The Daily Prophet, Readers' Columns

A collection of short articles sent in for publishing to the Daily Prophet, by various members of the Wizarding World

Dear Readers,

I have decided – after the flood of letters I have received from people wishing to have work/articles etc, published in this newspaper – to create an entirely new section which is devoted to people in the wizarding world who wish to have their opinions, etc known. If you have anything you would like to see in print, please send it to the usual address!

Enjoy,

The Editor.

P.S In the last Issue there were a few comments on Miss Grangers organisation being called HELF, she would like to inform you that her previous organisation SPEW girly giggle went the way of most spew - down the toilet, so she decided to regroup under the title of his organisation, in the hope of drumming up more support for the plight of House Elves. Thankyou to everyone who added their name to the list, as yet we have no word from Mrs Weasley, but the Aurors are closing in so its only a matter of time.

HOW TO:

Use a Fellytone,

By Ron Weasley.

The procedure to use a Fellytone is a very complex one. It requires a lot of skill and patience, and once you have done it, you see exactly why we wizards stick with owls ...

First of all, you have to find the Fellytone. This can be quite difficult, as most wizarding households won't come equipped with one. If this is your case, you must go into the Muggle world - scary, I know - and look for a big red cage with a metal box in it. Please do not confuse this with what Muggles call a "Letter Box". If, by any chance you managed to get into one of these "Letter Boxes" it is highly unlikely you would get out again, until a Muggle man wearing dark blue shorts comes to let you out. I think this man exists solely to let people out of the "Letter Box", or at least to free people's hands when they get them stuck in the gap, and he is instantly recognisable by his shorts, as he will wear them even when it snows - some kind of uniform, perhaps?

Anyway, once you have found the Fellytone Box, you have to make sure you have some Muggle Money. The one time I tried to use the Fellytone with wizard money, the Sickle I stuck into the hole decided it didn't want to go. It glowed bright purple, flew out of my hand and hit me on the head. I still have the scar to prove it ...

If you already have the Muggle Money, you can skip this bit. If you don't you will have to take a trip to Gringotts - I don't think Muggle banks will change our money. When I tried, they called some men in blue suits and tall hats for wasting their time. It wasn't these so-called Please-Men that scared me though. There was a woman near the door holding what looked like a snake attached to a red and black barrel on wheels called Henry. The snake roared at me and when it got too near me, it tried to suck my t-shirt off! I asked Dad if HE could change the money then ...

Right, so now you have the money, and you know where the Fellytone is. Go back to the Fellytone Box, step inside and shut the door. (From previous experience I have learned that this is to stop other Muggles hearing what the mad Muggle on the other end of the line is saying!)

Pick up the long black thing propped against the metal box on the wall. (Remember the position it is in, as you will have to return it later.) This is the "handset" and is the bit that you can speak through. Put it to your ear, with the curly string at the bottom, near your mouth. Once you have a long Fellytone-Use History, you may want to experiment holding the "handset" in different ways - I've seen Muggles propping them under their chins, but I wouldn't try this until you have the basic knowledge of Fellytones. Those things hurt when they fall on your toes, trust me.

Now you have to insert the Muggle Money into the slot. DON'T put your fingers in the slot as well. It is very painful and I know there is not a man who comes round to free you from this one, shorts-clad or not. Instead, Muggles think they can scare you into pulling your finger out by banging on the glass, three at a time and yelling "Hurry up! Get out of there! I need to use the phone!"

Hopefully, then, you have inserted the money and NOT your fingers, and you can now "dial the number". Usually, unless you are calling someone who lives a very long way from where you are at the moment, the Fellytone Number will be six, maybe five numbers long. If they live further away, you will have to add five numbers to the beginning, and if they live in a different country, you will have to 'dial' 0044 to start, then the country code. Very confusing, I know, but as a seasoned Fellytone-User, I have grasped these things.

Having dialled the number, the Fellytone will proceed to make a bunch of ringing noises. This is supposed to happen, and you should not run out of the Fellytone Box screaming that it is going to blow up, as the next Muggle that goes into the box will use your hard-to-get Muggle money, and you REALLY don't want to go through with THAT again ...

When the wizard (or perhaps enraged Muggle) has "answered the phone", usually they will say "Hello?" but you can be met with such expressions as a recitation of the phone number you have dialled followed by "How can I help you?" Now you can talk NORMALLY to the person on the other end - don't make the very common mistake of shouting into the "handset"; they won't appreciate it.

Sometimes, however, the person you are calling may be out. In this case, the "Answermachine" kicks in. It sounds just like your friend, and it talks to you, but it isn't the person you know. I have come to the conclusion that families rich enough to have a Fellytone also employ a person to sit next to the Fellytone all the time. They change their voice to make it like your friend's, and you tell them the message to pass on later. This "Answermachine" will say something along the lines of:

"I'm sorry, but Mr Black isn't in right now, but if you leave your name and Fellytone number after the beep, I will try and get back to you later. Doooooo ..."

After the "Doooooo" (or sometimes "Deeeeee") the "Answermachine" will stop talking, and you should leave your name and ... maybe not your Fellytone number, as, if Mr Black decided to call back when you weren't there, an innocent Muggle would find himself drawn to the Box and talk to someone they have never heard of before.

When you have finished your "phone call" or left your message, you then put the "handset" back where it was when you entered the Fellytone Box. You can now open the door and walk out, past the queues of people who have been waiting to use the Fellytone while you have been figuring out how it works.

Please Read and Review! We really appreciate any opinions/comments!

P.S- In last weeks issue I (Padfoot) made a mistake regarding the name of Colin Creevey's little brother, I know his name is Dennis and don't have a clue why I put Derek!! But hey, we're all human!!

Thanks for all the lovely Reviews!!

P,P,M