Celeborn sat in the garden waiting for Elrond to arrive. Flipping through the flimsy pages of the vividly colored paperback book, his eyes bugged out in wonder at the adventures of the two heroes in the story. Each page was highly glossed and featured full illustrations, with little bubbles of text extending from the characters mouths.
Teleporno was dressed in a shiny silver cape, a crotchless body suit, and a black sparkly mask. On the back of the cape was a giant T that closely resembled an aroused penis.
Orgasm-O was dressed all in black, also a skintight body suit, but instead wore a silver mask. On the back of his black cape was a giant O with sparks shooting from it. His bodysuit was not crotchless, but instead had another O right over his enormous bulge, just like the O on the back of his cape.
Both were highly muscled, beyond even his March Warden's physique, and had lightening bolts on the fronts of their costumes pointing directly to their elfhoods.
This particular volume described how Teleporno and his trusty sidekick Orgasm-O had met.
Once upon a dark time, in a dark place lived an evil lord who forbid his subjects to engage in pleasurable activities, whether it be solo, duo, or group.
For centuries this tyrant ruled, forcing his prudish ideals upon the lusty and horny folks.
The people prayed for a savior to come and rescue them from the cruel restrictions their lord held over them, and for a thousand years those cries where unheard…
THEN out of the darkness came a being of light with fair hair, rippling muscles, and an unending libido…
AND he HEARD the cries and prayers of the people to help end their frustrations…
He entered the kingdom and searched for an assistant, knowing full well that the evil was too great to be battled alone…And also that sometimes sex is more fun with two or more…
BUT none were willing, fear coursed through the people, afraid of the tyrant's wrath…
THEN one night, a dark haired elf approached him and in a night of endless passion, proved his worthiness to assist him in the dangerous task set before them.
AND THUS … TELEPORNO and ORGASM-O were BORN!!!
LONELY ELVES…FRUSTRATED ELVES…HORNY ELVES NEVER FEAR….TELEPORNO IS HERE!!!!
Celeborn quickly closed the flimsy book before he could finish reading about their first adventure.
Elrond approached him, striding regally across the garden. The lord of Imladris was saying something about the excellent quality of accommodations in Lorien, but Celeborn's thoughts were still focused on the exciting and lewd pictures and stories of Haldir's book.
"You aren't even listening to me!" Elrond pouted. "YOUR daughter decides that I am boring and never listen, and she thinks she's fat…yada yada. I tell her that she isn't, and that I think she is still as beautiful as the day we met…blah blah blah. And then! THEN she kicks me out of my OWN kingdom, that I created no less….and you're still not listening to me!"
Celeborn refocused his attention, and shrugged, "Sorry, she takes after her mother."
Elrond snickered, "truly, I heard that she was throwing vases at you this morning."
"She is always like this, this time of the year. And for the next fourteen weeks, it will be a living Mordor. I swear, Melkor himself would cower in fear before her…"
Both grew silent as they pondered their situations.
"Um…so what were you reading?" Elrond piped up, trying to break the uneasy silence.
Celeborn blushed, "Oh, just something I found in Haldir's talan, some silly illustrated book."
"Mind if I take a look?"
"Um…I suppose." Celeborn handed him the book, and Elrond began flipping through the pages. Each time he turned a page, his eyes grew bigger and bigger. He looked up at the silver lord in shock.
"Heh heh," Celeborn laughed nervously.
"And you got this from Haldir?"
"Sort of, I just borrowed it, without permission." Elrond arched an eyebrow at the confession.
Suddenly a thought crossed Celeborn's mind, and he grabbed Elrond's arm and whispered into it. Elrond's features switched between shock, excitement and horror, as Celeborn related his newest scheme.