"You look unbelievably hot in that outfit, um..Tina," Celeborn whispered, his voice as husky as he could make it without injuring his vocal cords.

"Please. It won't be that easy to distract me, Teleporno…I am infinitely smarter than you."

"I mean it…you look incredible. My wife has nothing on you," he replied, trying desperately not to smile. "Look at you…firm breasts, long legs, tiny waist…it's been years since Galadriel could touch her toes."

"Hey! You need to watch your mouth, little Elf!" Tina the Teaser yelled, cracking her whip over Teleporno's head. "Galadriel is as beautiful as she ever was!"

"That's not saying much, now is it? Sure, centuries ago she was pretty, but now…well, gravity does take its toll…"

"How dare you! Do you know who you're speaking to, you impudent, impotent, little whelp! Galadriel was never merely pretty! She's the Lady of the Wood! The Lady of Light! Her eyes are the bluest in all of Arda! Her smile brings grown Elves to their knees! Her hair is a Radiant Garland! Gravity has NOT affected her in any way!"

"Please…I sleep with her every night. You…you are fabulous. Do with me what you will, Tina, for after tonight, I fear I will never again be able to find pleasure in that dried up, withered old nag I am married to!" Teleporno begged, putting as much feeling into it as he could muster. He watched Galadriel turn pink, then red, then purple, fearing for a moment that her head would burst open on her shoulders like an overripe melon.

"THAT'S IT! I can't believe you could be so stupid that you don't recognize your own wife!" Galadriel hissed, ripping off her mask and flinging it at Celeborn's face. Teleporno looked up at his wife's furious countenance and smiled broadly.

"So…just who was going to unmask whom tonight?" He chuckled.

"You…you…I hate you!"

"No, you don't. You want me. And I want you, Gladdy-poo. Just take a look at the Silver Mallorn now…" Galadriel was fuming, but couldn't help letting her eyes wander down to the pulsing erection beating against Teleporno's stomach. Her hand went to her chest, realizing that it was, indeed super hero sized.

"Did you mean all those awful things you just said," she asked, her voice gone very little-girl-pouty.

"Of course not, darling…I just couldn't let you have the upper hand again, now could I? The last time we role played you got to be the warden, and I had to play the hapless, helpless new recruit. It was my turn to be on top." Galadriel bent to untie his bonds.

As soon as he was free, he flipped her over on her back, his mouth smothering hers.

Gasping for air as he finally pulled back, she murmured, "Oh, Teleporno!"

From outside the talan, the squeaking of the bed, and the beating of the headboard against the wall could be heard.

Just before all fell quiet, Teleporno could be heard yelling, "Here I come to save the day!"

----------------------------

Celebdreth had been scouring the city looking for Legolas. Sighing he looked up at the very last talan on that particular bridge, hoping against hope that he would find the young Prince there.

He knocked timidly on the door. It opened, and the most beautiful Elleth he had ever seen peeked out.

"May I help you?" she asked in a soft melodic voice.

"Eep. Er…eek…um…gak," he answered, blushing furiously, looking down at his feet.

"Aw…you're cute! I'm Beinie, what's your name?"

"Celebdreth," he managed to whisper, not taking his eyes off his feet.

"Celebdreth - what a wonderful name," Beinie gushed, opening the door a little wider. "Celebdreth, I was wondering if perhaps you could help me…I was asleep in my bed, when an Elf fell through the ceiling of my talan. He's dressed most peculiarly, and I'm rather afraid to wake him, being here all by myself. Would you mind coming in for a few moments?"

Hearing the words "Elf," "fell" and "peculiar" in one sentence told Celebdreth that he found Legolas. He nodded shyly, still looking at his toes, and slipped in the door. Forcing his eyes up, he spotted Legolas lying on the bed, completely out of it.

Concerned for his friend, he moved at once to the bed, examining Legolas for any apparent injury. Finding no blood or broken bones, he deduced that Legolas would be alright once he came to.

