harry snapped.
"You don't know anything." Ginny yelled at him as she kicked him, hard, in the crotch. Harry doubled over in pain. Ginny strode over to Ron. "Any comments?" she asked him.
Ron just glared at her, he had been on the receiving end of kicks before and he wasn't going to relive it now.
Ginny narrowed her eyes at him. "Good then go away."
Ron walked over to Harry offering him some help. Ginny just watched the two of them as they walked, or in Harry's case staggered away. Ginny turned back to Draco, a huge smile on her face.
"That was fun." she smiled as she noticed the damage on Draco's face. "Not so much for you."
Draco just looked at her.
"Yeah okay hold on." Ginny replied as she whipped out her wand. She quickly fixed his nose and in a couple of minutes he wasn't in pain anymore. "You got to admit Harry's face when I kicked him, priceless."
Draco smiled at her agreeing. "So did we accomplish your goal of pissing your brother off?" he asked her.
"I guess so. I don't know what the hell Harry's problem is though." Ginny said curiously.
"He has a thing for you." Draco replied.
"No he doesn't, we only snogged once." Ginny argued.
"He has a thing for you." Draco repeated.
Ginny just looked at Draco and shook her head. "If you say so, though I think loss of blood is affecting your judgment."
"He has a thing for you."
"I know your opinion." Ginny said sighing. "I hope you are wrong."
"He has a-"
"If you finish that sentence I will punch you in the nose this time." Ginny said glaring at him.
Draco just grinned at her. "No worries."
"Good so were are we going now?" Ginny asked him. "Don't you want to buy me lunch."
"Are you kidding me?" Draco asked her. "With all the money I have given you for tutoring."
"Come on you have plenty." Ginny replied giving him a pleading look.
"I know that look is pure crap." Draco told her.
"Come on. I need to eat." Ginny replied. "I'll give your stupid books a try."
"Deal." Draco replied.
"I would have read them anyway." Ginny confessed as they crossed the street to the diner.
"I know." Draco told her as they went in and found a seat.
The rest of their day was uneventful. Draco and Ginny wandered around Hogsmeade, they looked like two students on a date. Which was fine with them, it kept people from bothering them. When they got back at Hogwarts they started towards the alcove so that they could start on the books. Ginny started to read the one that Percy had always loved, even though she wasn't a prefect.
"These books are ridiculous." Ginny cried throwing her book at the opposite wall.
"Please do try not to throw the books." Draco said picking it up and dusting it off. "You aim isn't that well and you might hit me."
"No I won't." Ginny replied. "That was trying to hit you."
"Come on, you read all the time." Draco said offering the book to her.
"Draco, these books are stupid. I know everything in them. I could write them." Ginny replied pushing the book away from her.
"Fine." Draco said closing his own book and setting it on the ground. "What do you suggest we do."
"I suggest we get out of school before we worry about politics." Ginny replied. "They aren't going to let a student become minister of magic."
"Are you forgetting your goal?" Draco asked her.
"No, I just don't care anymore." Ginny replied. "It is just so stupid."
Draco was shocked by what he was hearing, this wasn't the same girl he known since the beginning of the year. "What are you saying."
"I'm saying that there are more important things in life then taking over the world." Ginny replied sighing. "I've been thinking, a lot. My basis for argument came from the spirit of a 17 year old hidden in an old diary." Ginny laughed bitterly. "How stupid is that? I mean, yeah I don't like Hermione, or half of the mud bloods that attend this school. But is my main focus in life going to be getting rid of them. Hell, I don't think I care that much anymore. I mean there is a 17 and 16 year old sitting in an alcove plotting to take over the wizarding world, how insane is that? We should be making out, or something. Doing things teenagers do."
"What are you talking about?" Draco asked her totally blown away by her.
"I've spoken with Neville a lot lately." Ginny confessed. "He lost his parents because of this shit they are crazy. And if you think about it, it is truly stupid. We are going to die one day and none of it would have mattered. He thinks about dying, about how it will affect the lives of the people around him. He doesn't think anyone would even care. He doesn't think anyone will mourn for him."
Ginny sighed. "Today was the most fun I've had in all my years at Hogwarts and do you want to know why? Because I acted my age. I acted like a teenage girl who's worst fear is her brother not approving of her boy friend. It was great. I felt light, like I didn't have my usual load on my shoulders. When I die, I don't want to be hated. I don't want people to curse my name. I didn't think it mattered, but it does. I don't know why. But it does. Some where along the way this year, I changed. I don't know why, but I changed. I stopped caring. I just did whatever you suggested, it was fun. Like a new game. I mean seriously who would want to take me seriously. I'm insane. I swear I have to be insane. I don't even know what I want anymore." Ginny stopped talking and looked at Draco. "You think I'm insane don't you?"
