Author's note: I took the liberty of changing the title, so otherwise, just read and review. Please.
Rugrats Midlife: Seven Years in Seven Days
Chapter Three: And We're Off!
Tommy"Hey, lardass, wake up," Kimi said in a very gentle way. I could tell she was amused at the swaying and staggering that I was doing, a product of only five hours of sleeping that early Sunday morning. "That's what you get for not sleeping very early, y'know."
"Are you my wife or my mother?" I murmured, consciousness equal to that of a drunk who had just downed an explosive combination of gin, tequila and palm wine. "Speaking of which, where-"
"Mama's sleeping with Clem and Mel in the girls' room, remember? Your father's with Des and Daniel in our room, while Rupert's with Carl and Tank in the boys' room." Oh yeah, we slept on the sofa. I stood up, scanned the living room, and found our attaché cases in the hallway. And beside them...
"Want some coffee, Tom?" Madie asked. "Chuckie and I woke up early to check if the van's there. And thanks for letting us use your room for a while. He's outside unloading our things for the retreat."
I took a sip of the black caffeine-laced substance, and was slightly more awake. I could have asked for more hadn't Chuckie barged in.
"Excuse me, but I think they're here. 'Jesus is Just All Right With Me' was playing when I saw the van come in." Phil just loves Christian music, no matter how kitschy it sounds. So much for an interdenominational retreat. There was a horn agitatedly honking, its driver apparently hyped about all this. Miracle the old folks didn't wake up immediately.
I wore my olive-drab pullover sweater on my red polo shirt and dirty-white jeans, got both of my bags, and trudged through the foyer to a grayish-green monstrosity of a van. As usual, my hyperactive brother was rushing me and Katrina in (she had dropped by later after dinner), while Kimi and Madie had Charles as their porter, the latter wheezing and gasping for air. I had to rush to him to help him carry the luggage our fair ladies had left him.
After all that, I decided to sit in the back, portside, near the window. As we were the last batch, since Phil had picked up the Cruzes, my cousin and her husband, and the Joneses, we weren't picking up anyone anymore, and it was straight through Wine Country to Berkel Creek.
The beautiful scenery along the road , if it weren't for the darkness enveloping the surroundings, reminded me of our trip to that old-country-themed town on a train, an offer made by Grandma Minka to the rest of us. My paternal grandfather told us about the theft that had gone on the train, and it turned out an associate of Grandma Lulu's was to blame. But that was then, and this is now, I thought to myself. We're going on a seven-day retreat in Oregon. My mind then wandered off to that meeting we had the other day...
The place was an old classroom overlooking the church's south end and the courtyard, the room now serving as a conference room. Philip, obviously tired from preparing lesson plans for after spring break, went in, but tried to put a semblance of thrill and confidence into the proceedings.
"Right then," he started in his rasped but perfect-for-singing voice, "let's begin with the basics of this retreat." The Jesuit paced on the floor, fingers on chin. "First off, the place is Berkel Creek, where as our dear Mr. Finster pointed out Monday, is grizzly-infested territory at this time of the year. Fortunately though, it has yet to be salmon run season, where our bearish friends feast on the Pacific salmon that happen to pass by to breed. Otherwise we won't be having a problem with bears, unless you plan on pissing one off, excuse me there."
"I knew he was going to swear at one point of his speech," Chuckie muttered to me, smirking. At this point Phil went on.
"Segundo, the place we're going to is twenty miles from civilization, in the form of the Chinook reservation of Berkel Creek. That makes House of Solitude a very lonely spot along the highway, but like any other retreat center the place has your creature comforts like central heating, electricity, cable TV, Internet access and hot and cold running water, though it unfortunely runs from 6-10 in both morning and evening-eight hours. So please, conserve water."
"No beauty bath at two o'clock then," Angelica groaned, while the other ladies were whispering in hushed tones.
"Thirdly, there's a nearby bakery and cafe, but otherwise you can't buy much. Besides, it's Holy Week, and though this is interdenominational, I insist that you eat fish and vegetables until Easter. Or alternatively you may not eat at all..." He gazed at Angelica.
"What? So I am on a diet!" she snarled. Phil continued.
"Fourthly, ahem, excuse me, As long as we're there, I, as spiritual advisor and moderator, will be followed. Let us agree that democracy doesn't work in a situation like this, okay?" Muttering went louder.
"Objection!" Kimi scowled. "I wanted to come there for some relaxation, not to be bossed around!"
"Agreed!" went Suze and Dil. Phil cleared his throat again and told the others to calm down.
"Now, now, I understand the skittish responses to the retreat, but let me remind you, you agreed to this with your spouses. You should have known that as retreat organizers, us Jesuits are strict on everyone following the orders, okay? There are rules to follow in this retreat, and its purpose ain't, let me remind you, ain't relaxation. However, I will be willing to get consultations, en tiende?" The mutterings died down.