Celebdreth, once he assured himself that Legolas still breathed, cocked an eyebrow at the way his friend was dressed. Especially at the "golden wood," which lay there limp and flaccid, like a deflated balloon.

Celebdreth turned to his hostess, and began to tell her that he knew this particular Elf, when he realized, for the first time since he entered, that Beinie was completely naked. His jaw dropped, his eyes bugged out, his skin turned fuschia, and, most embarrassingly of all, his "special treasure" was suddenly trying to force its way out of his leggings right through the material.

"Why, what is it? What's wrong?" Beinie asked, knowing full well what Celebdreth's problem was. She moved closer, wiggling her hips suggestively, coming to stand just inches from him.

"Legolas," was all Celebdreth could manage to say, jerking his thumb back toward his friend on the bed.

"Oh…is that is his name? Poor guy…" Beinie said, never taking her eyes of Celebdreth's face. "My, it's awfully hot in here! Aren't you warm?"

Celebdreth nodded his head, unable to speak. Beinie quickly divested him of his tunic. She ran her hand up and down the strong muscles of his chest and stomach, causing him to shiver.

"Still warm?" she asked, batting her eyes at him. He once again nodded, certain that he'd never be able to form words again. Ever.

Just as quickly, she stripped him of his leggings, and gasped as his Elfhood nearly took out one of her eyes.

"Oh, my! You are a very big boy…a VERY big boy!" Beinie giggled, blushing a little herself.

Just then, a groan came from the bed. They turned to see Legolas coming around. They knew he was starting to awaken because the 'golden wood' was already at half-staff.

Everyone knew that Legolas lived his life with a perpetual boner. He was perhaps, the horniest Elf that ever walked the planet.

"Argh…my head!" Legolas whimpered, putting his hand atop of his golden tresses. "Celebdreth? What are you doing here, and why are you naked? That's MY Elleth! I saw her first!"

"Sorry, Legolas…but I choose him," Beinie said, smiling up at her tall, shy Elf. Celebdreth smiled back, for the first time, not blushing.

"How could you pick him over me? I'm the one with the "golden wood!" Beinie smiled and pointed at Celebdreth's "special treasure." "You may have the 'golden wood' Legolas, but he's got the whole damn forest!"

Legolas looked from his member to Celebdreth's, and back again, shock registering on his face. He stood up and walked over to his friend, trying measure his length against Celebdreth's. Sighing, he realized that it was no contest. He stalked to the door, pouting about the unfairness of it all, and walked out of the talan. Being Legolas, he soon forgot why he was upset, and continued on his merry way, singing his theme song, and pretending to fly.

Meanwhile, Celebdreth taught Beinie the reason why he called his a "special treasure."

-----------------------------------

Haldir was fuming. "There is no way on the face of Arda, that I am going to put that on."

Rumil pleaded with his brother. "Please, Haldir…I can't do it…I'm not as, er…big as you are. You're the only one who can fit it.!

"Tough titties. I am not going to run around the city in that thing!"

"You owe me!" "For what?"

"For that time I caught you and Orophin…"

"YOU PROMISED NEVER TO MENTION THAT AGAIN!" Haldir roared.

"And I won't…if you agree to do this!"

"Fine! Just wait until you have border patrol with me…you're going to be cleaning the pissing pits for months!" Haldir, very reluctantly, struggled into the bizarre costume that Rumil had had the seamstress make. He finally stood, hands on his hips, glaring at Rumil, who nodded his head, pleased. Haldir wore a one-piece black jumpsuit, skin tight, that showed ever crack and crevice of his anatomy. It was crotchless, and his "hidden hero" protruded from the middle of the mouth of a hissing cobra, which had been painted around the hole. The letters "VD" stood out on his chest in silver.

"You look great!" Rumil gushed, "Now put on your mask, and let's go!" Haldir snatched the glittery silver mask from his brother's hand, and slipped it over his face. Together, the two left the talan, heading toward the Royal Talan.