Draco didn't answer her. "It's okay. I think I'm insane. I let a diary influence me. A stupid book. I hate Hermione I really do. I hate most of the mud bloods in this school. I wish I didn't have to see them, but do I want them dead. I don't think so. I don't deserve to determine whether they are good enough to know magic. I'm just 16. Hell my hormones are so out of whack half the time I don't even know if I want to laugh or cry. I think I am insane. Kicking Harry felt so good today. I would do it again if he provoked me, but I wouldn't do it just to do it. I realized that today. I have never physically hurt someone just to hurt them. Sure I might have punched or kicked someone before but it was always after they started something." Ginny didn't know why she was saying all this, she truly did believe she had gone crazy. Her hand was busy fiddling with her charm. "If I died tomorrow, who would care. No one. Worse is they wouldn't even know me. Or what if I could become just like Voldermort, but do I really want to. Do I want to kill people every day? Sure I can manipulate people and use their emotions to my own benefit, but take their life away. I don't think I can do that. And really at this moment all I want to do is be a normal teenager with no worries. Except I can't. I'm not. This whole year, this act has started to feel natural. Some where along the way pretending to be nice, I started to naturally smile. When I talk to Neville I feel like I care. When I piss off Ron, it feels like I'm doing some sisterly deed. When I laugh with you, it is real laughter. I don't know what is happening to me. For years and years I have wanted nothing but to get rid of all the mud bloods and now. Now I don't care. I just don't care. Learn magic, don't learn it, I don't care. It is too much trouble to care. It is too much work, too many worries. I don't want to have to work my entire life to keep everything under my control. Controlling this school is more work then I like. I wish I had never found that damn diary. I wish I had never opened it up and started to write in it."
Ginny was crying now and she didn't know why, she didn't know what was going on with her. "When I started at this school, I was so excited. I got to be with my brothers and Ron was best friends with the Great Harry Potter. Maybe he would be my friend too. But I opened that dairy. And I wrote in it. And I made a friend named Tom. Ron ignored me, Harry ignored me. Tom, well Tom talked to me. He showed me things. He payed attention to me. He didn't reject me." Ginny stopped and took a deep breath. "And then Harry came and rescued me from the Chamber. And I was convinced that he had noticed me, but right after that he continued to ignore me. Ron continued to ignore me. I was back to being nothing. I would go into book stores and open up the diaries and write my name, hoping that someone would answer. No one did. But I kept writing, I just knew that if I waited long enough, someone would write back. They didn't. Harsh reality of life, you can be invisible as the wind even with the Weasley red hair. I wrote in my diaries, remembering every thing Tom had told me. I didn't always agree with him. But after a while even things I didn't agree with started to make sense. Even things that I thought he was crazy when he said them started to look right. And then I talk to Neville, who has no parents, he lives with his grandmother. Who is probably slightly eccentric and that is all he has. His parents are insane, and he hates Voldermort. And I feel for him, how can I become like the person he hates? Since I was 11 I believed that I was right about all this. But how can I be right? That would make most of the wizarding population wrong. I'm not that smart. I'm not smarter than most of the wizarding population. Neville wished he had his parents, wishes that they weren't crazy. I have parents, and they love me, and I am so stupid that I don't even see it. I am so close minded that I miss that completely. All I think about is how annoying they are. I think I must be the most selfish person alive. I have been lying to myself I think. I think most of the thoughts I have thought this year, I thought for the sole reason of keeping up the charade that is my life. I'm so lost. I don't know who I am, or who I want to be."
Ginny stopped talking, she had run out of things to say. She didn't know what to do. She didn't know who she was anymore. For all she knew she could have been dreaming. But it felt too real. Her tears that were running down her cheeks felt wet. She didn't know why she was crying. She didn't even know if she were crying for herself.
She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "I hate myself and I don't know why."
She opened her eyes and looked at Draco. "Do you know how it feels to hate yourself?"
Draco didn't answer her. He didn't know what to say. She had totally lost it, or maybe she hadn't, he didn't know. When he didn't answer Ginny closed her eyes and leaned her head back again. She was giving up, on herself, on her life, on everything. She just wanted to go away, far away and start over and be someone that no one knew. Someone that could just exist, have no expectations, but that wasn't possible. There would always be someone who expected something. The worst thing was, Ginny expected the most from herself. And she couldn't escape from herself.
