Right now my hands are covering my eyes catching each tear that falls from them. My back is against the bathroom stall wall and I can hear the reluctance from the door as I keep kicking it. I can't believe this is happening. Just yesterday I was searching the internet for blue prints on how to build a crib. Now it feels like my world is crashing around me. There will be no midnight feedings, no diaper changes, no late night serenades, no first steps, no first tooth, and not hearing her say dada for the first time. The tears rush faster and harder from my eyes, and I don't care if I'm a navy man. I have every damn right to do this my daughter just died.
We were married for a year and a half when she told me that she was pregnant. I remember the day clearly. I was in a meeting with the Admiral when Tiner walked in and handed the admiral a note. I watched as the Admiral read the note and began to laugh. "Um Commander I think this note is for you," he said handing me the small sheet of paper. I read the note and when it finally hit me I leaped out of my chair and opened the office door. Standing there waiting for me was my wife with a beautiful smile on her face. I picked her up and swung her around while screaming Yes! Yes! Yes! That very night I took her and our little baby out for a celebratory dinner at a beautiful and romantic Italian restaurant. After our dinner I drove us to this small bookstore near our house and picked up every baby book I could find. My wife thought I was crazy, and in truth I was. I was crazy that I was going to become a father for the very first time.
When we went to her first appointment we found out that she was two and a half month's pregnant. We both had large and glowing smiles on our faces when the doctor told us. When we got home the first thing we did was call my parents and tell them they were going to be grandparents. They were so excited and now they'll never get to meet her.
The few visits before this one everything was fine. Our baby girl was healthy, growing at just the right amount, and the doctor said that our baby was what every obstetrician wanted. The perfect baby all the way our doctor said that she wished all her patients were like this. Then what the hell happened. Why is my daughter in a waste bucket somewhere?
My world came crumbling down today and every word, picture, and tear is burned into my memory. We were able to get off work early and go back home and change into civvies. When we got to the doctors office we were so happy. The doctor had called us the day before and told us that we were going to have a girl. I was deliriously happy and I began to plan out our little girl's room. I nicknamed it the princess palace. There was a castle theme to it and now it's not going to exist. We were sent to a sterile room and sat waiting for the doctor. She asked if we had been feeling anything different and my wife replied, "Yeah I haven't been feeling her move as much." I gave her a look that told her she should have said something, but she gave me one of her sweet smiles and I just shrugged it off. "Okay well let's see about that," the doctor said as she laid my wife back on the table and put that clear teal colored gel on her stomach. As the doctor moved the wand around my wife's stomach I could see her face fill with concern. The room was quiet to quiet for my liking. The doctor turned to us after a minute or two and I could see her eyes glisten with tears. My wife asked what was wrong and our doctor told us that our baby girl no longer had a heart beat. She said that they would have to remove the baby. I looked down at my wife and I saw the tears just pouring from her eyes. I gathered her up in my arms and held her close as I let my own tears fall. After our tears subsided a little I asked the doctor how? The doctor told me that it just happens and no one can give a helping answer. 'That's it! There's no reason. I want my daughter alive and I want to be able to hold her in my arms. No answer is not and answer' I thought to my self. Our doctor began to explain the procedure as I took a hold of my wife's hand and softly caressed it.
I wasn't allowed to be with my wife while they operating but I was able to look in through one of the small glass windows. I know that she knew I was watching her because throughout the surgery her eyes were focused on me. I saw her tears shed as the doctor performed the procedure below. So badly did I want to be in there with her, holding her hand, wiping away her tears, and telling her the story about our future.
Now my wife is laying in her hospital bed a sleep as I sit here on this cold tile floor crying my eyes out. I don't think I can face the pity parade of family both biological and from the office. I know they care about us a lot, but I think my wife and I just want to spend some time alone. The doctor said that my wife would be asleep for probably a couple of hours so I should try and get something to eat. How can she think that I can eat at a time like this, I don't even think I can look at Cheerios the same way. I can't stay here any longer, I have to get out. I jump in my Lexus and drive.
When I jumped in my car I had no idea where I would go I was just driving. By the time reality hit me again I saw that I was at work. I get out of my car and rush inside. I rush to the safety of my office. I walk through the bullpen looking at no one, but I know they are all looking at me. I enter my office and head directly for my desk. On it sits my favorite picture, my child inside her mother's womb contently sucking her thumb. I run my fingers over each of her features, wishing that I could be holding her right now. Suddenly a loud knocking brings me out of my dreams and I try to ignore it. But apparently the person knocking doesn't want to ignore me. I open the door and find the Admiral staring right back at me. I know he sees my red puffy eyes and I lower myself into the chair next to me. He asks me why I'm here and not at home with my wife. "Because sir OUR LITTLE GIRL DIED" I yell at him and pretty sure the whole office. He sits perched on my desk looking shocked and I can see a small tear run down his cheek. He gathers me up in his arms and tells me to let it all out. By the time I'm done I've completely soaked his jacket. As I pull back from him I look over to where the model of my bi-plane sits and I see a picture of me and my wife on a JAG company picnic lovingly wrapped in each other's arms. "I'm sorry sir, but I need to get back to Sarah she'll be awake soon," I say to him.
As I walk back into the hospital I pass the gift shop and see a special teddy bear sitting in the window. I rush into the store and put all the money I have in my wallet on the counter and say, "I want to buy that bear." The woman behind the counter looks at me like I'm crazy, but that could probably be because I just put a hundred dollars down for a fifteen dollar bear. She gets the bear from the window and hands it to me along with my change. I yell a thank you over my shoulder as I exit the shop and head back up to be with my wife. I find her in a room by herself still asleep. I pull a chair up next to her and run my fingers through her hair. My hand travels down her arm and up to her hand. I bring her hand up to my lips and gently kiss it. She stirs a little and I see her beautiful brown eyes stare back at me. "Hey," I say fighting back the tears. She gives me a gentle smile and pulls my hand over her heart. She whispers 'I love you' to me. "I love you too," I say to her. I pull her into a hug and kiss her lovingly on the side of her temple. As I pull back I place the teddy bear I bought in her arms. Her hand moves up toward the teddy bear and a smile breaks out across her face. Her fingers touch the silk pink dress with purple trim. They then move up to the pink princess hat with a strip of purple fabric shooting out form the top. "Thank you" she mouths as I see her struggle to keep back the tears. I lean down and kiss her as I hold tightly onto her body. "We still have each other, and don't worry God will give us our princess," I whisper into her ear as she let's the tears fall onto my shoulder.
It's been two years exactly since that fateful day. My wife and I are sitting on the very same bed and in the very same room we were in two years ago. But today it's different. Today I am holding that very same princess teddy bear as my wife holds our four hour old daughter. Our daughter looks up at me and I can see my self reflected in her beautiful deep blue eyes. Although she has my eyes her skin tone and the way she already has me wrapped around her tiny finger is all her mother. I was crying so hard when she was born. Our miracle was given to us. Every step of this pregnancy we were so worried, but something in me told me to get the finished princess palace cleaned up because my prayers were going to be answered. "Harm," my wife says drawing me out of my short memory. I give her a sweet smile and take a hold of my daughter's hand letting her suck on my finger. My wife smiles at me as she nestles deeper against me. "Welcome to the Rabb family Princess Sophia Nicole Rabb," I whisper to her as I plant a small kiss on her forehead.
Birth Announcement
Harmon Colin Rabb Jr.
&
Sarah Nicole Rabb
Would like to announce the birth of their daughter
Sophia Nicole Rabb
On November 13, 2004
At 00:40 am
Thank You,
And may love forever fill your hearts.