"Good. Now fifth, we may go on hiking so please, bring a hat. H-A-T. Hat." That would have meant the pith helmet I bought as a souvenir in the Congo. Kimi was reading my mind, chuckling at the image of her husband clad in a dorky, high-crowned helmet and pack gear. The last time I wore that hat was at a costume party. "Also bring a cellphone with a camcorder, or both, a fishing rod if you want, mosquito repellent, compass, extra shirt, water bottles, and a plastic bag where we can dispose of our things, me being an environmentalist and all."
"Sixth, do not get out without my knowledge. From time to time, I will ask the retreat center staff to check if any of you leave." We were noting this down meticulously, Malcolm dribbling with his pen as soon as he had finished.
"Seventh, we need to have enough food for ourselves. As I said earlier, there's a bakery and a cafe nearby, but we need to learn how to cook by ourselves instead of doing it the easy way."
"Eighth, I'll be borrowing the film you made about us during grade school, Tom, as well as all your video mementos. Can I have them by tomorrow, please?" Who were we to say no?
"Ninth, no guns." It's my turn to get the looks now. I just murmured a curse word under my breath.
Phil took a deep breath, looked at us straight in the face, grinned silly and said, "And tenth (sorry fellas), no sex."
No sex? NO SEX?! "WHAT THE $#&¿ DOES THAT MEAN?!!!" we all exclaimed. The prospect of losing something we took for granted was now hitting us.
"Yep, that's right, no sex. Lent, as you know, is a season of sacrifice, and so it demands we abstain from some earthly pleasures. Besides, the dorms, oriented for singles, are segregated, and there is no way for you to make sweet love without being caught on tape by personnel or leaving through the forest." A resounding "Damn!" followed, palms hitting on any hard surface, mine on my lap. Seems like we had like minds at the time. "That means, let me be frank, no acts of self-gratification or mutual enjoyment, if you get my drift." We all wanted to wipe that goddamned smile off his weasly face.
"So that's why you want us to tell you if we wanted to come out," Lil figured. "Fine, so you're taking from us the only thing that separates us from you, huh?"
"For God's sakes, Lilian, it's only for a week!" Phil replied. "I'm not that sadistic, and if you want to leave and do your thing in the woods, fine, but don't come crying if you were attacked by some mountain lion,' kay?" Chuckie's face went pale.
"M-mm-mu-mm-mu-mountain lion?!" he stuttered in his Principal Skinner-like voice. "Now that's another real reason to leave this hare-brained plan of his!" While I was disappointed (a very mild understatement of what I felt at the time), I had calmed down enough to feel the obligation to calm the troops. I immediately rushed up to the front.
"Listen, guys!" The groaning stopped. "I know what you feel, not having to share your love to each other (couples, that is) for a week, but maybe that's what we need! Maybe that's a way to make us appreciate how we've lost sense in erm, 'getting the action, if you know what I mean. Worry not, it's just a week, as Padre here said, and how many of us can say we're at it at least every week, huh?" Murmurs of approval and a hushed silence followed. "Besides, to put it rather bluntly, we won't be there to jerk each other off, right?" (AN: I have yet to be more vulgar than that.) Still, silence.
Calvin was the first to say something after all that. "Fine, so limited time for enjoyment, and no sex. What will become of the relaxation we've been looking for?"
"I didn't say you'll be coming here to feel relaxed, Gottwald," Phil replied calmly. "You agreed to come here to know each other better than you used to. You do realize that the years had taken a toll on our once steaming friendship-it's now tepid, lukewarm. Now, I was hoping this could be a way not only to rebuild our friendships and love lifes, but take them to the next level possible. If you're going to object to some rule I put in just because it's inconvenient for you, then you had better back out." Never since the time I repaired my torpedoed relationship with Kimi had I seen Phil so articulate, and that's not counting his ability as a priest and biology teacher. Nobody felt the need to back out.
"Looks like I've made my point," Phil said, feeling a bit vindicated. His smile returned as he got a map and began discussing with us the path to Berkel Creek and to a promising recollection.
We're now on the last leg of that road. As I was recalling the meeting, we had passed by many a town or city, and had now gone past the California-Oregon state line. The luggage was behind us, Kimi was on the starboard side at the back with me, separated by her brother. Fred, Lil and Madie were on the same positions respectively (that is, Fred in front of me, Madie in the middle, etc.), Malcolm, Suze and Katrina in front of them, Malcolm in between, Calvin, Dil, and Angelica in front of both of them, and Phil on the driver's seat. My brother was helping him navigate the area with a GPS receiver.
I could tell we were going uphill, drowsy that I was, but it wasn't until about seven-thirty that I felt the van halted. False alarm-it was a gas station, and the rest went down either to the restrooms to relieve themselves, or, if it was any coincidence, the Java Lava nearby to buy something to eat or drink.
I didn't pay any heed to invitations to get down, and another rumblew of the ignition got us going again. An hour later, and after much sightseeing along the Interstate, another halt, this time in front of a log cabin-themed house.
"Hey lardass, get up," Kimi muttered, a bit of excitement in her voice. "We're here."
The retreat begins about an hour later. Before that, some memories will flood back. Find out the way this retreat will be going in Chapter Five: Palm Sunday, coming soon.
P.S. Pls. send suggestions personally to my e-mail address (see profile). Senders will be credited!