After a couple of moments in silence Draco reached over and gently touched Ginny on the knee. Ginny leaned her head forward a bit and opened her eyes. She hadn't noticed Draco moving closer to her.
"I know how it feels to hate yourself." Draco replied.
"Do you. Do you really?" Ginny asked him. "Do you know what it is like to look at yourself in the mirror and not look any deeper than your reflection. I haven't looked at my eyes in my reflection in months."
"I've seen your eyes." Draco replied. "It is said they are the window to your soul. Do you want to know what they tell me?"
"What?" Ginny asked him. She looked and sounded tired.
"They tell me that you stop believing in yourself. You stopped trusting yourself. They tell me that you don't want to be rejected again, so you pretend. They tell me that you didn't even know what the hell you were doing half the time, that everything was just so second nature. They tell me that you care more for people than you want to admit." Draco lifted her face up so that he could look her in the eyes. "They tell me that you don't need to pretend anymore. People accept you and they notice you for you. Don't take over the world. Leave that for someone else. Have fun. Just remember, you promised not to leave me behind." Draco let go of Ginny's face and leaned back against the wall. "You aren't the only one who has changed. You're just the only one who will admit to it."
I think somewhere along the way the real game you were playing was to fool yourself. And then you didn't need to and the walls started to crumble." Draco said sighing. "Where does that leave me?"
Ginny didn't speak, she sat there and watched Draco.
"Do you trust me?" she asked him.
"Yes." Draco replied looking in her eyes.
"Okay then."Ginny said. offering him her hand. "Come on."
"Where are we going?" Draco asked her taking her hand.
Ginny didn't answer him instead she pulled him out of the alcove and into the castle. She drug him upstairs and stopped in front of a picture of a fat lady in a pink dress. She muttered a couple of words and the portrait swung open. She climbed through pulling him behind her. She ignored the glances of her housemates and walked over to Harry and Ron.
"Ron." Ginny said. Ron looked up and anger flashed across his face. "Ron if you care for me at all you will calm down and listen." Ginny warned him. "Sit."
Ginny sat down and pulled Draco down with her. "We need to talk." she looked at Harry, "You too."
Harry opened his mouth to protest but quickly shut it after the glare Ginny shot at him.
"I am not happy. I am not happy and you two have caused some of this unhappiness." Ginny said looking at each of them in turn. "Today though I realized something. You two make me unhappy because I let you. Now I don't know what you were thinking when you decided to punch Draco but you had not right. You are not my brother, father or boyfriend." Ginny said looking at Harry. "And you." she said starting on Ron. "You don't get to control my life because I am you little sister. You should trust me if you don't I can't control that, but you will not make me miserable because of it." She stopped and looked at both of them. "I want you guys to meet my friend Draco, and before either of you two judge him because of his name I want you to remember this. He was there for me when I needed him. And he didn't try and control me. There is a lot about me neither one of you know that he knows, because he listened, because he cared. And even though at the moment I think I am a bit off my rocker I am telling you, all three of you to make up and play nice."
"Ginny-" Ron stated to say.
"Before you finish that sentence I am going to warn you. I'm not in the mood." Ginny replied looking at him.
"Ginny are you okay?" Ron asked her.
"I don't know, either I'm not or for the first time in five years I am." Ginny told him.
"Er maybe you should go to the hospital wing." Ron said gently.
"That's the next stop." Ginny replied. "After you three put your past behind you and decide to start fresh and new." Ginny sat back and watched the three of them expectantly. Finally Draco stuck his hand out. Ron shook it and then Harry. "Good." Ginny said getting up. "Come one." Ginny took Draco's hand and pulled him up and then out of the common room. She started up to the hospital wing. She had been serious when she said tha twas the next stop, she thought she was crazy.
When Ginny got up to the hospital wing she tried to explain her predicament to Madmae Pomphrey, but after a couple of minutes Madame Pomphrey just shook her head in confusion and gave her a sleeping draught. And Ginny slept, she slept through the night and the next day. She missed the celebration, she didn't know there was reason to celebrate. Through all this Draco stayed beside her, only leaving when he had to use the rest room. He even had to argue with Madame Pomphrey on why he should have leave. She relented of course and so he stayed. He read and he paced, but he was there. He could have gone to celebrate, he knew what they were celebrating but he didn't. He stayed with Ginny. Ron and Harry came by a couple of times, and they were civl to Draco. He didn't expect them to be kind so civil was a nice surprise. Neville came and visited and Draco was there for that. And when she woke up, Draco was there.
(A/N Don't flame I know the story just took a dramatic change, most will be explained in the next chapter.